Cannot stand to be around 31 year old step daughter
Sorry if this gets long, but I've been holding things in for a very long time. I hate to vent to my DH because it hurts him.
My 31 year old stepdaughter literally drives me crazy and I cannot stand to be around her. It started when I began dating her dad 14 years ago. We married after dating for two years (never lived together) because I believe in marriage and setting the right example to my children. (I have two sons-ages 35 and 31 and a daughter 25. My boys are married with kids; my daughter is single) This girl has been trouble from day one. She is attention getting, loud, vulgar, self-centered, and makes every situation about herself. She would hug and kiss her dad almost as if he was a boyfriend. At the age of 19, she rubbed herself on top of him one time when we were at the beach. She ran out of the ocean and literally laid on top of him and joked that he was her towel. (this was in front of friends and other family members) I was in total shock. On the same trip, she came over to where he was laying on his stomach in a lounger by the pool, bent down with her butt in his face, and said, "hey dad-look!" When he put his head up, she pulled her bikini bottom down and mooned him within 3 inches of his face. Then ran to the pool and jumped in laughing. I was so appalled and asked him if he was going to let her get away with this behavior. He doesn't like confrontation and told me he would talk to her later on. (never did as far as I know). There have been numerous other times when she behaved inappropriately until she found a steady boyfriend, whom she married after dating 6 months. When she married her hubby, he seemed to be able to get her to settle down a little bit and I did better when I was around her. She was still very annoying and the center of attention, but the vulgarity and inappropriateness lessened. After a couple of years of marriage, she decided she wanted to get into fitness. She began going to the gym and worked out incessantly. This eventually led to her becoming a fitness trainer. Oh boy-now the narcissim begins! All she has done for the past four years is live for being in the gym. She is constantly posting photos of herself, videos of working out, bragging about her "pipes" and "kick ass legs". She brings her own food to family dinners (Christmas/Thanksgiving) and has to work out right after eating. It's all about her. Everyone sees it, but nothing is said. The only thing I ever hear her sister or dad say is: "That's just T***! She's always been this way!" (laugh laugh) While being a gym rat, she began an affair with another fitness freak and this eventually led to her up and walking out on her husband of 8 years and moving to Atlanta to live with her new love. Her husband had no idea and I'm not sure to this day if he knows she is living with this guy. She has stopped all communication with her father because he wrote her an email expressing his disapproval of her actions. She cried to her mom and my hubby's ex-wife chewed him out for not being supportive and for hurting her feelings. (The ex wife had multiple affairs while married to my hubby-left him to live with another man, and is still living with the loser guy after 12 years. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
My hubby and I are blocked from my SD's FB page-no loss to me-but it is hurting my hubby terribly. I am at the point where I do not want to ever see her, speak to, or interact with her again. She refuses to talk to her dad and knows it's hurting him. She will occasionally send him a text saying she's thinking of him and loves him, but will not have a conversation. She acts like a spoiled brat and I do not want any part of her in my life again. His other daughter is married, having a baby in July, and I get along with her great. She doesn't approve of her sister, but again, nobody ever says anything to the brat. How do I handle all of this without going completely bonkers? I know eventually she will want back in her daddy's life and will cry her way back to him. Thanks, anyone, for advice on what to do.
Following...
I have the same (yet different) issue going on with the 26SD and 30SD. I will be waiting and watching at the suggestion you get here. I don't want anything to do with either one of them either - - they have spent so much time trying to break up my marriage I have no desire to even hear their name. I do feel bad for their Dad but yet not sorry. I always told my husband that SD26 acted like they were married. She would sit on his lap, hold his hand, cling on him at social gatherings.blah, blah, blah It is really weird to watch. I have come to the conclustion that both of the SD's h have DADDEEE issues. They both need to sit down with a therapist and get some healthy boundaries defined in the least. Then deal with what I think are insecurities... What do I know other than I can't and won't be around them anymore. My SD's are more bitter and nasty in nature and I don't care to be treated worse than my ex treats me. LOL Hang in there! you are not alone!!
It's very unsettling to watch
It's very unsettling to watch. It feels unnatural to me and I've even seen people look at them when they act this way in a restaurant. It has gotten better with his older daughter. Both of the girls were very clingy to their daddy at an age where it should not be happening.
