Be a bitch. I would. It's your house. And you have rules and need to keep your sanity. DH needs to understand that. Have a serious talk with him to set some rules. Those kids should not be walking all over you or DH. TV's and music should be off at a certain time of night. Put a parental block on the TV if they don't agree with that. You are the one paying the cable bill, right? Not them. You pay the electric bill, right?! NOT them! It is a priveledge for them to get to use your electricity!!! And if they don't respect you and your rules then they don't get to use it! If they leave their stuff all over the house, throw it in the damn garbage can and set it out on the end of the driveway on garbage pick-up day. Kids need to be kids and have fun, yeah... To a certain extent. They also need parental guidance and need to be taught how to respect people. Don't let them walk all over you.

Disengage. Don't be involved in their lives. But, you do not have to put up with a messy house. Throw their stuff in a box that they leave out and move it to the garage. Eventually they will get the message. I don't say to throw it out, that is wasteful. But, make it inconvenient for them to get it back. Eventually they will tire of this game and put their stuff away. I used to just leave it on their beds. Now the rule is their room has to be picked up before they leave to go back to BM's. If not, SS loses Xbox for one day when he comes back. That just kills him. DH's rule not mine...

As for the showers, do not get involved. I do criticize SS about his greasy hair and make sure to say it in front of DH when out in public. It embarasses him and he tries to address it. Constant battle. We think he actually isn't using shampoo.

Your house, your rules. Stand up for yourself. But, do not parent them. That is his job. Fine line there for us. I can't stand clutter and don't tolerate disrespect. But, they are not your problem. Keep repeating my mantra...."Not my kids, Not my problem".

Works wonders when I want to go behind SS and brush his hair because it is sticking up or he is dressed like a bum. Last month, I couldn't take a jacket that he wore from BM's, that I hid it while he was here and gave it back when he left, telling him to not bring it back. I know it should not affect me, but, he looked terrible in it and made us look like we couldn't afford better. He had much nicer coats from us and they looked much better. Shallow yes, but I don't care, because I look at it that he is reflecting our household when he is here.

Hmmm, my DHs ex thought her teenage sons should be allowed to be 'kids' and do whatever they want. Mr Mature aka SS20 is now in a half way house and then a 3/4 house to deal with his 'kid like' behaviour of underage binge drinking and smoking dope.

A lot of what you describe is usual teen behaviour IF they are allowed to get away with it.

Be a bitch. Actually be the only responsible adult in the house. Disengage. Cook only for yourself. Do your own laundry. When DH conplains you tell him "Oh, I am just being an adult and taking care of myself. They are your kids, you take care of them. I am not allowed to comment so I don't."

I could've written your comment.

My SD and I were very close when she was young but after so many years of guilt parenting by both BM and DH - SD was spoiled and manipulative by 9-10 YO. When puberty hit - our home was run by her and her moods. She was accountable to no one and she expertly played 1 parent against another. God, it was awful.

I completely disengaged by her early 20's and have no regrets - other than not doing it sooner.

Here's the paradox - we are suppose to love this kids like our own but we have absolutely no say so in how they are parented. We have to step aside and allow the parents to parent. And they typically parent out of guilt or parent so that they can be the "nice" parent or the "pal".

My SD is now 28 YO - still going to college on DH's dime with no degree yet. DH still pays for her insurance and tuition and books and "helps" her out with cash whenever she asks. He recently co-signed a loan for her - so that she can work on her next attempt at a degree. A nursing degree - which I doubt that she will complete.

So my long answer to your question is NO. You are not a monster - you are in a no win situation. As hard as it is to disengage - I think that it is a healthy choice. You don't have to be a bitch by disengaging - you just set clear boundaries, step back and let your DH deal with his kids and the results of his parenting.

I agree with Echo,

First, I would speak with DH and then do a family meeting. Remember, you determine how people treat you. As long as you set clear and fair boundaries they have nothing to complain about. You have tried to help be a mother to these kids and how has that worked for you? Be honest with yourself and your DH. If it's that important to your DH that meals are prepared, towel and toiletries laid out - he should do it - not you.

My kids were up late into the night also. That is hard to get use to when they aren't with you all of the time.

You have two choices: Disengage or work with your husband as a team to raise the children. If you choose the latter -- Take your DH by the hand at bed time and lead him to where they are. With your husband standing there, tell them that you are going to bed and ask them nicely turn it down or use earphones. If they continue to be loud, ask your hubby to speak with them.

Tell your husband that they are old enough now, that you feel for their own benefit, they should contribute to the family chores, including picking up their own crap. Ask hubby to tell them in front you that they will be expected to do chores & pick up their own stuff.

They need to respect you, it will help if they see that your husband respects you. If he can't back you on these things, then he does not respect you.

We are right behind you, Tiger. It's hard, I know, when you have been a people helper and pleaser all your life. Changing the dynamics can be scary but I think you need to for your own well-being. And it may test your marriage. Your DH doesn't sound very supportive of you, which is a shame.

First of all, gradually stop doing things. Start with the little things that you do automatically. Then work up to not cooking, etc. Right now you appear to be an unpaid servant in the house. That's not cool.

And, it is unacceptable in my view that your rest is disturbed by them. If it was me, I'd go psycho on their asses, including DH. That's just not civil.

I think they should do chores too, another battle. But if you don't do it anymore...then DH or SKs will have to won't they?

Think of them as roommates. What would you tolerate from roommates? And what would you expect from roommates re chores and courtesy?

Tell your DH no more one way street. Tiger acts like "mom" but is treated like "sh**."