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A vent… SS and the dog

Hastings's picture

About three months ago, DH and I adopted a dachshund from a local rescue. He's an adorable, sweet, gentle (and admittedly overweight) little guy. SS12 adores him. Dog is mostly indifferent unless SS is eating. His previous owner was female (she died), so he latched on to me pretty fast.

It's driving me nuts. Dogs generally don't like being hugged and don't like being bothered while eating. What does SS do? Constantly hugs him and curls his body around him. Pets him and gets down in his face while Dog is eating. Dog is incredibly sweet, so he doesn't growl or snap, but his body language shows obvious discomfort.

I've pointed this out to DH. We've both said something to SS. Never mean. Just pointing out that it's good he loves Dog, but dogs don't really like that kind of affection and this is a better way to show you love him. SS either stares blankly or gets weepy. An hour later, he's doing it again.

The dog will wiggle away from him or avoid him, which is good. DH and I have told him and reminded him. Dog pulls away when he can. Yet SS just keeps doing it.

We have another dog and BM has four, so he's used to being around dogs. I doubt this dog would ever snap but if he does the same with BM's dogs, one of them may eventually respond in a memorable way.

Ignoring the wants/needs/boundaries of others is, unfortunately, not new...

Comments

MissK03's picture

At 12 he should know better. When one of the dogs snaps he  will learn. My lab is a weirdo with touching so I get this.. Loves to be pet but if he's laying down or anything... only on his terms to cuddle. And he hates feet haha. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Say "NO" and swat him with a rolled up newspaper every time he does it.

Kidding. But, i bet he would stop. 

Hastings's picture

Ha! I've also considered having DH and I rubbing his hair and getting in his face when he eats to show him how annoying that is. I really get sick of the "I don't care how it affects other people as long as I get what I want" attitude.

notarelative's picture

Putting your face near an eating dog is incredibly dangerous. Eventually even the most even tempered, gentle, docile dog is going to snap. The risk of a facial bite is large. SS needs consequences when he does this.

SteppedOut's picture

This could be a problem if BM is a mean B and tries to "sue" or require the dog be removed from the home, etc.

OP if I was in your place, I would make a big stink about this to your HUSBAND. HE needs to be the one to really make SS stop. 

At the age of 12 for him to get "weepy" when told not to mess with the dog is ....rediculous? Gross?

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

asking BM to on her time help remind SS it is not good to do these behaviors and why. Only reason I say this is because then you have in writing that you notified BM that SS is doing this and she can't say she didn't know or blah blah blah

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

for someone to get the message regardless of being told/taught otherwise. My cousin just a few years ago was around your SS's age and he jumped on our uncle's rottweiler while it was sleeping and on the side he has a bad eye. Guess what? The dog snapped and bit him and he needed stitches. My aunt was mad at our uncle and his dog, but I can't blame the dog or the owner because my cousin has been told MANY times not to do that. Plus it isn't his dog and he is used to his dog that is a Morkie, so much smaller of a dog. 

Guess what? My cousin no longer jumps on the dog or any dog anymore. Sucks it had to take stitches to his face for him to learn that, but he apparently did not learn from being told as much as he was.

CajunMom's picture

Your SS is acting very foolish and the sad thing is....when something does happen, the dog will be blamed and not your SS even though he WILL be the guilty party.

I've owned Doxies.....have a grand Doxie....and I volunteer in dog rescue. (Also two dogs at home). You NEVER put your face near a dog when they are eating.That is just asking to get bit. And if the dog is not a hugger, then hugging him puts him into stress mode. Just like humans, even nice dogs have their limits. Your SS is pushing his luck...actually the poor dog's luck.

You and your DH need to have the "tough love" talk with the kid. If your dog bites him, you could loose your dog. At best, the bite will be reported, the dog will have a "record" and any other incident, you could be forced to put the dog down. Not to mention the physical wounds your SS could have, even needing plastic surgery. How would he like his face destroyed??? Your SS NEEDS to KNOW THIS. And he NEEDS to stop. If the SS can't follow the rules with the dog, make consequences, like loosing gaming or phone priviliges for a certain time. But whatever you do, it needs to be forceful enough for your SS to get that you are not playing around with this issue.

Way too many dogs have "records" or have had to die because of idiot humans. SMH

Merry's picture

I love Doxies. But I wouldn't push one past its boundaries. Your SS must STOP putting himself and the dog in danger. And I'd institgate swift and serious consequences whenever he gets too close to the dog.

Hastings's picture

Agreed to all of this. I don't want anything bad to happen. It would be SS's fault, but who knows how BM would react. Time for another talk with DH.
 

And, seriously, this kid gets tears in his eyes (if not outright crying) at the slightest correction. He cannot handle being wrong or being told no. Probably because he rarely hears it.

