Go Away. (catty vent-fest, language)
WHY can't she just fade away into the night like a good little BM?
Please, BM, quit commenting on my SO's financial business. I know you still have joint accounts but the amount he spends at 7-11 is no longer your to comment on. And quit asking him to borrow money - you have a fucking boyfriend.
WHY can't her presence vacate this house that I might conceivably end up moving in to?
Please, SO, keep making your house your own. I know she picked out most of the stuff in in there and you don't have the money to replace it. I'll fall asleep with you, wrestle with your son on this couch you bought with her. But please, either make her take her damn elliptical out of the front yard or put it on Craigslist. It's been there for 3 fucking months.
Also (sincerely) thank you, dear SO, for remembering to lock the doors when we're in bed. I know BM doesn't have any boundaries and I appreciate that you recognize that I needed her to not be able to come in whenever she decides it's fucking necessary.
WHY do all of these little reminders have to bother me so much?
Please, SO, stop hesitating to throw this old stuff away. Sexy pictures of your ex-wife just don't fly as artistic expression alone. Take some sexy pictures of me instead. Hold on to all the FB family shit if you must - good memories are worth keeping for your son. But why do you need to keep reminders of the intimacy you shared? She has been gone more than long enough that she certainly won't miss anything she's left behind in your home. If you see something of hers, put it in a box and GIVE IT TO HER or fucking toss it out.
Dear SO, I appreciate you, I do my best to build you up, I never put you down, and I do my best to be understanding of the things one finds in a house two people shared for over a decade. I am trying. But I need you to stop being married to her - it might still be de jure, but it's not fucking de facto.
WHY does the past have to hurt my SO so much?
Please, BM, detangle your claws from my SO's brain. He is a wonderful father and partner, worked his ass off to build a home for you and your son, and you chose to throw it away. You never deserved his devotion. You pushed him away, made him feel like shit, betrayed his trust, and betrayed your home. Release him and find your fucking peace.
WHY do skids get a free pass on shitty behavior?
Please, SO, tell your kid that it's not nice to assume that the bag of candy and the gatorade I bought exists for him alone. I meant it to SHARE. And let him know that thank yous are always appropriate, especially during the holidays, and that it's not nice to spit out food that someone else cooked for him. I'm not attacking you when I bring this up, but just because he's 7 doesn't mean it's too early to teach some fucking manners.
WHY do I feel like an asshole sometimes when I stand up for myself?
Please, SO, don't make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I share my feelings. It's hard to tell sometimes if I am asking too much of you or if I am well within my rights. I'm careful to take your feelings and your son's best interests into account before I do. I want and deserve a full partner, children of my own, and a home where I feel safe and have some level of influence. It's only natural for me to think about that possible future with you, even though it's early. Women are always sizing up their SOs for the future. I know that it hurts when we talk about some of this, and I'm sorry for that. You haven't asked me to stop bringing things up when they bother me, but it's hard to be so fucking careful.
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Um why in the hell do they
Um why in the hell do they still have joint accounts?
I cannot think of one single
I cannot think of one single legit reason that he still has joint accounts with her that he uses, unless he isn't done with her.
Yeah, they're still married.
Yeah, they're still married. They just filed their last tax return together. SO says that he'll stop using that account she was looking at (it's the one his payroll checks go into) and start a new one when he gets his bonus next month. No mention of shutting it down. He admitted that he has no idea how the bills are all set up, even though they've all come out of his income. Well, I suppose he's just going to have to sit down and figure all that out.
Hell no, I'm not going to move in with things as they are. My lease is up in June and I'm signing on for another year. I decided before I met SO that I'm not living with anyone again unless I'm engaged. And I wouldn't agree to get married without some counseling first to make sure we have the same expectations.
I bring things up when they bother me, and my SO does listen. He is still in the middle of "spring cleaning" his life. The last time we spoke I realized, though, that he's just never had a breakup before - not a serious one. And neither has she! He got together with BM at 22 years old and they stayed together until she decided to leave (and he fought for her, too). I guess he's still learning how to do this the healthy way.
I think I might wait to bring anything else up until the divorce is final in the next month or two (knock on wood). They're using some discount law service and SO's lawyer has been coming up with every reason to drag his feet and try to use up the retainer. It's hard to be patient, but at least after that I can say "You are divorced! Time to start acting like it!"
You've got a good point. I'm
You've got a good point. I'm still trying to figure out just how invested he still is. I don't believe he would want to go back to her, even if she did dump her boyfriend and push for it. He says little things that indicate relief that she is gone. But yeah, you're right, this chapter isn't closed.
^^This^^ Oh, wow, it's nearly
^^This^^
Oh, wow, it's nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship when you've got one foot in one door and the other in another...
