You might start by telling anyone who talks about her that you'd rather not hear about her, thank you. There is no reason for anyone to talk about her in front of you. Besides that, there is no reason for you to want or to try and be "friends" with her. If you meether/run into her by accident, you should be polite but there's no reason for you to be best buds with her ...

Batshit mother effin crazy and had 3 pathetic kids (2 are failure to launch adults) graduated from uni and still demanding monthly $1000 from daddy, its their choice to be these useless people.

my husband told me horror stories how exwife sabotaged getting pregnant and sabotaged every pregnancy, during sex told him to get it over and done with.. exwife seriously thought she could marry someone and lead them on for life and not be a wife but profit off them financially.

even though they have a past, i am I the present and future. My husband had to tell off eldest sd that because she seriously would rant on and on non stop bs about bio mum and stepdads daily life run down like it mattered to us when it didn't. Hubby reminded his daughter that she was out of line completely disrespectful doing that because she was essentially trying to put me in my place after all of them. Hubby reminded her i am his wife snd we have 2 kids together and my place is with him and hubby was tired of the incessant rants about bio mum and stepdad and that he didn't care about any of them 1 bit.

the result is sd has been sulking and ended contact like 10 months ago. Honestly the fact sd24.5 could do that when she knows her mum was cheating on her dad with stepdad whilst they were married and to rant on non stop about them is a real slap in the face to daddy

Our late, departed BM was an attractive woman with long, dark hair, beautiful legs and a great tan back when that was fashionable.  I couldnt believe she had divorced such a good, funny, sweet man.  They had had 3 kids.  I had a white hot jealousy of her for years, made worse by DH's generosity where he gave her way more than the specified child support, including buying her a new car!  It seemed like he must still care for her to be so generous. I was afraid that she could easily lure him back "for the kids".

I slowly realized his generosity was in order to take care of his kids who he loved so much.  He was aggravated and surprised by her poor decisions, helplessness, and her drug use didnt help.  His own mother had left the home when he was 4 so he did whatever he could to enable his kids to stay with theirs.  Sadly, thst didn't work out and they all came to live with us.

It took years but I eventually realized she was DONE with him.  The years also bonded him and me.  One of the few good side effects of step-parenting is that it can bond you more closely as you both navigate the childcare issues together.

I tried to have a decent relationship with her, especially during SD's turbulent teen years.  But her volatility and the way she turned my words against me ended that. I did maintain a civil, polite demeanor toward her since I kept seeing her over the years at graduations, showers and weddings.

It is the most difficult, surprising thing I ever experienced-the strong jealousy I felt.  I feel for you.  It eventually goes away but its tough.  Good luck.

I'm not friends with BM because she has plenty of unlikable characteristics in herself. Her having been married to DH, him having loved her, etc has never been a reason that I've disliked her.

Maybe it's because I have been married before, too, and had sex with someone else, had told someone else I loved them, tried to build a life with someone else, etc that I realize life isn't filled with "one and ONLYs", but a series of new experiences that you learn from.

My XH was a lot of good times mixed with toxic and abusive behavior, and those experiences have helped shape the person I am today. Same with DH. If BM weren't absolute trash, I wouldn't be opposed to being friends/friendly with her (tried to be for a bit, but again, trash). I get what it's like having been married and had that fall apart, so I know there isn't anything there to fuel jealousy. 

And I think IAW has a point above. My DH makes me feel like the only woman that matters to him. Sure, he does boneheaded things. He isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But, I don't question who his loyalty is to. 

You need to do some soul-searching to figure out if this is internal or external factors that are triggering these feelings in you. If it's how you're being treated by your DH or others, then that's something you have to address with those folks. But, if these are your own feelings about people with pasts, jealousy, etc, you have to fic that on your own, likely with the help of therapy of some kind. Or, you have to conclude that perhaps being with someone with a past isn't the right kind of relationship for you.

Just remember, everyone has a past and baggage. How much they have is dependent on their life experiences. All because someone has kids and an ex doesn't mean their past is a brutal warzone with excessive casualties, just like someone who is childless doesn't necessarily have a pristine slate where you'll be their only first and real love. And honestly, having married someone who had all my firsts, it's not as glorious as it sounds. Most everyone eventually has sex, eventually tells someone they love them, eventually gets married, etc. That doesn't mean that those people they experience those things with are horrible people that need to be cut off forever. There is a reason it didn't work out, and it mostly likely wasn't due to fire and brimstone.

So, examine how you're being treated/how those around you act in regards to BM and look internally at yourself as to why and what these feelings are. You don't have to like or be friends with BM. However, you can't expect everyone else around you, your DH included, to hate her guts and cut her off. If they like being friendly with her, and you don't like that dynamic, this becomes an issue of incompatibility. It just may not be the relationship, or relationship structure, for you.

