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Coming to Jesus Meeting with DH

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 3:58pm

Being a wife, full-time employee, and a mother to DD5months have finally come to a head. I am burnt out. It has been building up for weeks, but yesterday was my final straw. Yesterday, DH was on a business trip down south. He left at 6:30 am and returned around 7 pm. On his way home he texted me telling me to not worry about SS and DD, that he would take care of everything when he got home. Well, he gets home and takes a shower, fiddle farts around, and then made himself a sandwich. By the time he was said and done, DD was in bed and SS was on his way to bed. So again, I was left alone to do everything while DH only worried about himself.

I told DH that I cannot and refuse to do this anymore. When DD was first born, DH attended every appointment, helped with all of the child raising, etc. For the last two months, he has slacked big time, missing important medical appointments and slacking on the day-to-day responsibilities. Yes, DH has helped with feedings, baths, diaper changes, etc. but it has been on me to pack the whole family for trips, take DD to every weekly doctor appointment, make sure the house is organized and laundry is done, make sure the dog gets to the vet, make sure SS is taken care of. I have been busting butt nonstop for the last month or so, doing everything for everyone else and nothing for myself, all while, DH has gone on a golf outing, gone out with friends, traveled for work, etc. 

Last night, I had the coming to Jesus meeting that was long overdue. I told DH that I am not willing to do everything on my own and he needs to step up. I told him that I cannot keep track of his responsibilities and I refuse to remind him of appointments and things he needs to do; he is a big boy and can keep tabs on what he needs to do. I told DH in May that I refused to watch SS10 24/7 this summer, well I ended up watching him 24/7 because DH made no other plan. He literally got up for work daily, got himself ready and walked out the door, leaving me to figure it all out with 2 kids and a full-time job of my own. I told DH that when SS visits for Thanksgiving, DH will either find a plan for SS, or I will leave for the whole week, forcing DH to figure it out. I told DH that if he can't have a plan, then maybe SS shouldn't visit because I will not tolerate babysitting a kid who does not respect me.  I told DH that it is not fair that my brain is filled with paying bills, maintaining the household, taking care of the kids, etc. while all he can think about is golf, bourbon, and talking with friends. 

DH was receptive to it and agreed to go to counseling. He also agreed to work harder to take the load off my plate and to make this a team effort. I told DH that I will not accept promises, only actions at this point. 

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 4:56pm

I'm not going anywhere as we have landscaping happening this weekend, but I did tell DH that if tonight (the last night with SS) isn't working, I will pack up and go to my parents with DD to hangout. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 4:24pm

Wow I would have lost it when he left for work and left you to figure out how to take care of 2 kids and do your own job. What are you a housewife with a full time job??

Counseling is just going to prolong this to solution and give him a chance to justify his neglecting his duties. For now start saying NO when things happen rather than dealing with them until you can't. You didn't do anything wrong so don't take it that way but you need to assert yourself and say no from now on.

Also it's pretty much impossible to work and care for a baby, is she going to daycare eventually? Once she becomes mobile it's going to be very hard to do both. Make sure you are not expected to look after SS while your own child is in daycare. 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 5:01pm

I work 100% remote, but it doesn't make it easier to watch the kids. DH works remote 2 days per week and works 3 days in office. My mom helps out with DD while I work, but due to her travel plans and medical appointments, she isn't the most consistent, which then means I have to watch DD when she can't. DD is on a wait-list for daycare and has been since April, but they won't have an opening until September at the earliest. You basically have to get on the wait-list while you are pregnant because they are months long.

Because SS only visits 6 weeks per year, I don't know what to do with him if DD is in daycare. He is aging out of daycare next year, which we couldn't even get him into due to waitlists, and camps don't happen when he's here, so I'm not sure what the plan would be. I just told DH that I won't watch him. 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 4:26pm

Good for you.  I hope your husband steps up.  And I would definitely pick up and leave at Thanksgiving if DH doesn't have a plan for SS.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Submitted by NotYourAverageS... on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 5:56pm

it is not fair to you to shoulder all that burden plus SS who is your DH's responsibility and not yours. 
 