OP, PLEASE think long and hard about this.
I'm divorced. My DH is divorced. In BOTH cases, EVERYTHING joint was split at time of separation. NO joint bank accounts. Hell, even the houses got sold so there were NO further entanglements.
How long have you been with him?
I don't want to discourage
I don't want to discourage you and I don't want to insinuate that your SO won't do things as he says he will, but, I had a similar situation with my SO. And he hardly ever did what he said he would.
He had a joint bank account, joint cell phone account, joint nearly everything with GUBM. It took him over a year and a half after we got together to eliminate the bulk of it from his life. All the while? He kept telling me that he would do it when he got X, Y, or Z. "I'll get my own bank account/cell phone/etc. as soon as I get my tax refund/end of year bonus/a magical unicorn that poops bacon." It's all taken care of now, but, it took an exorbitant amount of time, IMO. If you're going to start a life with someone new, you need to detach yourself from the ex.
LMAO did your dh ever find
LMAO did your dh ever find the magical unicorn that poops bacon?? Im so stealing this dont know where im going to use it but i will.. you made my day
I WISH! I would give anything
I WISH! I would give anything for a magical unicorn that poops bacon. Especially maple bacon.
LOL! Can I have a magical
LOL! Can I have a magical unicorn that poops bacon? Mmmmm... bacon...
The man is still in love with
The man is still in love with his wife. He's only getting a divorce because she wants out.
Why hasn't he changed the locks? Why are her pictures still up?
This man isn't ready for a new relationship.
I don't believe he's still in
I don't believe he's still in love with her. He's in love with the idea of marriage, with the desire to keep a stable home for his son, and he feels like a failure for not fixing that broken woman he married.
BM doesn't have a key to the house. The doors are always unlocked, and SO's friends all know that they are welcome to come in. It is what has been normal for over a decade, and now that is changing.
"desire to keep a stable home
"desire to keep a stable home for his son, and he feels like a failure for not fixing that broken woman he married."
This is going to cause you more trouble than you can imagine. His feelings of failure is going to influence the way he deals with you, the way his kid deals with you and your ability to build another life with him. Until he realizes that she is not his problem and the marriage breaking up wasn't a sign of failure on his part, he will not be able to be fully present in another relationship.
I know this may sound like I'm trying to put a black and white spin on a gray situation, but it isn't gray. You can't love someone else until you love yourself and if he's feeling guilty and like a failure, he can't love himself very much.
Forget the joint account, the ellipitcal, the pictures and everything else. He is still mourning the death of the life he thought he would have. He is not ready to start another.
You don't necessarily need to leave, but tread VERY, VERY carefully.
FDH and whatshername were
FDH and whatshername were married for 20 years. They lived in the house that we now share for 8 years and there are often things that surface, like when we got our new washing machine last week. FDH commented about the number of ponytail holders behind the washing machine. I looked at the pile and most of them were not the kind I use. I told him that, he looked sheepish, but that's the kind of stuff that is to be expected.
Or the random bottles of seasonings in the cabinet that have the dates written on the lids in her handwritting. I get the concept, but genius only put the month and day, not the year, on the lids. Not sure what the purposes was, I'd be more concered about how many years it's been in there, not how many weeks, but what do I know? Oh, yeah, I know how to cook. She could never be bothered to. Tough when you're a stay at home mom whose kids are in daycare. Where does the time go?
Some things are going to surface and it will take awhile for him to make the house "his." But it doesn't seem like those things are the issue from some of your comments. If it's really just the furnishings, etc, then fine. It's annoying but it will resolve itself. If it's more than that, though, you need to proceed with serious caution.
I would suggest some
I would suggest some counseling sessions now at the begining of the relationship and the end of the divorce. They could quite possibly help him let go and move on faster than just letting him stumble around looking for the exit
I like that idea a lot - in
I like that idea a lot - in fact, I think both he and his son could benefit from some counseling.
It's more a case of piles of
It's more a case of piles of crap (toys, papers, tools, and miscellanea) that have just never been picked up and dealt with. The piles have just been moving around from room to room for years and never (or rarely) gone through. Whenever he goes through one of these piles (he's been in a cleaning mood lately) he sorts it, puts the toys away, obvious trash in the bag, and the remainder (about half the pile) ends up left for another time because he doesn't want to deal with either finding places for it to go or throwing it out. There's the occasional BM related find in these, and these things generally end up surfacing in some other pile instead of finding their way out of the house.
SO is keeping the marital home, BM left all the furniture. SO doesn't want to keep it, but he doesn't have the cash to replace these things yet. He's doing little things as he can to reclaim the house and make it how he wants it, but it's slow going.