My Step daughter
My wife and I married in 2013, at that time my step daughter was attending nursing college ( A grown person on her own) When she first met me, she had a good attitude towards me ( she is a only child and raised by her mother and really seemed to be a great person to ` hang around` with. I discovered that she always had her mother at her disposal. My wife and I talked about it and it was agreed that Sd is no longer a ` kid` so we treated her like a grown woman. Then she started to rack up ` traffic warning citations ` to the tune of 3 with in 1 year. I sat her down and Nicely explained to her that we pay all her automobile expenses including insurance. Well, it happened. My insurance rates on her jumped by 40% upon her 21st birthday. So, I sat her down again and explained that being her car is in her mom's name, I was dropping her from my policy, but keeping the car itself insuranced, then things started going down hill very quickly because according to her, I was ` telling her what to do` and that was one of many fabricated lies she spread around the family. Her tires were close to replacement and I asked her to take it easy for two weeks and then I would get her a new set, her response to her mother ` He is trying to tell me what to do` and that was officially the 2nd lie. On her 21st birthday, her mother instructed her ( car still in my wife's name) to call us if she had too many to drink, she agreed. The next morning, her car is in the drive way, ok I said. Then I heard her Bragging about how she ` ignored ` her mother and let someone who was not insured drive her car home. Against her mother's instructions. Then she got mad at me because I asked her about it and her response was " it's my car` I said, yes it is and today you are going with your mom and we are retitleing it to you and I'm completely dropping the insurance, at that point, she told one of her uncle and aunt that I was mistreating her, she told them that I was mistreating her mother and that I refused to buy her a pair of shoes. I hired a private investigator to find out what was really going on and did I get a rude awakening. She decided to move to her aunts house and I questioned about her maintaining a room at our house and living elsewhere and she claimed that I kicked her out. I discovered that she twisted so much around to suit her, that she started believing her own lies. I found that she never wanted anyone in her mother's life and I was no exception, however she tried way harder to get me away from her mom. Her mother finally realised what she was doing and we had to agree to stand with one another if we wanted our marrage. Sd is now 1,500 miles away in another state and completely cut off all contact with her mom and I and she except zero responsibility for her actions. I've tried on several occasions to try to get her cooperation and work things out and she absolutely refuses to. She started a lot of issues, she bald faced lied to family and they chose to side with her, so we don't talk with them as a result. My wife and I have exhausted all avenues to resolve the issue and the only resolution that she will accept is: Her mom and I getting divorced and we have made it all too clear that will not happen.
This is only 1% of what she really pulled and she thought I would not find out what she was up to, that is where the Private investigator came In handy. We were even paying her cell phone bill only to have her passing info from our home to everyone else house, so I cut that off too. She was told " you want to talk crap ` about your mom and I, you pay your own Bill and the way she reacted, you would have thought I just killed her. Today: She holds a grudge against her mom and I for zero reason. Her mom and I have a dynamite marriage and Sd is now on the ` if you want to work it out, you come to us and her response was: When you two divorce, we can talk. I reinforced her that she now has to contact me to get permission to come to our home, her mother agreed and that stopped 6 years of what we refer to as " Sd drama " to this day, I do not understand why she feels like she does, nor why and she will not at least tell her mother, yet she expects me to admit to all the wrong doing she did and wants a apology from me for her actions. She has proven to be a spoiled and entitled brat and we are letting her live with it. Her primary goal was stopped in its tracks before she really knew that I knew what she was up to. I treated Sd very well and she took a huge crap on her mother and I both. I'm pretty much done with her until she makes up her own mind to make things right. I hold nothing against her, she has been forgiven because I do not live in my past nor does my wife. We moved on, and she is now 24 and a nurse living 1/2`adult and 1/2 spoiled brat and we refuse to give in to her demands.
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Comments
Welcome to the site! It's a
Welcome to the site! It's a shame that family members chose to believe your SD's lies before getting yours and your wife's side of the story, but often when someone is behaving badly, eventually family may come to realise they have had the wool pulled over their eyes. Well done to you and your wife for pulling together on the SD issue.