I could never be friends with the ex.  Some people can. That there choice.  And none of my business. 
I feel once you have sex with someone that puts that relationship into another category.  You can never go back as friends. Once your are lovers.  They always have a bond, the kids.  
I also can not see talking together about anything but the kids.  And only the kids .  Once divorce all that other  relationship ends 

Try sitting at holiday family dinners with 2 other male family members and know your husband slept with their wives.  

I mean, you shouldn't be having to deal with her on such a regular basis that it matters. That's my feeling on it. It is possible to have an ex and have kids yet still not have them be a constant daily presence. You have to want it, though. Meaning, your husband has to want it. Not everyone wants a complete separation following divorce. For various reasons, some people like to keep being friends with exes. I am not one of those people. I would be incompatible with one of those people. 

I'm not friends with BM at all. Not that I have anything against her personally it's just that I have a full life and don't have time for that dynamic. DH rarely sees her since his kids are adults. Actually I think it'd be great fun if BM and I could be super friendly just to confound ss33.  About their past and the fact that they had sex and a couple of kids, oh well. We all have a past. i doubt any of us were virgins when we ment our current SO/DH's.  Add onto that that she and DH were part of the polyamorous community for about a decade and there are A LOT of ex sexual partners out there for DH.  DH and I had a limited conversation about it. I told him that I didn't need to hear all the details because that's part of his past and I don't want it to be a part of our present. 

I know I would have felt very different about this in my 20's, but now in my late 40's not much phases me. 

I understand why DH married BM (and, more importantly, *he* now does). It had nothing to do with love or even attraction: a particular evangelical Christian 'purity culture' that considered normal dating "giving away pieces of your heart" to multiple people, so you'd have nothing left to give to your eventual spouse. Therefore, better marry the first person you date! 
Enter BM, a BPD girl desperate to catch a husband before graduation, who evoked pity and her fear of abandonment, and after some years of lukewarm courtship DH felt too much guilt not to marry her. (They never even kissed, prior to the wedding.)

After years of escalating borderline behavior, she went too far with some critical incidents, and he finally divorced her.

I think I'd be much more susceptible to jealousy if DH had ever been truly in love with BM, or if he had fought against a divorce she initiated. But as it is... I understand why he was susceptible to her, and honestly I somewhat appreciate the hard-knock life lessons he learned from her. I wouldn't have wanted to marry his naive, overly conservative, twenty-something self, ha.

It wouldn't bother me too much if BM was a decent person to me and my husband. I don't care who he has had sex with in the past or who he has loved. If BM and us were on friendly terms then I could see it might be awkward at times but I know my husband is fully committed to our relationship. 

when I would find the odd photo of her and him together, they just looked so odd. Like it was two separate photos of two different people super-imposed onto one.

Ive made my mistakes, and DH feels the EXACT same way about my exes. He is STILL, 6 plus years later, having a tough time with getting past my past.

Toxic Troll, to be fair, was decent-looking 27 years ago when they were together, but her decline has not been gradual. And its been extreme. It takes time, but also, I am #1 Queen to my husband. He no longer jumps through hoops for the Troll. I have zero contact with her, and do not do pickups or drop offs. I sometimes have a rough time when SD14 looks so much like the mother, or something in her personality seems off.

What helps me is to compare Dh's past life with Toxic Troll and his "new" and improved life with me.

I am active and social. She is a slug with very few friends that arent online.

I have a bachelors. She barely graduated with her high school diploma.

She eats like crap. Im a healthy fresh veggies and fruits and balanced diet person. 

Dh had to declare bankruptcy because her spending brought a huge debt on them, and he wanted to get everything separated.

now, with me, being independant, he has his own accounts and is building his credit up very quickly.

He was a lifelong renter. With me, we bought our home (that he shared with her for less years than I have been there) When he moved her out, he sold or gave away or threw out most of what was in the house and started with fresh new items (yard sale, etc) 

We bought a boat together. We used to do a lot of music festivals. She doesnt go out, and she never really initiated anything on her own it was always him and his friends and his family.

I KNOW that I am a better fit for him. I just happen to be infertil and not have bios. He has his kids with her...and his life with me.

Give it some thought as to the whys, as well as what is currently happening in your relationship.

Hello everyone, i am new to the vlog scene, and i am just amazed at how women are so empowering to one another. How it is refreshing  to see so much love in one page. 

Hon, I say find the reason to why he fell in love with you, the past is the past and it can be hard to overcome and it will, with time. It all lays in the reassurance your partner provides and the self worth that you see in yourself.