My OSD is similar, including
My OSD is similar, including the antics she does to get attention, displaying herself inappropriately, obsessed with her looks and fitness because she thinks it makes her look special. She's in her 40's, so don't expect your SD to grow out of it. Despite my OSD's poor behavior, she has plenty of "friends" to prop her up, think she is charming, and basically validate that she is wonderful.
She routinely punishes her father when he doesn't do what she wants. And the family just says "that's just how she is!" I told my DH that his tolerance for "how she is" is going to be much higher than mine. "How she is" implies that someone is not pleasant to be around.
All you can do is stay away and support your DH when he feels sad about how she turned out. A lot of parents in intact families have similar concerns where they are not happy with their child's actions. This one is not your child, so you stay far removed as possible. No dinners, no visits to your house, you don't visit her or fund anything.
Sounds exactly like my SO's
Sounds exactly like my SO's two daughters, especially his youngest. she flaunts herself on social media in her bikini and workout wear and is gross about it. She is proud of her "peach" and shows it off to the world giving herself kudos. She isn't really inappropriate with him physically but does send pics of herself to him daily when she's not giving him the silent treatment. odd to me. she definately craves men's attention though. It is obvious. and her boyfriend she is with now cannot respect her at all to let her act this way. you would think he would be embarrassed but then he is getting all the benefits of her "peach". ugh
i would honestly be very disturbed he didn't say anything to his daugher about her nasty behavior with him. huge red flag to promote such disturbing antics.
sounds like it's a familiar scenario with these toxic girls. his girls are punishers also. sad all around. the dads have no idea what hit them i guess. clueless to their princesses' insecure bratty behavior because they are never called out by the daddy who has no balls when it comes them. do not feel bad - relish in the absence and hope your DH will eventually too someday.
There are a couple of things
There are a couple of things at play first your H didn't address the inappropriate behavior (that's if he even thought there was one). Since he allowed it to go on and lines have been blurred and crossed SD doesn't see anything wrong with what she was doing. Everything has always been swept under the rug and her entitlement doesn't help so you can just imagine how this plays in the whole dynamic. You don't have to have her in your life. You can set boundaries and not be around her. If your H wants a relationship with her he can do so outside your home. If or when she ever reaches out he can reconnect but make it clear that you don't want that toxicity in your life. He may not like it but he should respect your wishes to not have to engage her.
I wish you well and I can only imagine how difficult this must be when you have a H that isn't confrontational and has his head in the sand.
I think I just needed to hear
I think I just needed to hear I don't have to be around her any longer. I can tell my H that he can see her whenever he wishes but leave me out of it. Thanks!
Tell him you support his
Tell him you support his relationship with his daughter, but she is an adult, not a child on a visitation plan to dad's house. So you would rather not be involved.
Think of yourself. Am in very
Think of yourself. Am in very similar situation expect Sdhas now moved to our area and trying to worm her way back into our children's and daddy's life after not wanting anything to do with us. (I have set firm bind arises and she is no longer welcome in our home - hubby and kids can see her when ever they like I just can't deal with her to it anymore and have now drawn a line.
Tak my advice and enjoy her not wanting to be around. Your husband will in time sort out how he deals with her. It's his daughter and his responsibility to make sure you are happy to in this situation. He will see how she is trying to manipulate everyone. She will always be like this attention seeking and manipulative. Have firm boundaries and try not to let her influence your relationship with you and hubby. Best of luck. You are not alone there are a lot of us with sd like this.
DH's lack of courage
I had the same problem with DH cowering when he should have said or done something to stop SD from being obnoxious. She was never sexual with him but they acted like they were a team, I was on the outside and was treated like dog doo. After a nasty meltdown I gave him the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. I also banned SD from our home until he could find the guts to tell her in front of me that she is to respect me as his wife. That was 8 years ago and he has never found the courage to do so. In the long run, it has worked out marvelously, and I do not have SD to contend with. He can visit her just about any time he wants but not here. Like your DH, my DH did this all to himself. No pity for self-inflicted wounds.
This is one of the grosser
This is one of the grosser posts I've seen on here...
Ask your DH wth is wrong with him for not being freaked out and then avoid the SD. If my SD was that old and acted like that I would have absolutely nothing to do with her. Actually, I'd have nothing to do with any adult that acted like that.
