step parenting was easier in the beginning....
OK, I have tried everything I can think of but nothing seems to help. So I am hoping for some helpful advice. I have been with my DH for 6 years. I have a SS and a SD as well as a BD. In the beginning things were going fine. We got along with the BM well and communicated easily. We kept our mouths shut about what his children came back to us and said she was saying because we thought it was best for them to not have confrontation with the BM. About 3 years ago everything changed and she said I was harradding her through phone calls and text messages (which I never did), so I stopped all of my communication with her. DH does all the talking/texting with BM. BM has stated to the skids that she doesn't like us and doesn't like how we run our household. I do know that BM is entitled to her own opinion, but I don't feel she should be trying to persuade the skids to feel the same way she does. My DH has always paid CS even before the divorce was final because he felt that was the right thing to do. We have always helped with after school activities and things they participate in (usually paying more than BM) but she continues to tell skids that we don't don't pay for anything. My DH and BM do not follow the decree when it comes to visitation, we have them 50% of the time. BM took DH back to court almost 2 years ago to have CS increased and it was actually slightly lowered due to the fact that he adopted my BD. We knew from the beginning that we could have t he CS lowered when the adoption was final but chose not to go that route. However, she didn't want to work so she took it back to court.
My SS is 13 and my SD is 9 now. For the past year the skids have been completely disrespectful towards me and my BD. and recently have been acting that way towards my DH. the skids constantly throw out there what their mom says about us and try to hurt us with it. My DH asked the skids why they believe everything BM says about him/us and they state "it's my mom why wouldn't i believe her?". DH has tried to explain that he has never given them a reason to think this way about him and that it hurts him when they say such means things to him.
The skids also intentionally try to upset my BD who is 8. They say things like their mom won them in court (which is not the case) so they don't even have to come to visit (again not true). My BD loves them both very much and wishes they were here 100% of the time so she really gets upset when they tell her they don't want/have to be here.
The skids also try to cause ripples inte water for DH and myself. I used to take a very active parenting role in the their lives, but lately I have stopped. Anytime I have ever asked them to do something or scolded them to run to DH and complain that I am just being mean. They have also admitted that they tell the BM the same things. My DH used to listen to them and come to me and ask me to be nicer, but since then he has seen how they treat me he has let them know its unacceptable and they need to respect me as an adult if nothing else(previously they only did it when he wasn't around, but now they do it all the time).
Yesterday my DH told the skids that if they can't be respectful and act decent towards us there are consequences. He also told them if they don't want to be in our home they donb't have to be (he said this because they are saying how much better their BM home is than ours). So last night BM sent a text to DH asking whats going on because the skids say they dont want to come back to our house.
The skids seem to have forgotten that it was US who were there for them when ever they needed something or when they were sick, not their BM. BM was too busy partying and trying to find a man in the beginning, so she couldbn't be bothered with raising children if it interferred with her fun. The BM did eventually remarry 2 years ago and has since been able to convince the skids that SHE is the one who has always taken care of them and done everything for them.
BTW, their BM/SF get much more respect, love, and admiration than we do.
Is there a way to fix this behavior?? Or should DH let them live with their mom and just see them EOW?
I should also add that DH and I feel very anxious when we know the skids are coming because of all the drama they bring into our house. He has said that it would be better if they werent around as much since they seem to hold loyalty only to BM, but yet now he doesn't want to let go. I do understand his feelings, I never wanted things to end up this way, but I also hate how they have such utter disregard for me and my BD.
We have trie counseling but that only works as well as you allow it. Quite frankly what we get is either lip service (get told what they think we wanna hear) or how everything is the BM's fault and we spend the entire time focused on BM. I feel thats a waste of time and money because lip service does us no good and we have no control over how BM runs her household
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When I was reading your post
When I was reading your post what came to mind is that it's almost like the kids are trying hard to convince themselves that it's worse at your house b/c that way it's better at their moms ( in their minds), when in fact it's actually probably the opposite - worse at bm's and better with you.
