Follow up to Shutting Down
Firstly thanks to you all for the responses to my previouspost "Shutting Down". Munchkin is now almost a teenage, and is starting to push the boundaries. All normal stuff, nothing extreme, except in this messed up step world, small becomes big, nice people become ogres.
Last night I come home, just tired. I come home to Munchkin asking where the chocolate was that my brothers wife had given us for Easter.
She said she had gone through my purse looking for it. I freaked out inside, and just quietly asked her to please not go through my purse in the future.
All went well last night in the middle part. A lovely garden tending session, munchkin serenading me with the ukelele, showing me new songs she wants to learn and perfect. A delicious fresh caught salmon soup dinner.
Then the whole evening took a turn in the wrong direction. I dropped a water glass, was cleaning it up. munchkin and dh were in the other room, the living room. she was munching on the chocolate. she started popping those darn plastic bubble sheets they put on top. I was already frazzled and nervous from the weekend, and last Fridays munchkin crying session. I quietly ask her to please dont continue popping them. she continues popping them. I ask 3 more times and finally H asks her. She stops. sulks. stomps off to her room.
I ask H if I was out of line - she completely disregarded my request, ignored and I felt that was being disrespectful. his response was angry. "are you happy now, she went to her room, to go pop them."
went to bed. woke up. polite conversation. no hugs no goodbyes from munchkin, nor myself. just a quiet goodbye to H.
So the start of my disengagement journey begins. Little by little, I will begin to relinquish that need to be there for her. No more trips to salon. No more shopping for pads. No more Clove helping. Its funny, but the start to the evening was full of her explaining that she needed glasses to read her sheet music for orchestra. I offered my reading glasses, to try. H told her she needs to go to her mother, who has the insurance, per custody order. She explains her mother only pays attention to Toxic Feral now, shes told her she has blurry vision many times. But Fral has a tomach ache and its off to ER they go. So munchkin turns to me, with big eyes.
Well, there you go munchkin, keep lighting those fires on your Clove bridge. she probably never cared about me all this time, just was finding me useful. I knew this was possible. I have already had my heart broken so this isnt too bad. Ive already shed the tears. Been through the arguments about being disrespected. So this is not new territory. I do love the child, I wont freeze her out completely, simply withdraw myself and my extended helping hand. Its a bit mangled right now, anyway.
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Comments
Sorry to hear this is happening with Munchkin
But you seldom hear of a close and loving relationship between SM and skids. ESPECIALLY when the BM is not at room temperature.
Now StepDAD and skids is a different story because usually the BM has given him the "BM Stamp Of Approval" (TM) on his forehead plainly for skids to see.
Mother
is the crux of things, it seems. Step mothers have a harder time than the dads, because we are the "managers of the household" and thats where things get wonky.
I hate this phase
The whole "I hate you now drive me to the mall" phase. DS was oldest and started the valley of death earlier than normal. DH was all smug that his kids didn't have the 'tude.
OSS matured later and is going through it a bit later than YSS and not as fully. I don't know why but he's always functioned at a lower level (emotionally) than the other two. YSS hit the valley of death on his 15th birthday. Total 'tude and disregard, full of his rightness and ability to call the shots.
If you had a good relationship before, you will again. While I was going through it my mom used to mutter, "a jury of my peers would not convict me."
Just don't tell her you know she will get through this, as if this is a phase, because at that point they KNOW who they are and you don't understand, they are changing, they are totally different than you think, blah, blah, blah. DS was in high dudgeon when I made the mistake of saying out loud to him that I was looking forward to seeing my boy again when he got through all this. Thought I was being kind, but it set him off.
You will still have a good relationship with her when she's done being a teen.
(And get her the glasses. Set up the appointment. Make DH take her. Bill BM. She won't thank you now but she will bring it up in a decade about how she was grateful.)
Feral Eldest
was horrid. I still have PTSD from the experience of her, and hope its "just a phase". Hence the need for disengagement. I put the eyeglasses thing on H. Thats for him and Toxic Troll to work out (or not). In the meantime she can try different readers. He is responsble for med xpenses per custody order anyway.
Ugh, the glasses
True, you would get in trouble for interfering.
I watched DH and BM take three months after agreeing that YSS needed glasses (and barely passed an eye test for something) to get him an appointment. This after BM sent DH an article about how you wouldn't deny a kid glasses if he needed it so why deny a kid ADHD meds if he needs it, and how ADHD will be a lifetime affliction (yet the needing eyeglasses wasn't likened to an "affliction").
I forgot about the older ones never coming out the other end of the phase. Yup. Time to step away and watch from the sidelines. Or maybe a comfy lounge chair with an umbrella drink.
Munchkins eyes
She has been mentioning this to me, at least 3 or 4 times. Because in the past I have gotten things done. Advocated for her.
In this, my hands are tied, because Toxic Troll is supposed to have her covered with insurance, but H doesnt really know, since she lost her teaching job. He avoids all the health insurance discusions, due to not wanting munchkin to follow in Ferals Footsteps into the world of hypochondria.
