still here, still on the merry go round...
Hi all,
It's been a while since I blogged , but basically my situation is, been with Fiance 7yrs, lived together for 4ys, SS17 came to live with us in mid 2008.In December 2010 we got engaged. We've had alot of issues that
many step families face- divided loyalties, resentment, discipline and many arguments. Last year I had a huge falling out with SS, something simple, I asked him to clean his bathroom and got the "why don't you just f#%k off and do it yourself"," you're a f#%ken woman, it's your job" "I f*&ken hate you"...this was all said right in front of my fiance . The worst thing is that he didn't do anything, stood there and mildly scolded his son and told him to apologise. I was furious, hurt, angry ,I wished many evil thing son that kid that day. I was so disappointed at how my fiance handled the situation and other numerous situations over the years. I didn't talk to SS for 3-4 months. Bad I know, but the his very presence repulsed me and not talking to him was the most remedial way to cope with such disrespect.
My fiance argue of the same issues,involving his lazy,unmotivated son. The worst thing is I'm always told by my fiance " that I can't adapt to his and his sons life"...wtf..this this kid is 17, why should I have to adapt to anything. I do lots in the home,wash, cook, clean -but since that incidenT I have stopped doing many domestic chores for that kid.
Now, I am 34ys and I feel stuck. I don't have children of my own yet and being a mother is something I want to experiece, but I am filled with doubt about the whole situation and to be honest, in many ways I wish I had never got involved with a divorced man with a child. My sister got married at Xmas-she is younger than me and she is so truley happy , loved completely by her husband and enjoying the newlywed bliss between two people.
There have been so many issues in my relationship and my fiance always tells me it's me with the problem , as I can't adapt to the situation. I love this man , he is 42ys , not getting any younger.
So here I am , in limbo land , will getting married and having a child of our own make things better. Will it re direct my fiance's priorities make things better or will I always have this nagging feeling of doubt inside me.
BM is as useless as they come- bi polar and a million other issues, so there is no shared load of parenting.
From anyone from who has been in limbo land and what they decided in the end,any advice would be appreciated.
Cheers!
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Comments
He doesn't stand up for you
He doesn't stand up for you even in the face of such blatant, aggressive, disgusting disrespect and he tells you that the problem is you because you can't adapt? Honey, you know the answer. No, he's not going to change if you get married. He's not going to change if you two have a child. He sees you as the problem and no matter how old his son gets, he will always see you as the problem.
There is no way I would be living in a house with someone that looked at me as a "you're the woman, effing pick up, clean up after me - wait on me b^&ch." Particularly not a minor in a house where I'm contributing and not when that minor's parent is not putting him in his place on that absolute BS in a nanosecond.
This is not for you to adapt to unless you have a desire to become the house doormat. If your FH doesn't see the issues he and his kid are causing (and obviously he doesn't) and refuses to see them, then I hate to say it, but it's Never going to change, not even when (well, if) your SS moves out. If you can live with that, that's one thing, if you can't, then leaving may be the only real option to live a fulfilling life.
Said it all. And it doesn't
Said it all.
And it doesn't make you a bad person for not talking to an ungrateful shit of a teenage SS.
If anyone living in my house said half of what he said I would've been arrested for assault.
Thanks for your advice I
Thanks for your advice
I guess for a long time I have been come to the fact that I am the one with the problem- I could be nicer, softer. more caring and all the other guilty feelings that come with the territory.Everyime I either argue with SS or FH, I start thinking that it's my fault and if I just change it will all be ok.But , honestly , I think I'm a pretty decent woman and I know that I have a good heart and alot of the feelings and emotions I experience have only come out in this situation.
But , I know that I have to make some big decisions and ultimatley think about my own happiness, just as FH thinks about the happiness and needs of his son and himself. He has always suffered from "guilty daddy" syndrome, so that's been half the battle.
I wish it wasn't this hard
You are not the one with the
You are not the one with the problem here. You are not the house maid and for ANYONE to speak to you like that much less someone you've been taking care of is totally, 100% Beyond unacceptable. The nicer, softer, more caring you get with these two, the more they will take advantage, tell you it's all your fault, berate you, disrespect you and generally abuse you. Because that's what your SS did - he abused you and his father not watched it happen but did nothing to stop it or really correct it.
Find a therapist, keep talking here, lean on a friend you can really trust - you are not the problem and you can not fix this problem. The problem is that they both seem to see you as less than they are and that will not change until they get a pretty hefty reality check, if it ever happens, many times it does not.
It is hard, it is heartbreaking to realize that things have reached this point, that someone you love could really tolerate this behavior toward you, to realize that love is not always enough and sometimes guilt for these guys is a Hell of a lot stronger than love.
Please do think about your own happiness and needs and Yes, Wants! (this does not make you a bad person!!) It's going to be hard and I'm so sorry you're in this position. (((Hugs))) Best of luck.
I thought women were smarter
I thought women were smarter these days and that having a baby to try and fix a situation was wildly know to be the most stupid idea a woman could have. Do not have a baby it will make everything worse and the newborn will suffer for it.
Do not stay with a man who allows his kids to talk to you like that, sure you are 34 and you feel your biological ticking loudly inside, but bringing a child into this, giving her ss for a sibling I cannot think of anything more unfair to a child. You are 34, leave and leave now before you turn around and find yourself still on steptalk, but saying I am 44, 54, 64, the years fly quickly and you deserve to spend them with someone who treats you with respect.