should this bother me?
I have been married to DW for six months. Live with SD14 and SS11 FT during school year If intrtested in details, read my entry in general forum from 4-1. For various reasons, I have stopped asking kids to do anything except take their dishes from the table. I occasionally encourage them to vomplete something DW has asked them to do before I will agree to do something for them. Sometes they finosh the task to get ehat they want, sometimes not. I leave it up to them. Anyway. 2 nights in a row I helped SD14 with homework since she had missed school. She went to bird last night and asked for 6:00 wakeup this morning. DW woke her up, she went back to sleep. At 6:50 she starts yelling from the downstairs at DW for not waking her up. DW tells her she did wake her up.and that SD14 struck/pushed her away. I did hear SS14 respond to the wakeup call, that much I know.I told SD14 that DWhad indeed been town there, argument pretty much ended.
FF to this afternoon. Early release from school due to snow, and SD14 is spotting in the room her mother has asked her to pick up for a week. Like I said, I have pretty much given up on that. O did approach her, however, to tell her that I am going to take her attitude and respect (or lack of) towards DW into account when she asks me to do stuff like help her with her homework. That is what I WANTEtp do anyway.
Sd14 saw me coming, held up her hand as if to silence me, and said that she was going to clean up the room as soon as this show was over. I said that she says that every day, but that was not what I was there to talk about. I told her that I didn't like her being nice to me when she wanted help, but being disrespectful and/or ignoring her mother's requests. I got a tearful response that I was attacking her character and that since I wasn't going to help her I wouldn't be able to testify in court ( pending custody battle) that I helped her with homework. (Something I mentioned in an affidavit and BF shared with her on her last visit.) Anyway, it became a big mess, but I made the point that I am noting her behavior towards her mother, since if she disrrspects her she disrespects me.
So here's the question. Should I ignore behavior from skids towards DW that I wouldn't allow from my bios? I don't like withholding things, but I really have no other way to influence behavior. I wasn't threatening any consequence other than not helping. Am.I wrong for trying? DW dislikes any and all conflict between me and skids, so she is pretty upset about this. I think she thinks i should just ignore it. Is she rigbt? Thanks for any replies.
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I want this to work with all
I want this to work with all of us for all of our sakes. I know I will get the disengage advice, and I amall for lowering the stress levels in our home. DW views disengagement as giving up and rejection. She feels that by taking this kind of stand I would be trying to send skids back to BF. That is beyond the scope of this particular blog entry, and it doesn't answer my question about my attempt at influencing behabior.So, ignore the behavior and stop helping? Or ignore the behavior and continue helping? Do I stop paying attention to ANY kind of behavior? Only mention good things?
You have to find what works
You have to find what works for you when it comes to disengaging. For me it started out as not disciplining and not dealing with homework and school trouble battles. It slowly progressed into the minute SS got disrespectful I would walk away. That meant he would get left behind when I took Bios to school, I wouldn't make his lunch, I would drop him off with someone when I took my kids to do something fun. Now, I just ignore his existence in general. If he asks a question I will just say "talk to your dad". I don't fix his plate for dinner, I don't do his laundry, nothing. Of course I am weeks away from leaving and divorce.
My point is, you find what works for your sanity. Do what feels right. It will take lots of tweaking until you find the right balance for you!
Do whatever you like - but on
Do whatever you like - but on YOUR terms. So if you want to help out, only help out because you want to, and how you want to. If we're talking about a homework situation, then you can set the terms for your willingness to assist. It may be that you tell your skids "when you get home from school, drop your bags, grab a snack and immediately sit at the table to do your homework. I will answer your questions at that time." Then, if they don't sit down and do their homework at that time, you clearly tell them "I told you that I would help you at (this time) only. I am busy now, so you are on your own. Tomorrow, if you are sitting down at the time I said, I will help you."
This applies to every other situation as well. Do it on your terms, tell them what your terms are, and if they don't meet your terms, you don't help. You are teaching them to respect the situation, respect your time, and how to take responsibility for their own decisions.
You can make this work, but first you have to remove the situations that make you upset. It isn't giving up, it's just changing the rules so that you are also happy with how things are unfolding. If they don't want to play along, that's fine, but you don't have to play their game - you set your rules, because you deserve to have these rules. You are an adult, after all, and you've already done your time as a child. So you don't need to be drawn into childish fights now!
Disrespect towards me isn't a
Disrespect towards me isn't a huge problem, I really don't put myself in that position much. The basic question is this. Do I accept the behavior towards DW, even if I dislike it, since DW says she has no problem with it (sometimes she does). Do I just let stuff that I don't like "roll off?" Am I a prick (as has been suggested), for having such a hard time with that?
Re: Amyyy's question. The
Re: Amyyy's question. The difference (as I see it) is that DW and SD14 both like it when I cook, help with homework, go to functions, play cards, stuff like that, and they still encourage it. Would that still be disengagement?
Disengaging is NOT ignoring,
Disengaging is NOT ignoring, it's changing the way you feel, see and do for others. If you LIKE all this stuff, then do it. But if you hate it, that's where disengaging is needed or you explode from frustration.
Thank you all, especially
Thank you all, especially you, luckymomme. We seem to see things from similar perspectives. While I have yet to see anything approaching a fairy tale step family, I don't envision step life as a marching band stepping to two different drummers.
"Should I ignore behavior
"Should I ignore behavior from skids towards DW that I wouldn't allow from my bios?"
We met with a child psychologist and she said NO!! Do not ignore it b/c the child is going to become a terrible adult that no one wants to be around. She said the only thing to ignore and blow off are the dirty looks, b/c kids are gonna give them regardless.