My SD and Husband are driving me insane!!!
I'm currently living in hell with my husband and stepdaughter. Backstory, my husband has 2 kids from a previous relationship (14 yo daughter and 9 yo son) and we've been together 8 years so I've been in the kids lives since they were 5 and 1. Their mom has full custody but we get the kids once during the week and every other weekend. We used to fight all the time whenever the kids would spend the weekends with us because my husband is a typical Disney dad and let's the kids do whatever they want. He's a great dad but he's too lenient and lets them walk all over him. Such as talking to him any kind of way by cursing or yelling at him, making a mess and not cleaning up after themselves. And I should mention these kids do whatever they want when they're back home with their mom because her and her fiancé have a total of 7 kids and they can't control them so they just let the kids do whatever they want. it's insane!
Fast forward to now, my husband and I got married in 2020 and just had our first child together in 2023 and I thought everything would start to get better, of course I was wrong! My SD has always been a "problem child" and has always fought with her mother to the point where cops have been called numerous times. She started living with her grandmother and getting involved with the wrong crowd and now she's been labeled a whore so she's embarrassed to be in her Grandmom/mom's school district anymore, so guess where she has to live...with daddy and step mom.
My whole world turned completely upside down in a matter of minutes as my husband literally went to her school and talked to the guidance counselor who told him she is on the verge of getting pregnant or doing drugs, so he wanted him to take her immediately. So that's exactly what I want around my young baby.. great. Her mom didn't care and has been begging us to take her since day 1 but then would convince her to stay every single time because she doesn't want to lose child support or her babysitter. Her only son is with my husband and he's her favorite child, so needless to say he's the golden boy who can do no wrong and my SD acts out constantly for her mother's attention but her mom just doesn't care.
So we've agreed to take full custody of her, however my husband is still paying her mom for both kids because he's worried the courts will make him pay way more if they try to settle in court. So prior to my SD moving in with us, my husband and I talked about the rules she needs to have in our house, such as keeping her room clean, keeping her bathroom clean, cleaning up after herself whenever she eats, doing her school work, literally all the things she's never been required to do and we were in agreement, or so I thought. Welp she came Nov. 1st to live with us and right off the bat she's leaving everything a mess, not cleaning up after herself , not doing her school work unless my husband literally sits down with her and makes her. The worst part is that my husband does absolutely nothing about it. He allows her to go out with her "guy friends" all the time (which why is she always hanging with boys) without doing any of her chores or homework. She disrespects him in so many ways and he just takes it. Him and her mom are paying thousands of dollars for her to do competition cheerleading and I just don't get why when she's failing school and misbehaving. It blows my mind!!
The first 2 weeks of her living here we allowed her to have a sleepover for her bday with 2 girls only and while I was upstairs putting my baby to sleep, she and her friends decided to sneak 2 boys in and hide them in her room. They're idiots because I noticed my ring camera was turned off and my back door was unlocked and I could hear the boys from her room, so when I confronted her, she lied and I pushed the door open and made the boys leave and kicked her girls out too. She calls her mom and now I'm the worst step mom in the world and everyone is mad at me because I ruined her birthday. She literally snuck boys into my house and I'm the bad guy? Her mom literally told my husband that I should've let the girls stay and we could've grounded her the following weekend but I ruined her birthday and it's not right. F that!
My husband was at a camping trip with my SS at the time so it made it even worse because I was alone in the house while this was going on. Like anything could've happened. He said I made the right decision to kick everyone out but I honestly think if he was the one here he would've let the party still go on because he doesn't like disappointing her. I was hoping after that incident, he would see how manipulative and conniving she is but instead he just doesn't care and he's letting her go out all the time and not do her school work or her chores. She literally has the freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants and it's driving me insane.
Her and I have always had a pretty good relationship but I'm starting to resent her and my husband because she's taking advantage of our kindness. I can't even fully blame her though. I blame her parents because they've allowed her to get away with so much!!! The other day my husband told me she was hysterically crying to him saying she no longer wants to go to school and just wants to be homeschooled because the kids at this new school are now calling her a whore (just like the last school). Clearly she's doing things to be called this, but my husband just sees it as kids being jealous of her (which may be true, but more than likely it's because she's doing things she shouldn't be). My husband couldn't get her to go to school one morning because she was screaming saying the kids are being mean to her. So I had to step in and force her to go to school and deal with her problems. She's always running away whenever there's an issue and her parents let her instead of teaching her to face her problems she brought on herself!
