Forever to be punished for not having BIO children....
I am not sure where to even begin. I am at a loss. I feel so alone. I feel so alone in my own home. I have been married 3 times and never had any children. I was never in a stable enough relationship where I felt bringing children into the world was an option. I was married and in the USAF at 19 and got pregnant, but my husband was abusive and told me there was no way he would have a baby. I disagreed and was beaten by him, causing a miscarriage. We ended up divorcing years later. I was in a 12 year realtionship with a musician who refused to grow up...thats a whole other story. I was then in a relationship with a very controlling man who I ended up marrying who had a daughter. I still wanted a baby so badly. My SD was 5 when we married. He told me 3 years into the relationship that he would never have another child. We had so many problems with my SD and every time I tried to give an opinion, he told me I had no say because I didnt have children and anything I had to say didnt matter. He told me that my life as a child was so f-ed up that anything or any input I had didnt have any merit. He always said it was none of my business. After 8 years, he had an affair and kicked me out of my home. My name was not on the house. He threatened me with a 9mm and made up stories about me to his family. I didnt know my rights at the time. I was left with nothing. I lost my home, everything in it and my life as I knew it. I lost my SD14 who I was very close to at the time. He filed a restraining order against me and I couldnt talk to her or anything. This is a whole different and horrible story too. I went through hell and had nowhere to turn. I ended up in the hospital and homeless for a time. I eventually pulled my life together and put my life into my work. I am in the nursing field and got a good job at a hospital. I met my current husband in 2005 and we married a year later. I was still yearning to have a child but he had had a vasectomy several years prior. I made the sacrafice since he had three children. Even if I couldnt have children, I felt I had a chance again at being a good SM. Well, here ai am... My Skids are SS16, SD13 and SD10. They treat me like crap and have absolutely no respect for me. DH never backs me up on anything. They are overly entitled, spoiled and full of themselves. I have tried to do everything to make them like me. I never ask them to do anything anymore since I only got grief in the past. When I try to talk to DH about my concerns or how bad I feel, he tells me the same thing my last husband said. He says I dont know what I am talking about because I have no experience with kids. He tells me I am being dramatic and overly sensitive. He says I need to chill out and deal with it. He says these are his kids, not mine and I need to just get over it..... I feel so alone and I dont have anyone to talk to. I dont have any friends who are stepparents. I dont know what to do...
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Tigerlilly~ I can feel the
Tigerlilly~ I can feel the pain in your words and it seams to me that your issues are much deeper than being a step parent to a bunch of bratty kids. I, however, don't think that jumping to get a divorse is the answer to your problems. I have had some rough relationships myself and your husbands disrepect for your thinking ability is the serious issue here. He isn't respecting you, therefore the children are not going to respect you. Children copying what they see. This is not always the end. If I were in your shoes the first step I would take is getting some personal therapy and learn to build yourself up and come to the understanding that you are important!!!!! Your thoughts, ideas, and feelings are valuable and should be treated as such!!!!! You can not change anyone else, but you can change yourself and as you do so people will respond to you differently. This is a skill you need to learn regardless if you get a divorse or not, so why not work on it before turning your life upside down my the nastiness of divorse. I am not saying that a divorse might not be necessary at some point, but all avenues should be taken before that is contemplated. After you start working on you and make some personal progress, maybe you can talk him into marraige counseling if it is needed.Parenting classes might be a great idea too. I have a huge family with ALOT of kids and let me tell you NO ONE knows how to do it perfectly. You are an asset that should be treasured. For this moment inhale a deep breathe and as you do so think "I love" and as you exhale think "ME". (I have to do this often myself
Best of luck to you and yours.
OK I will put this in a
OK I will put this in a milder way? I have been a SP 2 times now. 1) good!
2) won't put up with crap "out come ?"
3) I KNOW MY WORTH
you need to get a grip on your own. How much are YOU worth????????
How much are you willing to put up with????????????????????????????
NO ONE CAN ANSWER THAT BUT YOU!!
Really sit down with pin and paper and write it down. HOW MUCH AM I WORTH?????
Until you know your own worth? It is as long as the next person will treat you as a worthy person??? Trust me not nearly as long as it should be. YOU MUST DEMAND TO BE TREATED AS A EQUAL. If you don't treat you good NO ONE ELSE WILL. STOP distracting how long or even how they will treat you. PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS GOOD AS YOU TREAT YOURSELF. Stop letting SK rule. Ok you don't have alot $$ right now but your future is wide open and with out SKIDS. Money free. Tell that to DH and see :jawdrop: Then walk away go see a movie, don't answer phone. text or anything. Sweating is a good thing.
