OT-what do you do for the home vs. your DH? I need to know if I am being unreasonable
Well, as time goes by I get more and more angry as I feel that I do way too much and DH does not really pull his weight around here. While I will say that he does cook and clean off and on, I still think that I am being taken advantage of in many ways. However, I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.
Here are some of the things I do that DH doesn't. Please note that I am currently working FULL TIME from home. In addition, my son is homeschooled.
Things I do or I am responsible for:
1. finding curriculum, new things for our son to learn in homeschooling
2. check our 401ks
3. check our savings, checking, etc.
4. budget everything
5. plan for the future, ie. we currently rent
6. plan for retirement
7. find extracurricular activities for our son, summer camps, etc.
8. plan vacations
9. organize the house
10. clean the house, as DH will do it but not consistently or very well, ie. he'll mop one side of the house and not clean the furniture, etc.
11. plan all outings, dinners, doing something on weekends, etc.
12. plan birthdays, holidays, etc. and buy gifts
13. check who needs what and either buy it or make a specific list for DH to do it
14. pay son's therapies
15. schedule medical appointments or tell DH to do it if I am too busy
16. take our son to get his haircut or tell DH to take him, how to tell the lady to cut it, etc...normally he comes home with a horrible haircut if I don't go
17. plan meals, grocery list or tell DH to do it...otherwise, he will go to the closest store and buy whatever is urgent for 3 times as much as the grocery store
18. sometimes do laundry or at least wash sheets, etc. as DH will do laundry but forget to wash sheets, etc.
Here is what DH does do...
1. he cooks, although I have to tell him what most of the time as he has no clue of what to cook...
2. goes grocery shopping
3. does SOME homeschooling with the kiddo
4. takes our son to dance class
5. does laundry
6. about once a week he might play with our son tennis or basketball if I tell him to do it or if he remembers
7. cleans off and on...not daily, not even weekly...some weeks a couple of days, other weeks nothing
DH currently DOES NOT WORK. He has not had a job for 6months and although I did originally tell him not to worry, as I was making good money and I thought that it would be great to have him help me out (again, I am with my son 24/7 and I have to work full-time), it is getting on my nerves now. If he did work outside of the home, he would probably do very little of the above. Before I did not work full-time, only worked 30hrs a week, but I did ALL of the above, both DH and my stuff with the exception of cooking dinner daily (DH also does not cook dinner daily) and take our son to dance class.
I am becoming more resentful as time passes and I feel that before when he worked he had very little to do and although again, I thought I would have lots of help with me working full-time now, I don't feel he is pulling his own weight anymore.
Please note we live in a rented apartment, so there is no garage or grass to mow. In addition, the car is usually filthy and when he washes it, usually about once a month if lucky, he will normally take it somewhere to get it done.
Now, he is ALWAYS in a happy mood. Always in a good mood. I on the other hand feel like I am the devil most of the time. By the way, in addition to my full-time job, I also have a couple of online stores that I try to keep up (although now I have VERY LITTLE if ANY time, because that money I use to pay the 400USD a month speech therapy for our son).
So, am I being unreasonable?
PS - For the first time in 13 years DH actually sat with me to do our taxes...every single year before that I did them myself...he wouldn't even look at them...
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You need a Superwoman
You need a Superwoman t-shirt!! Honestly, I am reading your post and wondering how you possibly do it all.
I think your husband does contribute based on your comments, but it's not enough and there needs to be more to keep a healthy balance. He may need more coaching and more daily lists to get what you need out of him right now. You can't possibly keep up what you are doing or you will burn out eventually!
I agree no doubt he
I agree no doubt he contributes, I guess I am resentful because it seems that as women who work full-time we are expected to do everything we did before, while men just go to work...and if they do anything around the house, it's like you have to have a party because they did maybe 8 hours of work extra a week. I feel that if a marriage is 50/50, then it should be 50/50. This BS of men doing so little and women still having to work full-time is a crock...we are getting the shitty end of the stick.
Thanks for your support.
PS - burnout has come...my doctor made me take a vacation about a month ago because of the stress...my health is not very good right now
PS - please note that getting
PS - please note that getting ANYTHING done where I live is a nightmare...there are no doctor appts, you literally spend ALL DAY at a dr's office waiting to be seen...going to Walmart, about 3 miles away will take you easy 2 hours between traffic and the horrendous lines...sigh
I don't think that helps at all...Also, we have no central air, as electricity costs 28 cents per KWH...so most of the day we sweat like pigs inside the apartment...No dishwasher either...ahhh...what a nightmare...Maybe I need to move instead.
