Help Stepkid has selective mutism
I have been married for 3 years now with my husband, we have a little baby and VA my stepdaugher, she is 7 years old and has selective mutism.
At the beggining I thought she was shy, but after a few months I realised something else was going on, I insisted in therapy for her, but her parents rejected the idea.
Now she is at school and they sent her to the psycholgist a few months ago.
She is not improving, she would not respond to a hello or what do you want to eat? This situation is very unpleasant.
She only speaks to her daddy or mother and grandmother. She also ignores the baby or other children.
I have no more patience on my own, the treatment is not working and as a SM I cannot do anything more.
What do you suggest?
thanks!!!
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I have no advice about her,
I have no advice about her, but maybe seek some counselling for yourself. I'm almost to this point due to sd13 being psycho and Dh suffering from PTSD related depression. Depression is not contagious, but the support network for the person dealing with it is very susceptible to falling victim themselves. I have anxiety and I feel myself just slipping with my current situation. Don't forget to help yourself.
Thank you!! Yes I have a
Thank you!!
Yes I have a counsellor and talks to her every 2 weeks (since 2 years ago), she really supports me but the case is difficult and I feel alone, on my own, since her BD and BM do not care about the treatment.
I have young patients with
I have young patients with this disorder. It's critical that the psych be well-versed in this condition. A consistent interactive approach between caregivers and teachers is key to implementing effective strategies. Sometimes a bit of medication helps to unlock that anxiety grip and move things along. I know it is frustrating to be on the receiving end of this!
thank you!! Yes, the
thank you!!
Yes, the treatment is not really working, the psych did not ever visit the school or interact with the parents, seems to go so slowly or in the wrong way.
I have suggested to consult other proffessional as you said an expert in Selective mutism, but her parents did not agree.
It is a pity that time is wasted and she gets not better.
SS7 is like this. He never
SS7 is like this. He never responds to me, ever. He often doesn't respond to DH but more of a 50% thing. He will talk non stop to a complete stranger.
I thought it was just me, but we ran into a good friend of BMs whom SS7 knows very well and he refused to respond to her when she was speaking to him.
He talks to BD8 and BD12 and SD12 no problem.
I don't know if its an actual mental problem or he is just a little jerk. I do know that after a few years of being completely ignored on my side that I don't really engage myself in conversation with him ever now. So we just ride in silence if I pick him up or walk around in silence if we are in the house. I don't speak directly to him much anymore - it aggrevates me to be ignored when I speak to him so I just stopped putting myself in the position to feel disrespected.
I only speak to him for things that don't require a response like, Dinner is ready go wash your hands or Let's go we have to pick up such and such.
thank you for your
thank you for your response.
Yes, I do understand what you feel. The silence, the non visual contact, is really disrespectul.
When I ask her to wash her hands or do anything else, she would not respond and do nothing as well. Then her parent talk to her, say the same thing and she responds.
I have visited her pshyc and she says it will take a couple of years of treatment to modify any conduct.
I feel frustrated and being in the middle with no real authority for making decisions is not easy.
On your side, SS7 seems to have selective mutism. How is SS7 at school? Does he talk or answer to the teachers? and how does SS7 get along with other kids?
Wish you good luck and we can share more experiences on how to deal with this kids.
When I do ask SS7 to do
When I do ask SS7 to do something with a command that doesn't require a response like, go wash your hands - its hit and miss if he ignores me or does what I ask.
Here is another example which is why I have shut down myself:
SS7: What time is it?
SM: 5:00
SS7: What time is it?
SM: Still 5:00
SS7: DADDEE, What time is it?
DH: 5:00
SS7: OK
How does he do in school?
- Well last year his teacher sent emails home weekly at least if not more frequent asking for help. He acts out in class, talks to others, doesn't stop when asked to stop behaviours that aren't allowed, verbally hurts others feelings, destroys others things. The classroom had a gree\yellow\red light system, he rarely got a 5 day green - almost always yellow and red with bad notes attached from the teacher. I think she gave up towards the end since the parents only came to his defense. DH even once said, he didn't like the teacher that she was out to get him (along with me and every other caregiver I guess sigh)
How does he do with the siblings?
Well with SD12 - she is his mini-mother. When with BM, BM is lazy - she makes SD12 do everything for SS7 including feed him a lot of the time. SD12 is BMs slave to cater to SS7. So here in this house is often will go to SD12 even over DH for things because, she is his mother.
