How do I deal?
My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 2. We have 7 children between the two of us. One together. The issue is with his now 19 year old daughter. She uses any opportunity to be rude to me, flip me off, lashes out, breaks rules we have for our home, etc. She was supposed to graduate last year, but had failed one class every year of high school, so entering into the second semester of her super senior year, she still needs 6 credits to graduate. A little back story, she was diagnosed with a form of epilepsy, ADHD, and select mutism. She's definitely not got the maturity of a 19yo. She refuses to speak at all if I'm home. (Although you can hear her singing in the shower and laughing in her bedroom) She still sees BM every other Sunday and always comes home with a horrendous attitude. Examples: intentionally breaking rules, banging on walls, slamming doors, hitting the floor, stomping through the house. I'm at my wits end with this. Her BM and D have always treated her like a baby and that's how she acts. I refuse to do that. She needs to be held accountable. D has never disciplined her, besides an occasional calm conversation with her. We have an 11 year old together and I am afraid that her SS behavior is negatively affecting her. My husband has looked into group homes, but nothing has come from it. I know if she remains here, things will just get worse. How do I deal?
Well how I would deal with it
Well how I would deal with it is "you're 19 and I'm no longer legally obligated to put up with your bs so shape up, or get out. You can go to your moms or wherever else you'd like but your attitude stinks, I'm not putting up with it and if you change your attitude I'm also not taking care of you for the rest of your life so you're gonna need a job and/or college asap if you want to stay here"
You have a talk
How you deal with it is two-pronged approach:
1. Have a huge heart to heart with bio dad. He is failing her as a parent, this needs to be addressed. She needs a timeline to launch because you will discontinue any and all support. Unfortuneately she did not graduate in a timely manner but that is not your problem. Line up the cconsequences.
2. Address here behavior each and every time. Sit her down and discuss how her behavior will need to change. Does she at least have a job? When is she moving out? Let her know that you will discontinue your support. And line up consequences.
No job. She receives SSDI.
No job. She receives SSDI. Have had numerous conversations with her and my husband. It'll be fine for a couple days then back to the same stuff.
Give your spouse a timeline
Give your spouse a timeline and let him know that he and his precious poopsie will have to move out into an apartment if he can't parent her properly. Tell him you will not live like this any longer.
I would also set up cameras in the common areas and capture her antics for your own protection. Then, let your spouse know that if this harpie comes for you, you're calling 911 and letting the authorities deal with her.
I agree with what everyone
I agree with what everyone else has said so far. I love timelines and deadlines. Put a date on it. If she needs a supervised or therapeutic environment, give your DH a deadline for setting up appointments to get her into one.
If she is on SSD
There are serious mental health problems. You should be see someone to cope with SD. She is not going to change. You have to cope. You must get her out of your home. Either her own apartment or group home.
Time for DH to hear that it
Time for DH to hear that it is either her or his marriage. See how he likes the throught of being on the hook for a shit ton of CS for the better part of a decade for your young joint child.
Time for SD-19 to be gone. She is on SSDI so supporting her is not an issue. Get her in a group home and let them deal with her. She needs to be out so the rest of the herd, including you and DH, can thrive.
Buh-bye toxic Skid. And... good riddance.
Special needs or not.
She does not trump the best interests of the 8 other people in the family.
You said that your DH looked
You said that your DH looked into group homes but that nothing came of it... why? What was he looking for, hoping for?
Pretty sure he just thought
Pretty sure he just thought it was too costly. She doesn't get a significant amount of SSDI because he is still receiving CS from BM.
He needs to take a closer
He needs to take a closer look. Where I live there are state and local subsidies (specifically for group homes) whyand the amount left for the parents to pay depends on their income. Yes, the daily cost is scary but nobody has to cover that entirely. It would be a shame to let his daughter suffer just because he gave up at the first step.
SD is disabled
She should get SSDI forever with medical. Your problem is with your DH. so stop blaming your SD. [. NOTE; Seems like a lot of SO problems,, are address to SK problems.. IF SD is disrespectful, it's up to DH, the parent to address the problem. And a proper action is taken. A proper punishment, what hurts the most for that person. No cell phone for X days ].
'DH should be doing something, SD should be getting mental health treatments. Sad either behaves or stays in her room. But stop blaming SD