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  • this is posted in response to all the comments I recieved, hopefully now you will understaind my pain!

this is posted in response to all the comments I recieved, hopefully now you will understaind my pain!

vgill's picture

Submitted by vgill on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 11:30am

I come here to vent so I do not say things to my skids that will scar them. I love them and want the best for them but I am not their mother as they have pointed out so many times and I do not want to be their mother. DH and I have 4 other children and we love them very much and I know DH loves his oldest 2 boys very much also, but we are both tired of the chaos they create. I understand that the boys(skids) love us but the way that they disrespect us and try to sabatage our relationship hurts, and yes I am the grown up here and we do our best to ignore some of these things and pretend it doesn't hurt, but I am tired!I don't want to be attacked and hurt anymore! I know that the skids have abandonment issues with their BM and that she is a disneyland BM, and they trie to win her love as they feel there must have been some reason they weren't good enough for their Mom to take them in the divorce like is normal in most cases. DH tool sole custody of the boys 11 years ago with no contest from BM and the boys know this because BM has told them. DH has done a good job of raising them on his own (not perfect)but has done a little guilty parenting of his own. DH had a girlfriend that the Skids treated the same way they treat me with anger, reaentment, jelousy, and disrespect, and she finally lost it one day when they wouldn't stop and she beat them. I do not condone her actions but I certainly understand how she felt. Needless to say the relationship ended and they had DH all to themselves again, untill I came into the picture. we have been together for over 4 years and we are perfect for each other. DH has been working on his parenting skills and his biggest flaw has been discipline however he has gotten much better ver the last 2 years, that is where the problem lies. Skids don't want disciple and they sorely need it and everytime DH disciplines them the run crying to BM and she tells them Dad is being unfair and he cannot do that to them and he is only doing this because she (me) says so and they don't have to listen to me or DH because he is being unfair. Sh is creating a living hell in our household! I think that if she wants to cause these kinds of problems then maybe she should take the boys full time and try parenting for once! I am not oppopsed to EOW visits, I can be nice 4 days a month and tolerate what she has created. I just want some peace in my own home!

Comments

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 11:42am

Vgill - when I posted on your other blog asking "What do you want?" I didn't mean that to hurt you or put you on the defensive. I really wanted you to think about it.

It sounds like you want the boys to go live with their mom.

It also sounds like she won't take them, but is manipulating them to find fault with DH's home.

I don't know if you will get what you want. So that leaves you with the chore of trying to make work what you have been dealt with. Obviously, those boys can and do know how to get under skin and drive a wedge between their dad and his girlfriends.

I'm going to write now in present / action tense. You don't have to do these things, it is easier for me to write this way, so take it for what you will.

Honestly, I think you need to work on your husband first. And subtly and every day. Work on your husband. And get those 2 kids some help. Your husband is a big key in this.

I don't know how old they are, but if they are old enough, I would start, with your husband, fighting fire with fire. Don't trash BM, but don't let her bad behavior slide either. Stand up for yourself TO THEM. Don't depend on him to do it. I don't want you to hurt their feelings, but I also want you to call them on their bullsh*t. You can establish your presence and your place in the home - but your husband has to be on board.

They sound like they need a real "mother" figure in their lives. Now, the question is.... Is it worth it to you to fight them to give them what they really need?

ChaiLatte's picture

Submitted by ChaiLatte on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 12:34pm

Vgill you don't have to justify your pain and frustration to us. No one should be judging you for being at your wits end. You are dealing full time with two angry little boys that aren't yours that are making your life miserable. If anyone has a right to be angry, it's you. You are not telling them to their faces that you hate them, and you don't seem the type of person that ever would. No one can blame you for hating that situation. A lot has been asked of you, too much. I hope you get some relief soon, and BM decides to take back at least some of her responsibilities. That's really shitty of her to make this huge mess, then leave it for someone else to clean up.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

vgill's picture

Submitted by vgill on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 1:24pm

I think if they spent some time with their mother they may get a different point of view, these boys like to learn everything the hard way. I think that by living with their mother for 6 months to a year they would get to see that she really isn't as great as she makes herself out to be and then they may realize exactly how good they really have it here! we do so much for these boys in an effort to give them the best possible start in life, however BM undermines everything we do and therefore creates constant conflict in our home. I feel like if she had the opportunity to live with the conflict she has created she may change the way she sees things! She is feeling guilty because everyone knows why BM's don't get custody of their kids either they are completely unfit or they didn't want them, and with her it was the latter as she is very selfish and was too busy screwing around and partying to take care of her kids, and now she feels guilty because everyone knows that is what happened! we have tried counselling and tried youth groups and worked with teachers, and put them into confidance building programs that will help them, but they act out with hatred and disrespect towards DH and I as they feel they are being disloyal to their mother by loving us and all they want is to be loved by their mother and to know they are worthy of their mother, they think that their must be something wrong with them that their own mother didn't even want them, and they in thier own way think that if they hate dad and I that their mom will love them more because BM is jelous and hateful towards DH and I. I understand them! I just can't continue to have my house be turned upside down anymore. I am tired and I hate living like this! I know the boys hurt because of what their mother has done but there is no need for us to be the targets. BM needs to tke this responsability on for the sake of her children they need to know that she loves them! I can give them love and have been giving them my love but I have been hurt so many times that I am covered in scars and i don't want anymore!

Angel72's picture

Submitted by Angel72 on Mon, 02/01/2010 - 5:15am

I understand your pain. You are in a very tough position. After reading your blog i understand.
Is there any way you can get cps involved and go back to court to increase the visits with mom. I know she is the main factor of the boys pain and problems...but in their minds, they want their mom. They act out because of it and both you and your husband know this...see it...live it. Is there anyway you can increase the visits with their mother. Or at least keep dropping them off every weekend? If this woman has no substance abuse andits just because she can't handle them...heck...we all can't handle our kids sometimes. Even my 5 year old get the best of me sometimes. HE's soooo stubborn. And rebellious....
My thought is, if she is not a substance abuser, maybe a judge can reenforce more visitation or even make her take the kids 50 50...something...have you looked into it.?
Because as much as you understand the situ, you have a point, your family should not be a target for their pain. I know alot of family, their families sake they put the kids in foster homes. This generally happens when the kids will get violent with the others...andi'mafraid for your other 4 kids...
The way you describe the environment, you can have these kids removed based on your other kids.But i understand by doing this, it will hurt them more .....but maybe its too late...this kids are older...have been scarred...what if they hurt your kids?
I dont know vgill....your in a tough situation...but personally, i would protect my kids as a mother, i know you love these boys and want what is best for them, but the damage is done onthem thanks to mom and if they teach your kids and your kids gets scared by them...mmm...i dont know if i would be able to stand that. Its bad enough for them, but ot involve 4 other children....
Personally, you've done alot for the, they are severely damaged psychologically, you've written they physically attack you, i would just drop them off at mom's and say, they're yours, goodbye...sorry....
They want their mom. And if mom doesn't want them...tooooo bad. Keep dropping them off to her.