BD8 - well when we got together in our house, BD was 5, SS was 4. He bullied her to the point where I thought I was going to have to move out. BD5 used to burst into tears when I picked her up from school after finding out SS4 was going to be there. Since DH wouldn't do anything I finally told BD5 to matters into her own hands since she was bigger and next time he physically bullied her to take a few rounds out of him and make it count. She decided to just remove herself from the situation and refused to play with him. Since he doesn't like to anything alone ever - he didn't like that now its her way or no way (3 years later)
BD12 - oil and water. At first BD12 was so excited to have a little brother - she did everything for him. Then he stabbed her in the back by telling lies to BM saying she was hurting him and mean to him. SD told DH it was all lies and that none of it was true. BD decided then and there that she would have nothing further to do with him on her own and she hasn't really since.
How does he do with DH?
He is stuffed up DHs butt as far as he can be. He demands 1000% attention to the point that I think DH forgets SD even exists most of the time. If DH tries to engage anyone other than SS7 he acts out or acts like a baby to regain the attention from DH. I notice Sd doesn't even really bother to try to get any attention anymore nor does anyone else me included. If we aren't doing anything fun or eating out on the weekend, he asks constantly what time it is so that he can judge how much longer until he goes back to his mothers. Keep in mind the skids are here 50% of the time (3-4 days each week) so its not like he is an EOW skid.
How does he do with BM?
BM walks on water. Despite being here 50% of the time, SS7 only wants to be at BMs. He sleeps with her in her bed so he can't sleep worth crap here, she does nothing but eat and watch TV - SS7's favorite things which we do very little of either here (well we eat but not junk and we eat at the table not in front of the TV) We don't even have cable TV so without electronic entertainment SS is at a loss. When the power went out here a little while back, he started wailing he wanted to go to Mami's house because her TV worked and he sobbed until the power came back on. When he talks to BM on the phone, he will spend the rest of the night here sobbing off and on saying he wants his Mami.
How does he do with me?
I don't exist. He never ever makes eye contact with me ever. He hides, sneaks and lies. He is unresponsive always as if I am not in the room or he can't hear me. Just yesterday he went by me with a towel and I said have fun in the pool - he just slammed the door in my face. If he is climbing on the counters in the kitchen and I ask him if I can help him with something he turns his back and gets down and leaves the room without saying or even getting whatever it was he was looking for. If i press him to respond to me he will YELL his answer at me which is usually a YES, NO or NOTHING screamed at me. I choose silence. I have put myself in the position to spend as little alone time with him as possible - some time is ineveitable since I have to pick him up from after school care because DH can't make it in time. As of this week - he gets home, ignores me when I remind him to do his homework and calls BM - he stays on the phone with her until he hears the garage door and DH is home from work.
Sorry for the rant - I am just so done. I don't know if he has a mental issue or he is just a jerk - but as long as DH refuses to get him to see anyone - he is a jerk.
@gaviota.. I did a little
@gaviota..
I did a little research on this selective mutism - very interesting. I have tried in the past to have DH take SS in (about 2 years back) to get him tested for autism and such - he is social which sort of throws a curve into that diagnosis though. DH has refused and I stopped trying.
I read that this selective mutism is often mistaken for autism. I find that interesting. As well it says its an anxiety disorder. I can easily say SS7 has issues in that area. The crying after talking to BM, the panic in being late to go to BMs or school. This year already DH has had SS7 meltdown twice after being dropped at school - the last time he said he was upset he left his water bottle in the truck but its way more than that and DH refuses to see that. What 7 year old melts down on the steps of the school for forgetting his water bottle which he often never remembers anyway? SS7 has a very unhealthy attachment to his Mami in my personal observation for his age and a very odd detatchment from DH in many ways.
Its a shame I can't bring the topic up with DH - I am going to do more reading on this one just for my own well being.
I hate being silent with SS7 - its only leading to bigger problems as the months go by but I am at a total loss and not engaging him is the only way I have been able to keep my own sanity.
difficult case, I guess SS7
difficult case, I guess SS7 is having some anger issues, he is aggresive, (in my point of view). You can tell by the situation in the class with other peers or at home.
A starting point would be talking to the teacher, can you do that?
May be she can recomend a therapy, psych or any other treatment.
I am not a proffesional but it is clear this kid needs help, and ASAP.
You can also go to a counsellor to talk to someone who can deeply understand your case and give some advice.
Many people told me if you do not care about getting an answer finalle she will respond, it did not happen.
So I keep talking to her and no matter what she does, even I feel frustrated or disrespected.
Wish you good luck and keep in touch if you need to share your feelings
All the best