So, like many other people I have "seen" on this forum, I am so incredibly happy that there is a site like this and that I am not alone. Because, oftentimes, in my home I do feel that way.

Let me first give a brief history of my relationship with DH (who is actually my fiance). We met a couple of years ago, fell in love and jumped into a relationship. DH has three children from previous relationships. 2 daughters (with one mom) and one son (with a different mom). I was always nervous about this..even when we were dating. I was a mid-twenty-something, carefree, single girl, who was nowhere even close to considering having children. I was content to never have children or get married, frankly. But, I was in love, or maybe a little blinded by the first rush of love, and I decided sure, I'd move in with DH and his 2 girls (their mom has not been in the picture since they were babies), and we got engaged. Two days a week, we also have his son for visitation. Fast forward a few months after me moving in to me finding out I was pregnant! I was devastated when I found out, because I was already having A LOT of mixed feelings about being a step mom. I already felt like I was being crammed into a role that I just did not fit. After accepting the fact that I was pregnant and knowing that I could never get an abortion, I was OK with having a baby. And, since he was born, I've fallen completely head over heals for him.

But, at the same time, I feel like I'm pushing my SDs away at the same time. Much like other people have mentioned before, sometimes (verging on oftentimes) their mere presence annoys me and makes my skin crawl. Oftentimes I just want to lock myself in a room with silence; and sometimes I do. I know I'll be bombarded by questions or by them filling me in on their day at school, all while I'm still wrapping up my work day from home and trying to make sure my baby is safe, fed, clean, etc.

In addition to not yet feeling a strong connection with my SDs, I have also become to resent them slightly. I clean up after them CONSTANTLY. I also remind them to hang up their coats, throw away candy wrappers, not drop gum on our hardwood floor, do laundry, pick up legos and other small toys so my baby won't choke on them, etc. I know that some of the resentment actually originates from my DH. He is a total slob, and he's passed it down to his daughters. He gets something out, sets it down and forgets it for weeks or months..and I'm talking about food and beverages some of the times. He's said to me in the past that he doesn't see a mess around him!! It's a pretty obvious trail that he leaves, but whatever you say dear... :? Anyway, he's not as strict about getting on his kids to clean up. And, I've pleaded with him time and time again to help me get things cleaned up around here, because it's already overwhelming enough for me still adjusting to being a step-mom, let alone a mom to a newborn, without having to play drill sergeant to get things clean all of the time!

I wouldn't complain so much about it, but my DH sits on his ass much of the time he is home from work. (Although, he DOES cook dinner.) He sits in front of the computer, consumed by news and current events, oftentimes ignoring his daughters, so then I have to entertain them. I'm the one who is told about school events, upcoming projects, gossip with friends at school, because he doesn't seem to have the patience to listen to them. He's also been out of work here and there and hasn't made much of an attempt to get extra work, even after me nudging him to do so several times. Instead, I get to work full-time from home while caring for my son and freelance extra work on the side to make more money, while I'm adapting to all of this change and feeling like I'm running a household. When he doesn't have work, he sleeps in late and doesn't help me with the baby so I can focus 100% of my energy on work, even for just a couple of hours. Again, many of these things I have brought to his attention time and time again. He at first resists the criticism and gets defensive, but then finally backs down and acknowledges I'm right. We make up and all is well for a couple of days or a week..until he's back to his old habits. And, then another fight ensues; and fights typically begin with him deflecting his errors by blaming my reactions to things.

I feel like my mind is on 100 things at once and his mind is on nothing that needs to be taken care of. It's on news and current events much of the time. Oftentimes I don't even feel like he's here, even though physically he is.

I'm really starting to feel like I'm losing it. I'm getting really angry and resentful that all of this extra work is forcing me to take some time away from my baby and myself, honestly. I'm also angry that most of the grocery bills in the last few months have been paid with my checking account. I've paid for his children to eat, be bathed and clothed, often. I went from having to pay for one person to paying for 4, and two nights a week, 5. I feel like within 2 years, I went from being superindependent and carefree to stressed and trapped.

Recently, I've been feeling like I don't want to be here anymore, and I'm just not sure what to do. When things are great with DH, they are great. When things are not great, well, it makes for a pretty terrible atmosphere around here. I can't help but to feel like I deserve better.. What have I gotten myself into?? :O