Bio Parent Guilt
What is this and when does it stop?
The logic that parents feel guilty for a breaking up a childs happy home - and thus let them ruin the next home is hard to get my mind around.
One of my step kids never met his dad, 2 of them from another dad get little or no attention from him. For the last 8 years I have cooked, cleaned, taken to school, driven, and cared for my step kids better than thier own mother. But she has let them become rude, disrespectful, lazy, failing students, who apprecaite nothing and have no expectations placed on them nor consequences for their actions. When I ask why - it is because she feels bad about all they have been through.
Is this denial? Is this an excuse? Or do parents feel so bad about divorcing that kids just get a free pass to be out of control? Even to the extent they may ruin the chance they had at a nice family.
I am the closest I have ever come to washing my hands of the whole situation. Even if guilt is legitimate, at some point you have paid your dues - and I have paid dues for a situation I didn't create.
AWB
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Amen
It defies logic or even common sense. I guess it is a total abdication of the responsibility and obligation they took on when they had kids! to what purpose?!! Oh well, time has a way of correcting this or not.
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2Your house- your rules
I understand your frustrations. It does make a parent sad that their kids have to experience divorce and the separation of their parents -but that doesn't mean they give up their duties as a parent. It's unfortunate the biological mom has given up parenting her kids.
But- in your home, you and your husband are in charge. You need to set aside some quality time with your husband to establish house rules and expectations. These rules are for every child that lives or visits your house. If these rules are not met- there should be consequences (enforced by the biological parent living in your home, if possible.) For more information, read Blended Family Advice Ebook http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/blendedfamliyadviceebook
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Shirley is a stepmom to 3 kids, and biological mom to 2 kids, ages 14-21. She is a counselor, coach and author. Shirley has a passion for helping blended families be strong and successful. She has a website dedicated to help step families and blended families.
http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com
Agree with Crayon
I also have the same issue. I have tried to talk to BF about firm rules and consequences for them. His answer was 'rewards' or 'lesser rewards' if they broke rules.
I was in shock.
I am thinking this stems more from his "perfect" daughter not his son or my kids.
What to do if the BioParent will NOT enforce this? If you see my most recent blog, it is about this exact problem.
I am seeing a counselor about these things, but I really wish this would get fixed faster... some way to hit him over the head with a frying pan (guess Bridezilla kind of thing) to show him what he is doing.
I think most of us know what needs to happen, I think the question is more, how to make it happen with the guilty parenting BF!
HA HA HA
I guess I neglected to emntion I AM THE STEP DAD. When daycare for the three step kids became too costly, I went to work part time. The guilty party in this scenario is their bio mom. She made three men dads, two of which are bums. I stepped in and tried to make a family but she just ran right over me and tought them to do the same. The only thing holding has been that we have son together and I have delusional thinking I am sparing him trauma by staying. I think he has seen enough trauma since fighting over the other kids is a weekly thing.
The difference between my son and step kids is night and day. that is because I raise my son - she raises the other three. This became the arrangement after she point blank said "my kids are not your business and not your problem". Basicaly, shut up. She has since raised some of the most lazy, rude, unpleasant children. And I feel for them because the world outside this house is not going to be sympathetic.
oops, got long winded. Just wanted to clarify I am a struggling step DAD.
AWB
Oh my =(
Ratigan, I feel for you. I know the feeling.
My BF said the same thing, "stay out of it" I was hurt so deeply. I was trying to help him and his daughter and I got the punch to the gut.
It is so hard.... we as step parents can see this issue... clearly! They don't and won't, and it is hard to accept.
As I sit here and brainstorm about it, maybe to remind them that we live there too. I can understand how my child can affect him and his family, he should try to understand the same.
Hang in there... we are here for you man!!!
This should shock you
As I may have said, the three step kids come from 2 different dads. My bio son makes me dad number 3 in the mothers life.
One dad dropped off his "seed" and split. The kid has never met him. The other two have a dad who pays no support, lives down the street, and when he takes them - drops them at his house and goes out to "work"-wink wink. (i can tell you his line of work does not take place at 9 at night).
You would think if you found a good man, with a job, willing to help make a family after all other dads failed - you would be grateful and appreciative for his efforts. But to train your kids to be disrespectful, lazy, and crap on him? Yes, I know, I was obviously a meal ticket and a source of free labor. But even then wouldn't you make an effort to make it worth staying.
I have a foot out the door - and yet somehow it makes me feel like the bad guy. Crazy?
AWB
I feel your pain
It is denial!! I, too, have a spouse that parents out of guilt. The shame behind it all is that we have a young child together, and the BF is pushing the limits. Soon to create a second child from a broken home.
It is extremely sad.
The guilt is only good for the partent at the time, and never does any good for the child at hand. Instead, it leaves the child with out any structure and ability to spread their wings to make it in this already difficult world.
Bio Child
My bio child has been a blessing for my wife. If it were not for him, she would have seen my backside running out the door long ago. But it tore me up inside to "ruin" his home". It has taken me a long time to realize it is ruined - because of the weekly/daily fighting over the other kids and their behavior she allows.
Many cannot believe I am a dad with enough conscience to want to put up with her for the sake of my son. Most think a man will run when he can - maybe true, maybe a bad stereotype. I endured for the last 7 + years in the name of keeping his home intact, good or bad. And it breaks my heart to break his home, seems selfish just because I can no longer tolerate these conditions. But part of the fault lies with the hands-off mother who has had years to take action.
And true, none of these are kids are headed towards a good life in the real world. This house and their mother will be the only sanctuary from reality.
AWB