Reply
Yes it is a real shame, however that is how today’s “ spoiled and entitled kids think and believe that they will not be caught up with and when they are caught, they believe they have done no wrong, and of course refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. It was proven that SD told three separate packs of lies to family who was helping her, and lies to her 86 year old grandmother. She told the lies so many times, that she now believes the lies to be truth. So, i hired a PI to get the actual truth, and the truth proved that SD did in fact lie to family. Now the question begs, Do her mother and I turn the evidence over so the remaining family can read all about it, or do we simply “ let the matter die out” on its own
Curious
In the beginning your SD was well adjusted, going to school and on good terms with her mother. Why did you feel the need to rock the boat, so to speak?
For why did you need a private detective?
Pi
The PI was used to get information about the lies she was telling family. She lied to the uncle and aunt who were helping her, she then told totally different lies to another part of the family, and finally, she told a third set of lies to her 86 year old grandmother who just so happens to live in the same house as the wife and I. The PI got all the evidence of her dishonesty and deception that was needed, now SD has 60 days to either tell the honest truth to everyone she lied to, or she will be sued for Slander/ Libel. It was proven that she has done this to everyone her mother dated in the past, and she tried with me, and got a little surprise, I’m Not leaving my marriage because SD does not approve of me, or anyone in her mother’s life. SD will become welcome again, provided she makes real effort in cooperation with her mom and I towards a permanent resolution and until she does, she cannot come here. It has to stop somewhere and here it is.
First, you should take SD’s
First, you should take SD’s name out to protect anonymity.
Second, I have to admit, you came into this girl’s life like a bulldozer from what you’ve written. She was raised by her mother, then all of a sudden you came in & took over. That would upset most people, I think you should have left a lot of it to her mum.
Not that you need to sit there and watch your money fly out the window for a child you didn’t create, not at all. By all means, take her off the insurance if you’re the one paying. But you should leave the discussions with SD up to your DW, not take them on yourself.
I see myself more as a support to my DH than I do as a ‘bonus parent’ to my skids. If I disagree with something DH is doing, I take it up with him behind closed doors & leave it to him to decide what is best for his kids. Which means sometimes having to bite my tongue with the things I disagree with. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Disengaging that way will save you a lot of stress, and may end up improving your relationship with your SD.
Improving sd relationship
I can only wish that she wanted a relationship me. She did tell several family members and a few of her friends that she wants me gone out of her mother’s life ASAP and that will not happen. She Always has a option to work this out, however I already know she does not want me in her mother’s life at all,and she once was asked to explain why she wanted William Out ? NO ANSWET
She's 1,500 miles away,
She's 1,500 miles away, working and living her own life. Cut off from from any of your financial assistance and her mother.
Doesn't sound as if she is coming back nor that she wants anything to do with you.... so now you're free to do your "moved on" and have your "dynamite" marriage.
What's the current problem?
This
Most nurses can find jobs almost anywhere. The kid has made a decision.
Well, I'm glad your wife didn
Well, I'm glad your wife didn't allow your SD to run the show - but, I'd have to agree, you coming in and laying down the law with an adult stepkid was only going to end this way. You should have supported and empowered your wife to do it, not you.
And what's up with the private investigator? I too wonder that. That seems over the top and meant to make your SD out to be some kind of criminal menace to you and your wife. You stalked an adult skid's cell phone and found her complaining about her mother?! The horror! Imagine that, an adolescent complaining about her parents.
I'm guessing at some point, your wife is going to divorce you so she can have a relationship with her daughter. On the surface, your story appears to be one of marital unity, but underneath is a lot of control freakery on your part.
"Unity"?
I suspect was really OP demanding his wife do as he wanted. I cannot imagine the wife is not crying in private. I suggest that the OP's wife make absolutely certain she is in good shape financially and has long term care insurance, as I dont see anyone taking care of her when she is old (women generally outlive men).
I said on the "appears on the
I said on the "appears on the surface", did you not read that part?
Not disagreeing
We don't know, but anyone who hires a PI (for a kid in nursing schooll!!!) is a control freak.
