The rule in our house, is once you get your grade 12, you can stay at our house, but the rule is either you go to school, and still get to stay rent free, or you work. If you work you pay rent. End of story. My BS17 didn't get his grade 12 this year (whole other blog), but he worked monday - friday 8:00 - 4:30. He is enrolled to go to school starting August 31. If he doesn't get his grade 12 this time it is out of the house. Sorry I agree with you, you do not need to finance him, he should finance himself.

This young man sounds like my Lazy SD Princesses (20 & 25). Lazy, Lazy, Lazy. One of the darlings goes to bed around 8:00 PM and sleeps until 8:00 AM because she "Needs her beauty rest"-a direct quote from Lazy SD Princess age 25 who still lives at home and has her daughter living with us as well. I am having a horrible time trying to get the two adult girls to move out of my house. And I'm tired of being a babysitter for my step granddaughter. Those SD Princesses barely work, talk on their cell phones all day, and when they are not on their cell phones they are on my phone, watch TV, hang out, go play and swim, take trips and don't pay for anything to go toward the household. My husband won't kick them out or demand that they pay for anything. He mentions stuff to them-for instance, "It sure would be nice if you vacuumed". Well, you know how that is going to go, it doesn't get done. I end up doing it. When I tell him he needs to tell them that they must vacuum as part of living in the home, he says, "I'll talk to them about it". Shit, he's not going to do a thing to upset those little darlings. Your wife has the same thing going on. My other Lazy SD Princess is the Queen of Entitlement. She flat out told me that her Dad and I owe her and we should do everything for her.

Yes, make her choose. The kid needs to grow up. I wish you luck. Hopefully she chooses you over the Lazy Troll.

I have no clue what my husband thinks he owes them. All I can figure is that he is trying to make up for his ex-wife being a crappy mother to their children together. She was a crappy mother, there is no doubt about that, but come on, they are big girls now and can take care of themselves. No, my husband had a real good childhood, so he is not trying to make up for anything in his upbringing.

Yes, the Lazy SD Princesses do lie about doing chores. My favorite one recently was when I had cleaned house in the morning, then my DH and I went somewhere and when we came home the 20 year old Lazy SD Princess proudly informed her father, "Dad, I vacuumed while you were gone!" Good one. Get this, he thanked the Lazy SD Princess for her hard work. When I got him out of her earshot I reminded him that I had cleaned house before we left and asked him if he had forgotten. He just laughed it off. I don't get it. He is also the first to agree the ladies have to go, but then won't give them the boot.

19...I would request he either get a full time job--move out within a year (or less) OR he be enrolled full time in college with a min. 2.0 GPA ( c average). This is a request she could wrap her brain around.

Sorry that last sentence sounded nasty, didn't mean it to be. It is something she will think about instead of getting angry

is a little different, since my step-munchkins are still very young, but we have a strict policy that the kids have to do their homework and half an hour of reading before they can play video games. After they finish that (and their chores) they can play half an hour of games. They threw histrionic fits at first, but now they are pretty cheerful about the rules and don't complain much. With their trashy BM they have unlimited games and since we have them right after school and ensure that their homework is done, she doesn't have to deal with that at all (my current gripe) but doesn't set any limits, unfortunately. We have them for such a short time after school that they don't have a lot of free time after their obligations are done, which is too bad, but during weekends that we have them, they get their stuff done and have plenty of time and don't complain about the 1/2 hour limit. One thing I have noticed is that after being with the BM, they are completely unable to entertain themselves. They mope around and ask me to find something for them to do and are never able to come up with things on their own. I encourage outdoor play (he he) and playing with their toys or reading. We also do projects like making dinosaur models and we also include them on cooking projects, which they love. This weekend we are making homemade beef jerky and they are pretty excited about it.

BM thinks that giving in to their whims and temper tantrums will make them love her more, but in reality, they don't respect her and she doesn't realize that she is actually creating kids that don't know how to entertain themselves in healthy ways. I grew up without a tv, but tons of books and I spent hours and hours playing with my homemade dollhouse (a toolbox under a folding chair with dolls made out of old socks). My mom took me to fabric stores and bought me bundles of scrap fabric and my little sister and I spent hours making doll dresses and building our own dollhouse furniture. When not doing that, I was outside climbing trees or helping my step-dad make furniture in his shop. I was also a bookworm and still adore books. I feel sad for my skids that they are having their imaginations stunted and are slowly losing the natural imagination and ability for creative play that all kids have normally.

What can you do though? Is your W down with setting a video game limit? If your SS's interests are in WOW and things like that, there are tons of books and movies on that kind of theme. I would also highly recommend having a Wii (if it's affordable of course!) rather than any of the other gaming programs because it has a lot of active games that emphasize health and activity. We got a Wii fit for Christmas and my older SS actually picks that over his other games for the most part! We are getting him to do aerobics, yoga and sports through a video game and he doesn't even realize it!

Anyway, your 19 year old should really be earning privileges at that age!!! At that age, I had been in college for three years already and saved my money for my own used car from my part time job. As a teen, I had to pay for my own ballet lessons and bought all my own dance wear (including new 80.00 pointe shoes once a month!). I was going to school part-time, working part-time and dancing for four hours in the evening every day but Sunday. Starting at age 18, I was also paying my mom 200.00 for rent and paid 1/3 of her utilities. I'm so glad she had high expectations of me and made me earn things because that prepared me for independent adult life.