I feel very sorry that your
I feel very sorry that your SDs behaviour is so upsetting to you. I have an SD that behaves like she is my DHs world and that I am a second class citizen, which he can not see and refuses to acknowledge that any of her behaviour could be anything but angelic.
I struggle with disengaging because my DH suffers but I have to say that as time goes on it gets a bit easier.
My advice to you is be glad that she is not in your lives right now and rejoice in every moment you have without her, try to avoid any social situation where she will be and prepare yourself emotionally to support your DH when she wants back in, he will need it. That support however does not mean she enters your home or gets to be rude to you in anyway, if she is just leave. I am working on these things at the moment, it’s not easy, there is a bit of conflict with my DH and I but we are getting better at discussing the issues without argument (even with my menopause and high emotional state).
Good luck, you have my best thoughts
Ughhh
Be glad your SD is in the punishing phase. EMBRACE IT! I also hope your DH doesnt start resenting YOU that his bare a** princess is punishing him, somehow it always ends up our fault.
No words of wisdom here...just empathy....
I wonder how much of the DD's advances (baring her butt) was for your benefit, not his. These sick manipulative attention seeking dadddeee' s girls always have a plot and a twist. Again the coward daddy would never bring it up or raise issue. After all, their princess does no wrong. Rinse repeat. Its a shame when you saw the beach scene you could have said "Thats vulgar" and walked away.
Good luck to you. Lets hope she punishes him for a long time, and her latest lover is lavishing attention on her and keeps her busy.
What is wrong with these
What is wrong with these women? Unbelievable. At least she isn't mine by blood!!
When she put her bare ass in
When she put her bare ass in his face he should have smacked it so hard she fell on her face. That shit would not fly with me. She is an adult, she needs immediate and full consequences for her shit.
And daddy needs to be the primary conduit for extremely sever consequences.
Her life completely absent of character or any other redeeming quality makes her a write off IMHO. For you and for her father. In the case of your SD.. if I were her father... I would have a very close relationship with her XH and alienate SD completely.
Toxic people devoid of character are write offs IMHO. Regardless of who they may be.
Like Mother, Like Daughter, Unfortunately! SD's ALL PULL THE
"I'm not talking to daddy" card. It's called M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-O-N. Daddy doesn't play by princess's rules, then HE'S OUT, and cannot see the grandkids if/when there are anymore to be born.
It helps to know he does not approve of her up and leaving her husband of 8 years. You are right though, she will weave her way back in, and create a new set of rules for DAAAADDEEE to play by. (Think "good dog, here's a treat" mentality here.) It will be a never ending cycle until your DH puts his foot squarely up her ass and tells her is not willing to play her games. When or until that happens, you will always live with the disgusting dynamic a daughter-wife brings to your marriage.
My FIL was 86'd by BIL1 and
My FIL was 86'd by BIL1 and his Bovine Bride for some number of nefarious offenses when their eldest daughter was born. A letter showed up at my IL's home spouting about how he would never have a relationship with their children, would never be known as grandpa, would never hold his GKs, etc, etc, etc.... FIL wrote a letter to his BIL1 spawned grand children and sent that and the toxic letter purging him from the lives of his GKs to my wife both to be read to his GK's at the reading of his Will explaining to them that their parents are nasty, mean POS people.
Over the years since the arrival of the toxic letter from BIL1 and the BB there was a reconciliation and before he passed FIL and BIL1 had reconnected and FIL was accepted by BB and allowed to have a relationship with his BIL1 spawned GKs.
My wife did not roll out the letters when FIL passed but she does retain them .... just in case they are needed in the event of BIL1 and the BB going non linear at some time in the future necessitating giving their daughters clarity on the manipulative toxicity of their parents.
My guess is, the letters will find their way to the shredder at some point and the fantasy that BIL1 and the BB are reasonable people will be secure.... unless their toxicity resurfaces.
Right on target.
Right on target.
If this ever happened with
If this ever happened with SD10 1. I wouldn't be surprised (she acts like a miniwife sometimes) 2. her "falling out" with her dad is just that. with her dad.
I would feel bad for DH, but at the same time if he put up with it for so many years, he is bound to see some natural consequences/ramifications at some point. Personally, I wouldn't sweat it.