Control freak
Control freak ? NO. The sd was taking the truth and twisting it To suit her and putting family against family and when they could not/ refused to see what was really going on, that is where the PI came in. Between him and I, we connected the dots and figured out what lies were told and got the truth to the people she was lying to. As far as she coming back to my home ? Not anytime soon.
I have to agree with the
I have to agree with the others. I love the fact that your wife wasn't willing to be manipulated by her daughter anymore and saw her as an adult attending college. However, there were probably a million better ways to have handled the situations with the car.
I wish you the best but when SD gets married and decides that her mom isn't going to be a part of the wedding, don't be surprised if that is the end of your marriage. And if there is grandbaby involved that she won't let your wife see- kiss your wife goodbye.
Find a way to mend fences with this woman. While I agree she sounds like a spoiled brat, her mother, your wife raised her that way- so is it really her fault the way she turned out? You came in a rocked her world, she seemingly, was on a pretty good path for growing up (we all do dumb things as teenagers and college students). The fact that she has to ask you to see her mother is actually a little disturbing.
I recommend extending an olive branch. See if there is a way that she would be able to take a couple of days vacation, is there some place near where she is where the three of you can do something enjoyable for a long weekend? Beach resort, lake house rental, something to ease tensions? Maybe this one would even be better if you were the check book and let the 2 of them work it out.
Ask me to see her mother ?
That was her mother’s choice, not mine. I do not control anything, I simply do not allow SD to get away with her bs.
Thanks for the a
We have tried to talk to her, we have invited her to get in on the negotiation and at least try to make it work out for all of us, No was her answer. She has two or
So this guy paid for the "kid
So this guy paid for the "kid's" car insurance, paid for new tires, and more, but he can't talk to her about what he expects for his efforts? If she were a child, sure, leave the parenting to the adult. But an adult should be able to have an adult conversation or two with another adult. OP didn't handle his SD with kid gloves and direct her to mommy for consequences because she's a freaking adult.
Just like this spoiled ass SK, some here are blaming the SF for HER bad behavior. Oh boy does that get old.
Nope
He wanted her mother to stop treating her like a kid. She’s an adult and was in school, acting responsibly. He drove a wedge between her and her mother to enforce adulthood but then demanded information and control because he’s paying. Which did he want? An adult? I don’t think so. He wanted two isolated women who were indebted to him because money or blackmail or any other way he could retain power.
You are deranged
Lol, I’m taking a guess that you think it’s ok for children to treat their parent like a tile floor and walk all over them ? Not this guy, and besides, the truth came out and the SD is officially NO LONGER WELCOME in our home, that decision was made by her MOTHER, not me !
I doubt this guy is ever coming back
But is HE paying or his wife? or is her money now his?
My reply
Even as sd was in college when I met her mother, when
we married, I felt a sense of responsibility towards sd, so I tried to help her with what she actually needed such as her car, and a few other things. Just to make a long saga short, she has done this to everyone her mother dated, not just me and when she discovered that I was NOT leaving, she really stepped up her game by lying several times to separate parts of our family. She even lied to the uncle and aunt that were helping her, then lying to my 86 year old mother in law, and a third set of lies to the remainder of the family, this is where the PI came in. I was investigating her myself when the investigation became a “ cold case”. Two years later, her and I were talking and she blew up at me and told me everything she said to family and taking zero responsibility for any of her actions. The pi report is what finally closed the investigation and we have the truth. As far as SD: BARRED from our home until she makes an appointment with her mom and I to request permission to enter our home.
Why do people think that
Why do people think that their children (skids or from intact families) should be subsidized for years? Why should an adult (often in their 20s) have their cell phone and insurance paid for?
My BFF's younger daughter had her cell and insurance paid for by her mother who was barely existing on social security payments. Her older daughter took care of her own needs. The younger daughter took advantage of her mother and required subsidisies to go forward.
Her younger daughter completed a degree program in accupuncture and is now practicing making a great salary. Does she give her mother (who is in poverty) anything - of course not. I'm not sure that her mother is still not paying for her cell and insurance - there are too many users/losers out there.