I simply encouraged Munchkin to pester her mother more, "the squeaky wheel gets the oil". And mentioned to H that he should mention something to her, since she isnt working currently (shes on workmans comp, and does sidework cleaning homes).
Your DH is a jerk. You are
Your DH is a jerk. You are his partner. If the bubble wrap popping is annoying you, and you said so to Munchkin, he should have said, "Munchkin, you heard that it's annoying Clove, knock it off." And he shouldn't have done that just to fake supporting you, he should BE supporting you.
Teen skids can be a pain, but you have both DH and BM not making this any easier for you.
I know its a phase
Ive been here long enough to know its a teen phase thing. H and I are having issues right now. I think we are both on edge. All of us on edge.
The other side, is that perhaps she has been playing all sides all along. manipulating me to "get things done". trash talking me to mother and sister to play up to them. The naure and nurture are playing out before my eyes.
Yes, he did say something, but of course its my fault for being irritated. "shes just a kid having fun!"
Im typically strong willed and speak my mind. Im now in the minefield territory.
He pretended to support you -
He pretended to support you - he didn't really support you. Yes, she's just a kid having fun, but her fun is getting on your nerves. Your needs in that moment should have come first. He could have said, Munchkin, Clove isn't feeling great right now, please go pop your bubble wrap in your room. That would be a concerned husband and a loving father.
Yes, she's playing both sides, because that's what kids do when they have a mother like TT. Doesn't mean she doesn't really care about you, it just means you can't trust her and you can't count on a close relationship, at least not until she's an adult and you see which side she lands on.
Thank you
the next 5 years, one month and 6 days will be tough. If I make it that far. Walking away from it all, the entire 5 plus years looks tempting right now...!
Perhaps he isnt the right one. And this is a good indicator of future. The eldest didnt go well at all.
BTDT
I pulled away, similar to what you are doing, from SD19 when she was about 14-15. I also felt like I was being used for what she could get out of me, rather than having a genuine relationship. I just think it’s tweens/teens. Hormones, peer pressure. She’s probably just confused and not sure really what she should feel right now. Sometimes it still feels that way, but she talks to me about things going on at work/school, we have a tepid relationship but it’s cordial and friendly and she does have respect for me.
Your DH, on the other hand...he’s being a butthead. Does he unconsciously “blame” you for his failed relationship with his other children? I’m not saying it is any way shape or form any fault of yours...but are you becoming a bit of a scapegoat for his anger? Maybe he’s angry at himself?
Yes. To the blame shifting.
Yes, he has said it here and there, that if it werent for me, Piggy Feral Eldest would be living with him. In spite of the yelling and screaming to cllean, in spite of the accusations of abuse, the ER visits and pretend illnesses. There is that shdow over us, and I think that he is blame shifting, even though we both know it wouldnt work very well at all having her with us.
So, now he is afraid of losing the younger one. Its that visceral fear that he is unable to vocalise. He admits that we both need therapy, to talk it out neutrally. He looks down on Steptalk too, as I have mentioned the phychological things that we discourse about on this board. He thinks Im making problems where none exist.
Yep. Im sure that she will work through to the other side - we have always gotten along really well, but I am really needing to navigate this better. She tells me stories about her friends at school - some who are bratty acting - and I thik she feels above all that, somehow. Her peers vary, but her BFF is a nice gal with intact muslim family. Heres to hoping things dont go south. (lifts coffee mug)
That's hard. I think DH and
That's hard. I think DH and I have survived this because he has never blamed me for any of this, even though I was getting to the end of my rope with SS and the alienation, which led indirectly to SS not coming over anymore. I was frustrated for the 70th time with SS texting BM about how awful our house was, and DH finally took him home early from the weekend visit, and he didn't come back again for a long time. But he has never blamed me, in fact, he's thanked me for sticking with him through all of this.
Your DH needs to get his attitude straightened out - you have put up with a lot of stress that you could make disappear just by walking away. He should be grateful that you haven't. Yet.
That’s BS.
And I know he knows that; he can’t see his shortcomings as an effective father. Or the Troll he had kids with. And that all happened before you. If Feral hasn’t gone the way of the Troll, I’m sure you would have had a reasonably decent relationship. He doesn’t see it. Hopefully some counseling can help you both navigate his misplaced anger.
Blame-shifting
My DH is the king of blame-shifting. He gets rid of the emotions he doesn't want to deal with (of course the bad ones) by projecting them onto me. Don't go yell at or punish the skid for lying to your face, take out your anger and frustration on me. Revise history so that it was my fault it didn't go the way you like/you aren't to blame.
Okay, so what about your
Okay, so what about your husband? Of course you feel resentful because he does not have your back in any way.
Yes, but no
He does but he doesnt. He will say something to her, then feel bad, and harsh out on me, then be apologetic to her.
"Im sorry princess, that I have to say something to you!"
Lately its been like what we always see - the guilty parenting, and the attitude rewarded. I just see a trend happening now. And darn it - she was so freaking nice before!!!! I guess that gives her a free pass to be a jerk now.