Zenjet, I'm sorry you've been having a tough time. For what it's worth, despite the antagonistic attitude of BlendedFam (which, FTR, don't sweat - she does that to everyone for the sake of causing drama), you are far from alone on this site and many, many women on here have gone through or are going through the same thing as you are right now. It's never easy to end major relationships. Whether or not it's for the best doesn't really matter in terms of how good you feel about it, especially this soon after. -hugs-

You can't control whether or not he stands up to BM - it would be nice if you could, but at the end of the day we can only control our responses. In some cases, that means disengaging. In other cases, it means walking away. You deserve happiness, honey. No one is perfect, but I don't believe for a second that this incident was all there was to it - relationships are never that cut and dry and I don't blame you for not wanting to delve into those intricacies tonight after everything you've already been through. Only you know what is right for yourself and for your sanity.

I have no real good advice, but just know that you're welcome to post here as much as you want. There are a lot of wonderful ladies on here who know exactly where you are coming from and what you're going through. Keep us updated and I wish you the best!

I know it is hard, but it sounds like you did the right thing. You should be #1 in your relationship and if you feel you are just in BM's shadow then move on. You will never stop feeling that way. Good luck!

zenjetset,

I went through EXACTLY the same thing.

There was a point where things had built up so badly that our relationship hinged on his behaviour at any encounter.

It came to head one day when we dropped the skids home and SO got out of the car, looked over at BM, waved, smiled and said 'hi'. That was the LAST STRAW for me. It wasn't that one isolated incident, it was that she treated him like shit and he still treated her like anything she did was ok, he'd still be nice to her no matter what she did. This incident happened a couple weeks after she had come out to the car screaming at me and slapped me. It was after 3 years of her crap and him still being nice and respectful to her no matter what she did. On that day, when he smiled and said hi to her after everything she had done something snapped in me. That was IT as far as I was concerned.

I told him in no uncertain terms that he had gone completely over the line and that things had to change dramatically or we were finished for good. Luckily, he did cop on although I'd be lying if I said the changes were immediate. It took another year, a year of me getting books for him to read, a year of me pointing out every spiteful, hateful thing she did, a year of me showing him again and again how his kids were treating him as disrespectfully as he let their mother treat them. It was tough but we did come out the other side. He sees her for what she is now and he will not tolerate it when she becomes abusive to me.

Zenjetset, you did the right thing.. And your hurting now, so now and then you may doubt yourself in the decision you made.. But it seems so many bad occasions built up, and you finally just bursted and made the final, and right choice.. I'm sorry you are hurting, but it seems if the realtionship continued you'd be hurting a lot.. Maybe one day he will realize to put the woman he loves first.. *hugs*

Atleast we all know who to ignore right now. It could be worse. It seems like we only have one right now. I'd just ignore him/her completely if you stop responding or giving them attention they will tire of it and go somewhere else they are looking for a reaction and they are getting one.

I have been thru exactly the same thing, and it is a very complicated subtle issue, not at all as black and white as...they have kids together so deal with it. Yes they have kids together, BUT he also has a new woman in his life with feelings to consider. I have no kids and my BF does, so everytime I tried to discuss how often and in what way he spoke to the BM, all I heard was "you don't have kids, if you had kids, I would understand why you talk to your ex." Of course he can say that...I don't have kids and he will never be in that situation. Its an easy out. My ex and I had an amicable breakup and wanted to remain friends. I got grilled by BF every time my ex called (maybe once every 3 months to say Hi). I was asked everyday if my ex had emailed me, all the while he spoke to his ex contantly, daily...because "they had a kid together"...what a double standard. One day we came back from a romantic weekend getaway and were driving home. BM called, and BF took the call. Yes, it related loosely to the kid, but just chit chat, and he talked and giggled (yes, giggled) with her while I was stuck there next to him in the car. I didn't speak to him for the next 4 hours of the ride home, and of course in the end I was the bad guy because "it was about his kid." That's crap. Good news is, after many discussions and many very very slow baby steps, he is being more considerate. After 2 years, I can see forward progress. There are many ways to communicate. In non urgent kid matters, they can email. A quick text message about where and when to pick up/exchange the kids is a lot less offensive than a phone call chat. They share the responsibility of raising a kid, and they can do that while still respecting you. Now on the rare occasions that she calls (she will eventually get the hint and call only in emergencies) he lets the call go to voice mail. If the kid has been hit by a truck, I am sure she will call back and he will get the point. Now my BF treats the co-parenting with the ex more as a business arrangement, not a romantic relationship, and not a friendship. If they still had that between them, they shouldn't be divorced. Unless his kid is bleeding out in route to the hospital, there is no excuse for him to be chatting with her while you sit in the car waiting. That is inexcusable. SHE can wait, SHE is the ex. You should never wait on her! He should never give you the feeling that she comes first. Obviously, that sort of behavior would make anyone suspicious. If that ever had to happen, he should have ended the call quickly, come over to you, explained exactly what BM wanted and what his response was and apologize for keeping you waiting. Fortunately, my BF has made baby steps in the right direction. It has been agonizing, but worth the wait and he gets better everday. Is your man making progress or just being an ass? Whether he still has feelings for BM (the worst scenario of course), or is brainwashed by her (like my BF) or feels guilty about being a divorced dad, it doesn't matter. Any glimmer of hope for that he will start considering you and valuing you? If not, you were right to bail. I think you did the right thing. A better life awaits you.

