Give it a try!
I have read several blogs about disengaging...and honestly at first it seemed like such a harsh thing to do. I don't think so anymore! Now I think it is an unfortunate necessity.
SD19 has moved out and so it has been very easy with her, I don't even have to see her. I send SO over there to drop things off or visit her, I encourage him to call or text her at least once a week. We still get threatening texts from BM telling SO how horrible of a father he is because he doesnt baby her anymore and how it is all my fault...well, it IS! I HAVE pointed out to him that he has a D19 that acts like she is 12 because thats how he has always treated her. The only problem is she doesn't create 12 year old drama, she is much better at it lol she does drugs, drinks and...oh wait I DON'T CARE lol not my kid, not in my house, not my problem!! What a GREAT feeling!!
SS16 hasn't been so easy, he lives with us full time and it is a challenge to disengage. I don't get involved with any discipline, I don't make him clean his bathroom or his room or do his laundry. If I think something needs done I tell SO and he can either make the kid do it or he can do it himself, that is our arrangement, and I like it! I have explained to my BS17, BS14 and BS13, that the punishments etc will not be equal. They know they are my kids and will have rules and consequences like always. They also understand it is because I want MY kids to grow up to be productive adults. I love that they are mature enough to understand the situation. I also have been encouraging SO to do things with SS16, sometimes I go along (haven't completely disengaged) sometimes I don't.
I guess the point of today's blog is that things are getting better, and it is because of all of you sharing your experiences! Thank you!!
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This is key when you have
This is key when you have your own bios, I have explained to my BS17, BS14 and BS13, that the punishments etc will not be equal.
I have done the same. I have BD12 and BD7 - I remind them I am not the skids mom and its up to DH to determine punishments just like its up to me to determine theirs.
When I was first with DH, the problem was that I openly and willingly shared my 2 bios with him. I was SOOOOO frustrated because he was keeping me out of the skids life - I felt it was a what was mine was his and what was his was his situation where the kids were. He wanted to be dad to my kids but didn't support me being mom with his.
Over time, this has shifted, I no longer totally involve him in my kids lives. It was hard for me at first. I still make my kids respect him always, that is just good upbringing.
I no longer show him the bios report cards, inform him of their school events for his attendance, ask him about plans they are making for his inputs. My kids come to me for things, I follow up with my kids on things. I direct his kids to him for things and if he doesn't follow up, oh well. I don't nag him about anything anymore.
Once I got my kids back from sharing and didn't try to share his kids, things here sort of smoothed out for the most part.
My disengagement is if I am doing it already, I do it for all as I expect him to (meals, laundry) - anything else is over and above. If DH wants me to do something over and above for a skid, like picking SS6 up from school for him - I will comply if asked, but I don't offer or go out of my way. I do it as a favor to him - and I rarely ask DH to sub in as parent for me with my kids. I go to their bioDad first as its really his job first and foremost then if I am stuck, I ask a FAVOR or DH.
I feel bad for SO sometimes,
I feel bad for SO sometimes, because I really think he is prouder of my boys than he is of his own kids...that has to be a terrible feeling! BUT through 'lazy parenting' he created his own situation.
At my kids sporting events, or awards banquets, or band concerts he jokingly makes comments like "that's my boy" etc. we both laugh, but I think he wishes it were true.
Mine does this too. It also
Mine does this too. It also makes me sad. Lately it actually bothers me a little making me want to say, sorry DH, you don't get credit for my girls.
DH can choose to parent his kids and the outcome could still be good. DH could have choosen to allow me to parent his kids like my own and support me and the outcome could have been good. He didn't choose either, so DH you can't claim my kids - that is my achievment, sorry.
Great post. It doesn't work
Great post. It doesn't work for everyone, but I love hearing when it does.