I made her go to school and brought her to the guidance counselor and by the end of the day she was back to herself and everything was resolved between her and the kids. So I thought she'd learn her lesson and stop hanging with boys that are giving her this "whore" reputation, and nope she just goes right back out on the weekends with these guys and her dad just lets her. It's blowing my mind!! My fear is she's going to get pregnant and her mom is going to make her stay with us so we can raise the baby, not doing it!!! My husband swears that if she gets pregnant that she's gone, but I don't believe it. He could never kick her out and now she's talking about staying here until college, like I want her gone NOW!!!!!
I do love her very much and as I said before we really have always had a great relationship (even with the sneaking boys in incident), but I'm worried I'm going to grow to hate her and my husband. This situation is killing me and idk how much more of it I can take. My husband literally told me she should be able to go out when she wants because "it's her right!" My mouth dropped!!! I literally wanted to punch him in the face!!! All I could say was you're an idiot. I had to explain to him that it's not a good look for her always being with boys considering the reputation she has back at her moms house and now up here and also she shouldn't be allowed to go out without doing her chores and school work. His excuse is that his mom never made him do chores before he went out and he would just come home and his room would be clean and laundry would be done, so why should he punish her when he wasn't punished. It's mind blowing how some of these dads can be.
I guess I just wanted to vent and see if you guys think I'm overreacting. Have any of you all dealt with a SD who runs your husband and household?! My husband and I have done counseling before (pre-marital), so we're not opposed to doing it again. I've talked to my mom about this as she's kind of in a similar situation with my stepdad but her and my stepsister don't get along at all and she's never liked my mom. My stepdad never handled the situation correctly so now my mom and stepsister avoid each other at all family events. I don't want that to be me and my SD. My mom tells me to just disengage which I've done a lot but it's so hard for me to sit back and watch my house and husband get taken advantage of, but if he's allowing it, what can I do!!!
Thanks for listening to me vent!
Your Problem....
is your DH. He is NOT a good parent. You don't let children curse you out, yell at you, ignore seriously bad behaviors...in fact, he seems to be enabling it....and be considered a good parent.
You did not ruin your SDs birthday...SHE DID. That was her consequence for breaking home rules.
Seriously....get your DH back to counseling. Find a counselor who has experience with blended families, especially toxic blended family situations. Get some boundaries set and rules set, commit to enforcing said rules and boundaries, etc. Your DH needs to wake up and get serious about his 14 year old daughter....or she WILL end up pregnant. Then what?
Best to you.
EDIT: And ignore anything from the BM. She doesn't run your home.
Thank you for this! I've told
Thank you for this! I've told him multiple times he's enabling her and trying to be her friend, not her father and he says he's witnessed kids he's grown up with being disciplined and grounded all the time and all it did was make them rebel so he's worried she'll do the same. He's trying to be the parent she can come to no matter what (his parents were that way with him), but he turned out to be a good kid. My SD's mom was apparently the same way as a child and boy crazy as well and her parents let her do whatever, which is why she now has 5 bio kids by 3 different guys. I'm trying to prevent my SD from going down the same path but so far it's not looking good.
I'm definitely going to look into the family counseling as I think my SD could use some as well.
This was my SD as a teenager
and at 22 she is a sex worker. She didn't get pregnant but I think that's only because she has severe endometriosis. She constantly has veneral diseases and I don't let her around my children.
Goodness, that's one of my
Goodness, that's one of my fears as well! My husband would probably still turn a blind eye if she ended up a sex worker as he just wants to believe his little girl is an angel. He's in complete denial but it's obvious she's sexually active and she's going down a scary path. I've tried to talk to her about being around boys all the time and what type of reputation it gives her and how she is going to basically end up like her mother and all she says is she'll never be like her mom and she doesn't want kids. She claims she's smarter but meanwhile she's exactly like her mom, which is why they don't get along. We'll see what happens.
After BM let SD Run wild
And could not handle her anymore. Do you seriously think you are going to do better. ? And your DH decides to go camping leaving you his mess. Your are the adult, it's you've home. Guest what? You make the rules. SD either follows them or back to BM. Make it clear. You will have nothing to do with any GK. SD gets pregnant, she's out
A Disney dad is anything but
A Disney dad is anything but a great dad. Stop ascribing parental greatness to a parental failure.
