Update: Maybe DH and SS are better off without me
So another pointless phone conversation with DH. He had called to tell me something about his work. We started to discuss the thing about the police coming to the house last night for SS and I tried to ask DH again as to what the consequences are for that.
DH: I'm dealing with it. I told him to write 100 lines and he's not allowed to play with his friends.
Me: until when?
DH: well its going to take him awhile to write those lines
ME: no its not, it will take a day like last time. I think he should be grounded from anything fun for at least a week.
DH: I'm handling it. It takes time.
WTF. Then I go on to say that I've booked my first counselling session.
DH:is it for the 2 of us?
Me: no just me.
DH: why do you need it?
Me:I need help to deal with the stress. I can't really handle it.
DH: What are you stressed about?
ME: You and SS
DH: Well maybe you shouldn't come back then...UNTIL YOU'RE FIXED.
ME: Excuse me? I'm going to get help for my part of the problem. I'm not the only one that needs help with this. And me staying away isn't going to solve the issue, it's just going to divide us even more.
DH: Anyways, we'll talk about it later.
That's how he ends all uncomfortable conversations. I hate it. I am steaming mad right now. I absolutely hate how he just cuts me off. We are in the middle of a conversation buddy and it didn't get solved!! You don't just leave me hanging like that!
I know you are all going to tell me to just stay at my parents' since DH doesn't even care. But when we are together, the conversations are a bit better. At least I can make him wait there while we (I) attempt to talk it out. I just really don't want it to end like this. There is no closure. He's giving up and it hurts so bad.
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Sitting here this is what I
Sitting here this is what I see is happening.
You are the scapegoat. You will be the bad cop. You will be the unhappy nagging bitch.
See, right now you sit in between DH coming to realise that his son is out of control and he will need to step up and deal with it. BUT ... when you are there you are the one calling him out on stuff his lazy Dad should be doing. Instead he has YOU to keep his son in line.
If I were you I would tell DH that you will be back for 48 hrs. During that time he is 100% responsible for his son. You will speak to his son but no watching him while he runs errands (oh and no sex between you two).
After that time you will return to your parents place. Then you will re-evaluate how the situation has changed for the better. If the consequences meted out to his son for kidnapping and imprisoning another child do not match the seriousness of the crime (because if he was 9 yrs older he WOULD be in jail)you will not be returning.
I could not live with a man who allows his son to get away with crimes because he is too tired. I wonder if HIS son was forcibly kept in a house if he would agree with the parents making their son write 100 lines and no other consequences.
Nah, go home and lock the child in a shed.
OK so I suggested a couple of
OK so I suggested a couple of weeks ago that you stop the pointless phone calls as they don't give DH time to miss you, take you seriously, and think about his priorities. But you have carried on having the phone calls despite finding them increasingly frustrating and futile?
It doesn't seem to me that either of you actually think you are separated. His comment about not coming back till you're fixed is rude, patronising, disrespectful and expresses denial that he has any role to play in adjusting his parenting or behaviour as a partner, but it also very clearly suggests that he thinks this is temporary and you ARE coming back. He is not taking your departure seriously at ALL as an ultimatum, and part of the reason for that is that you are still chit chatting to him every other day, and concerning yourself with SS and his discipline! You're sending the message that you're still involved, still care, and are getting counselling help to cope with your feelings about SS and DH. So in his view it's not ending, he's not 'giving up', he's just waiting for you to get over your silliness and come home.
So the good news is, DH doesn't think you're separated and on the brink of divorce, which explains his low key response, the bad news is he is not taking you seriously at ALL and if he carries on like that you WILL end up separated and on the brink of divorce.
So how are you going to get him to take you seriously?
1. Stop interfering with his parenting of SS. The way I see it you left, with good justification, because you had too much responsibility for SS. But now you're trying to take on shared responsibility for discipline for an event that occurred while you have been on an extended stay at your parents? There's no need for you to do that. If you complain that you have too much responsibility for SS, and then DH takes more responsibility, leave him to it! They are clearly coping without you, that's a good thing, it means you probably took on more than you needed to and can step back and stop worrying whether SS brushed his teeth.
2. Stop having pointless phone conversations. Go to counselling, form a plan of action, understand what YOU want and need, then visit DH and have a face to face conversation about it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Propose some tangible changes to the way things are organised that DH can respond to, because he clearly doesn't respond well to general expressions of stress and anxiety with no suggestions on how to change it.
