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Mzcra's picture

My boyfriends children have literally ruined my relationship. The major issue is his oldest daughter who is now 19.  Everything was fine until we moved in together and she refused to visit because me and my 2 kids "made her uncomfortable". I ended up moving out for a year while we worked on things and it was in that time he finally realized that the actual reason his kids never came over was because they couldn't run around with boys, lie and not clean up after themselves. By the way- those were his rules not mine, I'm much easier going than him. And honestly, they weren't around enough or me to even make an issue. 

After I left my boyfriend finally realized what his kids were all about. Oldest daughter was supposed to get a job after graduating high school, never did. She did however babysit some and watch peoples pets/houses while they were on vacation. Pretty much anything that involved her sitting on her phone or having an empty house to have sex in. He refused to give her a car because she refused to work prior to going to college. Within her first week of college she's stressed out and wants to quit. Finally after a few months of "depression"  and being suicidal,  she gets her mother to take her to a psychiatrist who recommends a medical leave from school and inpatient treatment. Of course she never goes to the inpatient treatment, but withdrawls from school and sleeps all day. 

Finally my boyfriend and I have repaired things enough to get engaged and move in together. =That is until  the girls mom decides to move in with her boyfriend. The oldest daughter can't live with him because he's so terrible. (Translated too, he realizes how lazy she is and refuses to let you lie on his couch all day) So my boyfriend moves her in with him. I broke up with him. I absolutly respect the fact that he's a father and should stay with him and whatever, but she's just laying around doing nothing. She's 19 years old and has been a mess ever since i've met him. After about 2 weeks of her laying around doing absolutly nothing he gets pissed off and demands she speak to the pastor about what's going on. Turns out she's been raped.

God forgive me ...but I just don't believe it. Aparently the rape took place 6 weeks ago. Well her sister told me at the beginning of all this suicide business that she hangs around with assholes. Apparently this rape was so traumatic she cannot function. Of course she never went to the police, never had a medical exam, never had an bruises or scrapes and the best part, she refuses to tell anyone who the boy is as she doesn't want him confronted. Now I am well aware this girl has been sneaking around doing all kinds of things behind her father's back including sending naked and sexually explicit snap chats to people, having sex, and generally lying about all of it. I personally don't care what this kid does, she's 19 and frankly she can do whatever she wants. But I think the reason she doesn't want to tell my boyfriend who or how it happened is because she knows that she's been lying about what she's doing. He was here last night sobbing at the idea of his daughter being raped and vowed to find out who the young man is and kill him.

My thing is if she was actually raped and she's so traumatized that she can't function she should 1. go to the police and 2. enter an inpatient mental health facility.  He disagrees. While I feel terrible if she was raped and certainly understand that she needs time to get her life together, I don't know how laying around sleeping all day is helping with that. Also, why does she refuse the inpatient treatment? At this point even her mother has washed her hands of her. 

My boyfriend was upset that she moved in with her boyfriend knowing the child had just been raped. I say good for her. She has 2 other kids, she took the daughter to get help and the daughter refused to do what was advised and thank God the mother has stopped putting her life on hold because this 19 year old girl can't get her life together. I feel that at her age the best place for her is a dorm room. What normal 19 year old wants to live with their parents. 

My boyfriend and I had it out today because he says i'm not supporting him. We can no longer spend time together because  this child can't be left alone. I also have 2 children including a son who is autistic. My kids are normal, good at school and follow rules. They adore my boyfriend and my boyfriend likes them. This enrages all of his kids especially his oldest daughter. At what point do you as a parent refuse to help a child who refuses to help themselves. Any advice is appreciated and I'm sorry it's so long. 

 

 

 

Mzcra's picture

I appreciate your response. And believe me, I've accepted that this kid is never leaving and that the other 2 are most likely on the same path. He is the one who doesn't seem to understand. Literally, he will call me everyday for months begging me to just please work with him. How do you tell someone you actually love that their kids are a train wreck and shows zero signs of ever being on her own. I'm fine with walking away. 

tog redux's picture

If this were a kid who was adequately functioning before, and now is not because of a rape, it would be a different story - but this is a kid who already has a host of emotional and behavioral problems and was making a mess of her life PRIOR to this event.

If she was raped, as you said, she needs to get some counseling. Whether or not she reports it is up to her, but your BF should at minimum be pushing her to get some help with the emotional piece.  You can be sympathetic and empathetic to someone and still hold them accountable for addressing the issue they are struggling with.

Your BF is an enabler and will likely always be an enabler, whether his kids live with him or not. If you can't live with that, then let him go.

Mzcra's picture

He wanted me to come stay at his house with him this week. I realize that as someone who doesn’t particularly like this young woman that it’s best I stay away as she needs compassion at this time. He said he is shocked the mother moved in with her boyfriend. I wanted to scream at him. Yes your ex  wife actually puts her relationship first and not the poor choices of your adult daughter. My thing is, my boyfriend admitted to me he doesn’t want to deal with this but because the mother refuses to he has to. 

There is not a week that goes by that she doesn’t have these kids at a dr, specialist for some “issue”. I honestly believe if I give my boyfriend space he will come around and eventually see what a mess this girl was before she was raped. The rape- if it happened- is only going to give her one more excuse to lie around the house. 

You have no idea how hard I’ve tried with these kids. They want their parents back together which I can sympathize with- but it’s been 5 years. Wouldn’t you think at 19 you’d maybe decide to get over it and start their own lives. 

I get that sometimes the kids come first, but at what age do their problems start becoming their own! I’m just venting at this point. 

Rags's picture

Can you say...... manipulative bullshit?

While it is not beyond the bounds of possibility that she was raped, her previous behaviors and actions indicate that this is most likely just an escalation of prior crap and manipulation.

Your SO needs to calm his shit, inject some rationality and a calm managed progression  to supporting his daughter through her current issues until it is determined if she is full of shit or not while recognizing that the odds of her being full of shit are high.

She doesn’t like being responsible for herself and her own performance.  This smells like avoidance on her part more than it smells legitimate.  Her mommy is moving on with her own new SO..  college just smacked her in the face and Daddy is threatening to move on with his new SO.  Her status as princess is dead.

This is more likely than not an escalation of the same old shit.

IMHO of course.

It is mind boggling to me that so many SParents are tolerant.... at all.... of partners who suck so badly at parenting that normalcy in their relationship falls somewhere between rare and never.

Move on.  Enjoy your life.