Since I work from home during the week I do a lot of the SD running around. Taking her to camp and tutoring, etc. i also work a two hour shorter day than my DH, but when he comes home from work he either takes over on the parental role and household duties or he at the very least splits it with me. Typically when he gets home he wants me to sit down and let him handle things. I am very appreciative of my DH for this. He was off on Tuesday in addition to last Monday. He could of just ran off to do stuff with SD until time for her tutoring, but instead he cleaned the house, did all the laundry, bathed the dogs, had SD help him around the house, took SD to tutoring, etc to make sure my week was easier and I didn't have to do those things. I personally handle all the bill paying and that sort of thing so because of that he really tries to help around the house and 9 times out of 10 takes the dogs out too. When BM was being annoying with trying to set up this call schedule, a big part of the reason he didn't want to set one up especially during the week was because he didn't want to add one more thing to my to do list especially in regards to SD. 
 

Your DH has potential to get better and change his ways in these regards, but just needs to realize that everyone is tired and wants to just relax without all the extra responsibilities after work, but for a household to work, it takes both people in the marriage to put in work. Your SS as you know is not your responsibility and it wasn't fair to leave you with no choice this summer. DH wanted tutoring to be at night after work so he could help with the running her around, but I don't mind it and appreciated his want to help me out with it. I also don't have the disrespect problem with SD yet and I don't have another child to take care of either. It is a shame how it isn't easy to get camp and care for SS because his school gets out so early, etc. there is definitely a solution other than you and your mom though for when he is there. I really hope counseling helps and he realizes how much he has been unfairly putting on you.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 6:25pm

Update: DH worked remotely today so I left SS with him and went to my Mom's with DD to work. When I got home at 5, DH had dinner made, had the house tidied up and immediately helped with DD. It allowed me to go take a bath, something I hadn't done in a while.

I want to be a team with DH, not just have one person doing it all. I'm hoping this will be a lasting change and not just a few week trend that goes away. DH was raised in a household where MIL did nothing and FIL was always working to support the household so DH never was raised in a teamwork dynamic. DH honestly raised himself so I think that is where the looking out for himself comes from. I don't do that and I wasn't raised that way, so this will be a forced shift for DH and I won't be letting it slide. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Submitted by NotYourAverageS... on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 6:47pm

My father was raised in a household like your DH and because of this my mother has to remind him gently from time to time that he needed to work as a team and not leave everything on her shoulders. My father teases my DH sometimes about all the household chores my DH does meanwhile my mom and others comment how lucky I am. My DH wasn't raised in a teamwork environment, but he thinks marriage, household and family duties takes work from both people so I am really lucky with that. 

Would he get annoyed if you left him like little sticky notes that were cute, but also reminding him to help around the house? That way it is a gentle nudge that maybe will stick with him?

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 7:34pm

DH knows what he has to do, he just gets unmotivated and lazy at times. I think if I left him notes, he would feel like a toddler. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 8:06pm

Clapping

Now, hopefully DH shows you rather than just telling you.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Fri, 07/08/2022 - 8:32pm

I feel strange saying this - but I'm so disapointed in your DH! I know I don't know him, but mostly had the impression that he was one of the "good ones." I cannot believe that he has left most of the care of his kid up to you, when you essentially already have two full time jobs - working and running the household. I hope he heard you and continues to step up. He obviously does not realize how good he has it and doesn't appreciate all you do for a child who isn't yours.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 9:08am

I think DH is one of the good ones. He was very traumatized when I met him because of BM's narc tendencies and abuse. When I met him, if BM said "jump," DH would say "how high!" He would literally let BM walk all over him. DH worked really hard in counseling and on his own to overcome that and put boundaries in place to protect us. He works hard daily to maintain those boundaries and prevent BM from causing anymore trouble within our household. Now when SS is here, that is harder to do because SS pushes BM's agenda when he's here so he infiltrates from the inside. 

