Venting re the ex and her so called 'need' for privacy
Wow, I have a blog. One where just maaaayyybeee others might understand me(!) How amazing would that be?!
Omg, not sure where to start...
As we speak, my live in boyfriend is out having a talk with mother of his children, because she requested a private chat.
She has this thing where she likes to insist on talking to him about their kids *only* when I'm not around. ...as if I'm a threat of some kind. As if I'd do or say anything...? I am truly confused as to why exactly she insists on privacy to talk- but yes indeed, it irritates me. Given the 'history' I have every right to be upset, with all the secrecy she and he had in the past that led to no good. So I guess I have trouble understanding why ANY privacy at all should or would be permitted by my man. She has control apparently over his relationship and interactions with his middle child- and so that's all I can think of that would come 'close' to being reason enough to allow her the luxury of private chat. I suspect truly that she does so to get under my skin, and to cause us trouble in our relationship, because she detests me. ...and clearly, if that's her aim, she succeeds. I guess what hurts even more so is that the man who calls me the love of his life is allowing her this luxury.
Anyone have a similar situation?
Some days I am able to 'suck it up'... but some days I am on the verge of a break down over her stunts aimed at destroying our relationship... if I were some kind of threat, then I'd understand- but I have several children of my own all about the same age as their children. It's not like I can't relate or understand regarding kid issues. So her illogical requests DO really get under my skin and make me feel less valued in the eyes of my guy. She always seems to be the one calling the shots, and he only shows her that she can in my opinion. At our expense. ...blah blah blah. Am I being unreasonable, after having suffered through so many back and forths with those two relationship wise(?!)They say they're over now, so why not be public with conversations etc. I have always said that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Yet, this privacy is permitted. Am I a fool to worry... or to feel hurt?
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It isn't about the
It isn't about the kids...it's about you. It's her way of shitting all over you and your bf's relationship. She gets her cake and to eat it too. He needs to draw some boundaries with this woman. If he isn't willing to then kick him to the curb. Because, it will never end unless he puts a stop to it.
My SO used to let BM run his
My SO used to let BM run his life this way too. Ridiculous requests, guilt, annoying tactics to cause issues. Finally, I put my foot down and said 'Get some boundaries or get a new girlfriend and good luck finding someone who will handle your EXWIFE so well.' And he did. He set the boundaries and stuck to them. I had every intention of leaving if he didn't. But he was smart and saw that I was serious.
The truth is - if you're confident in your relationship - Let the BM stuff roll off your back as much as humanly possible. She doesn't have him anymore. You do. So this is just her way of controlling what little she has.
As soon as my SO put his foot down, BM actually relented. She went crazy for 2 days and then just sucked it up and doesn't completely respect the boundaries but as long as SO doesn't tolerate her veering off the path, let her be her desperate self.
What saved us is that BM found a new victim. Life got SO much better.
I personally would not want
I personally would not want to be in on those conversations as the less I see of BM the better.
BUT..... BM and your SO should NEVER NEVER NEVER be alone together. They can have all the private conversations that they want over the phone or in a public place. Private meetings behind closed doors? NO NO and NO.
BM never really requested
BM never really requested private convos with DH. And I never requested private convos with my ex. Seems weird that she would want it and he would go along with it.
Just to add...I was having a heated discussion with my ex many years ago over the phone. His new wife was in the back ground cussing about me and blablabla. I told the EX to shut her up or our talk was over. He made her quiet down. I think if that would have happened more than one time, I would have started requesting private conversations.
I don't talk back in the
I don't talk back in the background- I have learned to bite my tongue and he has learned to defend himself somewhat to her for a change. But he generally is too
Accommodating to her, and she knows it, so she takes the mile he allows.
The thing is, less than a year ago she was in his pants and had a
Routine of breaking us up every other mth for awhile til she
Finally told him she was done and dumped him. I almost feel it was to leave him yearning and longing- all about her ego in other words. And he falls for it, like a sick puppy. She's so full of herself too, it's unreal. I have never met a person more stuck up with her nose in the air. But she takes control like he's a puppet on strings, and he allows it. I just am unsure of what to do anymore. I feel alone.
Is he afraid to "make waves"
Is he afraid to "make waves" for fear of her retaliation? He needs to realize that the more he gives in to her unreasonable requests, the more advantage she will take of that situation.
Our BM also tried to "demand" face-to-face meetings with DH. He flat out told her no. She was breaking a court order (No Contact) by calling him in the FIRST place. Anything they needed to talk about could be done in writing.