SInce you now have the skank SD full time, run the State online CS calculator and get a picture of how CS will change by going for BM's throat to reduce CS. Then... nail DH to the wall by the wrinkly sack to go for a CS modification. No need to go to court in most states. Just file for a review and the DA will likely assess the required information from both parties and issue the new order. If BM contests it, it may end up in court but that is likely with an Admin law Judge and not a full meal deal courtroom drama fest. If the online CS calculator does not show to your advantage, make the choice that is most to the advantage of your side. The one in all of that that I feel for is SS. He is stuck with his shit mother which does not bode well for his outcome being any better than SD's outcome.
As for "love(ing) her very much". What is there to love? Not only is there nothing to love, there isn't even anythying to like. Do not cheapen love because of a naive delusion that love of a kid is unconditional. It is not unconditional. It is highly conditional. It is earned by action and constantly demonstrating love for others over love for ones self.
This 14yo is a POS. She does not earn love. So do not waste it on her. 14 is far more than old enough to know right from wrong and far more than old enough to be held accountable for choosing to do wrong. Drive an increasing level of abject misery and remove any semblance of enjoyment from her life. Put her ass in online school, and remove her from any social interaction. Or... get her ass in a disciplinary education camp where she has professional staff so far up her ass 24/7 that she would crumble into weaping appoplexy rather than break the rules.
You/She does not have the time to fix this without direct overbearing misery inducing intervention. No matter what... 18, she is gone... Better yet, emancipate her at 16 or 17 and take affirmative action to save yourself and live your best life.
TIme for full frontal total domination, zero tolerance, and absolute misery inducing accountability to come down on this kid like stink on the shit behavior she is choosing.
Take care of you.
For damned sure drag daddy and this population servicing nighmare kid in to get Norplant and eleminate the risk of her adding a GSkid while she is residing in your marital home.
Also, get the documents together for forced emancipation so you can beat the snot out of your failed parent, failed mate, failed man, failed partner DH to boot her ass as soon as possible if she keeps up her shit ways tragectory.
I know, not loving, but I am completely caring. I care about you and you taking care of you. Since.... no one else in this scenario is worth a shit.
Grrrrrrr.
What a Nightmare!
I swear I could have written that first paragraph you wrote. My DH is not quite as bad a Disney dad as yours but he is kinda close. BM has 2 other kids from a relationship after their divorce and now she's onto the third guy who also has 3 kids from his previous marriage, so yes, their household also has 7 children and I doubt that she cares that much about what the kids do (or don't do). Luckily my SDs aren't as bad in terms of their behaviours with their mates, etc. but my DH also tends to close a blind eye to their unacceptable behaviours at times (i.e. they saying rude things to him, or to me, etc.).
I think that your DH has what's called a divorce dad guilt. And BM probably has the same. They all feel bad for disciplining their children because they inherently feel bad for having a divorce to begin with and putting their kids' lives in broken homes. People like these should almost just stay married until their kids are older so that they don't have to also ruin their kids' lives too.
I think you need a serious conversation with your DH. If your SD is sexually active and you know it, I think you need to get her on the pill or some other contraceptive methods so that she doesn't fall pregnant. That's the least you could do. If you don't trust her taking the pills then get more permanent ones, like Implanon or something along that line. You need to have a serious conversation too with your SD and set up consequences for breaking the rules and boundaries. Make sure your DH is on board with that. Once the rule or boundary is broken, apply the consequence. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Teenage kids always try to push their boundaries. It is a part of growing up. But you and your DH need to draw that line and she needs to know 100% of what the consequences are for breaking the rules. Sorry to say but you also need to make sure your DH does it all the time. For example, you cannot let your DH not apply the consequence if she's broken a rule. He needs to apply it. And if your DH has problems being firm then perhaps he can get counselling or guidance on how to be a father. It appears to me that your DH is the problem here. Same as in my situation.
In my situation, I honestly just don't care anymore about having a good relationship with my SDs. I don't wish to be avoiding each other on family occassions, etc. but I just only wish to be in cordial terms with them. I don't wish for us to be friends or to be close, and I honestly have given up and don't care about that or them anymore. People used to say, when they are older they will understand and appreciate, but I honestly couldn't care anymore. Even if they do appreciate it later on, I don't want their appreciation, I don't need it. The way they are and the way they are heading, they will forever be this ungrateful and entitled kids who just want to use others when its advantageous for them, so I don't really wish to have anything to do with them now and later on besides being cordial and polite to each other. They are my husbands' kids, not mine, and that's just the way I see it. I think more people in blended families should just see and act more that way, and it'd just feel more liberating. No responsibilities, no expectations and therefore no feelings being hurt.