From Like a Son to IDK What

Yesterday evening i was outside and BM2 drove by my house very slowly. SS20 was in the front seat and they just crept by.

The backstory in short is that SS20 has lived with SO fulltime since before I came along. 7 years ago when i started seeing SO, he and his BM seemed to have no relationship. SO seemed to need a lot of help with him so i sort of took over. SS20 lived at my house on the weeks SO worked nights. I helped with homework, took him to the doctor, and basically took him in. About 4 years later, BM2 filed an ex-parte trying to gain full custody if him and SSnow14. It was based on false accusations and failed, but the judge ordered SO to keep paying CS on both boys and ordered therapy for SS20 and BM2 to mend their relationship.

Since then, SS20 has remained with SO fulltime but has slowly distanced himself from me and has been spending more time with BM2.

Last week, we went on vacation with my family. SO and SS14 came but SS20 declined to go. I asked him to take care of my cat for $200 and he accepted. About 3 days in, i noticed via my cameras that SS20 hadn't been to check on the cat or feed her. I spoke to SO about it and he brushed me off saying "it's just a cat." I got upset and brought up that SS20 has been more and more distant and i think BM2 has something to do with it. SO got really angry and defensive. When we got home, SO bought SS20 a new car. I sort of felt like it was some kind of "makeup" for me questioning or doubting SS20.

So back to last night. BM2 wanting to be at SO's house frequently and finding excuses to come by has been a sticking point in our relationship. Apparently BM2 wanted to go out to dinner and SS20 "didn't feel like driving" so he asked BM2 to pick him up at SO's house. SS20 has been driving for almost 5 years and has not had or needed her to pick him up there since, and literally just got a brand new car. I feel like her slow-driving by my house was her way of parading him in front of me like a trophy. She didn't have to drive by my house but she chose that route to fk with me. As usual SO has nothing to say and I'm being irrational.

I'm trying like hell to not let this sh!t bother me, but here I am typing it out. I am feeling like ny whole relationship with SS20 and all the time and energy i spent on him for years was part of some toxic game. Idk. I'm tired.

Rumplestiltskin's blog
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I feel like it's the ol'

I feel like it's the ol' loyalty bind again. SS20 wants to have his mother in his life. He wants her to be a mother he can depend on, love, and be proud of. If there's any glimmer of hope for that, a kid will cling to it.

LI and her brother's relationship with their mother is complicated. She's.... unstable, selfish, and a user. Over the years I've seen both of them want very much and try very hard to have a normal relationship with her but it's impossible because of who she is. They'll be close for a while, then she'll do something selfish or just be off putting or she'll get mad at them for something. It's mercurial.

I posted a year ago about LI and The Skunk Ape getting close (and while they still are closer than they used to be, it's all very up and down). This past Christmas she made a comment about her mother being a "narcissist" and how she has to just ignore her sometimes.

All this to say, if SS20 is sane and BM is nutty, I wouldnt expect their newfound closeness to last.

Still I imagine it's very hurtful seeing as how you put so much of your time and effort into helping raise SS20 only for him tot urn around and go running to the woman who wasn't really there for him. It's like you did all the hardworking turning him into a decent person and she's getting the credit. But there are many stories on here of just this happening and if SS20 is a decent kid and you stay the rock in his life, he will come back around. I've always said the mid teens to early 20's are the worst years for stepparents.

Now SS20 not feeding the cat would have me livid. You even paid him a very nice amount of money to do it and no he's not "just a cat". He needs to be fed and have clean water. SS was wrong to do that, DH was wrong to say that and you are right to be hurt about it. I would be raising holy hell if my cat wasn't being attended to and I could see it on vacation.

And then to buy SS a brand new car??? I don't think any kid/young adult should ever have a brand new car bought for them. A used car maybe if it's a junker but if you want nice cars, you need to work to save up or make the payments yourself. Those are privileges for full-fledged adults and these kids haven't earned them.

Thankfully the cat is ok! She

Thankfully the cat is ok! She's a tough little girl. My son came home a day earlier than the rest of us and sent me a photo of her and it made me feel better.

But yes, the loyalty bind. I never meant to try and take the place of BM or compete with her. He appeared to have no relationship with her when i came into the picture. He seemed to need so much and i was happy to provide it. It's like he feels he can't have a relationship with both of is at the same time. Classic loyalty bind, i guess. And like a lot of neglectful BMs we read about here, she didn't want to take care of him but she didn't want another woman doing it or getting credit for it, either. I have never once talked bad about her in front of him, even during the ex-parte nonsense, but i've heard from him and others that she shites all over me to him and SS14, and to SO's entire family. She's been trying to turn them against me from the start. I used to think it was because she wanted SO back but maybe it's been about SS14 the whole time. Or maybe she just can't let go of any of them (SO, his parents, his siblings/cousins that she is still BFFs with, etc.) though she's been married for the past 8 years to another guy. The whole thing is just toxic and always has been.