I think thats part of it. We
I think thats part of it. We try our best to give all the kids in our home nice things to have, good clothes to wear, etc. BM has only been doing that since she met her new husband. SD said to DH 2 days ago "you should hear about how my mom feels about the way you were raised" while we were having the discussion on the way we run our house. We enfore responsiblity in our home. All kids have a few minor chores to do around the house, to help out. We have tried to talk to them about the fact that our job is to teach them the fundamentals in life so they can grow up to be good, hardworking, productive adults. SD doesn't like that idea so she threw the comments out there about how BM says "we are taking their childhood away" and that my MIL "treated DH like an adult as a kid" and how wrong that is. skids have also expressed that they agree with their BM when she says that if DH wasnt so busy with me he would have more time and money for them. skids are trying to cause ripples so they will be his center and nobody else.
Talking to BM gets nowhere.
Talking to BM gets nowhere. She denies ever saying anything bad about us. She usually just ends up saying anything shitty to DH that she can so he refuses to have any confrontation with her. The reason he "gave" them a choice on visitation is because I think he thought it scare them into wanting to be at our house, but it didn't work. Now he is saying that they don't get a choice, he will force them to be at house 50% of the time just as it has always been.
Truth is, I'm not sure I want them around that much anymore. I love them but at the same time I loathe them. I feel as though they try to punish my and my BD for being with their father and having a life eben when they are with their BM. They act as though our life should stop when they aren't here
I really hope you don't have
I really hope you don't have to see the disrespect part. It's hard when my BD sees how they treat me and all that happens is they get yelled at or talked to. I noticed my BD was starting to treat me the way they do and immediately put a stop to it, but I don't want her to feel like she's being singled out. Problem is I have very little control over the skids, but I have complete control over how my BD acts and treats people.
We have tried to shut down
We have tried to shut down the "Mmmy said..." BS. We have always told the skids that we don't condone the bad mouthing of the other parent, but theres nothing we can do to stop it. We have told them repeatedly that we do NOT want to hear what she thinks of us or says about us, but they just keep bringing it. What these skids really need is a good old fashion spanking when they exhibit bad behavior, but we all know that CAN'T happen! LOL
just reading through your
just reading through your posts and now through your comments, it is clear that these kids don't receive any real consequences. For some children being told "no" and a lecture works, however not with most. You will have to set consequences for actions. I am one who believes that the punishment should fit the crime. However, you also have to find a punishment that really matters to the skids.
If they are disrespectful, then they have to eat their dinner on the floor away from the family, or write lines about being nice.
You can take away t.v. or game privileges or anything that is valuable to them.
You can also reward good behavior. For instance (this is an example to get you to think about your situation not to emulate mine) I have a craft room. It is off limits and the girls are only "invited" to be in there by me. If they are kind to me I will invite them in to do a craft project, if not, well then I don't. They love doing crafts and they love going through my stuff!
This encourages them to treat me well.
Also, SD10 has been very rude, snubbing her nose at some of the stuff I have esp. if she would rather watch t.v. than do a project. I tell her she can go to her room and play or read. She doesn't have to do xyz project with me and SD8 but she's not watching t.v. (it helps that there is no t.v. in her room). That straightens her right up and she joins in. With SD10 it's about control, so if I give her a choice that seems to help her get past herself.
This is how DH does it: He has a motorcycle and the girls LOVE going for rides with him on it. It has been a punishment before that SD10 could not go for a ride with him because she was hitting her sister and he took SD8 who was respectful and kind instead. Broke SD10s heart...but she used to hit SD8 ALL THE TIME and DH really stepped up the parenting on that and it rarely happens anymore.
SD10 does the things you describe with BM. DH has said it is mean and even said to her, "what if I told you I like DD8 better, she's easy to get along with and is very loving, wouldn't be very nice of me, would it?" I think that hurt SD10 but it gave her a taste of her own medicine.
DH isn't great about consequences, but he does spank. He also sets down consequences and doesn't follow through with them. Or he gets really good about disciplining a certain behavior and then he just goes soft. It's not the easiest thing to do, but just start. Get together with your DH and start a game plan. And just be there to gently get him back on track if necessary.