He is showing you that HER feelings matter more than yours. Because he is afraid of making HER mad more than he is afraid of making YOU mad. Typical method of operation with spineless wonders.
I agree with you. And we were
I agree with you. And we were (are?) Planning a future together- he says he wants to marry me asap. Funny, he asked for the divorce a year ago and she said no and to wait on that. But now for some reason she's talking divorce, and wants to meet to discuss changing their separation agreement and to discuss the divorce stuff and other finances. She told him the whole process might mean meeting over the next 6 mths or so. It all just sounds like a crock of sh*t to me quite frankly, and an excuse to date. He gets mad when I say they're dating, but essentially they are, so why would I sugar coat it. She gets whatever she asks for usually. Can't think of a time that she hasn't yet! Sure doesn't allow me any security at all. But then, that was her plan all along. Wish her bf wasnt so oblivious to her headgames that just tease him and keep him hanging on. She's a nut job for real.
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the comments and advice. She calls him constantly, and for every problem that arises it seems. Yet she tells him she's moved on and is in another relationship. It's almost like she wants to tease him and ruin our relationship all in one... because he told her, against my wishes, that her calling bothers me. Now she knows she has power. Also in several of their discussions they have discussed the fact that they have love for one another and attraction still, but can't get past the trust issue. I guess I worry that he still wants her and that she is simply stringing him along because she wants me out of the picture. I certainly have not interfered when she has called, and have been very patient each time, so she has no reason to wish for privacy in my opinion. He says she somehow feels that she's betraying her kids if she calls and talks regarding them in front of me. Does that even make sense? Is it even valid?
He says he loves me and only wants to have a good relationship with her. Though he sees that these private calls do really hurt me, he chooses to respect her wishes above mine. If any of it made sense, I'd be all for it- but it sure is seeming like he is living for her, as her puppet... and that I'm only an after thought. This week has been the worst one we've had in awhile, and I doubt it's any coincidence that they keep calling one another over every little thing. Either he's lying to me, or he needs to take a good hard look at the message he's sending me. And her. Because it's not good at all.
There is absolutely NO reason
There is absolutely NO reason whatsoever for him to talk to her about anything other than the skids. PERIOD.
This has to be a hill to die on. I would totally walk if he couldn't grow a spine and put up his own boundaries.
As for him telling HER that it bothers YOU...YOU should absolutely positively never EVER be a subject of conversation. The minute your name...or "her"...or "your wife" comes out of her mouth, he should hang up the phone.
Problem is, if HE doesn't get it, you are in for a world of hurt sticking with this guy.
Google, "emotional affair". Some guys have a hard time completely cutting things off with their exes and they have all sorts of excuses why they NEED to talk to them.
She actually usually tells
She actually usually tells him she doesn't want to hear my name or anything about me. She detests me. That's why I'm almost certain that a lot of what she does is to get to me, to make me leave him. ...the hurtful part is that HE allows it. Says he loves me, but he allows this bull to continue. I know he feels she has a lot of power over his relationship with his middle child especially- because they haven't seen one another since the split essentially... it's been very hard on him, yet he won't take steps to talk to his son or handle it himself. He lets his ex govern when he can send a singular txt, or when he's allowed to walk by him briefly in the house, which has only happened like twice in the last couple of years. His middle son is almost 17 years old(!) Yet the ex feels SHE should decide when dad can interact. I just don't understand. Not in a million years would I allow my ex to tell me when I can or cannot talk to my child- even if my ex did have the better relationship with them. I always tell him it's HIS relationship with his son, NOT hers. But he allows her to govern... thus they still aren't speaking or hanging out.
Anyhow, thanks for your advice. I am unsure as of yet what to do... we just moved in not that long ago, and the thought of moving again just breaks my heart... especially moving out to be alone, when I've really given up my entire life to be with this man. It's like he doesn't even realize my side of things... has no way of understanding... guess it's all about him... sometimes I just feel like such a stupid fool. I just want to cry... but I have to keep living somehow... and hoping. I'm not ready to give up quite yet.. but he'd better soon take steps to tell her she no longer runs the show... that he won't talk to her privately- that everything they have to say can be heard by me, and that he'll deal with his son himself and doesn't need her permission. That's what needs to happen, or she'll run our lives with constant interference until her bf finally clues in to what's going on. (unfortunately he's clueless right now)