Struggling with the "TEEN YEARS'"
Well not that it has been rainbows and kittens the last 4 years with SS15 but now we enter the world of preparation for adulthood, most behavior is to be EXPECTED...not completing assignments, not turning in homework, slacking on chores,nonchalant attitude, testing our patients...etc but I refuse to make it ACCEPTED. Like many his age he continues to fail to realize the outcome of his poor choices in high school and his lack of ownership in decisions he makes there and at home. Because we were not involved in the early foundation of his upbringing it continues to be a battle to get him on the right track, I feel DH and I should remain a united front in our discipline and lectures we give him but am I wrong to think Absent BM should be informed? I mean even if just to have a conversation of encouragement for him...in my mind I have justified this with..."well she's all he knew, so maybe it will sound different coming from her" "she knows him in a way we don't, maybe she knows the right words to motivate him". However she hasn't spoken to him since January (as far as we know)and she hasn't physically seen him in almost 3yrs, so in the event that she would talk to him could it backfire? I'm not expecting him to make a drastic change over night...hell I don't anticipate much change at all in the next few years but I'd like to believe that as parents and step we are obligated to be our children s subconscious and though it may not seem like they hear us most times...they tend to tap into our words later. I think that if BM could be one of those voices, even 1 out of 365 days a year then we left no stone un-turned.
Thoughts?
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Leave BM out of it. She has
Leave BM out of it. She has clearly made her choice in not being involved in the day-to-day parenting. You have to continue to talk to him and give him your expectations. We had these problems with SS15 and it is turning around. He is A&B now but he was C and D's when we got full custody two years ago. Just raise your expectations. Every time SS didn't turn something in or not do the extra credit, he lost his Xbox for 24 hours. DH sat with him to do homework every night. We made him study after school every day in the dining room for an hour at least even if their was no school work. DH checked it online every day to stay on top of it and they would go over it together. It was exhausting. There was no trust for him, he had to earn it and he really still hasn't as DH just figured out that he exempted a test he knew he was borderline to a B and should have done a different one. But, he was tired of German and wanted to be done. So it never really stops that DH doesn't have to be involved in his schoolwork.
But, as he finishes his sophomore year, he has most of the skills he needs. He still has to be continually monitored.
He needs natural consequences for his actions. There is a book that helped me with BS19, who in reality was easy. I was doing most of this with him and didn't realize it, but it reinforced it for me. "Teen Proofing".
Find his currency and use it and no screaming or yelling about expectations. Just say it once and then be prepared to do what you say.
You're both right, she has
You're both right, she has certainly made her choice. And many of the things you described mom we have done or are doing...and YEEEESSSSS it is exhausting. I genuinely just fell like I don't want to miss any other alternatives. I personally can't stand BM as a mother or person however it feels like putting a puzzle together with all the wrong pieces...we're just trying to see if something...anything will fit.