She's a hateful nasty woman

She's a hateful nasty woman who wants her cake and eat it too. Doesn't want to take care of her kids but wants the world to think she's a great mother. Doesn't want her ex husband back but also doesn't want another woman in his life. Divorces your SO but still wants to be the main act with the in-laws. Entitled. Those types of people drive me nuts. They make choices but want all the benefits without the drawbacks that come from the choices they make.

I don't always belive in keeping silent for the sake of the kids. I guess I subscribe to Rag's "rub their nose in it" philosophy. If someone is actively being a C U Next Tuesday, and it's affecting my life I'll call them out to other people.

For example you might say to the in-laws or SSs:

"It's nice that BM is finally taking an interest in her own children. I remember so many years ago when I was doing x y and z for them and she was nowhere to be found. Running the town with so and so. Honestly, it was A LOT of stress and hard work and turmoil to go through. Could've really used her help back then"

Or I might say to SO:

"You know, BM has been hanging around your family like smell that won't go away and honestly I don't really understand it. She has a new husband. She certainly hasn't been very agreeable to you (or me for that matter). I don't know why your family would entertain any relationship with her but it doesn't make me feel comfortable. Imagine if my ex chumming it up with my family how you'd feel. The normal thing is for people to go their separate ways when they divorce, not cling to ex's family like a STD"

It's not being mean or petty it's stating the truth. And the truth can be stated in a respectful and factual way to the kids when it comes up. You WERE there for them and helped them and their dad with x y z in school and BM was not around.

She is selfish and her selfishness if going to burn her children over and over each time they get too close to her. Unfortunately they will have to learn that for themselves.

Maybe you're right. SS20 is

Maybe you're right. SS20 is turning 21 in a month. Maybe it's time to take the kid gloves off. Not in a mean way but with facts. He's too old to be considered "just a child" in all this, and if whatever he's going through is leading him to bring BM to his house rather than having his newfound relationship with her at her house or anywhere but SO's house, maybe he should take the next step toward independence and move out on his own.

She sounds just like BM here.

She sounds just like BM here. I've said to SO countless times... my relationship with SS21 is because of BM. We dont speak and I just go after SO for everything.

Agree With Almost...

That loyalty bind. The book, StepMonster addresses this issue in one chapter. Very scientific writing but I was determined to read it and try to understand it. And while I get it in my "head," my heart feels different.

Like you, I invested deeply into DHs two youngest kids (and some investment into the adult kids). Never wanted nor acted like I wanted to take the "mom" role in their life...just a second voice of help and reason, so to speak. DHs kids sucked every bit of that goodness out of me and then literally threw me to the curb. I learned my lesson. There are times I regret the massive goodness I sent to those individuals but at the end of the day, I did the RIGHT thing; they didn't. And while I know the BM was a major influence, they are all adults now and KNOW the truth.

After 6 years of no-contact with DHs kids, I loosened boundaries last year and saw two of them. Superficial conversations while civil and nice but nothing deep. I don't reach out to them. When they come to visit, I have a few pleasantries with them, offer coffee/water and after a few minutes, excuse myself to do other things. We are more of acquaintances than family; I'm okay with that.

I'm sorry what your SS has done to you. It's not right. I'd suggest to begin some disengaging, stop any/all "helpful" behaviors towards him and treat him like the cashier scanning your groceries. Civil and superficial. Know that your feelings are warranted and you are innocent in this mess. Maybe even considering not even speaking about him to your DH. Nada. And when your DH brings up SS20, quickly remove yourself from the conversation or as I tell my DH, no need for me to know any of that. Bam.

Best to you. Sending you a virtual hug.

I know you've been through

I know you've been through the ringer with yours. I really thought (stupidly) that SS20 is different. But this having BM pick him up is a NEW behavior. He has known for years now that she isn't to come to the house unless she is picking up SS14 or there is some kind of emergency, and then she needs to notify SO that she's coming. BM2 was reminded of this just a few months ago. I feel like it's just a big fk-you from both of them.

I mean not taking care of a cat

After he said he would. And then getting a new car . Something wrong with your SO. MAJOR wrong. If SS didn't want to take care of the cat he should of said no. Shows dysfunctional family behavior. With DH being part of the dysfunction.