I feel bad for you because I can just feel how you're feeling... but you know as I'm finding out day after day...it takes a really strong stomach to deal with the step/blended family issue. So many times over the past 6 years I've thought to myself...what the hell did I do this for?? In our case DH told me that BM was a bitch, that she cheated on him, that she was a fake...and well..guess what..he kisses her ass too, which makes me disbelieve his statements. After 6 years it's still a bone of contention with me..especially when I hear that BM has called DH at work because SS is sad about something and DH rushes over to her house to hear SS lie about something (because that's what he does)... truthfully SS does it so that he can see his parents together... Anyways... when I think back to those first days/years... I think you're making the right decision... it's something that doesn't really ever go away...that feeling of coming in 2nd... (not in my experience anyways)... it's sad, because I'm sure you love your BF..but you may as well end things now rather than after you're married.

Thank you StepAside! Well said. The crucial relationship in that man's life now is YOU, not the ex, and matters relating to the skids can be dealt with in a manner that is considerate to you. It is not for you to take a backseat because BM wants to talk about what kind of underwear to buy the skids while you wait in the car. They can deal with skid issues amongst themselves, on their time, not yours. Just because you date a man with kids does not mean that you automatically agree to wait around and take last place on the scale of importance. I am suprised at the tone of many of these posts...that women who want the BF/Hs to consider their needs too should go out and find men without kids?? Come on, how about a balance in life? How about compromise? How about solutions that work for all parties (with BM LAST on the importance scale)?

OMG...Stepaside..you struck a nerve for me

When my husband is working... it's like taboo to call him. He doesn't answer the phone or he gets really annoyed that I'm taking him away from his work... BUT BM will call him, and he answers no problem... or RUSHES to the side of SS at her house whilst he's faking an ailment!

Whatever... that's all I have to say.

Yeah, I guess you are better off w/o him...because this is typical treatment. Skids 1st, BM 2nd, you 3rd... Don't matter day of the week or if its your birthday, pecking order sticks. And I've been shutting up & putting up with that since the first week I dated him. I really don't think he would have changed if I pitched a fit, no, he would have broken up with me.

= low self esteem for SM

So by breaking up, you probably will be happier, healthier, maybe even richer LOL. Being a SM requires a lot of waiting & being quiet too. Skids don't respond asap to anything you tell them, DH won't until he asks BM position first -- its almost like you will be speaking another language so there will be zero communication... Just my experience in the last 3 years.

Ouch. The truth put so bluntly hurts Steptwins. "this is typical treatment. Skids 1st, BM 2nd, you 3rd... Don't matter day of the week or if its your birthday, pecking order sticks." I think you knocked the wind out of me. Yes, true, painful but true, and that one sentence I quoted is probably the answer to 99% of the "why?" questions posted on this site.

Well this reminds me of a while back... BM was on her "psycho cycle" and texted BF while we were otw to her house to drop off the kids.. Stating that she did not want me to come in her house! I was so flippin livid that if I would have went in I would have wanted to kill her.. Well I told BF not to go in.. Well he didn't wanna "drop his kids off in the garage" so..in BF went.. I sat in the car for about 3 mins or so, well when he got back to the car I didn't talk to him the whole way home. He asked why I was pissed and I said " I'm not a child, so don't make me feel like I'm a child being punished by having to sit in my car while you go in and talk to BM!" (And u know she loved it) He appplogised and said he didn't intend to do that.. (Ok) Anyhow, the following wknd at pick up I rode along, BF had to practically beg me to go in with him! He told BM that he and I are together, and she needs to grow up and act like an adult! ever since, I go in at every pick up!!!

BM does not come in my house. No way. Never. I don't go into hers either.

SO doesn't go into her house either. There is no need to.

Deliciairen, sorry I just saw ur response No appology needed, that's a fine response, BUT the only reason BM said that is cause BF told her 2 days prior that we were doin the bday party for SS sperate And she was acting like her typical 2 year old self.. Cause weeks before that, she was trying to invite me over to swim in her pool, play wii with her and the kids, drink a few beers and so on... She is a manipulator and a liar, she is childish.. And the best part, are you ready?? Less then a week after psycho BM banned me from her "home" she was sending me pics of the skids with sweet little messages all morning one day.. And BOOM, a few mins later BF calls n said BM wanted to drop the skids off to ME and have them stay the night, and BM would then pick them up from ME at MY house in the morning suprise, suprise.. So my argument then...? Oh yes, I'm banned from entering BMs scanktuary, but she wants an all access pass to MY home? Hahahahahahahaha... As for BF and drop off, he goes in, and has me go in with him every time... He is half a tard and I'm working on that

And stepaside, thanks! The best was 2 days prior to BM banning me, I was off on a weds (I'm usually not) so I rode with BF to BMs house to pick up, and BM wasn't expecting me.. My glory?? As BF opens the door to walk in, I stayed back a few steps, just enough to say the smile on BMs face when she saw BF, and then the pissed off half frown/used to be smile she got when I stepped in behind him
And! BM was wearing her skin tight shirt and booty shorts! BM actually hid behind the island in her kitchen.. Embarassy maybe?? I think so.. So BM texts BF how much she misses him and dresses like a hoe during pick ups? Your god damned right I'm walking in that house with MY man If that pisses anyone off, I'm sorry...

stepmasochiast, yes it was wonderful!!! it was kinda like this.... :jawdrop:
and i was so happy!!! BM plays her cards, or trys to... whatever.. There is no way im giving her the satisfaction of trying to win her pathtic battles.. And anyhow, BF was the one who told BM that i will be coming into her house, not me. I didnt even want to go in the next time... BFs exact words to me in the driveway before entering BMS scanktuary, " please come in with me baby, I was her to see what a real woman looks like" Could i say no???

deliciairene, yes they do!!! I had to go in after that