I'm angry and resentful all the time....how can I change these feelings
Hi,
I think I need some advice. My partner and I recently went away on a romantic holiday and it was wonderful and relaxing and we had a great time.
The past year has been very stressful, especially for me as my b/f son (14yrs) suddenly came to permanently live with us.It's been a massive adjustment so I thought a lovely holiday would be the perfect thing we needed in our relationship.And it was.Until we got home and reality began to kick in once again.
I feel the resentment and anger toward my ss14 and I constantly feel tense and anxious again.
I don't know how to change these feelings I have towards this child but I literally fill with
hate and anger whenever he is around.I 'm angry because he came and disrupted our perfectly healthy realtionship and now it will never be the same between my partner and I. I want to marry this man and I love him to bits , but I absolutely resent his son. I have a big wall up between his son and I for some reason I prefer it like that. My partner hates it and often says he loves me so much but wishes his son and i got along better. I know its probably more my fault that I don't get along all that well with this child and sometimes I feel guilty and want to change how I feel but I just don't know how to get past this anger and move on with my partner and start our lives together. Will this ever change or am I destined to continually feel this resentment and anger inside of me. I can't change the fact that this child is always going to be in my house and even though I can say I have "accepted it", I really haven't as I always hope he will go back and live with his mother, so my partner and I can move on. I hate this kid for changing my life, I hate this kid for taking away my patner and his attention to me, I hate him eating my food, I hate his bio mother, I resent my partner for deciding to allow his son to come and live with us when we were well and truly in a serious relationsip,was I not enough to keep him happy that he
needed to invite his child to come live with us,I'm angry because I have share the man I love with someone else whom I don't have any love history or bond with...I'm just down right frickin angry.
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I WAS THAT WAY ONCE AND
I WAS THAT WAY ONCE AND LEARNED IT WAS JEALOUS.HOW CAN YOU LOVE HIM AND NOT HIS KIDS. I FELT LIKE IT WAS HIS EX LIVING WITH US AND I DISLIKE THAT BITCH.. BUT IF YOU LOVE HIM THEN GET TO KNOW HIS BAD ASS SON.. LOL.. YOU CAN DO IT.
We've all felt it.
Good for you for being so honest about how you feel.
We used to talk about disengaging a lot (I guess we still do) but I have a different theory these days.
Ok, it's nothing new and its not rocket science, but I think we misdirect our anger at our skids. Its really our husbands/partners we're angry at isn't it? For not acknowledging the changes we've made, the crap we have gone through and way we have suffered financially, emotionally etc. And the resentment just eats us up.
My suggestion is you see a counsellor to help you list all the things you are angry/resentful about, and then get your husband to go to your counsellor with you so you can communicate these things to him in a way that he can understand and acknowledge your feelings. Not to necessarily agree with you, but to acknowledge your feelings and the sacrifices you have made, and to discuss how to make changes to how you deal with situations as a couple so that you feel more heard. If you can do it without a counsellor, then even better.
WARNING: Be prepared for the fact HE may have a list too. Can you listen to his side without being defensive? Of course you can. Remember - acknowledge the other person and move forward to finding better ways of dealing with things.
I have just two more points to make.
1. I have never met a 14 year old boy that I like (even my own). All teenagers are horridible. Its compulsory. Give him a break, he's not going anywhere anytime soon (no really, he's not going to magically disappear and if he did, your husband would be miserable). Give yourself a break, it's ok to not feel warm fuzzies for him from day one.
2. My husband and I have had to do this over and over as new stuff comes up, and sometimes to go over old ground. If this works for you then tell us all how you did it, because I still have to work on it every day.
You asked things will ever change? The answer is no, not unless you do something differently.
Simple Thought - Maybe It Will Help
Every day - at the end of the day - Force yourself to find one redeeming quality about the kid. (The way he laughs like his Dad, the way he actually took out the trash - something - anything) and write it down privately somewhere. Then pray/wish for him to find the peace and love.
If you do this for a month I promise it help to soften your resentment and see him more as a person and more than the just reason for your problems.
Angel77
you are not alone i feel the same way about skids...... and i know it's more me than anyone or anything else...and jealousy, of course. i just hate their existence........
finding the redeeming quality will be very hard, b/c i hate everything about them........ i can't wait to see more advice on this one, i truly need it, too....
yes, i love dh and hate that i can't love his ass gnats and be a happy sm --- even though, i know i'm wrong i can't help that switch that triggers when skids are around --- i don't know how you handle ss full time......
Give yourself a break
It is going to take time to accept him. But, you have to remember as I do with mine, that they (our spouses) had these kids before we came along and they have a priority to them first. It is hard to realize that, but we have to.
At least he is a teenager and their is light at the end of the tunnel. Better than a toddler with more maintenance and more years ahead of parenting. Just try to get to know the kid a little bit and maybe you can come to some happy medium.