BM is really trying...to dig herself a hole

Not even an hour after I posted my earlier blog about BM texting me yesterday from SD12's phone, I get a text from BM (on her own phone, lol)

The conversation reads as follows...

BM: U need to leave my name out of ur mouth especially when it comes to SD12. U need to worry about ur own kid instead of leaving a 7 year old home by himself. U also need to take care of ur husband so he don't go wondering like he has

Me: Why are you trying to start crap

BM: It's the truth. Worry about ur life not mine

Me: My life is fine. Ur the one stirring things up

BM: Again leave my name our ur mouth and their won't b no problems. That's y ur husband was trying to have sex with me but couldn't perform

Me: I'll say what I want, about who I want, to whoever I want. You have no control over me. Im pretty sure your goal in starting this was to get me pissed and say something to u like u have to me...but im better than that.

BM: No I'm just telling u to worry about ur life and what ur husband and kid is doin and not mine. Obviously u don't know si before any more truth comes out all I said was to leave my name out of ur mouth

Me: Oh im sure there is soooo much truth to b told on my end. Like I said I can say what I want, about who I want, to who I want. You have no control over me.

BM: Grow up

Me: Lol, k. Great chat! Have a nice day

Ok now with all that being typed, she has convinced herself that DH and I are constantly leaving our DS7 home alone and apparently that DH is unfaithful on me towards her. As seen above I didn't even find those issues valid enough to respond to.

She can spew all she wants to and try to get me mad, try to get me to say things that will backfire on DH and I, try to hurt the relationship between DH and I, etc. She has another thing coming if she thinks this is in anyway going to effect us.

This woman is relentless and I have a feeling that things will only get worse.

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BM once sent an email to my

BM once sent an email to my FH were she wrote that FH tried kissing her while him and I were dating. Nice try BM.....

Yep, BM contacted me once

Yep, BM contacted me once saying my FDH had slept with her while we were dating. I hate that woman.

She could be...if she is then

She could be...if she is then she is smarter than I've EVER given her credit for.

I have used nothing, even my username, that would give hint as to who I really am. I don't think I have ever even stated what state I am in.

I think what happened was SD12 forgot to log out of her FB on her iTouch and BM got ahold of it and started reading her messages (hince me, DH and DS7 being blocked from SD12's FB all the sudden this AM). There were recent messages between SD12 and I, not necessarily about BM but to the tune of...

So...after reading that....BM flew off the handle apparently and felt justified in sending the texts she did along with the accusations she did.

Crazy woman!

Not trying to flame you (I am

Not trying to flame you (I am sure there is more to your story) but if I read that email on my BD12 facebook account I would be pissed. As her parent I have the right to take her phone for any reason I see fit. Twelve year olds have a huge tendency to minimize what they did to get punishment. It appears that you are second guessing her parenting to her own daughter. You might have just kicked a hornet's nest.

I may have kicked a hornets

I may have kicked a hornets nest, but I have plenty of bug spray.

SD12 wasn't minimizing.

If SD12's phone had gotten taken away for a valid reason this time or any of the 5-6 times the prior week I would have told her that its part of life.

Friday night SD12 calls me because BM and 4th husband are drunk. They were yelling at kid6 (BM and 3rd husbands child). Kid6 had some bug bites on his belly, he then asked BM to care for them (hydrogen peroxide, neosporin, bandaids etc) because this is what 3rd husband had been doing as told by his BIL who is a pharmasist. BM starts yelling at kid6 that BIL is not a doctor, and she'll get to it when she gets to it. Then 4th husband joins in the yelling. SD12 gets in and tells both the adults to stop yelling at kid6. 4th husband goes on a rant to SD12 telling her that she and kid6 are the kids and have to do whatever they say and that BM & 4th husband are the adults and can do whatever they please including yell at kid6. SD12 calls 3rd husband to let him know, he in turns calls me. I get ahold of SD12, asses the situation and I could hear the nervousness in her voice which was just a whisper. She advised she and kid6 were in her room and BM & 4th husband had gone to bed. I advised her to lay low, and don't piss them off any more so she can keep her phone in case of an emergency.

BM has formed a tendency to drink a little too often and a little too much. She becomes beligerant towards the SD12, she will call DH to talk to him (wanting him to come get her but we cannot, we feel sooo helpless) and then when BM finds out she takes SD12's phone and tells her that calling her dad is not an option.

