Scheduling and visitation
So I created another post because I want everyone's opinion on how this should be handled. So finally around 6pm DH send SD another text, she ignored his previous tectonic about if she was coming or not. SD finally responded saying "she couldn't" because her team has a watch party Sunday and she got invited to 2 birthday parties. And she said "I can't go next weekend" DH is not responded yet but I'm thinking .... UM NO you don't run the schedule around here at all! All those things going on this weekend are optional for her, and if she chooses to yet again miss her weekend then she doesn't come until her next visitation which is the weekend of Feb10th, well that brings me to issues number 2, she had a volleyball games Feb 10th Saturday . When she has her games she normally does not come . They live about 3 hours away. So what to do .... I can see DH saying "well if she doesn't come next weekend , it will be another month she doesn't come" she has already not come over since before Christmas..... I'm not sure what is the correct way to handle... what do you guys think ? Again I only Offer advise to DH when he expresses to me ..
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If your DH is accustomed to
If your DH is accustomed to letting her dictate and is not wanting to legally hold them to the CO.....enjoy your peace and quiet.
enjoy your peace and quiet.
exactly!
The more you press it the more she will resist.
BTW how old is she? If she's a teenager then I'd just let her opt-out at her own risk.
If your partner is really adamant about it then he HAS to put his foot down and TELL her "look Suzy you've opted out of too many weekends and so on Feb 3rd I'll be picking you up to spend time with your family over here. Now pass the phone back to your mother so I can inform her of the same at have her help you pack your overnight bag" ... end of conversation
If she lives far away with her mother then why not get a hotel with a room with a door, let her have the room, he sleep on couch or get adjoining room if you go too (or executive apartments or airbnb 2 br house) and rental car and have her stay there. Then he could drive her to her activities (cap it at 2 hrs unless it's something really important) so she doesn't feel like she's missing out on her social life plus he gets to spend time with her.
And if anything goes awry then your partner can drag her mother into the top attorney's office (or a court room) and hold her accountable for not facilitating his parenting weekends.
Even if the girl still chooses to opt out at least there is record that he tried and she can't come back later screaming abandomment
Yea I have been enjoying my
Yea I have been enjoying my peace but my only issue is now she wants to decide on what weekend she wants to come. It's ok if she wants to opt out on her weekend ( well it's ok with me lol) but I don't think she should get to pick and choose the schedule. She missed her visitation weekend so there for she doesn't come until her next weekend. That sort of thinn
my only issue is now she
I agree. I'm not a fan of kid - led operations (unless the kid is highly intelligent and the parents are mentally challenged or mentally ill) so unless it's a rare occurrence of her opting out (ex once every four months or something) then your partner may need to just tell her and not ask her and be ready to enforce some consequences on her mother for not facilitating the weekend exchange
Now if she's a teenager like 16+ it might not be much he can do legally to her mother for making this so hard for your partner bc the court systems let the kids chose which parents home they want to spend more time in. But he may want to consult with an attorney to see if he has any grounds to enforce the visitation schedule.
Oh gosh, 3 hours is such an
Oh gosh, 3 hours is such an awkward travel time. Near enough for every other weekend visits but too far for her to do any of her regular activities or see her school friends on dad's weekend. She's a teen and social engagements are a top priority at that age. She knows dad will still be there next month so he is lower down the list.
If enough notice is given and it doesn't interfere with other plans I would be willing to reorganize weekends around some of her commitments if I was in your shoes.
The schedule is not only
The schedule is not only about Skid time with daddy. It is about the NCP household being able to make a life. The CP is paid CS to care, feed, and schlep the Skid around more on a full time basis.
So, inform your DH that the schedule is the schedule and SD does not just come when she feels like it. If she chooses not to come, she does not come on any other non-scheduled (per the CO) date.
I also would nail BM with a contempt motion every time SD fails to arrive per the schedule. Minor kids do not get to choose, officially any way, so... the CP should get spanked for interfering in visitation schedule and for withholding the Skid. Never forget that the one inherrent advantage the NCP has is that they do not have to take even a COd visitation. A refused visitation then puts the onus on the CP to continue to do what they are paid to do.
When BM loses her mind, DH needs to tell BM that the schedule is the schedule and the CP has the duty to deliver the Skid per the schedule. Since SD is a minor, the onus is on the adult to deliver, in this case... the CP. The NCP has the duty to return the Skid per the schedule.
