So SS finally moved in with BM....Honestly i never thought this day would come and i still don't believe it, it feels like i am dreaming, tha'ts the one wish i have had for so long and i can't believe it has come true. BM had been refusing to pay CS or take in her one and only child for so long I don't know if God has given her a change of heart, but i  worry the arrangement might not last long, knowing BM, she just might come up with excuses of why she can't live with her son anymore or start problems somehow or demand things. Its been a week now and so far all has been quiet and peaceful, except mother in law is still around its been 5 weeks now am so fed up of her presence and i fought with DH over it as he was saying he sees no problem having his mom around. I told him its a problem for me, we need our space and MIL and DIL shouldnt stay together for too long they will be problems. To avoid problems they should be one woman in a household. Back to SS, DH had said he will be visiting friday straight after school and leave monday. That's like half a week so i said NO! He can come Friday night/ Sat morning up to Sunday late noon and also on school holidays. It can't be every week though because we both work and are off on weekends so will need other weekends to ourselves. DH and I had a long talk about 3 hours or so, it turned out that's all we needed to heal our hearts. Talking, expressing our feelings noting our mistakes and apologizing.

I realised the reason i was resenting SS was mostly because of DH's mistakes. 

The mistake of having unrealistic expectations, expecting me to love SS treat him like my son. He would judge me and call me names if i failed at that and i thought Im being judged because of SS and i started hating the child for it

He pushed his responsibility of parenting and disciplining SS to me way too soon, i felt frustrated and burdened and i thought having this child around is the cause of my grievances so i resented the child and he resented me for punishing him because he does not trust that i was being fair and had the right intentions. Its always best for birth parent to discipline and parent his own child. DH's excuse was he didnt want to undermine, strip me of authority and discipline and parenting is a mother's job. Well he forgot that its different if its a step child! But because he is unrealistic and delusional he saw his son as my birth child and my responsibility.

Failing to acknowledge that SS is old enough to do his own chores and encourage him to be useful and helpful around the house, instead he wanted everything done for him while he sat and played games, by so doing he positioned SS as an extra load and inconvinience to me and i resented SS for that. He wanted things done fo his son by me yet he the birth parent was lazy to do them.

Lack of firm parenting and discipline, he was way too soft on him and he never punished him for any of his bad behaviour, SS is spoilt, has no manners and he is rude to adults. Parent's fault but the child gets resented for it.

Blaming other people for SS's mistakes and never agreeing that SS was wrong, made me think he sees his son as a perfect boy and me the problem, it angered me that SS would get away with bad behaviour and i would be blamed for it, it made me resent SS him for it

Not wanting to acknowledge that birth and step child aren't the same and can't be treated the same for example i can shout at my birth child and i wont be judged and the child wont take it personal, its the opposite for a step child. Again i can easily forgive my birth child because i have unconditional love for him, i will put him first above my parents, siblings, relatives and friends and i am obligated to do chores for him and be responsible for him in every manner and its the opposite for a step child. DH's mistake was expecting it to be the same.

DH felt i was obligated to do things for SS and it angered me because in my head i knew the child ain't mine and the only people obligated to take responsibility for him were him and Bio Mom. I have the right to choose to help or not. If i choose to help it doesnt mean its for always, the birth parent has to give me a break at times and handle the load that's rightfully his. When my relationship soured with SS (because of his bad behaviour, ill manners, telling his mom & DH lies and getting away with it) i refused to do his laundry and DH would call me evil and hateful. (probably out of anger and frustration of having to wash them himself since he is lazier than i am). It just made me resent the child because i was being given grief over things to do with him and i was ever arguing and fighting with SO over him.