Crspyew's picture

As others have said even the sweetest of dogs will bite, particularly if someone is interfering with their eating.  If the dog bites him and SS needs stitches or medical care that bite will be reported to authorities. There can also be long lasting damage to your SS, both physical and emotional.  I was out walking on a spring evening two years ago and stopped to speak with a neighbor.  Her grandson and his ill behaved dog were with her.  The grandson let loose of the dog's lead and before grandma or I could react the dog jumped up and bite off most of my lower lip.  Unprovoked.  I have had to have multiple plastic/repair surgeries.  My lip is still numb and I can't do things like use a straw very well.  When I got to the ER the medical personnel were amazed at an adult in this situation. The preponderance of dog bites happen to kids.  The ER staff called and reported the bite and law enforcement showed up to take a report.  That was fun because I was covered in blood and couldn't really form any words.  Animal control was dispatched that night.  In order to keep the dog the owners had to agree to take the dog to a professional trainer & are required to use a specific type of restraint, no flexible leads.  If there is another incident the dog will be put down.  And they had to pay all my medical bills plus lost work time.  We are at abt $85K right now.  I can't imagine what happened to their homeowners insurance. It took me 18 months to feel comfortable enough to walk my neighborhood because there are so many dogs.  I am a dog lover, I have a dog.  But if a dog approaches me know I can feel my anxiety rising and I make sure I have my finger on the trigger of the bear spray I walk with now.  Please take this seriously don't let SS torment this dog any longer.

Hastings's picture

I'm so sorry that happened to you! How awful!

SS seems to genuinely think he's being kind and affectionate with the dog. But, as usual, he's not listening to other people explaining that his way of showing affection is detrimental.

Rags's picture

On a similar note,  my parent's Bichon was mauled by a PitBull that was being walked by a 12yo little girl ... alone. The Bichon (Rambo .. .my nephew wanted a big dog and chose the name to make a point) would "go on patrol" on top of my dad's pick up truck bed cover. The Pitty jumped up, grabbed Rambo's head, dragged him off of the top of the truck, and started shaking him like a toy.  Dad had to intervene. They thought Rambo was done for.  He did lose an eye.

Animal Control investigated, advised the Pit owner to pay everything and notified the Pit owner that another incident and the Pit would be put down.  When the Animal Control Officer was at the Pit owners home the 12yo was on the floor with her head on the Pit's neck begging the ACO to not take and kill her dog. Less than a year later, the Pit killed a dog in the neighborhood again while being walked by the 12yo little girl ... .alone.  

ACO checked in with my parents as a follow up and told my dad that the Pit had a history of aggression and had been in the shelter for a very long time before the 12yo little girl's family adopted it.

The owner (12yo's father)  got shitty with my dad over several $thousand bill and refused to pay for it until the ACO visited the Pit's home.

No doubt the 2nd attack resulting in the dog fatality cost the owner a bunch more.  

The AOC told dad that she was extremely concerned that the little girl was laying on the Pit with her face right next to the Pits jaws.

I blame shit owners for this kind of crap. Sadly, it is rare that the shit owner is the one who gets mauled and it is more sad that the dog is the one with their life on the line for the shit owner's failures.

Take care of you.

Give rose

AlmostGone834's picture

What a heartbreaking story. I have always had basset hounds (the gentlest, sweetest dogs) and I am too scared to walk my current one around town for fear of someone's violent pit bull  mauling him. I've heard so many stories where it happened and a basset would have no chance of defending himself. 

daisydiamond82's picture

Well this reminds me of when SD10 (I believe she was 8, at the time) got bit by a dog my SIL was fostering. We had gone to visit SIL for the weekend and she had just gotten this dog to foster until she could find a good home for him. SD has like 3 dogs at her mom's house and one of them is even the same breed as this dog (a pitbull). SD has been around dogs her entire life and her pitbull is pretty territorial so she knows not to you know, get up in her face. Welp, you'd think that would carry over to this dog too. We were all relaxing, getting ready for bed, and I looked over at SD and she's about 2 inches from this dog's face and he up and bit her. I was just opening my mouth to say something, too but the dog beat me to it. I did not feel bad for SD, who then scream-cried while her dad consoled her. I felt bad for the dog, who was just telling her to back the heck off. DH and I both waited for her to calm down and then we told her it was her fault. She shouldn't have gotten in the face of that dog. It was a whole thing. She was lucky she walked away with a small bite mark on her lip because that dog could have ripped her lips off if he wanted to. 

Anyway... I think you're probably right and the new doggie probably won't hurt SS. And if he does, man have you warned him about it. A friend of mine had a little dachshund when I was in college and she was the best dog in the world. She later had to have dog physical therapy because of a slipped disc in her back. Poor thing. I hope the new dog works out!

