Enough of the Attitude!
I've had it with SD12's attitude. I can't deal with it anymore. She has been so good this week until we started the homework. Then, same old thing. Blaming not doing it on everything except who's at fault - SD! She even blamed the homework for not getting done. DH kept asking "when are you gonna get it done? when are you gonna get it done?" She said: "Chill. I just woke up." Finally I got sick of the back and forth and SD's manipulation of DH (just make her do it!). So I stood up and said "here's how it's gonna go!! you are going to do it right now or I am taking you back to your mom's. I've had it!!!" I can't deal with this crap anymore. It's been 4 years of fighting to the death when doing homework. Nonstop arguing, nasty looks, yelling, more nasty looks. Who does she think she is? DH just gets manipulated and ends up helping her to the degree that he is doing it along with her. She says "I don't know how to start it." blah blah. Just a way to get him to do it. and it works every time.
Same thing happened today and I lost it again. I've never really yelled at her before, but I just can't take the attitude anymore!!!
It's only day 2 of homework. We have until mid-June!! UGH!
Yes! This!!!! She's old
Yes! This!!!! She's old enough to know the consequences of not doing her homework, let her fail!
Or, do as my parents did to me: homework is done right after school or I wasn't allowed to do anything other than my daily chores. No phone, no t.v., no friends, nothing. I also had to go to my room and they'd bring my dinner to me to eat alone.
I know the feeling. I see SS8
I know the feeling. I see SS8 ignoring or talking back to DH and DH doing nothing much and sometimes I interject. I really HATE doing that though because then I feel mad at DH for letting a brat disrespect him and that I had to step in instead of him manning up. It's a bad cycle. DH will ask for the remote or tell SS8 to go brush his teeth and SS8 will flat say "no" and then proceed to ignore DH. I can walk into the room and give him a look and he's getting up because he knows I don't take that crap. Then I fuss at him and DH.
I agree with you. I feel that
I agree with you. I feel that I have been disengaged from her, but the nasty looks at her dad are what get me. I just can't take it! oh, I think I've said that
I guess I did the opposite of disengaging. I just feel that this is my house and how dare she treat DH in such a disrespectful way...and in front of my kid who is going to be old enough to soak this all up very soon.
You are right. Not my kid, not my problem. Just take your attitude back to your mom's! There is no place for it here.
Exactly! and I get so mad at
Exactly! and I get so mad at DH for letting it happen. Grow a pair, you know! My DH is a guy's guy, but when it comes to SD, he just has no backbone. It makes me disrespect him myself.
I understand, curlysue. I
I understand, curlysue. I certainly don't usually tell her to do it. Just sick of the constant attitude. Just get it done, so we can move on...instead of ruining everyday you are at our house. You know?
I backed off that after the
I backed off that after the first joint school year. DH SAID school was important but every night was a fight for homework with SD. BD and SD were the same age. Now littleBD and SS are also in school with homework.
After the first year I woke up one day and asked myself WHY I was fighting if DH didn't care?!?! He was mad at ME for calling out homework not being done and making him follow it up. So I stopped. Cold turkey, I just started completely ignoring it too.
I am on my BDs of course - its mandatory all homework is done when they come home. I have an ask once policy with the skids. Skid1 and 2 - don't forget to do your homework - my job is done.
Yesterday in fact, I told Skid 2 to do his homework - he mouthed off by shouting at me that he already did. I know for fact his backpack was still in my truck - I was going out, I left with the backpack. When I returned it was bedtime - I checked BD's homework since I had gone out right before bed. DH asked for SS to bring his homework - he couldn't find it but swore to DH he did it. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE - he never even had his backpack.
I just let it all unfold - so much more satisfactory than being blamed for making DH parent.
But, I agree, the hardest part of disengagement is that it still KILLS me each and every time wathcing the skids direspect my husband even if he is allowing it - it makes my blood boil.
See, this is what I could not
See, this is what I could not do. I will not just sit back and let someone act however they want in MY home.
It didn't come up often because my SD is mild mannered (now 21) and my husband taught her at a very young age to respect ALL adults but in her teen years if she got snarky (as they all do), I called her on it even if my husband didn't (he usually did). You want to treat your dad like shit? Grow up, get your own house and invite him over, but you won't do it in mine.
Yeah, I am not the poster step mom for disengagement!
My question to you is - what
My question to you is - what is the fallout? We can't figure out how to stop the attitude. What did you do to make it stop?
It would help if your DH
It would help if your DH would stop taking her crap and giving her choices and I would talk to him about that but if he is not willing to do it, keep doing what you did. She will eventually figure out that her behavior will not be tolerated by you even if her father pussy foots around. Yes, you will look like the bad guy. Who cares?
You and DH come up with a homework schedule, a place where she is to do it and consequences if she gives you any crap. It would be best if DH laid this out to her but if he can't without getting into a back and forth with her (which gives her power) then you do it. Remind her that if she would just do it instead of arguing about it, it would be done!
Get DH to stop doing her homework for her. Do whatever it takes to get him on board. Does he want her to drop out of high school because she can't do her own work? Does he want her to have to rely on a man to take care of her because she can't get a job and won't do anything for herself? Seriously, he is not helping her become a self-sufficient adult. Give him very good reasons why he should back you up on this. Well, he should take the lead with you backing him up but we'll see!
I know kids don't want to listen to anything we have to say but they still hear it so I would just tell her why it's important for her to do her homework, remind her how much better things are when she doesn't throw around the attitude and whatever else you feel is important to say. We seem to think these kids should just know how to act and what we want out of them but they don't always. They are old enough to manipulate but they still have child minds and do not think like mature adults.
Right now, the fight is worth it to her because she gets what she wants. You and DH need to make the fight NOT worth it. And that's probably going to be hard for DH but it has to be done. If he's not willing, well, do what you need to do (within reason). That's my motto.
And for the record, my SD does not hate me or think I was cruel to her. So, I guess I did something right.
^^^^^So helpful^^^^ Thank
^^^^^So helpful^^^^ Thank you! I just told him that arguing with her gives her the power. He understands. I hope this helps. I told him I am very serious that I am not putting up with this anymore. It's gone on long enough (her attitude). I reminded him that when I tell her to STOP, she stops. Even though she probably hates me in the moment. I don't care.
I am in a separate room right
I am in a separate room right now, but the same thing is happening. Homework=Attitude toward DH. She knows everything, didn't you know? How dare you tell me I'm doing my homework wrong!