No wilting violet games, hurt fee fee games. Just the fact of the COd schedule, and applying consequences to the non-performing paren
When BM or SD start crying, send them the highlighted elements of the CO. End of discussion. Or more accurately, zero discussion.
On weekends that are not COd visitation weekends... no skids. Period. Dot. If the Skid does not show up, have a backlog cool activity list and do something off of the list. If the Skid cries that the did not get to participate, remind them that they chose to not participate.
This is how I would do it.
I was thinking the same , we
I was thinking the same , we have her and my BS12 on the same visitation schedule ( BS12 sees his dad EOW) so we do actually enjoy the weekends we only have our kiddos , for some reason it's a bit more peaceful
I can understand the relative
I can understand the relative peace that would come with SKid free weekends. Skid free for both of you since in your marriage you are both SParents.
I am sure you kiddos enjoy the reduced drama as well.
She comes on her scheduled
She comes on her scheduled time to you- or not at all (waits until next scheduled visit). No flip flopping... no switching... etc.
Its not because the kid isn't wanted- its to prevent a tally system with BM and to allow for scheduling that doesn't involve SD (IE. a date night, your DH's work, something with your little little kids, etc.)
Yes . Exactly. DH has not
Yes . Exactly. DH has not told her anything yet but he needs to tell her exactly what you just said.
Next time she skips, all he
Next time she skips, all he has to say is " ok, see you on the next scheduled visit". The CO is there for a purpose. The judge signed it , DH signed it and BM signed it. Situations like your is exactly what the CO is best for. Controlling the chaos.
Agreed ! I think DH told her
Agreed ! I think DH told her this when she was trying to control the schedule
she skips her weekend, she
she skips her weekend, she waits until the next scheduled time. It's that easy. And life can and should go on when she's not around. make plans, have fun!
Right ! We actually had plans
Right ! We actually had plans to go out of town next weekend , MiL was suppose to watch our kiddos just over night . DH finally responds to SD today and says "I'm going out of town next weekend " which I'm sort of disappointed in his reply because really it should have been "SD14 it's not my weekend to have you so I already made plans to go out of town " this would let her know that 1) it's not her weekend to come next weekend and 2) we make plans when you aren't here . Instead he sort of let it open for her to think if we weren't going anywhere she would be able to come over even tho she skipped her weekend this weekend . Turns out MIL just texted us saying she won't be able To watch the kids for us because a emergency came up. Soooo I'm not sure how DH will handle it but SD was asking a lot of questions like where we were going and why, DH didn't respond. But o really want her to know that the schedule stays intact . I know she will not be coming on her next scheduled
visit which is Feb 10 ... oh steplife
You just make your plans
If you plan a mini vacation on a weekend of the X. Then SD can't come no one will be home. If DH gives you grief over this, you have bigger problems. DH mover 3 hours away from his DD . How does he intend to parent ? School calls. At 1 pm. I will be there at 5 pm. School will be closed. She has a sport a 3 pm. He has to take 1/2 a day off to go ?
Yea we had plans To go out of
Yea we had plans To go out of town next weekend but they just fell through so I'm waiting to see how DH handles . Also BM is the one who moved away, all her family lives here near us . She moved to a super small town to be with the guy she was cheating on her husband with and big surprise , it didn't work out
My YSD17 hasn't been here
My YSD17 hasn't been here since Dec 26.
DH has given up on any control. She's 17. 18 in one month. He is ok with this pretty much because they do communications otherwise.
Yea I'm okay with SD14 not
Yea I'm okay with SD14 not coming and I guess DH is too but I just told like the idea of her dictating when she will come when there's a CO schedule in which we make plans around
Yes we had this problem too.
Yes we had this problem too. I solved it by telling DH straight up YSD would no longer stop ME from doing things if she came unscheduled and he didn't say no. I would go on our weekend getaway without him.
While that didn't happen, other plans for HIM did fall through and I just kept on. Today if he has plans he'll tell her no.
