Vent and Personal Doc. of Current Bullsh!t

Background - SO has SD24 and SD26 with BM1, who moved them out of state at ages 3 and 5 when they divorced. SO paid CS and saw them a few times a year for maybe a week or 2 at a time. SO has SS13 (50/50 custody) and SS19 (lives FT with SO) with BM2, and they divorced maybe 12 years ago. Relevant because BM2 never lived with the SDs and wasn't a hands-on stepmom. The SDs have also said that BM2 physically abused them when they would visit, hitting them with hard objects like TV remotes and force-feeding them until they vomited. Not a "warm" SM/SD relationship.

SO worked nights when we started dating, week on and week off. During his week off he had SS13 and my kid was at dad’s, so I stayed with SO for the week he was off and had both SSs, and stayed at my house when he worked. He switched to days 4ish months ago and the plan was for him to stay at my house the week he doesn’t have SS13. SO finds many excuses not to stay at my house, though, and guilts me into staying at his. One of my kids has moved out (he’s 22), and the other of my kids is days away from 18 and lives with me FT now. Our houses are about a block apart. However, it’s been an issue because I still don’t want to leave my almost 18-year-old alone so much and i don’t think it’s fair for me to have to do all the shuffling.

SD24 is in town for 3 days. SS13’s first night back is supposed to be tomorrow night so SO is supposed to stay here. SD24 came by my house today and said that, even though BM2 filed an ex-parte 2 years ago listing SD24’s drug use and unfitness to be around children as a reason to try and take the kids from SO (BM lost), SD24 still goes and sees BM2 when she visits because BM2 gives SD24 several hundred dollars when she visits BM2 around Christmas or birthday times. BM2 asks SD a lot of questions about her life and SO, but SD24 says she just “plays dumb” to get the money. SD planned to visit BM2 today.

I didn’t plan to say anything to SO, because I don’t want any drama and SD leaves in 2 days. I don’t even want to know if SD went or not. SO called me at 9pm, stating that SS13 wanted to stay at his house tonight to hang out with SD so he can’t stay at my house. Idk how SS got back to SO’s house, since it’s BM’s day and SS gets off the bus and stays at SO’s house in the afternoon but SS19 brought SS13 back to BM at about 6, according to SD24. I’m wondering if SO knows about SD24’s visits to BM2, since he told me he would never be ok with SD hanging out with her. BM2 is best friends with SO’s brother and has used info that could only come from a family member several times in her many court actions against SO. I’m also wondering how long SS13 plans to hang out with SD24 tonight since it’s after 9 and a school night.

This just puts a bad taste in my mouth. I wonder how much SO really knows and is ok with. Are all these “boundaries” he’s put in place just illusions for my benefit? I’ve seen the court documents and i know how BM2 has used info from family against SO. Is he gaslighting me or gaslighting himself? Are all these people stupid or crazy? Am I? This BS makes me feel crazy and like i can’t trust SO or any of his family.

Idk what advice could be given or asked. Just putting this out into the universe since i don't feel i can talk to anyone irl about this. I really did think SO was getting better at boundaries.

Rumplestiltskin's blog
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I'm adding this mostly to try

I'm adding this mostly to try and make sense of it in my mind and in case SO tries to tell me later that things happened differently:

The original plan was -

1) SO worked today until 8:30 pm. It's SD24's birthday today, but since SO is working and SS13 was scheduled to stay at BM2's tonight then start his week at SO's tomorrow, we would take SD24, SO's parents, and the boys to dinner at SD24's favorite restaurant tomorrow night for SD24's birthday. SD24 told us that tonight she would make dinner for us, a soup that is her specialty.

2) At about 6 pm today, SD24 came over and was complaining that SS19 is "mean" to SS13, because he was rushing him through his video game so he could take SS13 back to BM2's house. So SS19 did take SS13 to BM2.

3) At the same time, SD24 said she was planning to visit BM2 sometime this week because of the money thing. SD24 also said she was going to SO's parents' house for dinner tonight. So no soup. No big deal, SD24 is often flaky and says she will do things then doesn't.

4) At 9pm, SO calls me and says SS13 will just stay at his house tonight so he needs to stay there too. He didn't mention how SS13 got back there from BM2's. He asked me to come stay at his house.

