I had intended to start at the beginning, but I don't want to go there. I don't. Not today. If I do I will dwell on it and what good is it now?

My post in the forum helped me...or rather the responses to it did. Yes, I have been wondering if should "shove it under the rug" (again) and try to put together some semblance of family for my husband (again). It is a shame he has to end up his last years this way. I never wanted it to be like this. That is why I tried so hard. But I when I think about "going there again"...I literally get ill. So facing it? I must not want to. I must not have the energy and strength to put myself there again.

Who is at fault here? And does it matter? The fault, really lies with all of us. With the ex who primarily raised these kids. With my husband who primarily wanted nothing more than to be the "great guy on the weekends". With me...who has always been so afraid of not pleasing my husband, and so afraid of another failed marriage, and so obsessive about being "the family glue" ....that I allowed this to go on so long. And with two middle aged adult kids who are simply who they are, who they have always been, and who have never seen any reason to be anything for anyone other than themselves. But does it matter now? Probably not.

Bottom line, I feel horrible for my husband. And I fear that somewhere deep inside he blames me to some extent. He knows better. But not to would mean having to face who his kids grew up to be. And maybe his own part in it.

Do I care? Yeah. I do. He is my soul mate. My one true love. But this last escapade...this thing that came out of the blue two years ago...his response to it... will I ever feel quite the same about him again? I lost something there. An element of trust. And that may be the main reason I really can't ever again invite his children back into our lives. I think I am here to try to figure that out. To make a peace with this thing.