Yea, we were at MIL house and
Yea, we were at MIL house and I guess she was showing DH pics that SD sent to her ( SD 14 did not share the same pics with DH ) I guess SD has a boyfriend and DH didn't know. Maybe this will help him see her as a teen and not a small child . But I found it interesting that SD 14 would keep that from DH but I guess she doesn't feel comfortable? I dunno . We are planning our trip on Feb 17th .. get this .. perfect SD manipulation " y'all should come see me play on Feb 10 , i really want to come see y'all and I know family is important so maybe y'all can some see me play " lol !!!!!!!!!!!! Feb 10th is DH weekend to have her and of course she is playing on her side of town but in a city that's maybe an extra hour from her. It's funny how she says family is important and for us to go to her yet she skipped out on her weekend this pasted weekend for birthday parties and she has been skipping out for months ( apart from her games ) I like how to tried to twist is though, BM has done a good job at teaching her. And NO I won't be going anywhere the weekend of Feb 10 , if DH wants to go that's on him.
When my SD would cancel her
When my SD would cancel her weekend with us, we kept to the schedule, so she did not come until her next scheduled weekend. We did not flip them all around to accomodate her.
This way the schedule
This way the schedule maintains a degree of normalcy..not the fly by the seat of everyone's pants.
Right , we have maintained
Right , we have maintained that as well so I'm not sure why she thought now she could change it
Visitations schedules are
Visitations schedules are sacrosanct IMHO. If a visitation is missed, it is gone. It does not get made up. The kid comes on the next scheduled visit or not at all. Because we had a long distance visitation schedule, if the SpermClan declined a visitation it was just status quo for us.
Even as the CP end of our blended family experience, I can appreciate that the NCP tends to get the short end of the stick. I also recognize that all but one advantage is in the CP column. The only advantage in the NCP column is that the NCP does nto have to take any visitation that they do not want to tak. Without penalty other than the loss of that visitation.
If the NCP chooses to forego a visitation, the CP continues to provide care, feeding, oversight, transportation, etc.. as the NCP pays them to do.
Keeping the interface fully compliant with the CO and maintaining the paid services position can remove a whole crap ton of drama from a tense CP/NCP situation.
We had the same problem with
We had the same problem with OSD23. When she turned 14yo she refused to visit. She had bday parties and school events every weekend and holidays that involved visitation. This would follow by BM1 refusing to cooperate for visitation time and helping OSD23 avoid it by pretending she had no idea where she was or couldnt get in contact.
When she turned 15yo, we sent a formal courtesy letter to BM1 asking to follow the court ordered visitation or else we would go to court for enforcement (this is part of the enforcement procedure, you have to show multiple attempt at communication and refusal to produce the child). The letter was met with crickets. After that, we had to document a number of missed visitations over time by going to the pick up location and showing that the child was not there. My husband had a talk with his daughter and she asked him not to go to court for her mother and that she would start visiting but not as much as court ordered because she had her own social life. My husband agreed and she came twice after that, then went radio silent again
My husband decided not to pursue anything because he didnt want to put his then 15yo daughter on the spot and force her to have a relationship/visit if she truly didnt want to. Afterwards, he saw her only a few times randomly and they never really talked on the phone. Prior to all of this, my husband had had many arguments with BM1 about having a bf and wearing full makeup at 13yo and she accused my husband of being a backwards taliban trying to control his daughter.
I believe that BM1 and OSD23 didnt want to have to put up with my husbands strict rules regarding boys and makeup as a preteen. Years later, OSD23 was able to mend her relationship with her and she admitted that BM1 would bribe her with nails and girls weekend specifically at the time of visitation to collude with it
This is our experience. You cannot change anything. If your SD doesnt want to visit, you have to accept it unless you plan on giing to court for contempt and face the child being mad at you for dragging their mother
They will come back eventually if they care about their father.
OSD23 is now an onlyfans content creator and lives alone with her bf...She sometimes talks to her father but infrequently. Surprisingly she is very independent and responsible despite her line of work
This is exactly my SD 14 , DH
This is exactly my SD 14 , DH complained to BM about the heavy make up wearing and expensive brands when she was 12 and of course BM would get defensive Everytime because how dare anyone question poor BM single mother "parenting" , BM also makes plans for SD when it's DH weekend to have SD14. The only reason why DH has not gone to court over this is because SD is the one telling him now she has plans and all that Which is fine. Totally fine , if SD doesn't wanna come on her weekends then fine by my but there are no make ups the next weekend and SD doesn't get to control the schedule is the issue . But only DH can voice and enforce that policy