Hope all goes well and you get your gamer off his butt!

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

I don't think that you are wrong in your request. I wouldn't allow my own bs to get away with this behavior. I would be throwing out anything he uses to play games with if he refused to be a responsible adult! It has to start somewhere! She is forcing you to have to do this because it is not his house, it is you and your wife's house and he needs to respect that! The sad truth is, she is hurting him as well.

I was spoiled and I have always wondered how my life would be different if I had NOT been.

I was kicked out at 18. Not because I was bad, but because I was 18. This was also after not being shown how life works... I was given everything, except responsibility. I remember my mom doing my homework!!! I would NEVER do that now. My girls do their own home work. It is for them, not me. I do not understand this thing that these parents do.

I feel bad that my girls dad and I are not together for them, but I do not feel guilty at all.

Interesting how an entitled girl can still learn humility and responsibility huh?

Doing them no favors by letting them stay... they need to become adults and that will be a very hard transition for them, but they will be happy for it one day!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

I'm a BM in the same situation as yours (I'm a SM as well).

My 19 year old BS was given the choice of studying full time, working full time, or a combination of both and when he wouldn't play by the simple rules of the house; clean up after yourself, respect the other people in the house and their belongings, and contribute in your own way - he was asked to leave.

He knows he can come back anytime he is ready to play by the rules, but 12 months on he is still not talking to me or his stepdad.

Being a parent means making difficult choices at the risk of incurring the wrath of a hateful teenager (and boy, are they good at tearing your heart out, chewing it up and spitting it out).

My son is learning the hard way that you have to work hard to acheive the lifestyle you want, and although I miss him and would love to have him home again, I hope that this life lesson will ultimately help him become a better person.

Its been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Ratigan, of course you are absolutely right - this kid is being UN-raised by his guilty mom. What indeed will constitute paying off such a 'debt' to your child? It is all in her head.

Would she go to counseling with you and are you willing to do that? If not, you don't have many choices. But I don't blame you, I would SO not support a 'child' like this.
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

W.O.W. ROCKS! Not to make light of your situation, well, kinda, yeah I guess I'm making light of your situation. I hear you on the lazy 19 year-old only working part-time issue. I also hear that World of Warcraft really isn't the problem here. Sounds like the kid needs more hours at work or a full-time job. And your wife needs to prepare this kid for life as an adult. Does he have no plans for college?

You really oughtta try the game to see just how absorbing and addicting it can be, especially if you have any interest in developing or maintaining a bond with your step-son. And you'll be able to see just how much skill, intelligence, and social skills are required to play it. Is it the fact that he's playing a video game that's bothering you? Because this is not your average game.

My FH and I play when the winter weather keeps us indoors. We started because FH wanted to share his son's interests and socialize with him online. I'm a geek but FH isn't, so it took him a little while to learn how to play. Now he's one of the most valued members of our guild (the online community we've joined within the game). Most of the people we've met online are our ages. I have counselled teenagers through this game, and taught a few lessons in manners as well. When I first started playing, I would put in about 3 hours per day plus another 4-5 hours on "raid nights" (this is when you commit to a group of 10 or 20 people to work together towards a common goal). I'm not playing at all while there's gardening to do, but you can be sure I'll jump right back in when the snow hits, with a more manageable 1 hour per day and one raid night per week.

Seriously, try the game. It's not easy and will give you a new respect for your SS's skills. Maybe you can help him identify the many transferable skills he's developing, and help him to apply those to career training. There is also a function in his user account that allows you to set a timer that will shut the game off when you determine. WoW addiction is very, very easy to fall into without some set time limits.

Good luck with your SS. Maybe you can have a bit of fun with him!

Your SS is pathetic since he is 19 and his mommie is providing his car, ins, free room and board. She is making a cripple out of him and who is going to support him after she is gone because I know its not going to be you. The least she could do is make him go to the community college so he could get some job skills other than flipping burgers. Unless something is done 10 years from now he is still going to be living in your basement.

Our solution was not video games or computer games in our home ....... period. What really brought the situation to a head was when my Wife would get frustrated with me on how I disciplined my SS (Now 17 and a Senior in HS).

My response was "if you don't like how I discipline then you had better get it done before I have to".

I would recommend that rather than playing the ultimatum card (you leave or SS-19 leaves) I would try the "if you don't deal with it I will" method.

In our case my Wife finally did begin taking a lead role in disciplining our Son (my SS). To the point that eventually all three of us can usually sit down, discuss the situation, develop a solution and follow through. In the situations where SS insists on rooting his head firmly up his ass (flare ups of Cranio-Rectal syndrome) my Wife will deal with it at least as often as I do. Rather than the 100% that I used to perform.

We do not have the challenges that many have at this stage because our Son (my SS) is starting his second year at Military Boarding School. This has provided him an environment of accountability, immediate consequences (for either positive or negative behaviors) and an environment where he either succeeds or fails solely by his own efforts.

Now, when he finishes in 3yrs (he has chosen to stay at the same school for Junior College) we will learn if he has learned the connection between decisions/effort and results or if his success if due solely to the structured environment.

I am confident that the experience is guiding him in the growth of true character.

Rat(igan),

I feel your pain. This is a tough one to deal with. I know that my own parents struggled through similar issues with me. I am less tolerant in my dealings with these issues with my Son in large part because I refuse to go through what I put my parents through 25-30yrs ago.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)