5) At 10:30, I called SO and said i would just stay home and I asked if we were still doing SD24's birthday dinner tomorrow. He said "IDK."

So, I'm wondering, was there a big birthday dinner at either BM2's or at SO's parents' house already? SO's family (except his brother who is openly best friends with BM2) all say (according to SO) that they don't hang out with BM2 anymore due to the danger of giving her more info to use against SO in court. There is also the supposed abuse committed by BM2 against the kids (all the kids have reported being beaten or force-fed by BM2 except SS13.) Someone is lying, and idk if SO knows or not.

SO is lying about something. There was no reason for SS13 to

SO is lying about something. There was no reason for SS13 to come back to his house unless something else was going on. I wonder if there was a party that you were not invited to. Hold your boundary with SO spending time at your place. There is no reason you need to do all the schleping back and forth!

It took me a couple tries but

It took me a couple tries but I think I grasp the whole thing. SO is lying about something or he's covering for someone.

Update: SO called me this

Update: SO called me this morning in a bad mood (probably because we missed a day of having sex since i didn't run over to stay at his house when he blew off our plans last minute.) The call was really early and woke me up, i was groggy, and i said something i shouldn't have. I said "I don't know how much you know or how involved BM2 is, but i just want to have a peaceful day today." Yeah, if i wanted peace i shouldn't have said anything.

He is all upset, saying i accused him of lying. I told him i was actually accusing him of witholding information. I told him an explanation or an apology would have gone a long way but he offered neither. When you make plans with someone then break them, that's how you let the other person know that you care about their feelings.

I then told him everything i knew about SD24/BM2/the money and SS having already been brought back to BM2. SO seemed mad at me for bringing it up. I think he just expects me to go along with things and not make waves. I knew that wherever SD24 goes, chaos and drama follow. But how can SO and i function as a team if he witholds info and makes decisions without me?

Have you ever asked him who

Have you ever asked him who exactly he's trying to protect by deliberately omiting information or details?

I haven't, but i would like

I haven't, but i would like to know. My guess would be he is protecting himself. I wonder if he would give me a real answer.

You already answered your own

You already answered your own question.

You aren't supposed to function as a team. You're supposed to shut up and accept this for what it is.

Seriously, what is the appeal here? Two BMs, 4 SKs, "work wives", Instagram "models", drug use for undiagnosed and improperly treated mental health issues, and zero respect for your time, wants, or needs.

He's not rich. You don't have joint anything. You are fine enough without sex. So what is it? What makes this man and dynamic so damn appealing to you that you have to come back here and vent every 2 weeks because his inability to be a functioning adult has caused you steess again?

There are other fish in the sea. This man doesn't love you. He loves the idea of you and what you can provide to him. But there isn't anything he has done to make me believe that you - the person you really are - is who he cares about.

This man doesn't love you. He

This man doesn't love you. He loves the idea of you and what you can provide to him.

Your SO has A LOT going on and you're the life vessel that's supposed to rescue him from drowning (with your nurturing, "shuffling" kids around, cooking, cleaning, and seggsing)

He sure is getting a lot of benefits out of you and I hope this is just as mutually beneficial for you somehow but it doesn't sound like it is

Be careful or he will pull you down into the depths of steph3ll right along with him.

The Instagram models must

The Instagram models must have been someone else's, but, yeah. The rest pretty much describes it. Honestly, i've never left a relationship without some kind of "mortal sin" such as cheating, physical violence, or outright cruelty. Otherwise i feel compelled to keep trying no matter what. It must be some kind of character flaw. I keep thinking things can improve if there's nothing "awful." The truth is, it's the little things that add up. I know i've been doing it wrong. I've wasted a lot of time trying to hammer square pegs into round holes. Once things calm down i start looking on the bright side again and thinking things are finally changing. I recognize my behavior in other posters, too.

As usual, Lt. nailed it.

As usual, Lt. nailed it. Ask yourself this, "Am I better of with him or without him?" If that doesn't work, try listing out the positives and the negatives. There is no reason to stay with someone just because they haven't done a huge negative thing. All of the little things adding up is reason enough to leave. You deserve better.