Court Update
We went out to SS's state last weekend, DH and I were both so hopped on adrenaline that we did the entire drive in one shot- 20 hours on the road! Thank God, SS18, DS13 and DD11 were such troopers!
Sat on the road- Texted, called, Snapchatted, etc SS14 hoping that he would answer and want to spend Sunday with us. No reply. Don't know if BM blocked us from his phone.
Sun in town (about an hour from SS)- Called texted SS and BM. No answer. Gave deadline of 6 pm to call us and let us know SS is ok. Nothing, so we did a welfare check. SS texted DH and told him he wasn't talking to him on purpose and he was "done".
Monday- went to SS's basketball game. SS refused to look at us. DS went over to say hi to him (DS and SS have always gotten along really well). SS refused to even look as DS- DS was crushed, which considering the fact that my son was recently put on medication for depression and anxiety, had me fuming!!! When we were leaving SS was in the snack line. He saw us and took off running. Like we had the plague or something. Then later on FB we saw that he posted "I am 14, I can do what I want and say what I want" -- BM must be so proud.
Tues- Court. SS walked in and ran around the corner from us. He went in to talk to the judge for about 30 mins - no lawyers no parents. The judge then came out and said that the hearing is postponed. Based on the conversation he had with SS he is concerned and wants a GAL assigned. Court will reconvene at a later date. --- So basically a giant wasted trip.
We did enjoy Wed. and Thanksgiving with the rest of the family so that was the bright side to the trip. However, here is where I am sitting... We booked a cruise as a Christmas present to all the kids for spring break. This isn't a cheap trip. SS14's ticket price is over $1,000 plus airfare, shore excursions, swim suits that will need to be purchased, soda package, and other crap- we are looking at least $2800 for his portion. I don't want to pay a dime for an ungrateful little Sh!t. Dh is right there with me. The problem is, the last time we talked to him, about 3 weeks ago, he was excited and wanted to go. Everything was fine with him. I refuse to be seen as a piggy bank to SS though. We have until Dec. 4th to make changes to the cruise. We have given BM and him until Friday to decide if he wants to go.
Fun part about all that is, chances are , we won't be back in court before spring break. The custody arrangement now has him with us for spring break. So if he continues like this he is going to have to come out and sit around our house and face us for his spring break, because my kids spring break is what we would change the cruise dates to and that is the following week... so we won't be doing much spending since we have the trip the following week. Guess he will find out that actions have consequences soon!
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I'm hoping that the judge
I'm hoping that the judge wants a GAL because he sees VERY obvious signs of SS being PASed from your DH. If so, the GAL is probably so that someone can mediate what's going on without putting much weight on the words and actions of SS. To me it's obvious as he!! what's going on.
Best of luck justmakingthebest! Also good call on the cruise. An ungrateful snot doesn't need a crazy big trip. He's either part of the family and goes on family trips and is respectful. Or he's not. None of this inbetween s***.
I wouldn't want him to be
I wouldn't want him to be able to ruin everybody's gift. I would cancel his tickets and wait until the other shoe drops.
The judge wants a GAL because it's clear the kid is being damaged and manipulated by his mom. But a GAL can take six months up to a year to do a damn thing about anything.
Cancel his cruise arrangements
Because that's not going to happen and I would hate to see you all waste $2800 more on this kid. While I understand your concern about how BM will react to things, you're right, BM will spin it to be a rejection of him. But she will spin anything and everything to be a rejection of him because her goal is to ensure that there will not be a meaningful relationship between him and your DH and family.
I live with PAS, too, though my skids are local. It's AWFUL and it will rip you and your family apart, if you let it, so don't let it. Stop trying to anticipate what BM will do. Stop begging your SS to communicate and relate to you. Live your lives, and if SS doesn't want to participate, let that be on him. Your DH's job is not to convince this child to let him love him, and this kid can't let him love him, besides which, because if he does, he's hurting his mother. It's an impossible situation for the kid, and he's the only one who can get himself out of it.
