Support needed, everything I do is wrong
Let me start off by saying, I have come here to vent. Today, I am struggling. It may be because I am pregnant and have felt slightly emotional lately, but I don't know.
My background... I married my husband almost 5 months ago and we are expecting a child in April 2018. My husband and I have been together for 6+ years thus far. He was married prior for less than 6 months 10 years ago. He and his ex have a shared 10 year old daughter. I have been involved with my now SD for 6+ years, since she was 4 yo. My husband and BM have shared custody and we live within a mile from each other. My SD is with us for one full week (Sun-Sun) and then with her BM for one week.
My issue is that no matter what I do, I am always treated like I am worthless by the BM. She has said probably 10 words to me, since I came into the picture. She does everything she can to make me feel unwelcome at my SD events. To the point of even stepping directly in front of me to cut me out of a conversation.
Now that we are married, it has become more and more frequent that she calls me names and waits until the last minute to tell us my SD has sports or practices that she HAS to be at. Now, I am all for making sure my SD attends things she needs to and has every opportunity to participate in any and all events she shows an interest in, but I feel as though it is a power play to wait until the last minute and demand that we cancel our plans to make sure things are taken care of. I feel like BM is looking to cause chaos and invoke her power into me and my husbands relationship. I admit, it does cause conflict for us, as I feel he should stand up to her and support our family, but he is scared of her. He states that he doesn't want her to cause any more issues by taking us to court. I understand he is frustrated as well, but I worry this will continue to cause problems in our relationship. I usually just "sweep it under the rug" and be the bigger person and make the sacrifice and move on, but it is extremely exhausting.
Please tell me what to do. I am so frustrated.
I had a very similar
I had a very similar situation to yours, except that we only had the 2 SDs every other weekend, not 50/50. When I first moved in with DH, BM used to call him frequently moaning (and shouting) about stuff and he would try to appease her, because he feared she would withold his daughters' visits, which did happen from time to time.
I tried to get through to him the idea that he needed to stand up to her and not be such a wuss. However, it took 3 or 4 years before he finally realised I was right. In the end, if she called him, the minute she began to raise her voice he would put the phone down.
She did withold visits, but I don't believe it would have been any worse had he kept on kow-towing to her. These women are bullies - if you stand up to them they back down. She will be unlikely to take him to court. He needs to man up, and also stand up for you.
Thank you! I feel like she
Thank you! I feel like she is a bully. I cannot wrap my head around why she is so hurtful. But, the thing that bothers me most is that he does not stand up to her. Here is hoping it'll sink in one day as it did for you.
Ignore the Whore (BM)!
Ignore the Whore (BM)!
What is BM threatening to
What is BM threatening to take Dad to court for? She'd have to have a very good reason such as Dad is a falling down drunk, he physically abuses the child and it is thoroughly documented, Dad sells drugs out the backdoor.
You don't have to be speaking to BM at all. Not ever. You don't have to be anywhere near BM during a school event. If she comes and harasses you on Dad's time during a kid event , smack her with a restraining order. You both are grown adult women, you both can manage to be in the same sports field or gym without interacting.
Dad (or you) take kid to things on Dad's time, BM takes kid to things on BM's time. I will assume any activity that kid is in that occurs on both Dad and Mom's time (ongoing weekly event such as softball or gymnastics) was mutually agreed to signing child up for. If child is in an activity , Dad has as much right to all information about dates/times/schedules as BM...there should be nothing on Dad's time that he isn't aware of. What things is BM last minute informing Dad about that is on Dad's time and Dad thinking he must cancel already made plans for?
Take your daily life out of BM's hands. Dad is the one who must do communication about the child and if she can't behave Dad can get the communication ordered to be solely per email.
All exchanges can be done curbside so no one needs to interact during these times. The girl is 10, she can make it from a car to the house by herself.
You don't need to be stressed out by BM while you are pregnant. You don't ever have to deal with her. Her being the child's mother gives her no rights to be bothering you. She sounds very high conflict and probably jealous of your role in the child's life. Block her number from your phone if it isn't.
He fears she will take him to
He fears she will take him to court and change the custody agreement. I have tried to explain to him, she would have absolutely no ground to stand on as my husband is an amazing father and we are both very stable individuals both mentally and financially. But, he has the mentality that the court system will give the mother whatever she wants.
My husband is horrible with planning and keeping track of schedules and events, so I have created a calendar and we put all of the information we receive on the calendar so we can plan around any/all activities (softball, tumbling, play practice, girl scouts...the list goes on), but obtaining the information initially is difficult. If I reach out to any of the activity sponsors and try and get the schedules, BM says I am crossing the line and I need to be reminded that I am not my SD's mother.
In an ideal world, BM would communicate with me and let me know dates/times and I will make sure things get taken care of, but she would never do that. We requested to sit down with her and her husband to work out some of these issues, but she replied "your pow wow will not solve anything." So, I fear my situation is hopeless, at least for now.