Sit down and ask yourself
Sit down and ask yourself this very basic question: What do you really want right now. Give yourself a totally honest answer. Now, how can you get it? No excuses, no pitty, no putting it off. Talk with your husband and tell him exactly what you want! Tell him that unless things change, you will find another way to get what you want. THERE! YOU HAVE THAT MUCH POWER OVER YOUR LIFE. Take that power, believe in it. Pusue your dream! I was widowed at 39 years old. I spent 7 years by my self. We do not need a man to define us. Please get some counceling, but most of all. Starging right now - trust and value your feelings, and don't settle for less than you feel you need!
GO FOR IT!
http://childfreedom.blogspot.
http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2009/03/top-100-reasons-not-to-have-kid...
You need to read this honey.
Asher10, my dear, you have
Asher10, my dear, you have absolutely OUTDONE yourself with this reply!! I read the link and smiled through all 100 reasons - it made me feel so glad that I am child-free BY CHOICE!!!
Thank you!!
AWWW!!! Thank you!! I have
AWWW!!! Thank you!!
I have this printed and posted in my office:)I'm so glad it made you smile!
Asher, I think the reason I
Asher, I think the reason I especially loved your reply so much is that the TIMING couldn't be more perfect.
You see, I've recently turned "the big 4-0". I've been grappling with this whole "having babies" issue for many years.
The fact that FDH has 2 biokids that I've helped him raise for the past 7+ years I've been with him (we share 50/50 custody of FSD16 & FSS13 with his exW/BM who is a lazy, leeching, dependent, narcissistic woman) makes me really think about this - us having our OWN CHILDREN TOGETHER - and the fact that he's such a great Dad that I can certainly see us being wonderful, happy parents of our own children someday.
But then I read that list and I'm like "YEAH!! THAT'S WHY I'M CHILD-FREE!!"
Still confused and still sitting "on the fence" with the children thing, but that Top 100 list was AWESOME and SO TRUE!!
P.S. To add to my dilemma, my sister just had her FIRST baby at 40 (about 1.5 years ago) and I lovingly and jokingly call her "The Recruiter"!! She's always like "Oh Milomom, you SO DEFINITELY HAVE TO HAVE your OWN CHILDREN with FDH!!! You will both be AMAZING parents and you'll NEVER love any other person/child like you LOVE YOUR OWN CHILD!". It really was a life-changing event for her and she's so happy. My nephew is such a cutie pie, too!! I just tell her "Stop the madness!! Stop being THE RECRUITER!" LOL!!! AAHHHH!!!
Consider me a recruiter for
Consider me a recruiter for the childfree and loving it side!lol
and please honey,climb off that fence,you'll get a splinter in that cute bum of yours!We have margaritas on my side of the fence and a quiet swimming pool with nobody screaming "MARCO...POLO!!! MARCO...POLO!!!"
I like this except for number
I like this except for number 10 that says you will come first. For us on here our SO's have kids so we don't come first to them. But other than that I love it and saved it to my favorites!
Yes, StillSearching, totally
Yes, StillSearching, totally agree with you about #10!! Once a child is involved, you really have to focus so much time, energy, etc... on the child(ren)!!
My FDH has 2 biokids (FSD16 & FSS13) which we share 50/50 custody of with his exW/BM - and so MUCH of his life, his decisions, etc... revolve around them. I must say, though, that he puts me at the top of his priorities list and I am #1 in his heart also, just in a different way, KWIM??
Thanks so much for all of the
Thanks so much for all of the advice. It helps to get great feedback. I guess I really need to make some positive changes in my life and talk to DH about how I am really feeling. Thanks again everyone.
My DH has said to me in the
My DH has said to me in the past "Until you have children of your own, no, you aren't allowed to offer your opinions about mine." It was very hurtful. Especially since we had been trying for children for a couple of years at that point. It would most likely have bounced off me to an extent if I had never wanted my own, but in that situation...ouch.
I don't think anyone deserves to be treated that way.
You do know what you're saying, and do deserve to have an opinion on your stepchildren's behavior. You're a human, and were young once too. That's all the experience you need. Having biological children does not automatically give one wisdom on child rearing or human behavior!!!
That is so ignorant, saying
That is so ignorant, saying someone has to be a parent to have input into a situation they are living with. You still have a brain don't you? Common sense? All they did was pop out the kid. They didn't go to college for parenting so what makes them the expert? Grrr. That's just a tactic to devalue your opposing opinion.