Physical lashing out, grades, lying, ad nauseum
I blogged over a month ago about SS14 getting suspended for fighting. (He didn't start it, but he escalated it.) I agree with what people have said about defending against bullying, etc., and I agree. But it doesn't sound like that's what was happening.
Yesterday, he got in-school suspension for "horseplay." DH asked him about it. A kid tripped and knocked into SS, and SS responded by shoving him so hard he fell down. SS confirmed that, yes, the kid bumped him by accident.
DH: Then why did you shove him like that?
SS: Because he bumped into me.
DH: It was an accident.
SS: So?
DH: So, do you think it might be a good idea to find that out first? Or think before you shove or hit someone?
Ss (scoffing): That's lame.
Maybe I'm totally out of touch, but that doesn't sound like great attitude to me.
Meanwhile, he nearly flunked language last nine weeks and most other grades are mediocre. DH asked him about grades, class work, etc., and SS admitted most of the time he either half-asses it or doesn't bother to do work. Why? He'd rather do other stuff.
We had gotten where, when we walk, we'd let him stay home alone. No more. We discovered he was using that time to take food and hide it in his room (not allowed because he has a habit of not cleaning). 14 and we can't leave him by himself.
He's about to be here for nearly two weeks while BM is out of town and I'm just thrilled.
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One day, and I hope it's soon
One day, and I hope it's soon, he'll shove the wrong person ...
It's funny how certain people
It's funny how certain people seem to have multiple "accidents" or get randomly victimized over and over.
The common denominator lecture. I got that one several times.
A lesson that when I took it to heart, changed outcomes for me.
This kid's come to Jesus event with someone who deconstructs bullies with instant overwhelming violence is long overdue. It needs to happen before this kid really hurts someone.
He's disturbed. Is his father
He's disturbed. Is his father acknowledging this?
To some extent, yes. But he
To some extent, yes. But he seems utterly clueless as far as what to do about it. Nothing he's ever done works for long. Partly because SS knows as soon as he goes back to BM's, it's Disney again. At the same time, I don't think DH is as tough or consistent as he should be. Partly, he's afraid he'll lose SS completely and partly because he's so fed-up, he's ready to just quit. Neither are helpful attitudes.
Nobody is really parenting this kid
Nobody is teaching this kid ''life'''. You just don't go along shoving other people . you are in control of your actions. You have to paid for your actions ''in-school suspension''
with your DH and his ex doing such a great job with SS. You need to start a lawer fund . SS going to ne ed a expensive lawer
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. They seem more and more ineffectual in dealing with issues. BM just doesn't see that it's a big deal. DH seems to, but when he puts a consequence in place, it has no effect and he just throws his hands up.
At some point somebody is
At some point somebody is going to get really hurt and either DH will learn the consequences of having to deal with his kid needing medical attention or pay the price for another kid needing medical treatment.
Yikes, Hastings!
Yikes, Hastings!
Has your DH considered therapy for his violent son? His aggressiveness could be due to some trauma in his earlier childhood that’s causing this behaviour. Has his father discussed these anger issues with the boy? Who knows, maybe your SS is just a natural bully but, since your DH is ready to throw in the towel, any recourse is better than doing nothing.
Do you like the boy? Are you able to talk to him yourself and would he listen to you? My own SS often confided in me when he felt unable to make complaints or confessions to his dad. Admittedly, my SS and I have enjoyed a close relationship from the get-go but sometimes, a more objective ear than one’s parents can be productive.
Anyhoo, the kid is 14 so only 4 more years to go before he’s either away at college (although with his poor marks, it could be questionable) or out the door. Time flies, Hon, and at the grand old age of 80, I can testify to that!
He definitely won't open up
He definitely won't open up to me. He barely mutters monosyllables in my direction. The only person he might open up to is his mom -- possibly her parents. He's close to them.
Both DH and BM have had anger issues in the past and big emotions. I've never witnessed anything directed toward or happening in front of SS, but he's genetically predisposed to anger management problems.
I do think therapy might be a good idea. Problem is, BM doesn't think the issues are that serious (not much far-sightedness going on) and DH has had bad experiences with therapy. Plus the fact that the couple of times they've taken him or told him he was going, he responded by clamming up and refusing to say a word. They gave up.
Sadly, often these types of
Sadly, often these types of kids are a teen and adult years curse. Few are viable beyond a consistently on the edge existance.
I grew up with one whose family was very close to mine. He was about 4yrs older. Sadly, these types of kids are a lifetime curse. Few are viable. He ended up dead in his 20s. I also went to school with 3 brothers who were all smart and engaging. The middle one was edgy and was a trouble maker. He ended up passing from substance issues before he was 40. It broke the hearts of his brothers, and their parents.
At some point cutting losses is the best way to protect those who are not beyond slavage.
As difficult at that may be.