You guys went back to court
You guys went back to court to get more time with ss right? Is DH supposed to have him for Spring break? Is that part of his current parenting time? If it is then it would be wise to hold ss's place even if he decides not to go, and by "he" it probably means that BM poisoned him against it.
If you drop his place and don't allow him to come on his visitation time it will look really bad in the eyes of the court. On the other hand if he does not visit his father on his fathers court ordered visitation time then it is contempt for BM which is worse. BM could be ordered to reimburse part of your legal fees and the cost of ss's portion of the vacation. Hopefully this won't happen but if it does ask for full reimbursement.
I know everyone is p*ssed but you have to continue to play the game or just give up now. You guys have come this far.
I agree that it would look
I agree that it would look bad. I was really hoping to talk to the GAL before we have to make a decision. Let them make the call on what to do.
Cancel his involvement in the
Cancel his involvement in the cruise. period. His behavior towards everyone should be clearly noted and he needs to have a clear signal that you don't get to crap all over everyone's heads and then still expect the benefits that come from being part of your family.
I don't think you need to announce his involvement is cancelled... if he continues on with his "I am done with you all" attitude.. then of course, he wouldn't want to go on a cruise with you. If he was putting on an act to somehow lash out or at the urging of his mother, he needs to learn that there are real and tangible consequences to treating people so poorly.. and not coming on the fun cruise is exactly the kind of thing that he can expect he won't be part of if he wants to play.. hot/cold with everyone's feelings.
So, cancel.. if he does (or his mother) asks about the cruise.. I would simply say that based on the communication from SS and the way he has treated everyone, that his father felt it best if he sat this vacation out. Of course, if SS wants to have a good, family relationship with everyone,.. he will be included on furture trips whenever possible but that he has to show his sincere interest in being part of the family and his recent actions clearly indicated he didn't want any parts of it. But.. THIS trip is off
Cruise are expensive
I would cancel his ticket. I would not want to be stuck on a ship with him ruining every one time. That Everything will about him not having fun. Once you paid for him you can not get your money back.
BM would be proud if he screws up your family time. Is BM upset that DH has moved on with out her. His life is great and her life is not. BM then would be happy if your trip, the one she wants to go on, went bad ????
I'm so sorry. I'm not
I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised - I figured it would go this way.
My SS(also 14 at the time) lied right to the judge in her chambers. This was after he told us he wanted to come live with us, and DH filed a petition to change custody. BM got her hooks in him and he lied at her request, I'm sure. Who knows what kind of bribery she offered. The report from the judge was scathing - how DH tried to alienate SS from his mother and "nearly succeeded".
The judge is appointing the GAL because SS told him he wants nothing to do with his father and made up a bunch of bullshit reasons why that is the case. This is classic PAS.
After that court date we had, DH wanted to file an appeal, and even his attorney told him that enough was enough. About 3 months after that, SS PAS'd out for good and we had little contact for over 3 years.
If your DH is going to fight this, I'd suggest he find a local attorney (where BM is) and just have the attorney go to court on his behalf. Unless this judge and GAL are incredibly enlightened about parental alienation, this is not going to go well. I felt like DH needed to give up to relieve the pressure on all of us, especially SS, who was being pressured by BM.
Again, I'm sorry. I know how painful this is. I have not really forgiven SS for lying to the judge, even though I get the pressure he was under. He's still a liar and he's been permanently damaged by BM's alienation campaign.
I'm sorry this was the result
I'm sorry this was the result of your court date - I really don't see anything good coming of this. Fingers crossed, though.
As for the cruise, I would change the dates no matter what BM and SS respond by Friday (if they respond at all) so that it is the week your kids have spring break. That will enable you to have SS for his spring break if he ends up coming. Give him something different for Christmas (something more in keeping with a kid who doesn't want to be part of your family). You will end up wasting a lot of money if you plan on SS being there. It gives too much power to BM and SS to spoil your plans, and even if SS goes, he may not want to be there and he'll ruin the trip for everyone. Protect yourselves by just planning the trip without him.