Am I wrong to feel depressed and disgusted??
(i've been trying to post this since yesterday but it doesn't show. i hope it doesn't flood the forum all at once...)
DH told me today that he wants to take SD23 on a trip as a reward for graduating from college. This is after i advised him a few months ago that i was not willing to spend money on her. She lived with us for 2 years, no charge, and because of her attitude towards me (disrespect, aloof, shitty attitude, ignoring me in my own house), i refused to continue living with her. we sold the house we were all living in together and moved back to our primary house.
meanwhile, she moved into a rental we had after we kicked out a very good tennant (at her father's suggestion because she couldn't move back in with her mother since her mother effectively kicked her out when child support checks stopped by moving to a one-bedroom apartment). she only paid a small fee to cover our taxes and insurance on the rental. over that time, 17 months, we lost almost $9,000 in income.
my relationship with her had deteriorated to such a point that she and i no longer see one another. however, several months after she moved out, i went to her and apologized for my actions (i let resentment make me withdrawn and unresponsive to her, too). soon after that, her father and I speparated. i'm very sure it was all because of his DD and how she and I didn't get along. i also think it was because of how my resentment played out towards him.
so, i sent his DD two emails and one text, to three different addresses, to let her know that i wanted us to repair our relationship and clear the air because we had a good history together when she was younger. i sent these requests over two months on three separate occations. no response from her.
after 12 months of separation, DH and i are reconciled and trying to make our marriage work. when his kids were still in high school, i volunteered to him that we would take any child that graduated from college to europe as a prize for graduating.
all this was way before the crap she put me through living with me. at one point, during her time in our house, she told me, "what's his, is mine", pointing to her father. and he did nothing about it. that was the final straw. i cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, and worked and she never showed me any gratitude, really, only comtempt.
well, now DH is having guilt about not taking her to europe. she graduated in december. i don't want to give her another stinking dime. i'm sorry but she cost us over $9,000 in lost rent, over $1,000 in health insurance premiums we continued to pay for her while she was a student in college, and i don't want to pay for her trip. the trip deal was made before the rent subsidy/ins. premium costs and her treatment of me during the time we lived together, not to mention her slap in the face by ignoring and not responding to my request to treat her to lunch one day and repair our relationship.
this SD23 and i have no relationship. i never speak to her nor see her (and i want it to stay that way).
am i wrong to think that the trip should not happen now? at least, not a my expense? (also, we paid over $160,000 in child support since we were married over the course of 11 years).
i want our marital funds to go towards our marriage now! my DH has two other kids, SS25 and SS27 and he's not so totally enamored with them as he is with this she-devil bee-otch.
Posted this yesterday but
Posted this yesterday but just showed up. Am I crazy to NOT want to reward his DD more?
Nope not crazy. DH is for
Nope not crazy. DH is for continuing to give out to her.
Wow. DH should not even
Wow. DH should not even consider rewarding her appalling behavior. That is insanity. Sorry you are going through this.
I think that dh needs to
I think that dh needs to reconsider this trip as likely it will cause the marriage great harm and it already is fragile. he needs to respect your opinion and accept that his daughter continues to thumb her nose at you his wife. any trip being taken needs to be done only if both of you are in agreement and clearly this is not the case.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. The offer was never made "without any conditions". There is always the implied condition of good behavior towards the person offering. We don't give things to people, no matter how they treat us, just because we made an offer. At the time of the offer, I had no idea it would cost us almost $10,000 to get her out of my home. I also had no idea I would be treated badly by her. Those types of things could not be anticipated and stipulated in advance.
I will not give someone who refuses to acknowledge me a gift of that significance. She refused to respond to my request for reconciliation WHILE SHE WAS LIVING AT MY EXPENSE IN MY RENTAL PROPERTY. That's pretty arrogant, if you ask me. It's goes along with her always thinking everything we gave her or did for her came from Daaddeee.
I don't reward bad behavior, no matter what she accomplishes. As SA said, her real reward is her degree that she was able to get because of our generous, and unexpected, financial help.
Treating someone who is generous to us, nicely, should be common sense. Maybe she will learn a lesson from all this. I know I have.
I think that you need to work
I think that you need to work this out with your husband. He's the one to blame; he's letting her walk all over the two of you. And I worry about inheritance issues and hope that you have worked on that. If she's already saying what's his is mine, she's thinking about inheritance and wants you out of the way. My husband left me all the possessions. I gave the things I didn't want to his kids, but they felt entitled to everything. Twice they wrote me that I was not to remove anything from our second home, even though the only things I removed were mine. There are many, many cases like this, so be careful and make sure that he's not leaving everything to his kids. If he is, I'd leave the marriage. He's not standing up for you and I can't believe that his behavior will change.
Yes, the offer was "WE". It
Yes, the offer was "WE". It was for DH and I to take the graduate. What it would mean now, since SD23 has decided I'm no longer good enough to talk to, is that my DH would be taking a trip that I help finance, with his "mistress", to a place that I would like to go with him.
After financing her already, to the tune of ten grand, while she thought I wasn't good enough to speak to, I'm thinking the offer can be withdrawn? How long am I expected to be better than she is? Isn't that why we're here on these boards, to finally stop being expected to take bad behavior and keeping giving? Isn't that what a lot of our DH'S expect so unreasonably?
This is all motivated by her father. I doubt she's said anything about it. She has a boyfriend and her daddy is worried that they may never get this time together again and she'll move away. He's said he doesn't want to have this regret on his deathbed!
It really makes my skin crawl!
Thanks, Cat. That's exactly
Thanks, Cat. That's exactly what I told my DH. Or, I said we could go by the provisions in our living trust and match all gifts to his adult children with a like gift of the same amount to mine. So far, he and she are very lucky that I overlooked that financial requirement. But I am unwilling to going forward.
Giving her more gifts takes away from my son and grandchildren for future inheritance. I no longer want to do that. I'd give my money to one of my nieces before I'd give it to DH's kids. They've gotten plenty of my earnings over the years and don't express gratitude for it. It's all coming from Daaddeee as far as they're concerned. They don't acknowledge me on mother's day, my birthday, Christmas, nothing.
I no longer let DH make me feel as if I owe them something. He doesn't make them feel as if they owe me anything, not even respect.
I'm reneging on the offer. I guess I'll just have to live with that character flaw.
Good for you. Glad to told
Good for you. Glad to told DH whatever SD received that your kids would receive in kind. One of the members of this site did this and she certainly made her point to her DH. I just wonder - have you yet spent $9000 on YOUR kids? If not there is a double standard. You could tell DH, "We can not send You and SD to Europe because we are spending the same amount of $9000 on my kids - it's only fair."
No, I haven't pressed for any
No, I haven't pressed for any payback to my side. But I did tell him that I will expect the provisions of the trust to be observed going forward. He's very frugal, for the most part (accept for her). I think the thought of any gift to her costing twice the amount, will stop this lunacy.
If it doesn't, I'm prepared to leave and separate our money and property through divorce or legal separation. Not supporting his adult children was a major boundary I advised him of prior to our reconciliation. That, and putting our marriage and our relationship first.
He's walking a thin line here. I hope he makes the "right" choice for our future together.