DH has never been good at planning in advance. He is very last minute and doesnt think critically. I joke with him that it was like the "peanut butter effect." DH can look in the pantry and tell me he can't find the peanut butter, but when I look, it's right in front of his face. Plus, DH is terrified about job security because FIL was laid off during DH's childhood and they lost their home. FIL never financially recovered and that really rattled DH so he tends to put work above a lot of things, out of fear that he will get fired for taking days off or attending to personal things. That is how he is. So I think when SS comes to town, DH doesn't think big picture. He just thinks that SS is here from x date to x date and he doesn't think about what needs to happen in between. This happened last week with DD's appointment. DH wanted to attend the appointment and I told him what time it was at and what time we had to leave. Well, DH got a work call 10 minutes before we had to leave and I couldn't wait any longer, so I left. DH really beat himself up for not attending, but he said he forgot he planned a work call at the same time. I have told DH that he needs to focus a little less on work and be able to balance work and life. 

As of last night, DH has updated his calendar with all of DD's upcoming appointments and all of SS' visitation dates. He took care of both kids all last night, cooked dinner, and got up with DD multiple times last night, allowing me to sleep. Today, he is outside prepping the yard for landscaping. 

I think he heard me, I just think he gets complacent sometimes and needs a blunt reminder. And DH will say that I was blunt, but he will also say that it was all valid and he needs to do better. 

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Sun, 07/10/2022 - 8:52am

He should be using vacation time for when SS visits. Clearly he won't be able to take all 6 weeks (I'm assuming he doesn't get 6 weeks off) but.. he should utilize the time he has with SS. 

Work/life balance can be tough to find sometimes. It seems like he was receptive to your talk. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 10:46am

Winterglow, I've seen that one before but it is still golden!

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 11:00am

I think so too! I very much like what Emma writes because it's so down-to-earth and oh so true.

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 12:41pm

I'm sorry to harp if I've mentioned this before,  but I  maintain several Google calendars that I share with several different people.   I  know it sounds minor, but it really has done a lot to lighten my mental load.

I share one with DH with all our appointments and events,  we both had one with Satan for the custody schedule,  one for myself tracking my paydays, one for Aunt Flo,  and I have one synched to FB for local band events,  which can be copied into my DH events calendar.   It's easier to maintain on a desktop,  but can be viewed from any device.  You can enabled/disable visibility of each to overlay them in your view.

YMCA here offers excellent summer daycamp all summer. 

 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 1:37pm

DH and I have a Google calendar, but I'm sure we need to clean it up and update it. That would probably be helpful to keep everything straight. DH and I also have a joint email address so all bills, payment reminders, and emails pertaining to SS' school district, DD's medical, our medical, and the mortgage go to that email address so we both have access. 

Unfortunately, DH and I live in a really rural area so the nearest YMCA is 45 minutes away. The local schools and churches offer summer camps but because school here ends in the middle of June, instead of the middle of May like SS' does, most of the camps here don't start until July. SS usually comes the last week of May through the first week of June and then again the 3rd week of June through the first week of July, so unfortunately, camps aren't accessible to us. Trust me, I have checked every summer camp within a 20 mile radius to get SS out of my house. I might just have DH work remote for the two two week blocks he is here. His work seems to be flexible about that and they offered DH 3 months of remote flexibility when DD was born and we were moving into our house. 

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 8:50pm

Oh, also, we have 5 Alexa devices in the house. 

So if I'm cooking,  I  can call out "Alexa, add olive oil to my shopping list. "

"Alexa, add pillows to my camping list. "

"Alexa, in one hour remind me to change the laundry. "

"Alexa, tommow's weather?"

We can view all our lists on our TV or phones. 

 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 5:02pm

We also have 4 or 5 Alexa devices in the house. I've never really tested their full capabilities. We really only use them to turn on and off lights, adjust the thermostat, drop in/make announcements to kids, and play music. Maybe I'll have to read up more to see what else it can do to make my life easier. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sun, 07/10/2022 - 9:53am

Thank you for using "fiddle fart" in your post. I use it too, and I change the f word when situations merit change. 

 

I'm glad you spoke up for yourself. You need to recharge your batteries too. Just because you can do it all (or most of it) doesn't mean yyou should have to.