Between a rock and a hard place
SS15 came to live with us almost 4 years ago since then we have struggled an up hill battle against the foundation that was laid for him by BM. Education, maturity, independence, respect, discipline...etc. BM had taken him, married and disappeared when he was about 2 she resurfaced when SS was about 9, after she divorced. Living in another state from my DH and she was looking for financial and parenting "support"...it was difficult and signs of inappropriate parenting were showing and DH suggested he live with us...BM was not happy and showed it. Made it difficult for them to speak with each other, did not give him gifts, letters, cards, packages that were sent and so on. Needless to say my SS as well as her other 3 were removed from the home due to neglect and abuse allegations to one of her other children (she since has them back) and DH fought and won full custody for SS. This child lies, steals, cheats and at first we thought it was reaction to the years of his up bringing with her (the apple doesn't fall far) however after 4 yrs we have not seen much improvement and I am now at a point where I do not feel comfortable with him in my house...he's very manipulative, suspicious, sneaky and he makes me uneasy. The last draw was NYE when he stole some money from our youngest...and it's not so much that he stole (again) it's how he shows no remorse or how he conducts himself through out like nothing has occurred. DH and I agree that he cannot continue to stay with us as he is causing concern for our other 2 but the dilemma is that we know his return to her would be ruin not only his own future but his relationship with DH. We have looked into military and boarding schools but frankly we can not afford them...we do not want to burden any other family members with his actions and the work it takes to keep him on point. I am at a lost...I have suggest moving out with my our other 2 in event to keep SS and DH together until he graduates but my DH feels that is unacceptable. Any advice, suggestions...HELL anyone else experienced with this?
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There are a number of posters
There are a number of posters on here who have experienced similar dealings. My SS is only 8 but shares many of the personality and behaviors you described. I really don't have any advice except don't split up your family unless you are willing to divorce, because it won't go well.
That child needs discipline and serious behavioral therapy. Have you talked to his DR to get you in touch with someone at a children's hospital that specializes in children that lived through abuse? You don't need an everyday counselor, you need a specialist. A military school sounds good on paper but the reality is he is crying out in this behavior. I know that it is hell, but you guys can make it through to the other side! Just remember all the he has been through. Your case with Skid problems aren't just dealing with entitled brats, this boy has serious psychological issues, that are normal for what he went though.
Psychological issues? I've
Psychological issues? I've considered it but I suppose it's hard for me to accept that that could be the "answer" mostly because he knows what he's doing...it's very calculated. The fact that SS comes across so innocent and friendly is the scary part most people would never know or believe some of the things that have occurred having met him. I absolutely do not want a divorce that has never even crossed my mind but the "the other side" that I foresee does not have SS there and I worry the stress of it all will inevitably affect our family. Honestly there was no abuse founded, we all believe BM Ex put one of their BD up to the allegation so that he could get the other 3. Though there were still no awards going out to her regardless. We did do counseling for a year both privately and through the school system but even that was a struggle because he was rarely truthful during sessions. Example...something would be discussed and 2 sessions later we would discuss what really happen. I have a hard time accepting that there is an excuse or justification for his behavior i.e psychological issues...2 years ago? Yes, I stood by that idea but I believe it is choice because he disregards consequences. We have discussed things with our family doctor who seems to think extra effort on our part needs to be given...she always says "SS is the kind of kid that needs you to stay on him", "don't give up on him", "he is not use to structure and discipline", "keep encouraging him" and so on...and she is correct and we agree. We are just drained and I worry the overall affect it has on our other 2