Need advice.
Guys.. what to do...
SD16 met BM for breakfast this morning... and what did she do.. go on about how she regrets leaving SO.. this is now turning into every time (basically two years now) she sees SD, SS18 doesn't talk to her and who knows about SS20.
We were at SOs great nieces bday party.. (SOs nephew is only two years younger then me) SD met us there for 15 minutes and instantly tells me.
I don't know know what to do. I don't want to tell SD16 to NOT tell me. But I told SO I'm getting reallyyyy close to messaging BMs husband on the book. Which won't do anyone any good but this shit needs to stop.
SOs sister in law and most of his family said do it haha. I said to SO I am TIRED of constantly hearing about BMs regrets and this and that every blue moon she sees her kids. IT IS SOOO OLD. She just craves attention.
She WANTS the kids to tell SO.. she WANTS SO to message her... she WANTS us to fail (been together 8 years they have been divorced 12) she WANTS her back burner back... that's all he ever was...
SO says how she would love for us to get into with her.. I completely agree. When does it fucking end though...
I said do you get it?? Imagine having to listen to about how much someone "misses me" all the time.
The kids are getting older and it's getting more annoying! She isn't giving up!! She's married FFS!! Hasn't done anything for her kids in 10+ years!!
I've been sitting back for a few years now but what do we do? Just let it go on... I'm at a loss with this stuff.
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Ugh. Don't engage, BM will
Ugh. Don't engage, BM will love that knowing she "got to you" as planned.
SD is old enough for your DH to have a conversation with her about what is appropriate to share with her father's side of the family, including you. This is a good lesson opportunity, in my opinion. Has he ever tried?
He has.. SD is 16 going on 30
He has.. SD is 16 going on 30 and she knows it's BS but I think a deeper conversation needs to be had IMO.
BM is becoming more and more "aggressive" about her angle of she regrets leaving SO, if she could turn back time etc. She can NOT have a convo without bringing SO into it.
It's a catch 22. If you or
It's a catch 22. If you or SO say anything, she is getting a reaction out of you, which is probably what she wants. If you don't, then she'll keep doing it. Would SD be comfortable with telling her mom to knock it off, that she doesn't want to hear it? If BM knew it bothered SD, would she stop? She doesn't need to be talking to her minor child about this anyway. She needs to be talking to a friend or a therapist, who can then tell her to shut up.
Just keep reminding yourself
Just keep reminding yourself that she has to be pretty pathetic and have a very sad and unsatisfying life if she keeps harping on about the past and her regrets. She had her chance. It would be kind of nice if SD (without prompting) told her mother what a pitiful apology for a woman she is...
I'll add too... the reason
I'll add too... the reason they divorced was BM cheated, they got divorced, she was in between boyfriends, SO took her back and she left again. It wasn't going to work anyways but...
Another fun story...
SO also let BM stay in the house (the 2nd time) while she was seeing her boyfriend from CA ALSO for a 2nd time...we are in CT. LOL.. yeah. This guy moved from CA here, they broke up, she moved back in with SO, that last a few months, she moved out again, she convinced the guy from CA to come BACK and naturally that didn't work. SO let this guy leave a storage unit in his driveway LOLL. I don't know what SO was thinking.. that's how much of a peace keeper he was before me. SO says the guy was nice though... stupid but nice... IMO no different then SO.
BM also left her current husband (before they were married) moved in with another guy for two weeks, she brought the kids around him while she was still living with her husband, moved out for two weeks, this guy took the kids and his kids on a small vacation (upstate NY) then she went back to her husband.... We knew that wasn't going to work because he had kids...
This is who she is...
What if you said to SD next
What if you said to SD next time she brings it up, "Wow, that's really pathetic. A failure as a mom and as a wife." Do you think that would shut down SD telling you guys about it? BM can say what she wants but to me, it's the way it's impacting YOUR life that's the problem. It sounds like BM is personality-disordered. You can never change that, and engaging with a personality disordered person is what they want. The worst thing you can do to that kind of person is ignore them and make them feel insignificant. That's why they start drama, to feel important, since deep down their biggest fear is that they aren't "special."
I talked to SD.. she brought
I talked to SD.. she brought it up first. SD and I are close and I've had multiple convos with her about BM but this is getting out of control. SD brought up BM bringing up SOs friend and he's an "asshole." BM brought up one of SOs SILs said she's a bitch. I was like wtf... Now she's dragging SOs friends and family..
We talked for about 30/40 minutes (we were the only ones home) and I just explained to her how inappropriate it all is.. I told her I really don't understand her constant stuff about regretting SO etc. I gave SD some example of past things she was unaware about too. Small things BM did but either way needed to be explained for the bigger picture. SD says she always says something about us.
Long story short I explained how BM makes them feel guilty about everything (SD is over this and we have already talked about this many times) We go on vacation she's "jealous." We do anything oh your dad has "more money." And has missk. Too much to write but BM and her husband are fine... Her husband has money.
SD left for work and SO called me on break... I told him about our convo etc and I think he needs to have a convo with all 3 of them together. He thinks BM is spiraling because now nothing is working for her. We will see..
The biggest thing I preach though is to never feel guilty and feel like it was their job to create the relationship with BM. That was on her as a parent.
I don't think SO should talk
I don't think SO should talk to BM about it. IMO, it's not his place to tell BM what kind of conversations she should have with her kids. And if he talks to BM about it, she'll know that it bothers you. SO should speak to SD and ask her to not share the things BM says about OP and SO.
We aren't going to say
We aren't going to say anything as much as we would love too. You are not fully aware of my situation. BM has basically no part in her kids life for years now. So it kind of is our buisness to a degree if she's trying to alienate (kind of) skids from us and doing thing to harm their mental health. Considering all her conversations with her kids are about us.
I see what you're saying. And
I see what you're saying. And I totally get the need to protect the kids from inappropriate communication. It's just that it doesn't sound like BM would cooperate with any boundary you and/or SO set. It's great to hear that you have a good relationship with your SD .
yeah, no thank you
I definitely would shut down those conversations. Not fun at all!
I'm pretty sure SD is almost
I'm pretty sure SD is almost there. We think logically so we just don't understand why this is coming such a heavy subject for her to use now. It's every time she talks to SD she brings it up. Hence why SO thinks she's spriling like her BM did at this age.
BMs games are really just not working anymore (and the haven't in a long time) but she's starting to feel the consequences now..
"The challenge is, can the
"The challenge is, can the kid keep the pathetic parent in their place and engage in their own best life."
This is where SS20 fails. He has BMs brain. Both SD and SS18 have pointed this out. SD brought it up today too. He feeds off of her even though he rarely sees her.. We really don't know the capacity of what she's told them. SS20 has admitted that she "fs with his head" to SO.. but he doesn't try to get past it.. if that makes sense. She baby talks all of them and it works on him. He is also behind with emotional maturity but.. he will struggle his whole life with all types of relationships because of BM and just like BM.