But you are right, I have to stop giving her so much control over my emotions and stressing me out. It is just frustrating and after a while, it builds up and I feel like I am at a breaking point. Thank you for your insight.
Are you BM's daughter or your
Are you BM's daughter or your DH's wife: "My issue is that no matter what I do, I am always treated like I am worthless by the BM." Your role as a SM does not include pandering to BM. You should be acting like your DH's wife and your husband should be dealing with BM, pretty much most of the time.
Think of it this way--anything you do for BM and DH regarding their children is a gift. Doesn't matter what it is. Driving SK to appts., clearly a gift. Putting dinner on the table for SK, clearly a gift. If someone else had to do this, not only would it be appreciated, but they'd probably also be getting paid. Throw the term SM in the picture, though, and for some reason logic goes out the window. Sometimes gifts by SMs are appreciated, and sometimes they are not. Sometimes you are punished for your gift-giving. Now, if you kept giving someone a gift, and they kept spitting in your face, so to speak, would you continue to give that person a gift? Stop.
By the way: BM IS looking to cause chaos and invoke her power into your and your husband's relationship. And, you are both letting her do so. I'd start by telling my DH I am no longer available to take SD to functions. After all, if you were not married to him, mom and dad would have to make other arrangements anyway. Sorry, but I just hate this to no avail.!! Gone thru it myself. SM does everything she can to smooth things over for the family, and in turn she gets treated like a concubine. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. And, who is left holding the bag--SM. Idiots divorce and SPs and SKs suffer. BM needs to move on and DH needs to grow a pair.
Thank you! It's like you get
Thank you! It's like you get it
Being a SP is the hardest thing to do. I had a step father, never knew my real father, and had the utmost appreciation for him growing up, because I knew he didn't have to do the things he did. So, when I met my husband, I thought, if my dad could do it, I can do it- no problem. But my scenario is not the same.
I tell myself, if I found myself in this situation, if me and my husband- god forbid, ever divorced and there was a new parent in my child's life, I would want a relationship with that person, because I would want to know who was spending so much time with my child. I just don't understand. She was remarried before I even came into the picture, and she was the one who divorced my husband.
Thank you again, this has been very helpful for my peace of mind today.
I have not said more than a
I have not said more than a handful of words to the crazy BM in my life, and those consist of 'stay away from me/my car/get off my property.'
She stalked me for years, but was ignored/blocked from calling me, texting and social media.
I've been with my SO for 7 years+ now. He has three girls. I have disengaged from their activities for the most part, and if I do attend, do my thing. Should she approach, she gets the standard greeting to stay away from me.
In return, she realizes I'm not engaging with her or her nonsense (otherwise known as feeding her crazy) and pretty much leaves me alone.
Let your SO parent. He's a big boy. If he misses an event, oh freaking well. Everyone will be fine. It's his job to take care of his kids.
You'll save yourself a lot of unnecessary grief if you disengage and let him parent.
But I think that is easier
But I think that is easier said then done for me. I want to be active and supportive of my SD, should I not? Is that uncommon? I feel like the more support she has, the better, right?
You're a kind person, which
You're a kind person, which is why you want to be supportive of your SD. But if your husband isn't supportive of YOU in the way you need him to be, you will begin to resent SD. You've expressed your displeasure about a chaotic schedule to your DH, right? He's done hardly anything to fix that -- as evidenced by you going to get a calendar for HIS child's events and reminding him to get schedules from coaches. Since you're not getting support from the parents - not from BM nor your DH, you in turn should offer SD as much support as your husband offers you. Save your support for yourself and your child, that is, if you want to stay sane. Steplife can kill you, girl...even the softest hearts harden.
Absolutely support your SD.
Absolutely support your SD. That's admirable. But at what point can you allow yourself to stop sacrificing for someone else's kid?
You two make some good points
You two make some good points and I have been thinking about that over the last day. I need to make myself a priority, right now especially. He needs to step up and do more.
Been there! You need to
Been there! You need to learn to play the game and stay one step ahead of her. You are doing the right thing by going on the school calendar and asking the coaches for schedules. Most coaches prefer email so I would make sure that the coaches have your email address, home phone, cell phone what ever. Having kids in multiple activities I spent years juggling and running to events and practices.
Since she works at the school have your husband make the contact there and request that he be notified of changes or events that are not posted on the schools web site.
My ex and my DH were both coaches and trust me there are so many kids that have two households. It was no big deal to send an email to both. You are allowed to coordinate what goes on in your household. Don't be afraid to ask the coach for a schedule even if there is a friendship involved. After all doesn't that coach want everyone on the team to be there and to be on time? Don't let BM make you feel like less of a person. Be the best wife, SM and Mother that you can be. Don't let her get to you! You sound very organized so there shouldn't be any last minute anything as long as everyone involved is communicating with both households.
Also a 10 year old also knows enough posted. Sometimes kids forget so I would go through my kids school bags each night to make sure that they had everything and to make sure that there weren't any papers in there that had to be signed.