Have you two ever sat down &
Have you two ever sat down & made a list of all the things you do in the home vs what he does? Our counselor had us do that. Then she had him pick 5 items from my list that HE chose to take over from now on. Afterwards she told me that if 'he' picked out the items that he would take over then it stands that he will do those things as he took over 'ownership' of them when we made our deal. & for the most part- its actually worked. If I saw he was totally lacking to do something- she suggested I jot it down on a sticky note & put on his side of the mirror so thaf he would see it with fresh eyes in the morning. The sticky note simply could say "trash" then an cutesy 'i love you' on it as well. So your kinda stroking his ego & also not reminding him verbally (men see it as nagging) & hes more likely to do it.
Just thought Id give you some suggestions I found thats helped us! Hope he starts helping you out more!! Its a partnership afterall!!![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
My Dh does nothing. He works.
My Dh does nothing. He works. He works a lot. I work too and go to school full time asking him to do anything around the house ALWAYS starts a huge fight. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate step life. I'm in such a bad mood this morning.
no you are not unreasonable.
no you are not unreasonable. our situation has always been the way it is, it was like this when we both worked full time in the same place, same shift. it was like this when fdh was out of work and i was still working. it was like this when i was/am pregnant. it was like this when i was sahm and he was working. it is like this now with us both working, but different shifts. it really doesn't matter, it never changes.
i do ALL housework. laundry, dishes, sweeping and mopping, dusting, scrubbing sinks and tub, cleaning toilet, ALL of it. he does nothing.
i am the one who took the steps to get our son help with his behavior and obvious delays.
i am the one who goes to all meetings with his teacher/school, fdh usually opts out. (really pisses me off that he doesn't care enough to, and if i force the issue, he acts like i'm forcing him to give up a body part).
i make and take bs to all dr/dentist appts. he doesn't even have the dr or dentist number in his phone.
i do all grocery and household shopping, which i'm sure is typical, but he can drive past numerous stores and gas stations knowing we are out of something and the truck needs gas, but he will just drive on home with nothing and make me have to leave early to get gas because he was too lazy to do it.
i remember 2 summers ago, (and this still pisses me off heavily) i asked him to start the lawnmower for me. my arm is not long enough to pull that cord with enough strength fast enough to get it started. all i wanted him to do was start it, i was going to mow. he was playing a computer game and bitched and complained about the whole fucking 2 minutes that i was pulling him away from it do something that was supposed to be HIS job.
he has slacked huge in yardwork over the past 2 years. our neighbor usually mows our lawn when he mows his own, cuz fdh is too busy on the computer like a teenager to get off his ass and do anything.
i am the one who insists on home repair. if it were left up to him, nothing would EVER be replaced. when the kitchen got remodeled, the cupboards that were taken out were made of some kind of cheap metal and were rusted and had huge holes in them. he thought that was fine. :jawdrop: he acts like wanting to live decent, not even high on the hog, is high maintenance. he hates to spend a dime on this house, but wants to buy a brand new computer for thousands of dollars every fucking 6 months. :?
when our brakes were going out, i am the one who insisted they be fixed properly and not just get brake pads to ease the noise for a couple of weeks. he was furious. i guess i'm horrible to want the vehicle that hauls my kids to be safe.
i am the one who takes the dogs to the vet. he can't be bothered, even though they are HIS dogs.
i'm sure i could go on endlessly. he does work 3rd shift, and that is inconvenient, but like i said, it's always been this way. 3rd shift, 1st shift, unemployed for 2 years, it doesn't matter. all he cares about is that damned computer and his stupid games. i am with a 40 year old teenager.![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
The ONLY thing my DH does is
The ONLY thing my DH does is mow the lawn and take care of the pool in the summer. And his own laundry. Nothing else.
He works full time, but still. I "work" from home, cook all meals, raise our two very young sons, clean the house (not very well, but I try), pay all bills, do all the shopping, all laundry for the boys and myself, and take the kids to all their activities.
And DH complains about the mess the kids make, or how noisy they are.
I have very little patience for DH.
The boys adore him too. Go figure. He does play with them for a bit most evenings.
Oh, my, we are ALL getting
Oh, my, we are ALL getting the shitty end of the stick. Honestly, I think I had the view that I would do all that because my mother did, but she also didn't work. Now I see that it seems women, even those who work full time, are still expected to do all this. No wonder men think women are hysterical!!! OK, well, while I think that I am doing too much, I also think that as WOMEN are are ALL doing too much, so I am not alone here. I guess the only difference is that my flaw is always wanting things to be fair and this being so lopsided, I have zero tolerance for it.