3. Prioritise DD. In a previous post you said:
"I know the obvious thing would be for me to disengage with SS. But I feel like there would be an even bigger divide in our family. DH will be with SS and I will be with DD. I just don't feel like that would be a satisfying relationship."
Not as big a divide as there will be if you get divorced! If DH parents SS and DD, and you primarily focus on DD, that is not a divide, that is an overlap. A lot of stepfamilies organise themselves that way. You need to give disengaging a go, because it's a lot better solution than having your baby grow up in a separated home because you were fixated on an all or nothing approach with SS.
I really love this post,
I really love this post, there are quite a few bits of it I can take in relation to my own relationship issues
Bojangles-Thank you so much
Bojangles-Thank you so much for all of your insight. It gives me a lot to think about. He did call me back after last night and said he was sorry. But he couldn't tell me why he was sorry. Whatever. Just to put it out there, 90% of the phone calls are initiated by him. I really have to learn how to disengage and let things go. I hate that so much of myself is focused on the issues concerning SS. I need to give more time and energy into my DD. I know what you are saying about the overlap, but so much of DH is focused on SS (because he needs it), that he has next to nothing left for DD. BM lives 9 hours away, so it's not like we can just dump him on her every once in awhile. SS needs A LOT of help in all areas and is very much attention seeking constantly. I realize what I have to do but I don't really see it being realistic-as SS needs the attention of 2 parents, especially with DH's parenting style. It's just not cutting it. If SS was an easy going, doesn't need much to be happy kind of kid, then it would probably work. Right now I've been thinking about all of us moving closer to BM so that she can share in his share. YES-it's that bad, that I want to live closer to BM. Not super close, but at least within 2 hours.
You're welcome. I'm not going
You're welcome. I'm not going to lie, it's very hard to co-parent with a man who struggles to understand and articulate his own feelings and who shuts down when difficult emotional stuff comes up. I've been through that. Given that a stepfamily situation requires more support and understanding than most, especially for the stepparent putting in the effort with little personal reward from the child, that kind of behaviour can create real anger. You definitely need counselling to cope with that and get coaching on how to negotiate with DH. Unless you can do that your husbands taciturn stubbornness is going to rule you. Remember just because he calls doesn't mean you have to answer. If he is rude or argumentative you can end the phone call.
On your concerns about respective parenting of DD and SS: I understand that you resent not having DH focussed on DD, I would too. But you have to focus on the best options with cards you've been dealt. You're a SAHM, reality is you are the centre of DD's world, and many men feel kind of surplus to requirements during the little baby phase anyway and only come into their own when baby reaches 2 and is mobile with real personality. DD is not going to suffer from DH focussing on his troubled son for a while.
But this can only be a workable solution for you if DH does continue to step up and take responsibility for SS and making a household contribution to meals etc, and you can downgrade your parenting standards and try not to expect DH to parent to your standards. If DH has different ideas about chores/diet/hobbies/homework supervision etc just let it go, pick your battles and focus on the important stuff like safety, and SS being respectful towards you. If SS goes to bed at 1am and his teeth fall out from no brushing and he never hand in any homework that does not need to be your concern. And don't worry about consistency with DD - the age difference is so huge that the rules for SS need have no bearing on DD. Your idea about relocating to share the effort of taking care of SS with BM sounds like a sensible practical suggestion to me. Could special schooling for SS also help manage his behaviour?
Wow! What a JERK! U need to
Wow! What a JERK! U need to STOP talking to him, Period! It seems like He is always the one cutting u off and hanging up! Why the heck do u even start Any kind of conversation w him when u Know how its gonna end up! He doesn't even Care that u are stressed ou! I think YOU are better off without Him!! Just Move on and let him deal with his weirdo son! UGH!
He cuts off the conversation
He cuts off the conversation when he knows you are right and he is wrong. Ending the conversation with a probably (meaningless) excuse to finish it later takes away any of your momentum and adds to your frustration.
He knows exactly what he is doing when he does that. He doesn't want to hear anything that disagrees with his own POV.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it and will take everything to heart. First thing, I am going back this weekend but I've given myself 2 weeks to see how things go. By that time, I should have already had at least a couple of counseling sessions.