Gender identity part 2
H talked to SS:
1) SS says he’s known since he was 7. He didn’t want to say anything because Trump was president and he had heard he and his people were mean about it.
2) He thinks he’s a girl because he likes some “girl things” like gymnastics. He thinks girls clothes would be more comfortable because they’re looser and not as hot.
3) He doesn’t really mind that he can’t wear girl clothes to school, though, and doesn’t mind if people use “he/him” instead of “she/her.”
4) He says he’s also pansexual.
5) He first heard the term transsexual on the playground from an older kid who told him to look it up. He researched it and has been reading/watching since then.
He showed no signs of discomfort or distress. He’s obviously done a LOT of research on these topics. But I’m not convinced that’s what’s happening here. Anyway, H and I are going to find some experienced pros to consult as the next step.
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Kinda gotta let him down that
Kinda gotta let him down that dudes do gymnastics too so it's not a girl sport. All gymnasts were tight clothing to perform. And girls clothes is typically more form fitting than boys unless he wants to live in pajama pants.
Uh, yeah. That was one of my
Uh, yeah. That was one of my first thoughts. Gymnastics isn't just for girls. And girl clothes are looser? No.
Liking some "girl things" isn't the same as being transgender. But there's still a lot to figure out here. His answers did not make us inclined to believe this is gender dysmorphia.
Really? At 7 he was dialed
Really? At 7 he was dialed into politics?
Also agree with above poster; girls clothes are (unfortunately) tighter fitting than boys.
Very odd indeed.
If it was my child, I would let him do whatever (within reason) to explore this idea. However, I saw bm was already talking about hormone therapy. That would be a hard freakin no. Get ready for a battle on that. Sounds like bm might push this. I would probably start looking for and perhaps start consulting with an attorney.
We're thinking he's been
We're thinking he's been doing a lot of reading and video watching. He's saying a lot and seems to know a lot without really understanding, in my opinion. I think he heard stuff about the political stuff and went with it/is now parroting it.
SS doesn't seem the least anxious about hormones so I'm hoping that won't come up before it can all get sorted. But H suspects BM will not accept his reading of the situation. The fear is she'll keep encouraging it in a way that will drive the train and make it harder to get to the bottom of it.
Piecing the story together, I suspect he expressed a liking for something "girly," an older kid said he must be transgender and told him to look it up, he fell down a rabbit hole and became convinced that's what he is.
At this point, I am not at all convinced. But we'll remain supportive and neutral while trying to get to the bottom.
What does a 7 yo really understand?
First I don't think a real DR is going to give hormones to a 7 yo. Some trans people say they knew at a early age. But Then you see trans teenagers, young adults keep switching back and forth.
Let him explore all he wants, But no to medical treatment until he's an adult
He's 11 now. But from what we
He's 11 now. But from what we can tell, there are a lot of steps before hormones. And as it stands now, DH isn't going to consent to anything and would fight her if she tried.
My BD did this a few years
My BD did this a few years ago...she decided she was bisexual, then a lesbian, then gender neutral, then she might be trans. I told her it was fine to be all those things but we would research with her what all this meant...not just what she was being fed by social media and her friends. We also let her know she was going to be going to therapy to help her adjust and deal with her new lifestyle since her path was not going to be easy in our ultra conservative town. Lastly we let her know that should she opt to change genders once she was an adult (we would not allow hormones while she was under 18). She would need to begin researching gender reassignment and what all that entailed and how much it would cost. Despite what agenda BM wants to push, your DH can ensure that SS is researching properly, not just watching Tik-Toks and thinking this will be easy just because it's trendy. Kids now a days feel they need to do anything to fit in, sadly this is the new trend to fit in. It's a horrible trend given it truly takes away from the kids who really do struggle with gender identity and their sexuality.
I don't think the kids
I don't think the kids realize just how much is involved in transitioning. The surgeries are pretty brutal with a lot of potential complications. The money involved is more than most people have. Then you have to take (and pay for) hormone therapy for life, which has its own health risks. Plus the outcomes of the surgeries may make you look like the other gender but function is yet another issue. I have a child who has, since birth, been atypical in that way, and i don't want all that for their future. I hope they can find a way to express who they are and live how they want without mutilating the healthy body they were born with and possibly causing irreversible complications.