By the way, at my suggestion we did a list of all the things that needed to be done around the house and each one chose what to do. Basically, he chose the same crap as usual and I got the other. We have done that a few times over the years, but it seems every year it is worse. When we had a house and there was tons of things to do around the house, I had much more tolerance, but to me, the fact he no longer works, the fact he doesn't have a yard to mow or cars to clean, he should then step up and do more...not just think he now has more free time.
I really appreciate everyone's words. Not sure what I am going to do here. Today I had to go to the dentist. It is almost an hour drive. I have so much to do for work and around the house, that once again, I just can't get myself to leave the house for 3 hours just to go to the dentist. There are wine glasses he wanted that were cleaned weeks ago still on the counter with the baskets right next to them. He doesn't even see them...
Again, thanks to all.
i know what you mean about
i know what you mean about not even wanting to leave the house. i have things to do every thursday and have things to do today, too. my days off. the house gets neglected even further because of everything i have no choice but to do today because there are no other days to do them. seems there is no winning this game.
I am in a similar boat-
I am in a similar boat- although not exactly the same. I work full time. Dh is retired. I, too, thought it would be so awesome to have all this pesky house stuff done for me. Ha! I think these expectations are part of what got me in trouble. We had a difficult adjustment with division of labor to say the least.
My dh does have some legit issues- brain injury as well as some physical issues that make any sustained physical labor impossible. But the basic breakdown is that I still "run" everything. He does do almost all the cooking. It's one thing he's fairly consistent with. Other things he " helps" with. I can leave him a stack of bills and the checkbook with instructions on how much to pay and he usually pays them. If I tell him to call xyz he usually will. He will usually pick up around the house- maybe load the dishwasher. Sometimes on weekends while I'm there to supervise I can get him to vacuum or something like that. But on his own he'd never think to go scrub the toilets, dust the furniture or even do the laundry. If I ask him to do some laundry he usually will. I say usually because he does have bad days in which he does pretty much nothing.
He does the lawn work, repairs on the house although the lawn is with my sons help and the repairs are with a buddy's help.
I would get so pissed because I felt like surely he was capable enough to see the laundry piling up and would freaking know to wash it. I thought he just didn't want to. After much communication, arguments, and timepassi g I came to realize that this is just the way he is. In my case I'm not sure if its brain injury, just being a man, whether he's in physical pain, or he's lazy. Or a combo of all. But I've accepted it. I do way more than is probably " fair", but in the interest of peace and a loving relationship I just do it. There are lots of things he is awesome at, things he does better than me, things he will do if I just ask- I'm not willing to ruin my marriage because I did 8 loads of Landry this week and he only did 2.
If I find myself becoming overwhelmed with household tasks I simply let him know- hey this, this, and this needs to be done today and I'm really stressing- I need your help. He is pretty good about helping. There is a pieceof me that resents that I actually have to tell him- shouldnt he just know what needs o be done? But I try to let that go because he does do what I ask
Thanks for your response. I
Thanks for your response. I am glad you are mature enough to be able to see these things. I guess I still cannot. Maybe we have such resentment built up that it is hard for me to see.
Once he came home and saw my son looking for food in the fridge. I had just fed my son 2 hours before that. He yelled at me for allowing our son to STARVE...but hey, if he does it, it is perfectly fine. Now that it happens with him all the time, then he sees he was wrong, but that doesn't take away the fact that after all I did he put me down in such a way to call me an irresponsible parent, when it has been me all along who has been responsible in this home.
My husband cooks, does the
My husband cooks, does the laundry, takes out the trash, and mows the lawn.
I do everything else. Bills, taxes, everything.
He will occasionally do some housework but not enough to really matter.
Let's just say, by the time I am done cleaning house, I am thoroughly pissed off at how little he cleans.
So once again I tried to talk
So once again I tried to talk to this ahole. Of course, he sees nothing wrong. He says he's trying. Sorry, that doesn't cut it for me anymore. I am worn out. I even gave him an article about the silent treatment, ignoring my feelings, etc. as I have complained about this for years and he has done absolutely nothing. The article fits him to a T, but he still cannot see it. He still comes up with thousands of excuses for everything he does. The asshole even had the balls to tell me that he went vegetarian for me...Now mind you, he saw NOTHING wrong when I had to cook meat every day although I did not like eating meat and was a vegetarian for years. He claims he stopped talking to his family for me. No asshole, you allowed your family to abuse me for 10 years and ignored my feelings to keep the peace FOR YOURSELF. Blaming me for finally stopping the abuse of that low life family is irresponsible and you being an asshole. He is all about keeping the peace. That is what he says. Fuck that.
http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-min...
