When you realize it’ll never work

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When you realize it'll never work for at least these reasons:

1. You like and/ love each other, but you were raised entirely differently (oil/water) and the things/activities that keep you together cease to be an option.

2. You don't share children; there is no glue.

3. You never really wanted Skids in the first place. You were oblivious to what all it entailed when you were rushed into it.

4. Your Skids don't want you in their lives, their lives that entail dad and mom--not you!

5. While he may be prodded to create boundaries that never existed until you came along, they only last so long because he can't hold out long enough to see that they'd actually have worked. The short term pain of having children punish him thru avoidance is too much to bear.

6. The decent relatives he does have, that actually like and include you, are dying away, leaving only the trashy who despise your, sorry, higher station.

7. When you know you could never like much less love his offspring.

8. When you detest the idea of ever being involved in shared activities involving the manipulative, behind the scenes Ex.

9. When you know you're not going to be able to continue enduring the above and accepting that you have to share him with "them" and her...for-ever.

Realizing the above and doing something about it are obviously two different things. The reason you don't do something: Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, and fear that you may always feel you made the wrong decision to leave.

Sounds like you are in a

Sounds like you are in a rough place. If fear is keeping you stuck, maybe some therapy would help you sort that out. Staying in a bad situation due to anxiety just leads to depression.

Thanks for the kind words,

Thanks for the kind words, but I venture to say there's a lot of anxiety and depression in almost everybody on this site. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. Wink wink

Be wary of single parents who

Be wary of single parents who are too eager to marry, move in together quickly and put you in the "mom/dad" role too soon or put you on their mortgage. This is not healthy for their kids and many of them are looking for someone to use to help them with their bills and to be their free nanny. We also must ask ourselves why these single parents are divorced. Maybe they were just incompatible with all of their exes. Maybe it was all of their exes faults. Or maybe they are a grade A jerk who hides it well until they seal the deal. Just like single parents should be wary of any childless person who is too eager to marry/move/move in quickly. They usually aren't the highest quality person around and usually have no home, no savings, no decent job, no career, are in debt, are generally a bit of a failure and quite possibly also unstable.

You really do need to think

You really do need to think things out a bit before you post about social groups with such broad strokes (Are you 11?) What you described is incorrect as to my hubs and myself. He didn't Need to be married for help with grown up kids and I wasn't financially destitute. In fact, quite the contractor. I was/am quite financially stable and even had a...house. Do you? LOL

My guess is this poster was

My guess is this poster was speaking in broad terms and not specifically about you which is allowed in these forums. Please be respectful on these forums. Thank you.

And I would ask the same.

And I would ask the same. Painting certain social demos in a nasty light is very disrespectful.

I think what the poster was

I think what the poster was referring to is the type of childless men who marry single mothers immediately and how those types of men are usually low quality and not going anywhere in life. Why would a high quality childless man marry or move in with a single mother with her kids quickly? A quality childless man would tread more carefully and get to know them for a more lengthy period of time first as he has much more to lose if things do not work out. I do not think the poster was referring to you nor you specifically.

That's not what I the

That's not what I the original poster meant. A divorced man with children rushing a single woman with no children into marriage is what I was saying. I think it's wrong to classify either of those demos as losers, as everyone is different. That said, I think most of us here know that a man or woman marrying someone else with children is taking a humongous risk, and the available research stats show that the odds aren't in one's favor.

Why anyone would move in with

Why anyone would move in with someone who has children without knowing them for at least a year is beyond me. It makes me wonder if this person is either unstable or is looking for someone to support them financially.

Usedtobeamajor, that's a

Usedtobeamajor, that's a pretty ignorant thing to say about someone you don't know-me. I came into the marriage in excellent financial standing and didn't "need" a husband. I didn't have a lot of exposure to his kids while dating and I was assured it didn't matter what they thought when I asked if we should ask their input as to our decision to be married. I guess that should've been a red flag. Think before you run your fingers!

I actually agree with your

I actually agree with your husband not to ask his kids for their input about you getting married. It's a decision for two people alone and whatever his children might think they need to keep it to themselves. Don't start a marriage by giving children any say in it. OTOH, I do think it's a red flag that you hardly knew them despite being together for quite some time. Was he hiding reality from you or did his children simply not occupy much space in his life at the time? Who knows?