Try to ignore BM comments unless it is directly disrespectful to you/dh/dd, they are trying to bait you mostly. I generally say, "that's nice you do xyz with your mom." Or "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is how we do things here. When you have a family of your own you will get to decide how to run your house, but this is how we run ours." If it is over the line then administer the punishment that you and DH set ahead of time. Also, have everybody sit down together when nobody is upset and then have your dh list out the behaviors that are unacceptable and then the consequences that will be administered. That way they know ahead of time what to expect.
Hope this helps. There are lots of books and resources out there to help if you need it.
There was also an incident
There was also an incident involving supper mon & tues. On monday I made ham and potatoes au gratin. SD didn't want to eat taters so she cried and threw a fit at table. I sent her to her room while the rest of us ate and allowed to finish when we were done. When she came back to the table she did it again and DH let her slide but said nothing else to eat. Tuesday I used the left over ham to make eggs benedict for supper. Again SD threw a fit and then said she didn't feel well. DH sent her to her room to lay down. DH got called into work early shortly after. When DH left SD came back down saying she felt fine and was hungry, so I told her to eat what we had for supper. She whined about it, ate a few bites and went upstairs to play. When it was bedtime she was laughing and everything was fine. Then SD and SS started screaming for me to go upstairs. SD said she wasn't feeling well, her stomach hurt. I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom in case she needed to throw up. She said no. I asked her to go anyway because I didn't want her to throw up all over the bedroom and she wouldn't go. As soon as I got down the stairs she starts throwing up EVERYWHERE!! Then turns laughing, and says to SS "I told u the ham was bad". 5 people ate that ham 2 nights in a row and she is the only one who threw up 1x!! She slept all night and was fine the next day. I think a part of me wonders if she intentionally made herself sick just to be a brat?! it wouldn't be the first time I have seen that happen
I think you handled it ok,
I think you handled it ok, she probably really did have an upset stomach and would have thrown up anything you fed her. And you can point out to her that if the meat had been bad everybody would be throwing up, not just her.
I try not to force kids to eat though. I generally give them a choice, if you don't eat dinner, you don't get dessert. SD8 is a horribly picky eater, and she eats like a bird if she thinks she will have dessert so she has room for it.
It's a constant battle. After dinner one night, I made chicken quesadilla...which they eat everywhere else, but for some reason she didn't feel like eating it. We were going to the moivies that night and I told her before we left,
Asheeha: "If you don't at least one quesadilla you can't have candy at the theater"
SD8: "You can't make me eat it!"
Asheeha: "I'm not making you do anything, I'm just letting you know"
She went to her bedroom and then 5 min later she came back to the table and finished her quesadilla. She needed the proper motiviation.
I also think, as a society, we are spoiled when it comes to food. I have no problem, in general, for kids to skip a meal. If she refuses to eat, fine, she doesn't have to eat it, but that's all she's going to get.
I guess it's not just the
I guess it's not just the fact that she was blaming her sickness on the ham I cooked, but also at the fact that SD is 9 years old. She's old enough to know that if you need to throw up get to the toilet! My BD8 caught on to that concept long ago and has no problem running to the toilet. I can understand missing it! We've all been there. But to stand bent over the floor, to me, is unacceptable at that age.
Mt mom always forced me to
Mt mom always forced me to eat so I didn't force my kids. If they didn't like what I cooked their only other choice was always a PBJ and they could eat all the carrot sticks they wanted. My kids loved PBJ and carrot sticks dipped in Ranch so much that they often asked for that for supper and when I knew my dh (at the time) was not going to be home, that's exactly what we'd have. I think kids love to battle and WIN so let them win once in awhile by getting the default supper.
Also I just want to say this... I am be no means a perfect parent and even less of a good smom, but I have found by watching others and raising my own that the less fight and attention paid to kids yukky behaviors the less yukky behaviors you have. It's like they act out to GET ATTENTION! If your sd is crying at the table, just keep talking like she's not there, if she gets louder dont raise your voices just keep on talking like you are enjoying your meal and family time. In a week you will see that she will stop crying, start eating and start talking softly.