I hate to say it but I think

I hate to say it but I think in this case she is justified..and you were out of line critiquing her parenting in public on FB to her daughter....overstep. Enjoy the hornets!

It wasn't in public. It was

It wasn't in public. It was a private conversation between SD12 and I.

>>Me: Who in the world would

>>Me: Who in the world would do that?!?!?! She's getting bad about taking ur phone ;-(
SD12: ikr (i know right).
Me: It sucks I know!!!!! We'll get thru this if we just hang together.<<

If you were my daughter's SM, I would have a VERY big problem with you.

We'll - meaning me, SD12, DH,

We'll - meaning me, SD12, DH, SS15, kid6, 3rd husband (kid6's father)

we - meaning the same above

Hence the "We all love u" statement.

As I said above BM is forming bad habits that are conducive to a healthy living arrangement for SD12 or kid6

From the exerpts provided it

From the exerpts provided it sounds like your trying to be-friend SD, make her mom the bad guy...a little bit of PAS by you?

BM is making herself the bad

BM is making herself the bad guy all on her own.

The statement about taking the phone a lot...that comes from issues back the previous week. When SD12 would call her dad, for whatever reason (help, come get me, just to talk, etc.) BM would take SD12's phone so she couldn't call DH anymore.

I agree with those that are

I agree with those that are saying the OP is laying on a bit of PAS.

Who are you to question what decisions are made by BM in BM's home regarding discipline, ie. the taking of the cell phone?

Of course, the way BM handled it and her past behavior notwithstanding - I would be completely pissed if I saw this text and it were the other way around. Say DH took SD's cell phone for whatever disciplinary reason and BM chose to "side" with SD over it and make DH look like the bad guy. That is no co-parenting, that is not even parallel parenting, that's PAS. I know you're intentions are probably just trying to bond with your SD, but find another way to do it. Trying to drive a wedge between her and her mom, even if it's not conciously intentional isn't the proper way to go about it.

It's not a bonding

It's not a bonding thing...SD12 and I have had 11 years to bond and done so quite well.

It was an observation, read above to see my comments to others explaining some of the events from the week previous.

You are way out of line. Mom

You are way out of line. Mom is trying to parent and you're acting like the cool, older friend who bad mouths the parent. Of course her mom is angry with you.

I know these were texts so

I know these were texts so the grammar, etc... is not at the forefront of her mind. BUT she seems incapable of stringing thoughts together. Maybe she doesn't know what exactly has her so upset. She doesn't make herself sound too bright, more like someone we might see on Jerry Springer. However, I do think that though you are really trying to appeal to SD as a confidant and friend right now, this may come back to bite you (because there is an undeniable bond between BMs and their children, and at some point SD may resent you for the things you've said). No matter how good your intentions, I think that these FB messages (I doubt you put it on SD's wall, right?)may be going down a path you might want to reconsider. Also, please consider the fact that SD12 is....well, twelve! And girls of that age tend to change their perspectives about different people as often as they change outfits before leaving for school for the day! So while she may be pissed at BM one day, and want to have a long talk/FB/text with you about her, the next day may be totally different. I'm not sure that the groundwork you're thinking you're laying through being her BM confidant is possible with her at this age.

How about maybe saying to SD, "I've been doing some thinking. I hope you know how much I love you and that I want us to be able to have a great relationship. In the future, I am not going to say anything negative about your mom. I will listen to you, always, and give you whatever advice I can, but I've realized that I want to work on our relationship a bit differently. This way we can see if BM may be a little more at peace with us being close." Kind of "come clean", open up those pathways to good respectful communication. And in doing so, make things a bit easier on the spiteful BM front. And I do think that this will earn even more of SD's respect and trust for you.

SD12 does have a tendency to

SD12 does have a tendency to change her mind. Like you said she is 12 and I completely understand that.

SD12 has friends, quite a few, but none that she talks to about home and the problems that have been escelating.

I and my mother are the ones she talks to. She has tried to address BM and talk to her about her issues with BM. BM's response is one of a few things she keeps in her arsenal. "Im the parent, your the child, deal." "Don't I deserve to be happy?" "I need to concentrate on my life right now."

BMs drinking is getting bad, 4th husband already has a drinking problem to line up with a cocaine problem.

The posts were private messages, I would never say anything like that in a public manner.

See above

See above posts/explinations...I added quite a few to the responses I got.