Also my DH is a disorganized mess. I have a big calendar hanging on the refrigerator plus I put events, dates and times on his phone calendar and in addition to that if I don't remind him he forgets!
Thank you. It def sounds
Thank you. It def sounds like you get it. I just want peace, I don't have to be her bff by any means, but a cordial working relationship isn't too much to ask, I don't think. But I am going to create a google calendar today and sync it to both of our phones so he is more aware, or at least I hope he will be, of events for the family. Fingers crossed it helps.
BM is simply controlling your
BM is simply controlling your husband....
either he stops it or you leave, cause he allows it .... have a good talk with him and tell him, this is not what you signed up for, he married you, he's not married to BM and he has to act it. He can tell BM, NO.... she will not fall dead, and her idle threats of going to court... well let her...
call her bluff, and if it does go to court - DH will not loose his daughter cause there's no abuse going on...
Then stop trying to be a mum to SD, she has one, a control freak one for that matter, simply step back, enjoy your pregnancy , you do not need all off this shit
You are right, it is totally
You are right, it is totally a control thing. I have tried to tell him that numerous times, but he is fearful of her and I cannot seem to break that. I have voiced my concerns numerous times as I feel like the events have increased since the we got engaged and now that we are expecting. In my opinion, my feelings should outrank his fear of her as I am his wife, but I understand he is scared she will try and change something with the SD. She just needs to grow up! I think this morning I am at the anger stage of my grief of recent events.
stop complaining in his ear..
stop complaining in his ear.. stop nagging... in my manly voice... (sarcasm in this line)
in my womanly voice - Hon stick your arms up in the air, shrug and say fuck this, I'm stepping back enjoying my pregnancy and not falling for this crap, then with draw and disengage. every time he talks about his X wife or daughter, and simply treat the daughter as a strangers child...
we can only do so much to help, but if help is not wanted... you can't help some one who can't help themselves...
I wish I could! But, I know
I wish I could! But, I know myself and I know that is not the case for me- I can't just throw my hands up and not be a part of the SD life. I couldn't imagine that for one because I love her, but also because she is in my home for a week at a time. Those weeks would be extremely difficult, I imagine. Maybe I am too much of a wuss myself...
nah you can do it Hon, life
nah you can do it Hon, life will be easier, and if SD is nice to you, be nice back and enjoy the times together... when she acts like a brat, ignore her.... never try that she should engage first or try and get her to do something with you,
keep it simple, hey SD I'm going to the shop you wanne come with... no answer.. leave without her...
If you are somewhere where BM will be, then do what SD does, if she ignores you ignore her back, it will make her life easier with the control freak.
It's a loyalty bind with BM... and there's nothing you can do about it, but don't blame the child... she acts around BM the way BM wants her to, and she will change towards you when you step back and pretend it does not bother you... fact is, eventually it will not bother you anymore
You can still be a part of
You can still be a part of her life, without being the parent.... you can still hang out with SD, watch tv, joke arund etc, without being the one to do her laundry, help with homework, schedules etc...
as for the b!tch bm - when she tells you it's not your place, you can always respond: :
"then find another chauffeur...if I can't even have the courtesy of knowing when I'm going to be required to spend my time and energy for YOUR child, you can deal with it on your own."
"then I'm done helping with math, you can deal with the extra expenses to get her help on your own"
"then I'm done with supporting her as if she was my child... you can send over XYZ because I'm not going to be buying it anymore"
"then you keep SD at your place, because this is time with dad and he ain't here"
Then you are making the
Then you are making the decision to support BM's control over your home. What will happen when the baby is a 2 days old and BM tries to lay some last minute thing on your DH? Is he going to drop everything and leave you alone in the hospital to serve BM's demands? Are you going to push yourself to do more than you should with a brand new baby because you refuse to disengage? There is a difference between helping to care for a child in your home and letting another woman use that child to control your husband.
1. Dad has a conversation
1. Dad has a conversation with the coach or adult leader of SD activities. Tell them that the don't want to put that person "in the middle" but that they must know how information doesn't always travel well between divorced parties. Ask for the information to be duplicate emailed to them as well.
2. When the child is a bit older I would put it on HER shoulders to keep your family apprised of her obligations.
3. Ignore the EX. You didn't marry her, you didn't have a kid with her, you owe her "nothing". I take the high road and be cordially polite to her but I would not seek her out or have anything but a peripheral relationship with her.
4. You don't have to sit there and "take it" from her. Hang up the phone. Drive or walk away. Don't engage back at her.. just leave. An icy stare as you turn on your heel is fine.
5. She steps in front of you while you are talking with other parents.. just give one of those eyeroll looks with mild surprise and then walk away. SHE will be seen as being rude and you are the pained saint.
All in all.. I think that your DH and your SD and you will all benefit from you being able to turn away and not engage with this woman. Sometimes higher road brings less conflict in for everyone. That doesn't mean you have to stand there and take abuse... just remove yourself from the situation. and Ignore the .....