Rumple, did you ask for the

Rumple, did you ask for the return of your $200.00? You paid that jerk, handsomely, to take care of your cat and he did nothing! As a pet lover, I'd be enraged at his negligence!

The fact that you paid $200

The fact that you paid $200 for cat care and your man just brushed it off ? Let that be your stupid tax and not make that mistake again. I'm of the mind set that once someone is 18 and a legal adult, truth reigns. That means I don't have to walk gingerly around topics. He's 20. He can be put on notice that playing mommy's games will not bode well for his future. No quality life partner wants a male like that.

As for you, I'm sorry you had to deal again with them letting you down. Its getting old isn't it?

It is getting old dealing

It is getting old dealing with SO/his family/BM/the SD saga, but this crap with SS is new. He seemed different. He has always seemed to be a logical person and always polite. We really did have a bond. But i'm seeing a passive-aggressive side of him, and a secretive and sneaky side. She GOT to him. I guess nobody is "different" and the pull of the BM is too strong.

The fact that you paid $200

As for you, I'm sorry you had to deal again with them letting you down. Its getting old isn't it?

Rumple - You deserve so much better from SO and SS.

Rumple - You deserve so much better from SO and SS. Please don't disregard the fact that your SO thought it was perfectly fine for SS to commit to taking care of your cat and then not doing it. He thought it was ok for your cat to go without food and water for a period of time. And then he had the nerve to tell you that you are over reacting. That is just wrong.

And you are absolutely reading BM correctly. She totally drove by to make sure that you saw SS with her. You don't need the drama all of these people are bringing into your life.

I had a "talk" with SO this

I had a "talk" with SO this morning and he actually showed some self-awareness, talking about the long history of dysfunction in his family and how he wants to break the cycle. I won't hold my breath but this is at least some progress after years of denial and gaslighting. I'm not giving up my house or my rights (via marriage) any time soon. After all, SD25 is also still out there, pregnant and couch surfing. When she finally admits she needs help it will be another shitshow involving the other BM, who is more reasonable than this one but still in a dysfunctional mess.

Oh, SO made all kinds of

Oh, SO made all kinds of excuses about the cat. SS had a cold, he had work, he had to go see his girlfriend. He must have been totally incapacitated by the cold but only went to gf's house so she could care for him, and how dare i question his perfect child when he, SO, wishes for nothing more than to be home taking care of his baby boy (I think this is a DARVO example as SO would have been at the pool hall had he been home.) I'm honestly most hurt by SS20's behavior. This is very much a new attitude from him and after 7 years, it hurts bad.

"OK, SO, so I have

"OK, SO, so I have completely understood that your son is completely unreliable. I won't ask him to assume adult responsibilities again. It's clearly beyond him."

The HCGUBM

Always wins in the end. Knowing what I know now I would 1. never get involved with a guy that has previously

2. Would tell anybody who is attempting this maneuver to not even try to be a mother to somebody else's children

When I see new posters

When I see new posters talking about "our" kids and sounding so excited to do parenting things i can't help but think "Oh you sweet summer child." Idk, maybe it can work for some, but everyone thinks their situation is "different."

I know you invested a lot

I know you invested a lot more in your SS than I did mine; this has got to hurt. But I get the general gist of it. SS and I got along very well at the beginning. I was actually a little worried about how quickly he seemed to get attached to me (thinking of his mother's feelings). But within a few years, I began seeing him "bouncing" back and forth regarding loyalties. He would sometimes disparage his mother at our home (we didn't encourage or engage). Then there were other times/years when he was really cold toward us. Or would leave our house and go home and put a "mommy and me" profile pic up on Facebook, which was a clear and odd message (he was an adult at this time).

Oddly enough, the older SS got, the worse he grew with us until being around him became unbearable for me. My way of "dealing" with it was to finally give up, throw my hands in the air, and totally disengage from him. I'm really happy I did. Hugs.

PS -- I'm with the others: I'd be beyond enraged if someone said they'd take care of my pet and then didnt. That is a full-blown betrayal rewarded by your DH :(

I now view getting attached

I now view getting attached too quickly as a red flag that they don't have healthy attachment to their own parents.

You should have pulled out your phone and photographed them.

Then sent it to daddy as a goodbye message. Move on, what about this guy could possibly make you tolerate his notable career as a failed breeder, failed parent, and failed mate?

You owe yourself far more than to tolerate his shit life and to continue to sacrifice yourself on the altar of martyrdom to this failed POS and his baggage.

Take care of you.

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From Like a Son to IDK What

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