When you (we) just stop responding/engaging (w/spouses)
Jumping off of Yesterdays' post about her DH continuing to talk about the skid college tuition/plans at home when Yesterdays and her DH have already discussed the situation several times. I think there is a point when we stop responding. Especially if our prior responses are not fully "heard" and we are getting frustrated.
I made it clear to my DH about 5 years ago that I was not participating in grandkid gifts, just as I had given up on skid gifts (and then cards). Y'all know why. Since that point 5 years ago, SD has had 3 more children. I do not engage. At all. With any and all. They do not know me. They never will.
Last night, DH points to a birthday card on the table and says, "Can you offer [youngest grand] a piece of advice?" Me: "Huh?"
"Can you write something on his birthday card?" Then he puts a pen by the card and leaves the room.
It is these situations that call for ZERO response. Knowing that DH is diligent about getting cards out on time (probably well ahead of time), I went to the table and folded the card closed and put the pen on top of it. I did NOT sign it or write any "words of wisdom." Then I left the room. Today, I will be out all day. DH probably plans to get the precious card in the mail today. Oh well. I'm not getting into it. I'm not repeating myself. I'm not getting sucked back in. I AM NOT SIGNING ANY *$#!# CARDS. And I'm not saying it again.
(I could have asked "Where are all the birthday cards I never got from any of these people?" but we know where that would have led. lol.)
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I am going through this now
I am going through this now with my SO and travel ball for SS. Basically SO is just done with it. He can't even come up with one particular reason why. But his is going back and forth with BM saying that if SS joins a team that travels more he wants nothing to do with it. SO told BM he does not have the PTO, the funds, or the patience for it any more. He said SS either stays on the team he is on or goes local rec next year and that is it. That she will be one her own if she lets SS be on a different team. SO is either upset that SS isn't playing and only pitches like 4 innings in 8 games or he is upset because SS gets put in other positions (this only happens when they are short kids or someone is sick)and has to bat and does bad. To me it seems like SO has aged out (in my opinion, he is an older dad to be doing this running around) and that he is tired of SS being a turd and not trying his hardest for something that has cost thousands upon thousands of dollars and a whole lot of time. But anyway SO just continues to vent to me. Then I am the bad guy for just saying to stop it. Let BM and SS do what they want , all SO can do is basically not do it if he doesn't want to. Of course arguments came from it and we didn't talk for a night.The next morning I said please don't talk to me any more about the baseball I do not want to fight over something that has nothing to do with me. I am tired of hearing it . None of it is my fault. It didn't work I had to tell him at least two more times yesterday that I don't want to hear it. Oh and I have told him several times I am done discussing SD college and sure enough he had to bring that up too. And then he wants to ask why I don't show him affection and attention. . Because all he talks about is arguing with BM and the kids bull crap that he is frustrated with. It isn't even anything good about the kids. So if that is your priority right now then why should I make it a priority to show himsaffection.
Yes!
So if that is your priority right now then why should I make it a priority to show himsaffection.
I get this, physical connection comes from a close mental connection. Not feeling seen or heard does not elicit warm fuzzies.
It's a shame your DH seems to
It's a shame your DH seems to be trying to get you to go back on your decision. I had an appalling time with my own DH 3 yrs ago when he threatened me with divorce if I wouldn't see his daughter. I pretty much said, well, divorce me then, as I'm not changing my mind. Since then, he has accepted my position and there is never any suggestion I should sign a card/have her here in my house/ come with him to meet her etc. Lord knows what I'd do if he did - I think I might call it quits just to get some peace.
It's bizarre.
It's bizarre.
Good for you not taking the
Good for you not taking the bait. It takes self-discipline to walk away without engagement. That type of trying to hook you in behavior is so strange to me. I don't think I'll ever fully understand it. Do you think he wants to reinstate you as a meat shield? Why would he ask you to sign it? Not that you have to overthink it, it probably doesn't really matter why. It's so odd.