That was another odd thing he
That was another odd thing he said. He said he's read that sometimes people have health problems and gender reassignment can fix them. Maybe he was thinking of the emotional and psychological distress but the words and phrasing suggested he thinks surgery can resolve physical health problems. Actually, transitioning can create them.
Yeah, it's not like "poof,
Yeah, it's not like "poof, you're a girl" and you're perfectly 100% changed to a female with everything functioning as it should. If that were the case, i'd have no problem with my kid doing it.
Right, look at Jazz (TLC show
Right, look at Jazz (TLC show "I am Jazz") All she ever talked about what how much better she would be once she got her bottom surgery and how much happier and healthier she would be. She had her bottom surgery and is still unhappy, mentally unhealthy and now over eats to compensate. She "transitioned" at a very young age and the parents fully supported and helped push that agenda her whole life. I view her story as a cautionary tale for parents and children who are so quick to jump on the sex organ re-assignment wagon.
My experience
My SD24 announced their non-binary status a couple of years ago. So far they are consistent with it
On this blog I still refer to her as a her (since it's anonymous and she doesn't know about it) but in real life I use her chosen pronouns.
As adults, we rush to judgement on this sometimes. As parents, you're valid in putting the brakes on - but also correct in thinking you need some advice/counseling on this.
Really it's too serious to put it off as a phase (though it may be one). If your child is gender questioning at this early age, it may be they are are trans. Or maybe later end up bi. Or later just straight. Who knows, that's the point of questioning. Let them question and just assist them in coming to a conclusion for themselves.
I would take seriously if the kid took the time to research it on their own. Most kids can't be bothered to research anything on their own. So maybe there is something there. Get some help for the kid to help them work through their questions, and read up on it yourselves. This is becoming common enough that you may find a parent support group near you.
I am continually surprised, given how common this is becoming, there are so few resources for parents in this situation.
I think we would feel
I think we would feel differently about it if he were an adult. As it is, we don't feel we can just take his word for it.
He's a smart kid who likes to research topics he's interested in and then tell people about it (I was -- and am -- the same way) so his doing a lot of research isn't terribly surprising.
We are definitely keeping open minds about it. But there are big missing pieces here. For instance, there's no sign even now that he's depressed, distressed, or uncomfortable with his body. The way he tells it, he likes some "girl things." That's not necessarily gender dysmorphia.
We will be supportive while also seeking out the help of qualified professionals.
What we don't agree with is his mom's approach of immediately believing everything he says. But this is the woman who always accepts "yes, I did my homework and turned it in" even when the assignment still shows up as "incomplete," the teacher says she doesn't have it and he has a history of lying about homework.
Sometimes support doesn't mean just accepting every word your child says.
11yo is not old enough to know shit about anything.
Much less gender identity.
A parents job is to guide, structure, and support the lives of their minor children. If a kid is gay, or chooses a gender identity other than what they are born as, it is the parents job to guide that process, help the kid to be confident and ready to live their adult lives and to make those decisions when they are adults.
Do not interpret my comment as presenting sexual orientation as a choice. It is not. Neither is being gay a behavioral or psychological issue.
Gender dysmorphia on the other hand, is a recognized psychological condition.
If an adult chooses to identify to a gender other than their genetic gender, so be it. But an 11yo has no clue and it is the parents role to protect that child and raise them to viable adulthood where they can make their own choices.
As for pronouns, they are not a choice. They are structured by grammar. Referring to an individual as made up goofy shit "pronouns", is just grammatically imbecilic. There are two appropriate sets of pronouns, the male pronouns, and the female pronouns with a small number of gender neutral pronouns (e.g. they, their you, etc.). I am fine with a him choosing to be a her, and vice versa. But... .don't make shit up and expect others to join in the imbecilic grammatical bullshit. I looked up the ridiculous shit on the whole made up pronouns thing and laughed my ass off so hard my stomach muscles cramped and I had tears rolling down my cheeks. WTF is a "zim" or a "fae"? smh
IMHO of course.
And in closing, I am a proud dad to an amazing gay man of character, standing in his community, standing in his profession, and who is a loved member of his family.
Again, IMHO of course.
Agreed. We see our job as to
Agreed. We see our job as to support him but also work to get to the truth without accepting what he says as gospel.