Rags's picture

It can work.

OP should give it a try.  Douse SS in the face with a SuperSoaker every time he fails to leave the dog the hell alone.  Just like when house training a pet.

Diablo

Crspyew's picture

Advice ever

thinkthrice's picture

The help of BM.  Would most likely backfire.   BM would probably try to make you get rid of the dog if you implied a dangerous situation.

I like the squirting idea but the BM would probably get up on her hind legs on that one (pun intended).

I believe there are animal care vids on youtube "what dogs/cats hate" etc.  Unless SS is some sort of animal torturer like Chef's DD.

Rags's picture

and find a quality life partner.

As for BMs cry fest about how unfair it is that her X and his new partner are successful and she is a POS failure in life.... time for Skittles.

My SS came home from a SpermLand visitation upset that my DW forced the Sperm Clan to pay CS to support him and his three  younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas were starving and did not have the nice things SS had because of SS's evil bio-mommy.

We bought a shit ton of Skittles, made a pile of 133 Skittles on one end of the table.  SS was impressed with the huge pile of  Skittles that represented the $133/mo the SpermClan was COd to pay in CS. So, he remained upset that his mommy was mean.

Then....on the other half of the table we built a pile of 1000 Skittles (house payment, property taxes, homeowners insurance, etc...), 500 Skittles (monthly grocery bill), 800 Skittles (vehicle costs), 250 Skittles (Power, water, garbage, etc...), 100 Skittles (SS's clothing, toys, etc...), $100 Skittles (SS doctor copays, Rx costs, etc....), $300 Skittles (School taxes for SS to go to school), $250 Skittles (Music lessons, sports teams, trumpet, sports gear, etc....), and finally 150 Skittles (SS related entertainment costs, restaurant food for SS, etc....). The last thing we did was a small pile of Skittles that represented the cost of just buying diapers for SS when he was a baby.  We then divided eacy pile by 3 to break out the Skittles costs of supporting SS each month.

SS counted our every Skittle as we talked and the piles were built the categorized to reprisent his total support costs. Hey, a learning moment opportuntiy.

Then we had him push all of the Skittle piles into one big one, except for the his portion.  There was a giant pile and a pretty big pile that represented what it cost for him to live each month in our home, our neighborhood, go to good schools, etc, etc, etc..... Then there was the CS pile (133 Skittles). 

Then we had him drop the CS Skittles, one by one onto the pile that represented  his related costs. We asked if he saw any difference in that pile before and after he added the CS Skittles.

Nope. 

Then we asked if it made sense that the CS that the law required his SpermClan to pay for his support would cause his three younger half sibs to not have any Skittles, or nice clothes, or food, or, or, or, or, or, or.

That was when he first gained some level of clarity that they were full of shit. He was less than 10yoi when we did the Skittles bullshit detector exercise. All Skittles numbers are estimates due to the intervening decades since the event.

We did have to have age modified examples a couple of more times over the years as they plied their lies and manipulations to try to make SS feel bad that he had nice things and a nice life and his half sibs did not. The last one..... Was just after he aged out from under the CO and asked us to stop billing the SpermClan with added late payment and penailties for  the $10k they owed us for their half of medical costs for SS during the 16+ years the CO was in effect. This was for Med services not covered by insurance and was clearly stipulated in the CO that they owed half of those costs.

So, final SpermClan lies lesson for SS who had just aged out from under the CO.

Raising a child takes patience, understanding — and about $245,340, based on the latest estimates from the U.S. Department of Agriculture. That's the average cost to care for a child from birth to age 18 for a middle-income family, as calculated by the USDA in a recent report on family expenditures.

https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2014/08/18/how-much-will-it-cost-raise-c...

We reviewed these facts with him, pointed out that at our income levels it cost far more than that to raise him. Then I asked him if I should go buy a quarter million Skittles so we could re-do the Skittles lesson so he could answer his own question about is letting them off of the hook for their skeevey shit.  Of courdse I used appropriate wording. And always have in discussion with my son regarding the SpermClan (who I refer to as The (Lastnames).

SS laughed, grimmaced, and said .... NO DAD! I get it. I hate Skittles.

I wonder why he hates skittles?

Unknw

After the guilt trips, lies, manipulations, attempts to get him to repay the CS to the SpermClan after he joined the USAF, and all of the SpermClan crap, I wonder why he does not care for them any more than he does Skittles.

Unknw

Kids need the facts. To be able to understand and protect themselves from the toxic side of their family. If they are so unfortunate to have a toxic family side to deal with.