I raised a disabled daughter and she was absolutely difficult and very demanding and controlling. It drove me nuts for years and she got worse. I had a behavioral specialist come into my home weekly for a year and we finally figured out that ignoring bad behavior and catching and rewarding good was what worked for my daughter best. Even tho she was extremely mentally behind she figured out that crying whining screaming and tantrumming was going to get nothing, and that doing what she was told and behaving like a nice little person got her huge rewards of us paying attention to her, smiling, buying her fun things, letting her use things like the tv, computer etc. she started to behave. It was NOT easy. In fact there were days I just wanted to give up. One day I sat on the kitchen floor and cried my eyes out and she sat beside me all worried, i think it got better after she saw that her behaviors caused me such grief.
Anyhow, hope that helps :O
Skids have seen me cry
Skids have seen me cry because I try and try and try yet they don't respect me. SS13 told me once he hated me and his mom is right about us. I've ignored bad behavior and definitely rewarded good behavior. I've even been known to cave and do something nice for them if their behavior is good for a while after the bad. SS13 has a cell phone that his BM pays for and he brings to our house. We caught him sending BM text messages full of lies about our house. He steals things from our bedroom (which now has a keyed lock), from my BD, and around the house. Then he takes these things to his BM's house and plays like he doesn't know where those things went. We've caught him at this multiple times. SD9 rubs in DH's face anytime she asks her SF to do something like a daddy daughter dance, and asks her if he's ok with that. DH is comfortable knowing that their SF treats them well and takes an active role so encourages the skids to treat him as a father figure because in that house he is the dad. But it really bothers him that they take no interest in doing anything like that with him or doing nice things as a family. If they don't get things their way they make it their mission to ruin it fofr everyone else involved.
We have tried taking things
We have tried taking things away for punishment. Tried offering fun rewards for good behavior. I don't force them to eat but won't allow any treats or desserts either. Weve sat them ALL down hundreds of times over the years to explain the rules in a calm environment. we tried reverse psychology,lol. I've tried the "I'm sorry u feel that way but...." and the "I realise thats how ur BM's house works but this is how our house works..." I've made them write sentences. I've sent them to their room to eat dinner alone. Earlier bedtime, no friends over or phone calls, etc...
Were both at a loss as to where to turn at this point. DH's mother is a social worker and weve asked her for advice. The problem with that is my MIL doesn't think skids are the problem, she thinks that they are angels and just misunderstood. However, since the BM decided to contact MIL about a year ago, MIL doesn't have much to do with me or my BD. MIL claims to loathe BM, but is very niccey nicey to her and listens to all BM's complaints about us. Which I think has given her a skewed perception of what is really going on. She actually told my DH this morning that he needs to take a child development class in order to learn how to "properly" deal with this situation. I took that class a couple years ago when I was in college. BM is a master manipulator and has managed to create 2 "mini-me's" of herself. They have adapted their game over the years and gotten to where theyre at because people feel sorry for them because their parents are divorced.
Also SS13 feels like he should always be the center of attention and will do anything to get that! Even if it means screaming at the top of his lungs when its bedtime or when there is company over to visit. He will do ANYTHING to monopolize 100% of everyone's time to make sure nobody is getting something he doesn't.
I'm at my witts end! Which is why I've changed the way I interact with them. I don't go out of my way for them anymore. I really don't talk to them much unless they ask me something and then I keep my answers short and to the point. Skids are constantly going to BM with complaints about our house (even if they haven't talked to us about something that bothers them) so that she will call/text DH and fight with him. They are very good at pitting the houses against each other and seem to thrive on it. SS13 actually has stated he likes it better when the 2 houses are fighting because then he can get away with more things.
He does ignore it. If she
He does ignore it. If she calls and starts yelling he calmly tells her if she can't be civil he will hang up. It usually results in a hang up. The skids know thats what will happen and that it upsets my DH that they lie and try to throw him under the bus all the time with her. They just don't seem to care who they hurt or upset.
well maybe a good counselor
well maybe a good counselor could help you. you have kids 50/50 so you could take them for individual counselling without moms say?
then you wouldn't be in the sessions and they might not feel like they need to manipulate as much?
here is a book i've heard has worked with others...it's worth a read if your at your wits end! "Have a new teenager by friday!"
http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Teenager-Friday-Responsible/dp/0800720210...