Could he be transgender and pansexual? Yes. But there are also a lot of red flags here.
He also proudly told his dad that there's a gay kid at his school and SS was the one who encouraged him to come out at school and to his parents. H questions if that's really true (he thinks we would have gotten a call) but, regardless, an 11-year-old doesn't need to be providing counseling to anyone. Friendship? Yes.
He's definitely being exposed
He's definitely being exposed to misinformation and glorification of being trans, which is one of many reasons why an 11-year-old shouldn't have unfettered access to TikTok. But I digress. There is definitely a social contagion about being trans or non-binary, and it can be tough to determine what is what. But the idea of Gender Dysphoria is still important. Truly trans people feel as if they are not who they are meant to be, and have to live a fake life, which leads to intense depression and self-loathing. They can't get past it with any kind of treatment, and it's long lasting and debilitating.
That's not what's happening with your SS. Maybe he can learn to express all sides of himself without needing to change his gender. That's what the "non-binary" term means. I like the idea of exploring research by credible sources (ie, NOT social media of any kind).
Sadly, kids are now being exposed to information that's way over their heads with exactly zero parental oversight or help with understanding what it all means. Chances are very good that he's not trans, just confused. If you choose a therapist, be careful - some jump right to believing that every kid who says they are trans should be taken at face value.
And monitor his social media use.
Exactly. Big pieces missing.
Exactly. Big pieces missing. There may well be something going on but true transgender/gender dysmorphia? I highly doubt it.
He's been talking to kids at school about it and claims he encouraged another kid to come out as gay. I told H, he seems to mean well, but he does NOT need to counsel other kids. And who knows what he's telling them.
This is such a trend right
This is such a trend right now.
The vast majority of the girls at my daughters school say they are Bi or some other variation of LGBTQ. Even she says that it is ridiculous. They are trying to be different, but all together at the same time. Trying to shock parents, but parents today are more understanding so they are pushing limits.
I think it is our job to be understanding and let kids know that we love them no matter what they choose for sexuality or identity but serious counseling needs to happen and social media drastically cut- especially tik tok- and monitored. They still need to feel connected and be able to research but they don't need it pushed on them either. There is a middle ground where, over time with therapy and guidance, he can make these decisions.
I would be super hesitant to
I would be super hesitant to go down a medical treatment route at such a young age. I think that I would be fine with the child expressing themselves and presenting as they wanted at home for sure.. as a way of exploring that part of themselves. Also, therapy to understand their emotional state and cope with the complicated issues and feelings. I would encourage a young person (and I think 11 is still fairly young) to consider a softer expression in public especially in a conservative area. The world can be unkind... peers can be unkind (even if it is more trendy now). And.. while it's good to be open and supporting, I don't think it's a problem to also present the possibility that some people do change their feelings as they get older and his current assumption of identity may change over time.. and that's ok. It's not a "final answer" kind of thing.. especially for a child that has not even started puberty (or is certainly not fully through it).
I remember being very "boy" for most of my childhood. I hated anything girly. I think I had one barbie doll that I cut all her hair into a crew cut. I only wore pants (unless forced by my parents for special occasions). I only liked hanging out with boys.. If you had told me at that age I could BE a boy? I would have 100% told you that is what I was and would have said I was T as well. But... here I am completely "not" T as an adult.. I started to like boys and have married two of them..lol. (well not at the same time).
I think it would have been awfully confusing to have really gone down that route.. then changing again etc.. My parents let me live as I wanted in jeans and doing boy stuff... but I wasn't given the "option" or idea that I could change who I was.
I think it's kind of confusing for kids who are so young that they don't understand the full picture
I said something similar to H
I said something similar to H. As a child, I loved dresses and keeping my hair long. But I also loved some "boy" shows and "boy" toys. If another kid had told me I must really be a boy and I had had access to the internet and resources today's kids have, I could have ended up very confused and thinking I may really be trans.
I had short hair and hated
I had short hair and hated dresses. At 9 I was upset because I wasn't allowed to go shirtless in the heat like the boys could. If someone had given me that "option".. yeah.. boy all the way. And if my parents had been inclned to be the ones to encourage their kids no matter what direction or interest? to celebrate it even? I might have been easily encouraged even if unintentionally to take that stance.