 

ndc's picture

SS needs consequences.  Not a "talk" or scolding from DH - that clearly isn't working.  Send him to his room, take his electronics, make him do chores - whatever his currency is. This is serious disobedience that could result in loss of your dog.  Discipline this kid already! (Not you, your husband)

Hastings's picture

Agreed. Part of the problem is DH hasn't found his currency. Early bedtime. Taking electronics. Chores. Nothing phases him so far. I suspect it's partly because he knows it's just a few days to put up with it and then he's back with BM with no rules.

Olivia2020's picture

wil snap because almost everything/everyone is bigger than them. I've had dachshunds for 17 years, my last one crossed the bridge almost 2 years ago. Suzie looked like a little golden retriever, such a diva. 

This doxie boy has been through enough with the human mom dying. The 12 yo boy needs to be OUT of the room while the dog eats or drinks. It's true that the human needs to be trained more than the dog sometimes. Kids pick up weenie dogs becuase they think they are cute like little toys, not knowing that their spine/back is fragile. Learn about IVDD in dachshunds, the extensive and painful recovery and the cost $10K+. When my son was about 12, he would pick up our male, Scout, and whip him around to cradle him. I about took that boys head off more than a few times. 

An adult should always walk the doxie so he can get some weight off. It's typical for older adults to feed doxies the table scraps.

Maybe show your boy pictures of faces that haven been bitten by dogs....color pictures. Those scars on the face don't just go away, they need plastic surgery to smooth out. Well, the color pictures worked when I showed my 12 yr old son pictures of STD's! haha! 

This doxie boy is lucky to have you and another doggo friend in the home. Doxies are sensitive to loud noises too and usually don't do well around kids. I hope everything works out well, if not, pm me. I'm buying a one-story home this month just so I can start a small pack of doxies again, lol!

Hastings's picture

Thank you! I grew up with a dachshund and DH had one as his first "adult" dog, so we both have some experience. My childhood Doxie ended up with back problems, so I'm hyper-sensitive to that. SS started to cradle our little guy and I got onto him pretty hard.

We do a daily walk and the weight is coming off. At first, DH would tell SS "you can walk him if you want" but that stopped. The little guy is a puller (we use a harness to protect his throat and are working on manners). After two occasions of the dog pulling out of SS's grasp, I'm the regular handler. Luckily, both times, doggum ran straight to me instead of down the street.

ESMOD's picture

The kid is 12.. not 2.  He is old enough to listen and accept corrections.. if he refuses to listen.. he will repeatedly have the dog removed from his presence.. or vice versa.

A few things I  might start would be.. 

1.  Feed the dog where the boy isn't likely to be.. laundry room.. etc..?  

2.  If the boy approaches dog while he is being fed.  A reminder.. "please leave dog alone while it eats".. if there needs to be a 2nd reminder?  you send the boy to his room.. out of the room.  and if he doesn't leave.. you take dog and food to another place with you.. even a locked bathroom.. lol (with dog's dinner)..  it will be stopped.. 

3. And.. since the boy has been incapable of listening to requests to moderate behavior.. tell him it will be much simpler.  This dog is off limits to him.. he may not interract or play with the dog.. unless the dog approaches him.. then he may pet him but he may not lay down with him.. may not snuggle him.. must not pick him up.  period.  

and.. yes.. it requires your DH to be a parent

Winterglow's picture

Have you tried simply roaring at him the next time he's annoying the dog "get away from my dog, NOW!" A short, sharp, verbal shock seeing as he's only used to being "talked to". Dammit, scare the shit out of him so that he doesn't forget it.

ESMOD's picture

I'm sure a lot of it is the kid's immature response to being corrected.. crying etc..   So.. of course everyone is trying to be so "...oooo...ss.. please don't do that MkAY???? puppy needs space.. I know you love dogs.. you are such a good dog lover".. 

But all the soft language around the correction is making it less effective.. because.. duh.. the kid still does it.

I think a more no nonsense approach is needed.. maybe it isn't a yell.. or loud way.. but certainly a clear.

SS.. stop that. you know you are not allowed to play with the dog while it eats.

SS.  I You have been warned to not pick the dog up .. put it down. 

SS... stop shoving your face in front of the dog.. leave him alone now.

If he starts his crying.. 

I would just say.. "SS, I'm sorry you are upset but you have been told the same things numerous times.. you can go to your room if you are too upset to be around us".

Hastings's picture

Agreed. I don't coddle him. DH does the "ok?" or "how does that sound?" almost without thinking and it drives me nuts. He's not actually intending to ask SS's approval, but it sounds that way, which is why I never say "ok" with kids in that context. BM is even worse. But, yeah, kid isn't used to correction and even the mildest "no" or "don't do that" upsets him.

Whatever. I don't particularly care, so I'm more direct when I tell him to do or not do something. I do get sick of being the main one to notice things so sometimes I'll point it out to DH and let him deal. But I'm taking lead on the dog.