Here is the article I gave him. It fits him to a T...he made up excuses such as "well, you yell at me"...really? What do you expect when you allowed your family to talk shit about me, treat me like dirt for 10 years and did nothing about it? For me to kiss your ass? Yes, he put a stop to it about a year ago finally...after 12 years...but now somehow, the fact he doesn't see them is MY FAULT...are you kidding me?
It is funny how he can blame me for everything, but never sees it in himself. He claims I yell at him when he does things wrong. I will admit that I am at my witts end and I do yell, but I also say I am sorry, I also have talked to him on numerous occasions and told him that I know I need to control my temper but that I am worn out, that I am trying and that there are certain things that trigger this...like him not being responsible and drinking like a fish when I am sick or have had a hard day at work...he doesn't freaking see it. He could care less.
Yesterday was my birthday. I told him Thursday I wanted to go do dinner and just have a few drinks because I was so tired from a crazy week at work. He had not planned ANYTHING to do with me for my birthday, nothing, not a thing. I told him BEFORE we left that I was going to have a few drinks to please not drink much. Sure enough, he doesn't know when to stop...he just continued to drink not even thinking about anything I said before. Then he got angry at me because I called him out on it...while he mumbled and told me that he had not had too much to drink...there went my birthday, the one I PLANNED because he is too selfish to plan anything for my birthday. I on the other hand last year planned a huge party for him with all his ex-coworkers...Not him...but it is my fault that I am such a witch.
Sorry for the rambling...just really tired and worn out.
Shaking...I am sorry you too
Shaking...I am sorry you too are going through so much crap. Honestly at some point we need to save our lives...Yes, no doubt we "knew" what we were getting into, sure...that's the perfect line for these men. No responsiblity at all for their messy lives and yet we are to just suck it up...No, it can't be this way. We brought no mess into their lives. I would never allow my family to treat him badly, even though my family loved my ex...I made it clear from DAY ONE what would be tolerated...They aren't real men but "pu$$$ a$$" men as I call them. They can't grow balls to deal with their crap, so they blame us for everything. Not happening anymore.
I am working on separating my money, getting my own bank account and that is it. No more. He can continue to live his disastrous life under a bridge...but he's not bringing me down anymore. I had it all before we met...he has ruined my life, my credit, my health, my future...everything. No more.
I hate to be on the man's
I hate to be on the man's side on anything, but most of the things on your list take very little time or effort all except for the homeschooling which I take it you choose to do. Check 401k's? I do that 4 times a year. It takes 5 seconds. Is it making money or losing money? If it's making money, I leave it alone. If it's losing money, I make a 10 minute phone call. Scheduling Dr's appointments? I do that while I'm driving.
It seems like you TELL your husband to do a lot of things, and you told him not to worry about working, so if it's not working out, why don't you TELL him to get a job? He could pay someone to clean your apartment, do your laundry including the sheets, and grocery shop for you.
And why are you planning vacations if you still live in an apartment?
I own a small business and my
I own a small business and my DH works there full-time with me. We SHARE household chores. I bring him coffee every morning in bed and in return he takes our dog out for his morning walk.
If I cook (rare), he cleans. If he cooks (most times), I clean.
I tend to do the laundry I've noticed
but I wash/dry and fold and then place his stuff on a chair for HIM to put away. He does the hard labour stuff, the car maintenance and I do all the flowers and the outdoorsy stuff I like.
It really is about 50/50.
He can be messier than me but he tries really hard not to be. If he starts slipping up too much I'll take action. He can, for example. leave his shoes right in the foyer when he takes them off. He won't put them away in the closet.
I will then take them and throw them out on the patio on the 3rd floor. He knows where to find 'em if he goes looking.
Works like a charm. In fact, we laugh about it.
My DH does a bit but is ADHD
My DH does a bit but is ADHD and, of course, housework is not one of those things he gets hyperfocused on so it is lackadaisical at best.
I just keep up the best I can. I am happy that he does cook most of the time. Once we get a house, I am budgeting for a maid at least once a month or every other week.![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
I don't mind the housework as much as I mind him not finishing "projects" around the house. Or, if he does start on one, he will get tired of it midway through so it is left half-finished.