So DH was not aware that it was mostly him who made me hate having his child around and be filled with resentment, i can't put all the blame on DH because i had my own weaknesses. I cant handle pressure, we moved in together when BS was 3 months, so being a first time mom, wife and step mom all at once was just too much for me. My responsibilities trippled so did the laundry, dishes and chores. When most couples get married there is no hard load its just the two of them, tasks are done easier and quicker but for me it was multiplied

I did not enjoy playing mom to a child who actually has a mother whom he loves and is loyal to, i prefered taking the aunty role but i wasnt given a choice, i did not like being forced and expected to see a child not related to me as my son, to love and treat him like my own. That unrealistic expectation made me rebel. A realistic expectation would be brotherly love, kindness and respect and then maybe over time 3 - 5 years down the line i can see him as my own after having known him for long and bonded with him. This instant love and bond expectaction is ridiculous

I did not enjoy the privacy limits and resctrictions and no freedom because of SS being around, that was a buzz kill, i wanted to be free to do whatever, walk around half naked, talk dirty, have sex on the couch while watching TV, in the kitchen or wherever. I longed for that freedom, i felt it was important at least for the first year of our marriage, the honey moon phase we be wild and free and have fun and i also hated having to share DH's attention with SS, he was very needy and clingy, he would follow his dad to the kitchen and everywhere instead of occupying himself like other 10 year olds do.

I dont come close to having the qualities a step mom should have:

A step mom should be someone slow to anger and quick to forgive and i am so the opposite i have a short temper and it takes me time to forgive, i hold grudges

A step mom should be a hard worker and i am a lazy person so it angered me to have extra load of SS's laundry and chores

A step mom should be someone who loves helping even those who don't deserve their help - i hate doing other people's job, so i hated taking responsibility of SS, which was DH and BM's job

A step mom has to be patient and calm - patient to give step kid time to change and fall into her expectations and i am the opposite i am not a patient person

A step mom should choose to fight bad with good and i am not that person, i feel better when i avenge, i don't feel like doing good for someone being unpleasant and undeserving, I give them a taste of their own medicine

A step mom should be emotionally strong and able to face hard times and challenges and i am the opposite, i am that person who would commit suicide if it all got too much for me, i let my emotions get the best of me.

A step mom should be selfless and i am selfish, i hate sharing and i hate being inconvenienced

A step mom should love responsibility - i have always hated responsibility i refused being class president or any roles that require responsibility at school. So i did mind being responsible for SS

A step mom should be okay with planting where they may not harvest but another person will - definetly not who i am, i did not feel like investing my time, sweat and money on a child giving me a headache but loyal to his mom whom i hate, and the mom be the one benefiting having her child taken care of by me, having me do her job of washing, ironing, parenting and disciplining her child.   It angered me, i felt it was very unfair that i had to have a hard time having two kids to look after while the bitch had none and was free as a bird, having complete privacy, freedom and no child chores to do, she was having all the things i wanted and why was i the one to be robbed when the child aint mine, when the child is even loyal to her and not me? Though nowadays the father is as responsible but the truth is the mother is and will always be the primary care giver which is why when dad's with custody re marry its their wives who do the job.

I failed to acknowledge that SS's behaviour was normal kid behaviour and that he is not really the most horrible person there is some good in him, but i just focused on his bad and resented him for things that were his dad's fault. I hated his mom and i hated the way my life had turned out because of the step parenting role so i started resenting him as well and i hated being home.

I failed to acknowledge that it was not his fault he had lack of parenting and that he was broken by his parent's divorce and he witnessed the toxic relationship of constant verbal and physical fighting of his parents as well as seeing his mom with different men and he was bribed to not tell his dad. The child was broken, am sure he wants his parents under the same roof and he must have felt like an outsider, knowing his half sibling has both mum and dad under one roof. He went through a drastic change

I always knew being a step mom is not for me because i dont have the heart for it, i did not want the challenges, hardship, pain and inconvenineces that come with it. I do not have the right qualities for it, its like wearing a smaller sized shoe that doesn't fit, you will get bruised and hurt, be unable to walk properly, the shoe will even tear with time. So yeah you have to know yourself, if the shoe doesnt fit, don't force it in. I needed DH to understand that being a step mom is not for me and not judge me. There are people who have no problem adopting a stranger's child and loving it like their own and they are people like me who say can never do that it doesnt mean i am heartless and i have a problem, but when forced to adopt that's when i will lose it and become heartless because forced situations bring out the worst in you.