DH is fully aware of any conversation I have with SD12 or BM. I'm the one who tells him because I have nothing to hide nor nothing to be ashamed of.

Heavens you keep excusing

Heavens you keep excusing your behavior rather then recognizing any wrondoing. I doubt you will change your perspective and approach-but you are out of line and you are applying PAS> and she IS the adult and parent, the kid DOES have to deal. Nothing else I think we can do to help you.

So your telling me that SD12

So your telling me that SD12 has to deal with a yelling drunk mother and SF while trying to protect her 6 yr old brother???

So your telling me that SD12 has to deal with BM's blantant PAS against DH and I am to sit by and not say anything to her? No comfort for her, huh?

If my observational statement to her, and if my telling her that we love her and we'll all get thru this together is PAS then I am clearly in the wrong place.

I have stated several times that I understand where everyone is coming from but that doesn't mean I have to agree with it, especially when all you guys know is what you have read or skimmed over in my postings. Granted what I've typed is what I've typed, but I know myself, before I throw a judgemental statement at a person I would at least ask a few clarifying questions of the situation. But that is me, not everyone else.

I have not made excuses I have given the reasons behind my actions. Actions to which I will justify till the day dirt hits my cold face.

I understand that a lot of SM/SF's here have horrible relationships with their skids. I do not...I have a GREAT relationship with my skids especially my SD12. It's to the point she asked to call me mom. I advised that yet it be flattering, it isn't appropriate because her mother is in her life, etc.

I feel like some of who have posted (not all) are crazy BMs posting themselves. Attack mode on 24/7 and quick to draw before knowing the rest of the story.

If your referring to the

If your referring to the comments here getting deleted, that was a side effect of having to edit an earlier post that I failed to edit names out of. It was too late to actually edit so I had to redo the post all together.

I wasn't aware of the "judge" factor around here prior to posting like I have. I'm starting to think I should have lurked a bit more, getting a feel for those around and their temperment to certain situations.

I'll never say I was wrong in what I did. I don't think that I was. DH doesn't think that I was. My attorney doesn't think that I was, and I have forwarded all the info to him. The FB messages, the texts everything!

I don't expect for everyone to agree with me all of the time. It's part of life and everyone is entitled to what they think and feel. With that being said I am sorting thru in my mind that this may possibly not be the best place for me.

I'm not wanting enabling but I am wanting people to listen the way I listen to others. I'm not going to post a critisizing comment to someones blog without reading all of it along with all the posts/responses/updates etc. I just feel that if I am going to try and help then I need to know as much as I can about the entire situation.

I was thinking I may make some friends here but it seems I have managed to do quite the opposite.

Me: did BM take your

Me: did BM take your phone?
SD12: yea.
Me: why did she do that?
SD12: Cuz some1 told her that "3rd husband" txted me cuz he wanted me to check on "kid6's" bug bites
Me: Who in the world would do that?!?!?! She's getting bad about taking ur phone ;-(
SD12: ikr (i know right).
Me: It sucks I know!!!!! We'll get thru this if we just hang together. We love u so very much!
---------------------------
"She's getting bad about taking ur phone ;-(" = parental alienation.
"We'll get thru this if we just hang together" = parental alienation.
"I advised her to lay low, and don't piss them off any more so she can keep her phone in case of an emergency." = parental aliention.

You're encouraging ill feelings toward BM.

"Im the parent, your the child, deal." = a good parent's attitude. A parent does not owe a child reasons or explanations for their rules. "Because I'm the parent..." is all the reason a child should need to do what they are told.

If I were the BM & saw those remarks to my child from a SM, I'd take the phone away too.
What makes it your place to need to know why BM took the phone? In her home, she's the disciplinarian & owes no explanation, just like you & your DH owe BM no explanation for why you do things the way you do in your home. Just because you don't like it or agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

If there are issues with things that happen with your DH's children, HE should be the one addressing them. If he's concerned for their safety, HE should take the initiative to change things. If he feels there is reason to worry, HE should make his way to the courthouse & file for change in custody.

"She can spew all she wants to and try to get me mad, try to get me to say things that will backfire on DH and I, try to hurt the relationship between DH and I, etc. She has another thing coming if she thinks this is in anyway going to effect us."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately for your DH, if he does go to court, BM has accomplished getting you to say things that will likely backfire on him. She has FB messages & text messages proving alienation.

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BM is really trying...to dig herself a hole

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