I guess I should be more grateful that my DH seems to be content, and even relieved that I don't participate in cards or gifts nor do I join in on his outtings with the SD's. I have no desire to chase after rude people that don't want me around.
If anything I have to bite my tongue. I have a lot of true things to say that I know are best left unsaid.
I did think it was odd that DH asked if I wanted to go vacation with the globetrotting SD's this Spring. I told him I'd rather go anywhere in the world other than where they are at. I'm not one to mince words. Lol
And we are going to be traveling this summer to see my family and then traveling to Europe this Fall - without Sdiablas.
Recently we were visiting a family member of DH's that doesn't know the SD's. DH had a couple of drinks and before you know it his tongue is loose and he's bemoaning how hard the SD's are to deal with and how they don't like me. We get back home and said family member sends us a text with what I believe was well intentioned but misguided advice, something to the effect of "Elea, Bio D and SDiablas should start a vlog together. Elea can be in charge and SDiablas can contribute from their globetrotting travels." Lol!
I told DH, this is why I don't like to talk to random people about our situation unless they have personally experienced something VERY similar. Most people just don't get it. I told him that HE can respond to his family member since HE is the one that was complaining about it, not me. Guess what he did? Crickets.
We don't have to put out every fire that our DH or SD's start. It felt uncomfortable for me to leave this family member hanging with no response but it isn't my responsibility to fix. I'd rather live with the discomfort than get into a mess that I didn't create and can't fix.
Right now I have underlying anxiety about SD26 coming this summer to housesit in a neighboring city. I am trying to not worry about things that haven't happened yet but I know she will stir up trouble one way or the other. SD's always have an underlying agenda to split us up and cause drama. I know he is constantly turning down their invitations for him to ditch me and go vacation with just them so they can be his mini-wives. I told him up to 3 or 4 days with them is fine but doing a 1 or 2 week vacation with them as if he's a single man is a dealbreaker. I'm not dealing with that sh@t again and I think it's stupid and sets a bad precedent that he ever catered to that kind of demand in the first place.
A vlog. I laughed at that one
A vlog. I laughed at that one!
Yea, I work on trying not to overthink this stuff. I figure DH still wants to "prove" to SD that a I am a nice person or he feels embarrassed that I do not acknowledge the little ones--or anyone else over there for that matter. . . maybe it's a mixture of the two or something else. Oh well.
That makes sense. Recently I
That makes sense. Recently I have noticed that my DH wants SD's to think I'm a good person too. I think he's scared that I don't care about being "nice" anymore. And he's right, I don't care about being "nice." I'm a good person but being a good person doesn't mean you allow other people to use and abuse you.
I don’t understand any of this
Unless you have unlimited money. Paying for high price things like collegeor travel ball . Affect your finance as a family. And you should have a say in the amount of joint money goes to these things. I would not sit around doing nothing when my money is given away.
'things that take joint money should be discussed
We have discussed the money.
We have discussed the money. What I am tired of is that he must be looking for some kind of solid answers from BM and he is not getting them. He won't get them and I have told him that he can't control her, he can only control what he does. He gets in agruments with me saying it is not that easy. And he says I don't understand why it is not easy. And honestly I don't understand because he is a wimp when it comes to his kids and BM. At this point he should be okay with just not doing.
Actually.. this is kind of my
Actually.. this is kind of my tactic on a lot of what I would call the annoying level stuff with my DH.
I basically kind of ignore things.. He wants to do X.. I don't want to do it.. I ignore it.. and unless I act like I want to do something.. his ideas kind of die on the vine.
He wants to talk current events.. I'm in a willful state of acknowledge and pass by things I can't afffect.. so I just don't interract.. and when I won't carry on the other half of the conversation.. or bring up some other thing he was supposed to do.. we just get past it..
so.. yeah.. not fight about stuff.. just ignore.. "oh.. I forgot.. oh well".. kind of attitude..
There comes a time....
"I hope it works out."
"Hmmmm. Interesting."
"Wow!"
"We'll see."
"That's nice."
etc.....
And the emperor of words.
"No"