Kindness
Recent blogs/posts in here got me thinking about kindness.
I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation in life before—except in step-life—where I felt I needed to monitor or control my kindness or empathy. But it has been different in step-world. Like many of us, I started off with my eyes wide open, not in awareness but in hopeful naivete. I was certain that I’d get along spectacularly with the skids. It’s heartbreaking when I think back to my mother saying, “Those kids are going to love you!” She was hopeful, too. She was willing to extend her grandmotherliness to the rude ingrates. One of two times she met them, she told them they could call her by her first name or, if they wanted, "Grandma." The skids made it clear that she was as worthless as a piece of crap, a nobody, just air.
I thought all would be good not only because of my own naivete and wishful thinking but because DH told me that he and the ex had a positive relationship. It took a long time to recognize that they “had a positive relationship” as long as he went along with what she wanted/demanded.
I think the initial kindness many of us naturally express isn’t earned. I also think it can appear that we are trying to “buy” the skids or trying too hard to get their approval and love. Maybe we are in some sense. I wanted the skids to like me; I wanted to have a good relationship with them. So, I was nice to them. Early on, I made excuses for them.
But if I were to give my earlier self advice, it would be to withhold my urges to be so kind. I didn’t owe these kids anything but civility. It would be a reciprocal relationship, not a one-way deal. I could have been more cautious while I observed. Instead, I was kind, I was careful of BM’s feelings when SS got quickly attached to me (he has since been deprogrammed), I did what I thought was right. And I was still the bad guy. Still am.
When toxicity and drama fully entered the picture, I grew more careful. I still bought gifts for the skids, but I did not attend graduations or other events. That was my choice. They were welcome in our home, and I allowed way too much poor (especially) SD behavior. I paid for a lot of meals, went all out during visits, went without because of DH’s obligations and ridiculous financial demands outside of CS. The result was I got crapped on. That was the period when DH told me I was seeing the worst in everyone; I was seeing what I wanted to see; blah blah blah.
Five years in, I was emotionally done with the skids. Even though I didn’t see SD for 7 years after that and only sporadically saw SS—they were pretty much out of my life—I had relapses of kindness where none were deserved: nice, thoughtful graduation and holiday gifts that I know were discarded, sold, thrown away; financial help with euthanizing/cremating a family pet in SS’s care; responding kindly to a covertly evil email SD sent me when my mother died (it was awful); tolerating our treatment at SD’s wedding; then buying baby gifts (to have even that used as a way to hurt me—another story). Then I majorly relapsed when DH had his health scare. Because, logically, I thought that normal people would behave like homo sapiens during a time of crisis. The exact opposite is true when you are dealing with abnormal, illogical hate-primates.
So, I finally completely shut the door and locked it (thanks to being on here), and DH is onboard with that, although he still carries on relationships, although distant ones, with the cretins. But still, most recently when SGD had a seriously horrible issue, here I was on here asking you all what you thought of DH and I perhaps buying her Christmas gifts and opening the door to her. NO. A big NO. (Thank you.)
It's hard to work against our own natural compassion for others. But that old adage about fool me once shame on you, fool me twice (or 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10) times, shame on me. What do we get out of “being the bigger person?” Crapped on.
I was listening to an Eckhart Tolle podcast and he said that (translated into my words) toxic, hating trouble-makers are truly unconscious, and you simply cannot change their behavior, although we believe we can (and we want to). They are dealing from THEIR “reality” when we expect them to deal from our (saner) place. Just like the psychologist said to DH and I so many years ago: You cannot place logic on the illogical.
E.T: “If you resist or fight unconscious behavior in others, you become unconscious yourself. But surrender doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be used by unconscious people. Not at all. It is perfectly possible to say ‘no’ firmly and clearly to a person or to walk away from a situation and be in a state of complete inner nonresistance at the same time.”
Thankfully, my skids have mostly been out of my life for 15 years. The only time in that 15-year period that SD has been in our home was when DH was sick and, before that, when she wanted to “reconcile” i.e. the transparent beyitch wanted money for her wedding--money which she did not get, by the way. I soon realized that even sporadic interactions were too much for me. These people hate me. They don’t deserve my kindness or even my civility. They aren’t worth any rudeness or anger from me. They don’t deserve to know what’s going on in my life. They deserve to be -- air. Get what you give. We are almost at that point except for the few instances when DH mentions them anymore. It feels good to be here. Finally.
I think we need to take our empathy, compassion, and kindness and remember to give it to people who are worthy of it, and that includes OURSELVES.
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Comments
You should only be kind to people
Who are kind to you. If someone treats you like dirt you disengage. Meaning no kindness or none of your time or money. No playing Santa or Ms Uber. Then get what they deserve. If they deserve nothing they get nothing.