Why they weren't around? A

Why they weren't around? A little bit of their own life had them busy and also he'd told me that they, driven by their mother/ex, ran his other wife and a girlfriend off. While I was glad that I didn't have them around much during the dating phase, I regret now that I wasn't around them a-lot to learn what I needed to know (could've saved me a lot of pain). I mistook his disinterest in their opinion as a strong trait, but I believe now that he didn't inquire of them because he didn't want them to mess up his plans--like they had before. I should've listened to that small voice inside me that told me something wasn't right about that.

sounds like not a nice

sounds like not a nice situtation to be in and you are clearly indicating you have realised it will never work,, may i ask what keeps you in this situtation? if you have have good financials, own a home what rushed you into being into this situation ?

Thank you Nappisan

Nappisan, thank you for the

Nappisan, thank you for the respectful tone. Why don't I leave? Probably for many of the same reasons others who come here to share similar feelings. Please see the fears in my original post.

Sometimes it helps to ask

Sometimes it helps to ask ourselves what makes us stay in these situations. Yes fear is a big part of it. Fear of being alone, yet we are alone while in these relationships, maybe not physcially but in all other aspects. It also helps to look within ourselves for the decisions we've been making by contuning to stay in these situations. Individual therapy (counselling) helped me tremendously. These types of relationships are very very difficult resulting in numerous conflicts of interest. More often than not love is not enough.

Missingme

I agree with the above often fear keeps you there. Fear of the unknown, of facing the world alone. But then you can see that in step life with a shitty DH and an entitled snot SD there is always the unknown, and you are facing the world alone. As lady Di once said "our marriage was a little bit crowded" how true is that. Better to be alone than alone in a dysfunctional marriage.

So very well said. I have a

So very well said. I have a feeling the new year holds change. Thanks so much for your input.

I know exactly what OP means

I know exactly what OP means by fear keeping you from making a change. For me it's fear that i will never find a relationship with the aspects of this one again. Fear that since we have come so far, even though there is still a sh!t-ton of bad that makes me question whether or not i am just an evil person and, according to my doctor, has aged me 25 years in the past 2, if i could just wait a little longer and change my attitude, this will all be worth it. When do you cut your losses and move on? When does perseverance make all the difference? I don't want to "be a quitter", or give up too soon. How do you know?!

Please consider leaving. It

Please consider leaving. It does not get better. Hopefully your new year will bring big positive changes for you that do not include steplife anymore.

It's a hopeless feeling when

It's a hopeless feeling when you realise that this is how it is and it will never get better. Can one live with it? Or leave? We could waste years trying to decide during which time the frustrations ebb and flow. Yes, fear holds us hostage, it is very powerful. Noone wants to be alone, but for me feeling lonely in a relationship is worse. Self doubt is our ego's main trick to keep us on our toes so questioning yourself also plays a part. I often feel that I have trust issues and maybe the problem is with me.

At what point do you assess the list and realise that the bad in the relationship is outweighing the good. I have been told as long a the ratio is 75%-25% good to bad, one should stay in the relationship. Let's hope the new year brings enlightenment.

I say Amen to points 5,6 &7

Tolerance of these things

Tolerance of these things once they are known is a choice.

As the adage states "Insanity us repeating the same things while expecting a different result."

Many with a history of a failed family, or several failed families, and failed family progeny are stuck in the insanity loop and seem hell bent on sucking new partners into the insanity.

The number of people who tolerate this crap is truly mind boggling.

Good luck. Take care of you.

1. We were raised differently

1. We were raised differently but we enjoy many things together

2z we don't share children but there is more in a relationship that works as a glue. I don't think people must share children to have that glue

3. if you don't want skids, don't marry men with kids. I didn't want young children so I'd only marry a man with grown kids or no kids and that's what I did

4. it doesn't matter if skids wanted me. I am not married to them

5. if he never had boundaries, it's a problem. Hopefully it's obvious before the wedding

6. there is no reason to associate whth trashy relatives if you don't want to

7. You not required to like or love skids. Decent treatment is good enough

8. if your DH doesn't put you first and allows ex to run the show, I'd say he might not be a good partner

9. I don't believe in wasting my life in "enduring" a relationship. If I feel that's what I am doing, I am out. I don't recommend you endure your marriage if you are unhappy. Life is too short

If you are unhappy, get out. I do understand it could be scary. But I'd say being unhappy in your marriage and waste years on misery is much scarier than leaving especially if you have no kids with him, there is no reason to endure anything. If you are financially stable and have a good life then there is really no reason to stick around. Plenty of other men out there

I think in most situations

I think in most situations when skids and ex are causing problems, the issue is not as much them as the husband. If he allows kids and ex to run the show and doesn't put his wife first, it will never work out

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When you realize it’ll never work