Ok so I posted this as a comment on someone else's blog and I thought I should share it with everyone. It is definately something every blended couple should think about and do before getting really serious, or married. If you are already serious or married it is still something you should talk with your spouse about. I have done a lot of research and I talked to my hubby a few weeks ago.

If you have read my previous blogs then you know my hubby not only stood up for me, he told BM I'm his wife, I come first and even tho it is their son, he is going to discuss every decision with me because it affects me. That she will not be running our lives or our home anymore and she better respect me or else court is going to get real ugly. All thanks to this talk I had with him. Since, things have been so nice. I don't mind SS anymore bc DH and I are on the same page finally and he has my back. And boy does it show. SS has been a lot better since my DH has shown him that I am the boss, I'm not his mom but I am the stepmom, ect. Things are NOT perfect but finally we can see eye to eye on how our lives are going to be, how our home is constructed and how each of us can help the other obtain happiness thru our choices.

I say you bring it up casually before he proposes... Just be very sweet and say "you know I've been thinking about this a lot lately... You are my bestfriend and I love you more than anything. I would love to spend my life with you. But.... I have been reading up a lot on ppl who just rushed into getting married before resolving their issues and they have a ??% higher divorce rate and did you know that getting married when its a blended family already poses a ??% higher divorce rate as it is? Divorce scares me. To think that if we got married and the thought that you or I may fail one another and end up getting divorced terrified me. So I have been doing some research on somethings that can help us stand a better chance of a successful marriage that should be done prior to getting married.

The first thing it says we need to do in a blended family is make sure we are on the same page with the SKids, their disapline, the standards we will set for them, what role you wish for me to play down to the last detail and what I am willing to do and sacrifice for your children. Also the role/ parenting that I feel is ok. I know I am not mom but I do feel I should have a say on disapline and structure bc one day we will or have children and I feel that I should be able to have a say on what kind of behavior my kids are exposed to. If they are exposed to a child who I feel isn't a bad kid but is teaching them to act in a way I do not agree with, I want to know what kind of disapline and structure you will enforce so that our kids will not think it is ok. The same goes for our children if/when we have them.(or already) . I need to know and make sure your kids and our kids will have the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them along with the same rewards for doing good. We will be(or are) a ONE family unit in the house and everyone will be treated equal, even if BM disagrees.

The next thing is the boundaries we will need to set for BM. What I am comfortable with, what I expect you to do if this or that situation arises and if you are ok and willing to do these things. I not only must be number one but you must make sure I AND BM know that I am your number 1 priority. She is the ex. She needs to know this and be shown this.. I am the FW. My wants, needs, feelings, ect should and will come first. I need to know how this will be enforced and see your actions in doing this. All decisions should be made with me and then discussed with her. This is OUR life. Not yours and hers. I need to know that you will not be planning our life with her and then clueing me in on what you two have decided after the fact. I know that it is your guys kid but this is our home, our life, our schedule and everything that happens with her and SKids directly affectation me and our family should and will come first, be first priority over what BM wants and needs.

Then it says we need to talk about finances. If we will have a joint account, how much of the bills each of us should pay, if I'm ok with you spending X amount on skids and if you are ok with it, the financial boundaries we both expect for BM and SKids. No financial decisions should be made by either one of us without first talking with eachother.

if you are going to put me first above the BM and inlaws. Make me an equal, enforce SKids and BM to respect me, not allow SKids and BM to think they are my equal, skid is a child and not an equal to an adult and BM is the ex not an equal to a potential wife, then talk about other concerns you may have.

You can Google how to make a blended family work from the beginning. Then tell him that after we comprise and come to agreements we are comfortable with, that it says inorder to make sure the blended family stands a chance that you must give it a trial period to make sure the agreement is actually being put into action. After a few months of seeing both of your decisions in action, if you feel things are going great and both of you are happier in this blended family and it is finally working better than you ever imagined.... Then it may just be the perfect time to hear those magical words... "I do." Lol. That should not only buy you time, but it will let him know if he wants to marry you, that he is going to have to work at it and if you do it this way then everything gets worked out and talked about before that ring goes on your finger.

DH and I have been together 5yrs and have 2 kids together. We barely just got all of this sorted our but we did have this talk and we did finally come to agreements we are both happy with. We are happier than ever and now things are doing so much better now that we are on the same page.

Anything else you ladies might like to add?