'How hard would it be to show your mother respects by calling her grandma? I call family friends uncle X . Aunt Y. Out of respect. He deserves to not be called X. or Mr X. So I call him uncle. Big deal.
'your SK are ungrateful kids.
You said it much more
You said it much more succinctly than I did ~ :)
I always enjoy reading your
I always enjoy reading your perspectives so much. It resonates with me because I too am a naturally kind, generous, patient and long-suffering person.
I am thankful that I never had the opportunity to really "dive in" to the Step-Mom role. In fact, I don't consider myself to be a SM.
First of all, BM held the reigns tightly on the Sdiablas and used them as her personal mediums/representatives. She didn't allow them to like me. I didn't want to interfere with BM's need to be THE Mom.
In retrospect, I am grateful that I didn't have the time or energy to try harder or do more because I would have and it would have been a big waste of my life.
Second of all, I was simply too busy with my own BK's and a very demanding long-distance custody schedule to have the time to do any running around for SD's.DH and BM handled SK's after-school extracurricular and enrichment activity schedule.
What I did do was provide a safe, clean, and welcoming home for SDiabla's. When they were teens I made big-family style home cooked dinners and I made big weekend breakfasts. Unlike BM, I treated their Dad with the respect that he, or any other decent human-being, deserves.
What was the thanks that I got? Snide and snotty comments, door slamming, gnashing of teeth, outright rejection, shunning. No basic manners, much less a "thank-you."
After too little too late, and lots of conversations with DH, he finally got SD's to at least say "hello, goodbye, thank-you," some basic civility, but all the passive aggressive BS, snide comments and shunning is still there.
A couple of years ago OSD28 implied an apology for her past behavior to DH but never actually said sorry. YSD26 is 100% a mean brazilla.
DH fluctuates between exasperation, pride, denial and magical thinking. He can't handle it.
If their own parents can't handle them then why should I be able to handle them? I shouldn't. That is why I am removing myself from the situation as much as possible. I have realized that they were all insane before I came into the picture and they're all still insane.
DH finally broke free of a domestically violent relationship. (BM physically attacked him and destroyed his property multiple times.) That level of dysfunction doesn't just disappear because he left the relationship, at least not when he had to "co-parent" the Diablas that they created.
There is no such thing as co-parenting with an abusive ex that is using the children to punish, control, and hurt you for their own selfish gratification. There is only being the best parent you can be, keeping your connection with your children intact and hoping your children can come up for air once they are old enough to figure out what the abusive, selfish parent is doing to them for themselves.
I should know because I had to do that for my own children. All of whom have miraculously turned out to be decent people. DH was too checked out and avoidant to do what he needed to do to handle The Diablas. His parenting style is being permissive and hoping they self-repair and self-regulate. It didn't work. At least not in the context of teaching them how to have healthy interpersonal relationships. SD's have big problems in ALL of their close, personal relationships. Neither can maintain a romantic relationship. Both need to be the center of the universe and have everyone revolve around them. They keep score, tit for tat. They're exhausing and horrible to be around.
I am still processing. I am still trying to come to terms with them being in my life in some shape or form for as long as DH is in my life. They are the type of people I would completely remove from my life if DH weren't in my life. It is difficult to accept that they are still there, lurking like a dark cloud. A dark cloud that DH loves and still wants to interact with but that he has no ability to handle. I am not sure what to do with that? I guess I just let it be?
I have realized that they
THIS! If only we could have, would have, and continue to chant(ed) this to ourselves on a daily basis!
And our husbands all need to chant THIS on a daily basis!
As long as you are ok, content and not stressed out/put upon by SDiablas.
By the way, people with whom I have set firm boundaries in no way describe me as a "naturally kind, generous, patient and long-suffering person." *giggle* I am the bitch from hell. Oh, well. A happy bitch from hell.
"By the way, people with whom
"By the way, people with whom I have set firm boundaries in no way describe me as a "naturally kind, generous, patient and long-suffering person." *giggle* I am the bitch from hell. Oh, well. A happy bitch from hell."
In the words of Jesus, I proverbially told the Step-Diablas to "Get thee behind me Satan!" So they're not particularly fond of me as well. Lol
The only person in DH's family that has shown an understanding of how difficult it has been for me (not the diablas) to walk into this situation is DH's BIL, because he has dealt with similar BS and he sees that I am a good person.
Luckily, no one in DH's
Luckily, no one in DH's family ever liked BM, which caused distance between them and the skids. His family was/has been supportive of us. A few of them don't refer to BM by her name but instead refer to her as The Ho.
DH's family is very
DH's family is very supportive of DH and no one likes BM but nobody acknowledges how hard it has been for me, only how hard it is for DH and Diablas.
I hear you, Mia!
My good friend and successful business woman (D) dated an English Prof who settled in Ontario after taking a job with a local university. His ex-wife and 2 grown daughters live in Australia, although dad visited the DDs often and kept up with them on social media.