Actually my relationship with SS was good before i started living with him, that is because i wasnt being responsible for him, seeing and dealing with his bad behaviour, being given grief over him, i wasnt being inconvenienced by him, he just wasnt my problem and i wasnt seeing him on  a daily basis to know how annoying and manipulative he is. Now that he will be coming weekends only i think we can be friends again, he will be his mom's problem and not mine. I will be burden free and he will no longer be the reason i fight with DH or the reason i cant watch Tv dressed in only DH's t shirt. Not everyone should be a step mom just like not everyone should be a birth mom, there are women who have died without bearing children because they don't have the heart and patience or interest to deal with children, so is it okay to judge them? When these women are forced to have children, those children will suffer, they will be negelcted, unloved and abused. 

We need to understand and respect that people are different, we have different gifts, different talents, different wants etc don't force someone to study a course they don't have the brains to pass. In china they eat dogs, in india they eat snakes, don't judge me if i don't wanna eat a snake, one man's food is another man's poison. Evil step mothers are not all evil people, some are just women who wear the shoe that doesn't fit and it never works, it brings out the worst in you. DH finally understood that the role wasn't for me and that the pressure was too much for a same time new wife& mom. Step parenting was straining our marriage with its challenges right at the beginning of it. He is disappointed because he had hoped we would be one big happy family with his unrealistic expectations, he had hoped i would be that woman who can fit in the fairy tale glass shoe. he thought if i can love him i have what it takes to love his son, but it doesnt work that way. You may ask why i dated DH knowing he has a child if i knew step parenting was not for me. Well our mistake was never talking about his child's future, I assumed the child would go live with his mom because that's the impression DH gave me.

If you are wondering how SS feels about living with his mom, I think he has mixed emotions, he is the one who asked to go live with his mom (since 4 months ago but the mom was refusing) he felt like an outsider, the change was major new mom, new rules and expectations, new parenting and discipline styles and getting punishments, something he grew up not knowing. He was used to being the only child for 9 years so having a new sibling and no longer being the centre of attention was hard for him as well as sharing his dad's time with a new mom and new sibling. He loves his mom and lately i hate to admit that she has been improving on being a better mom since a month ago, she was taking him every weekend and actually making time to go out with him and she bought him a few new clothes. Am sure its hard for him being away from his dad because he is closer to him than his mom. But with my relationship with him having soured he probably felt unwanted and hated. I honestly think its best for everyone if he stays with his mom at least for the first and second year of our marriage. We need time to ourself to enjoy our honey moon phase.

So the step hell lasted for 7 months and so i did not enjoy the first 7 months of my new marriage it was just arguements, misunderstandings, judgements, feelings of resentment, anger, depression, frustrations and regrets from the very first week and it was all concerningSS and nothing to do with us as a couple, no wonder study shows 70% of second marriages fail because of step kids. I hope now I can start enjoying being a wife because i have honestly been so unhappy, frustrated and angry i came close to walking away.

Im thankful that DH now understands that as a newly married couple, we need our space and privacy, to grow and bond and create memories and a strong bond that will stand the test of time, we need to build and strengthen our new and fragile marriage without the step parenting challenges tearing us down. Timing is important, you don't feed a new born baby solids, he will choke and die or damage his digestive system, you feed them liquids until they are old and strong enough to digest solids. Following the right order is also important, you dont skip primary stage and start with secondary. I feel that's what happened to me, making your new wife a step parent right at the beginning of a marriage is like feeding solids to a baby whose not yet ready and strong enough.We came close to dying from the solids lol. Especially for me it's my very first marriage, so it was all just TOO much! I felt robbed and greatly deprived.

Talking and agreeing with hubby, noting our mistakes, apologizing and expressing our feelings really helped. I am happy to say I have let go of all the anger, bitterness and resentment i felt towards DH and SS. I could not even stand looking at SS or hearing his voice, time away from him has helped too, i havent see his face or heard his voice for a week now and it has done wonders. Holding on to resentment and unforgiveness is posion to your health, its self imprisonment and it steals your happiness. You need to find a way to let go of it by first pointing out what really causes it and then talking to your partner. having your partner listen to you express your feelings, have him admit and acknowldge his wrongs and genuinley apologise is medicine!! 

I hope this will help other step moms and potential step moms realise exactly what the problem is in their household, is it the birth parent, the step child or is it you wearing a shoe that doesnt fit and help let go of feelings of resentment.

Thank you for all those who have listened and gave advise, i hope i won't have anything to vent about again.