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Im always the bad one

wedge555's picture

Submitted by wedge555 on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 10:23am

So, I need some advice/help.  DH had 5 kids (2 grown with 1 woman) (3 younger ones with the shedevil).  The oldest daughter loves to communicate with her siblings mom...causing so much drama.  DH defends her but that isn't the main issue.  Everytime the kids come over, they witness their dad and I fighting.  It is so much tension.  Them texting their mom stuff like little spies.  Their mom feed them shit about us...especially me.  Eldest daughter starts calling me the wedge because I have boundaries in my life with drama.  DH never had a great relationship with the younger 3.  I have put my foot down that respect is necessary for them to come over.  Well, they havent been over in a year.  I feel betrayed when DH reaches out to them (usually he gets disrespected).  As of lately, he is now going to see them; mainly cuz the xxx (aka their mom) has a new bf they dont like.  So NOW they want to start this relationship.  I am sick to my stomach.  They now say the reason they didn't wanna come over is because they could tell I was stressed and didn't want them there.  I have NEVER given any indication of that.  I am so sick of being the punching bag and reason.  DH even puts the kids down but I know he wants that ideal realtionship (that isn't gonna ever happen).  Oldest daughter is in for a rude awakening.  I am sick of her yet always have to watch what I say cuz she is the "perfect daughter".  DH says she is just naive and doesn't have a malicious bone in her body, despite her always communicating shit to all the exes.  What do I do?  The fighting has already started.....

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ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:04am

It may seem like the kids and the ex(s) are issues, but all the while, your SO sits in the middle defending other people's actions against you and fighting with you in front of his children.

I know it isn't easy... but I do feel that parents should avoid fighting or conflict resolution of controversial issues in front of their kids.  It's easier when there is a united front on rules and boundaries.

But.. again.. you are wife number 3 for this guy... does he pick poorly? or is he perhaps a huge part of the problem when his relationships don't work? Not saying that to mean you are a bad pick... just that sometimes people are attracted to a type and that type is problematic.  I'm also 3rd wife.. but I had a fairly decent handle on why his relationshps had not been successful. And.. yep.. my DH was part of the problem.. but it was also that he was poorly matched with people who had issues of their own.

I do have a feeling the kids sensed much more of your feelings than you realize... and of course the fighting had to be a clue as well.

Have you thought of seeking therapy for you as a couple?  It sounds like there are a bunch of moving pieces.. but central is your own relationshp and it's own set of problems... improve that and improve communication and some of those other issues may resolve to an extent.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:18am

Well, your DH sounds like the root of the problem, here. He has zero boundaries with any of his kids. And he defends them instead of you.

wedge555's picture

Submitted by wedge555 on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:22am

Thanks for the feedback.  He has sent screenshots of our texts where I tell him he needs to put me above them in order for this to work. It has caused a lot of pain and some resentment.  I am wife #5!!  He is very good at telling me what I want to hear.  But I feel betrayal that he is even talking to them....he always says, they are just kids...but I smell a lot of manipulation and bullshit that I just can't handle.  Then I feel guilty that I don't want him seeing them :( 

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:26am

So, I'm wife #3 and always a bit offended when other people get judgy about that. I feel like my DH did not choose well for his first two marriages (one was a good, normal person, but they were too young; the other was BM and she's Batshit Crazy) and our marriage has lasted longer so far then both of the others. 

But 5 times, yes, I'd have to wonder.  He sounds pretty manipulative himself. 

wedge555's picture

Submitted by wedge555 on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:30am

Trust me....wife #5....hello?  But I also feel he didn't choose well.  There is something deep seeded with him that I try to "fix".  You know, stupid problem that I can fix this man.  Don't take offense.  We all live and learn.  It takes a very strong woman to be the last! 

 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 11:49am

People don't need to necessarily judge.. but when you have multiple relationships go south.... it's not a bad thing to reflect on why that might be.  I mean... certainly we can all have bad luck.  We can all get fooled.. or rush into something.. especially when young.  But I listened carefully when my DH talked about his earlier marriages.. and I felt that, like you, he had a fairly good handle on where he went wrong.  First for mine was also "too young" and the 2nd one was someone that was a master at hiding her true colors until they got married.. he started to see the light the day of the wedding.. but went through with it because he thought it was just nerves or something.. in the end..as some pretty warped priorities and was found to be a pretty HC person. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 12:47pm

I don't know how to say this w/ tact but I'll try: the problem is him. He is the common denominator. He could shut down the nonsense, he chooses not to. Hell, he wade into it and makes it worse for you. 

Three questions: 

1. do you have children w/ him?

2. what do you get out of this relationship?

3. where do you see this in 5 years?

wedge555's picture

Submitted by wedge555 on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 1:12pm

1.  No we have no children together.  My children live with us full time and he has a great relationship with them (I will take total responsibility for nurturing that one!) But he throws that up in my face (apples-oranges if ya ask me)

2.  I ask myself that all the time.  Tbh, I do love him and he is a great person.  Been together 5 years and has made tremendous progress....why quit now? And I live comfortably...(being honest)

3.  If I am being honest with myself, a hail Mary has to happen for us to be together.  The kids havent been around in so long and it is very sporatic. I am disengaged at this point with them yet it still consumes me.   I am hopeful my patience and  tolerance grows. 

Good questions!  Thank you.  It is like I already read the boards where people say RUN.  

wedge555's picture

Submitted by wedge555 on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 1:20pm

Main issue I am having with DH is his fear of missing out.  By sticking to his guns, he is missing parts of his grandkids life.  So time has went by and now he is slowly letting his guard down. Asking me how long I want to do this? He tells me he will make it better I just have to give this all time.  How do I ever trust all this? I am tired of being the bigger person! Even with kids.  I beleive they know exactly what they are doing and he has dad guilt from not being there.  Now they want a relationship cuz they have no male role model as BM has divorced like 4 times.  So he says he feels sorry for them and wants to step up (eye roll). Am I missing something?  Am I being too harsh?  

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/19/2021 - 1:38pm

It's in HIS control to make things work with his kids if he wants to do that.  He can have a relationship with them without it being a betrayal to you necessarily... he doesn't HAVE to choose to eliminate one or the other.. but if he is not willing to INSIST on respectful behavior by all participants.. then those relationships with the kids will need to be outside of your home (speaking adult kids mainly here).  

But, in the home.. even with the minor kids.. he needs to insist on respectful behavior.. that means following rules of the home (that HE lays down).. and being polite and civil to other occupants.  They do not necessarily need to have a close and friendly relationship with you.  But they cannot be rude.  You are also free to make plans with your own kids if/when his are around so that there is not so much forced togetherness... and he can also take his kids out to do things separately.  You each have kids.. and you CAN do things with them that do not include your spouse.  As long as the relationship with the children isn't overwhelmingly excessive so that you are excluded from some huge portion of his time.. I think it's OK for him to maintain a relationship with them.. even if they don't like you.  It's tough.. to swallow.. but the reality is that most people don't like everyone.. and they don't have to LIKE or LOVE you.. they do have to respect your position as a head of household and his wife though.

But... again.. his kids in the home mean HE needs to be there ensuring house rules are obeyed.. that they are respectful and give consequences when they fail to meet that expectation.