We did try counseling but BM
We did try counseling but BM didn't agree with it and made sure she was present at all appts. She called the place we went and requested to be alerted to any appts made. She's also done the same with the family dr. BM is not going to let skids go into a therapy appt without her present! I will look that book up and chceck it out!
your bm sounds like xh
your bm sounds like xh
psycho. Well then let the spawn go back to whence they came from 
It sounds like no matter how much love you pour into those two little buckets, they have no bottom and it goes right thru. You'll wear yourself out doing anything - and they're not even teens yet. Comes now the 15 yr old with his cell phone and starts taking pics and sending them to bm and you will have absolutely NO privacy left 
Sometimes ya get to a point where ya have to just throw in the towel and tell yourself you did the damndest best job ya could - then wash your hands. We did that with my ss18. We wanted to get him to graduation but it was impossible to live with this giant self entitled baby. We kicked him out. I know ya can't kick out your little skids, but heck maybe eow is enuf already. Just let em go. 
Sorry 
Wish I could help more.
^^^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sometimes, you just have to throw in the towel. I tried for years with my skids, it just wasn't going to work.
Remember, at the end of the day, this is true of all step-parents: THESE AREN'T YOUR KIDS! In some rare cases, skids and step-parents get along and have a meaningful relationship, but this is very rare. If things are not workign with the skids, don't beat yourself up over it.
Thanks for your advice! Dh
Thanks for your advice! Dh got a phone call from BM this afternoon wanting to know what happened tuesday. He explained their behavior in our house and what was said to skids. As it turns out SS13 has decided he wants to keep the visitation schedule the same as it has been. SD9 does not. SD9 wants to stay with her mom and just visit eow. DH feels very torn because he know it's probably for the best, but doesn't want to let his daughter go. He did talk to SD9 personally to make her tell him this herself. Skids also said the reason they don't like to come here is because I am so horrible to them. So DH and I had a discussion regarding this. I am sick to death of bending over backwards trying to make them feel accepted and equally loved. Skids consume the majority of our time leaving very little for my BD8. DH said he's worried I will shut skids out emotionally, I'm not worried it will happen because I think I'm already there. I will continue to take care of them as far as food, shelter, clothes, etc but I don't have the energy or desire to do much else for them. I'm tired of being the "wicked" stepmom! I have shown nothing but love and compassion for skids and this is how they show their appreciation?? At 13 & 9 years old they know right from wrong. They know that what they do is hurtful and spiteful. I'm actually relieved that SD9 isn't going to be here much. I wish SS13 would make the same choice, as much as I know it will upset DH. I deserve some respect in my home and my BD deserves to have some attention paid to her for a change. She has always had to take a backseat to the skids and it just isn't right! Well not anymore as far as I'm concerned!
I also regret ever letting skids call me mom. They don't treat me with respect or love the way a mother should be treated so why call me by that title? I am NOT THEIR mom, I have always known this and have never tried to replace BM. I cringe every time they say it. However they have called me that since DH and married in 2008 so....is it something I should leave alone or is it ok to have them go back to calling me by name? I don't want to be considered immature or have DH think I'm just lashing out at them, but at the same time the way they treat me is like I'm not even human at all so why shouldn't they call me by my name?
Oh and when DH was talking on
Oh and when DH was talking on phone to SD9 she told him the reason she wanted to live with her mom is because she needs a break from our house and that this would be a good break for him as well. My feelings on this is that my house does not have a revolving door. SD9 DOES NOT get to make her own rules as she goes! I told DH that when she decides she wants to go back to the schedule we had (and will still have with SS13) she first needs to give a VALID reason we should allow her to change it back and then discuss it before a decision is made. I'm not going to make that an easy change for her because every choice in life has consequences. Like it or not!