After a year of dating, D became engaged; both she and her fiancé decided to take a vacation to Australia and meet his family. The fiancé had assured D that his girls were warm, kind and outgoing and that they would love her so, of course, my friend was looking forward to establishing a relationship with them. Speaking of warm and outgoing, D is an incredible person; generous, thoughtful and blessed with a terrific sense of humour.
As you may suspect, the meeting was an utter disaster. The ‘girls’ were complete bitches from practically the moment that D and dad arrived in the airport. D’s fiancé was shocked to see his darlings behaving so badly! The fiancé had made some wise investments over the years and his ex-wife had convinced her daughters that fiancé’s remarriage would rob them of their inheritance. In other words, daddy was to remain single for the rest of his life.
D's fiancé had several talks with the hags, to no avail. He was horribly hurt and, for most of their vacation, the couple toured Australia and Tasmania, unable to spend any time with his daughters and endure their extreme hostility.
To this day, D’s husband has been somewhat estranged from his children; their relationship will never be the same. Paternal resources, whether financial or emotional always seem to be at the bottom of a SD’s resentment. Gimme, gimme, gimme!
In other words, daddy was to
Yes, Same situation here. DH said that BM wanted to keep him "as insurance."
But, oh, what a dream to have nasty skids in Australia!
Not too surprising, Mia, my
Not too surprising, Mia, my friend, D, said much the same thing, "Thank God that they live in Australia!" So far, no invitations to visit Ontario have been extended. As Rags has often asserted, having the shallow and polluted members of a gene pool at a great distance makes for an improved stepparenting experience.
Empathy and kindness in
Absolutely!
Like you, MorningMia, I
Like you, MorningMia, I originally wanted my two SDs to like me, to have a good relationship with them. I anticipated it would all go well, because I'd already raised two daughters of my own and thought it would be easy. Haha. I realised soon enough that BM had trained them to hate me and not only were they not going to like me, there was never going to be any relationship. But I carried on cooking for them, buying them Xmas and birthday presents for many years. Their idea on what they wanted was to be able to treat me like shit, while I carried on being nice to them. Tbh, it was good that it all blew up in 2022 when SD29 said what she wanted to say to me, and I cut her off. We have not seen or spoken since, and life is better for me.
"But if I were to give my
"But if I were to give my earlier self advice, it would be to withhold my urges to be so kind. I didn’t owe these kids anything but civility. It would be a reciprocal relationship, not a one-way deal. I could have been more cautious while I observed."
I agree with this so much, and if I could go back, I would not have tried so hard. It was a losing battle with BM in the background. DH couid not win with SSs, so how I thought I could is beyond me. Sadly, it's still something I need to regularly remind myself.
Yes, and I convinced myself
Yes, and I convinced myself that what I was seeing wasn't really happening. Self-gaslighting? How could people that DH speak so highly of reject, belitttle, and lob hurt? I'd not encountered that before, and DH "didn't see/hear," convinced me they didn't mean it and that they really did "like" me. Yeah, they liked my wallet.
I found my way, thanks in large part to my StepTalk friends. Bank of Merry closed. I stopped overfunctioning for DH. Other adults became responsible for their own relationships.
The result is sadly predictable.
Fantastic post @MorningMia, I
Fantastic post @MorningMia, I fully agree - kindness is reserved for those who deserve it. I too...did exactly the things you spoke of, always an effervescent well of geneorsity, kindness and giving...met with a flat affect and resistance every single time. It became heightened when one boy married a girl from a broken family whose mom was like a lot of these BM making her ex-husband punished, ridiculed and brought down at every turn. The boy and bride became an unstoppable toxic duo that unleashed their anger, sadness and frustrations on me- every turn, every corner. I finally just emotionally cut myself off from the whole mess and now live a wonderful peaceful existence - I am not curious about anythign they do or say or engage in, I leave everything up to my DH to do or not do and I pretty much just stay out. THings could have been different but there comes a time in our lives where we realize we have precious precious time /years to spend with quality people rather than expending our energy on those that have never been kind. As the years continue to grow us more distant...I start to realize how little was in the deal for me and how I accepted scraps of (at best) toleration (he even used the words "I will learn to tolerate you.")
Tolerate me? You're tolerating me paying for you to go on vacations, dinners, extra activities, clothes, someone who listens to you, shows love towards you and is kind to you. Someone who dimmed their light for years to not "out shine" the SKIDs and sacraficed without you knowing the level to have you tolerate me. All while the people you praise are the ones that ransacked your savings, never paid for anything, never attended one sporting event or gave you shelter, food or care (since I've been around.) Hmmmmm....that was a great big lesson.
I don't need to be tolerated, I need to be celebrated.
I don't need to be tolerated,
Yes!
It is incredible how similar so many of our experiences have been.