I have had a light bulb moment I thought I would share. As step mothers we spend a lot of time feeling unappreciated, resentful, used, angry and unloved. I guess that just comes with the territory of being in a relationship with someone who already had a family which you were not a part of. I feel like we pay the price of him and his ex's mistakes and I mean that in every way, financially, emotionally, etc... I realized this weekend that I am creating not all, but a big portion of the resentment and anger I feel.

I, like most women I know try to show my love and support by doing things. We try to have dinner (he likes) ready a couple nights a week, pick up things at the store we know he and his kids would like, we offer to give or lend them money to help them out, we light candles and open the wine, when we grocery shop, we buy things they like too, we offer to watch their kids, we make sure they have birthday presents, we encourage them to parent so they feel good about themselves and on and on. I have realized that by doing these things I have created a situation where I am always going to be resentful. My husband like most men doesn't do these thing for me, not because he doesn't love me or care about me, he doesn't do these things because the thought doesn't even occur to him. He shows his love in other ways which are much more basic, he spends time with me, shares his life with me and is there for me when I need him. I have come to the conclusion that his needs are much simpler than mine. He wants food, sex, sleep, conversation and to be a good father. That in a nutshell is what he wants and what he gives back. When he makes a meal it isn't to show his love, it's because he's hungry and has kids to feed. He doesn't think about what I would like or even what the kids would like, he thinks about what he wants and how long it's gonna take to make. When he grocery shops it's about how quickly he can get in and out with little thought to anything else, especially me. If his schedule is crazy and he doesn't have enough time to do it all he will ask for help. If he was in a store and ran right into something I have told him 20 times I want, he wouldn't even see it! He is pretty basic and straight forward.

Where am I going with this??? I have decided that I am trying to show my love in ways that don't even register with him and I am resentful because he doesn't appreciate, acknowledge or return the effort. My light bulb moment was this weekend which wasn't any different than any other weekend, I just understood it finally. He made pecan pie for dessert, I hate pecan pie, he knows this, he loves pecan pie. Normally I would say nothing but inside I would curse him and be upset at what a selfish prick he is, I would be less talkative than normal and put this on my list of things he does that piss me off for later use. i.e. a fight two weeks later. Looking at his face as he took it out of the oven and his happiness at what he created made me realize he isn't a prick he is just a man. He wanted to share this amazing accomplishment with me and was so excited to show it to me, never did the fact I hate pecan pie enter his mind, but I knew he loved me because I was the one he wanted to impress.

I know, where is the life changing revelation?? Here it is, I have decided to stop doing all the things I usually do to show my love and return his love in a way he can understand, just be there for him, have sex with him and enjoy my life with him.

I went grocery shopping and only bought what I wanted, I ordered dinner the last three nights for my daughter and I only, when he called on his way home at 7:30 and asked if there was any dinner I said no, but I think there's a couple frozen pizzas or you can pick something up. I didn't offer to remind his daughter to be out at the bus on time because he had to leave for work before her bus came, I went back to sleep and turned off the ringer on the phone so he couldn't call me to make sure she doesn't miss the bus and I was totally prepared to tell him I couldn't take her to school if she missed it, he would have to come back or call her mom. She didn't miss it but I was ready!! When he got home last night at 8 pm and made a pizza, he put the pizza in upside down,(who does this), 10 minutes later the kitchen is full of smoke and the oven is a mess, I only laughed. I didn't offer to make him something else, didn't offer to help clean it up and told him he couldn't make another pizza he had to clean it first and when he went out to get fast food I didn't offer to go or make any sympathetic comments, just laughed and went back to reading with my daughter. When he was telling me about his new contract job and how they haven't paid him in two months and his cash flow is really bad, I just rubbed his back and told him he'll figure it out, didn't offer to help him out or pick up some of his bills. We went to bed and talked and laughed, had sex and went to sleep. I know he is wondering why I am not doing the things I usually do but didn't say a thing about it and won't. I have to say I feel so much lighter and happier. My mind is freed up and I am looking at him in a new light as a man who has a life which I share, not which I am responsible for. I am responsible for my happiness, not his and I now know when I do something special for him it will because I want to, not because I am hoping he will appreciate it and do something for me or he will love me more because of it. It's only been four days but I am not going back. I put myself in a position to be taken advantage of, he didn't make or ask me to. I honestly believe this will improve our relationship because without the resentment I am a much happier person and he is going to get a much better me and probably more sex. He is a big boy and can figure out how to take care of his responsibilities all by himself. I think in a second marriage you need to maintain your life and responsibilities with some separation and remember that both parties are adults and have already had a family and a life before you which they are responsible for. I think too many of us come in and try to take over that responsibility and then feel terrible hurt and anger because we are paying the price for their past instead of just sharing in the life we are living right now. It's human nature to take what is given and I need to remember to only give what makes sense and works for me. If anyone reads this and gives it a try let me know how it works for you and how you feel about it. I will keep you posted.