Hypothetical Question to Ponder
Hypothetical question - does anyone else feel that ideally, when it comes to dating someone who has a child/children with someone else, that instead of meeting the potential partner first, you should be able to meet that potential partner's children and the mother of those children?
Since the children and their mother, but mainly the children, will be so heavily involved in your life and will determine so many things affecting your life, I think dates should be able to meet the children before the potential partner. They should have the opportunity to get to know the kids a little bit. Do you like them? Do the kids like you? How do they feel about the their father? Their mother? Who do they live with? How do they feel about their parents not being together? How do they feel about their parents dating? Getting married?
After spending time with the kids you should then have the opportunity to meet their mother and ask questions. Do you like the kids' mother? Does she like you? How does she feel about her kids' father? How does she feel about him dating? Getting married? Why are she and the father of her children not together? How often do they talk? Email?
The father (your potential partner- I'm using father to make it easier to follow) already has all of this intel. You are completely in the dark going in.
After meeting both the kids and their mother you can then decide whether or not you want to meet the man (or woman) and consider them as a partner, get to know them, etc.?
I'm just dreaming.
I don't know.. in 50% of the
I don't know.. in 50% of the cases.. maybe more.. the BM's.. and even the kids would not be as terrible as they are without the stepdynamic in place. The unnatural break up of the family unit.. one parent having to pass their children to the home of someone they don't like.. and into the care of "that woman"?
And.. in so many cases.. it really is the DH/BF that is the problem and causing problems... allowing poor behavior to go on..encouraging it.
I think that more people need to be ready to walk away..or be honest with themselves if they don't or never wanted kids.. or couldn't accept kids from a prior relationship.. it's selfish to go in knowing you aren't going to like it.
I think the hard part is you
I think the hard part is you may not know you won't like it going in. You may be thinking things will go well with your partner's parenting style and children but in actuality it could end up being nothing like what you thought it would. Regarding wanting children, someone can want children very badly and it not happen for various reasons. Infertility on either the man or woman's side, previous vascectomy reversal problems, etc. And...I don't think a stepchild is anything like your own child unless you've raised them since they were little. When I say "your own" I don't mean genetically. An adopted child to me would be just as much "my own" as a genetic child.
Well, that sounds like a
Well, that sounds like a waste of everyone's time. And no, BM would tell me all sorts of unbelievable lies about DH, so that wouldn't be helpful.
Also - regardless of how the kids and the ex behave, it's your partner who is responsible for managing them in a way that doesn't make your life miserable. The skids and ex aren't the real problems in most of the situations on here.
If i had to give an interview
If i had to give an interview to everyone my ex husband dates, i would want to be paid a consulting fee lol! I don't exert much control on his life, though. We talk maybe twice a month and it's short. He pays me no money, and we follow a pretty regular schedule. The fact that an interview like that is even needed tells me that the ex has too much control over the guy's life for him to be really "dateable." Plus a lot of people make good first impressions then turn out to be total nut jobs, kids included!
Lol - that would be a waste
Lol - that would be a waste of time. Not everyone he dates, just the mother of his children since she will always be in his life, and thus your life, in some way.
She meant if potential dates
She meant if potential dates need to interview ex wives, she'd like to be paid. You suggested that before dating a person women meet exwives first. She is the ex wife. So she needs to meet with whoever her exDH is plan on dating (per your plan).
If all that info was on a
If all that info was on a concise report, though, like a carfax, i'd totally read it. Especially regarding their child "care" arrangement like schedule consistency, communication amount and content, and money. People usually exaggerate or downplay things to make themselves look better, though.
A Manfax!
A Manfax!
Ooohhh...good idea!
Ooohhh...good idea!
FailedFamilyFax! Or.... XFAX!
FailedFamilyFax! Or.... XFAX!
Great idea.
Each comprehensive basic report has a section on each XH, each XW or each X breeding partner in oowl breeding situations and a section on each child. The higher cost expanded report delves into the ILs 2 generations deep.
I wouldn't want to meet them,
I wouldn't want to meet them, but I'd want an honest assessment of what the situation was. I'd also want an honest assessment of the man's family, including whatever baggage they are holding on to due to the divorce and how they are able to maintain appropriate boundaries.
In my case, DH told me his divorce was "amicable" and he still maintains that he thought it was, but I don't believe him. Maybe he wanted to think it was "amicable", but how could any grown adult really believe that another grown adult calling them daily to complain and insult them was in any way "amicable"?
I had met my (ex stepchildren
I had met my (ex stepchildren) before I got together with my ex husband. As our kids were regularly at sporting events. His then ex wife even seemed ok.
the kids WERE lovely.
- the clue is in the word were raofl!
I am now divorced!
Why would you want
A relationship with the ex and his kids if you don't even know if you like your BF. and want a relationship with him. The ex. Was once in love with your future BF some people will always love the ex. Even if they cheated on him they still love him. Or they figure out there old life was better then there new life.
Kids change when you become a SM. You are not the fun person anymore you are the adult in control of there life.
How is that sexy??? Seriously
How is that sexy??? Seriously, initially dating someone should be exciting, sexy, alluring. Knowing about their kids and their ex is not sexy or attractive.
I prefer to go on initial sexual and intellectual attraction when meeting dates and see how it goes from there. I do though keep my wits about me and note red flags inculding their relationships with others as the relationship develops. Too many and I will keep them at arms length or back out of there all together.
As tog says above the most important person is your partner as they are the person that will control to what extent BM interferers with your life/relationship. His parenting skills will also play a big part in how annoying his kids are.
On top of all that, I feel that the potential partner's ex and their kids are not going to be the best sources to get information from.
About as sexy as arranging a
About as sexy as arranging a meeting to interview your potential MIL when first dating, ha!
Why would you meet the kids
Why would you meet the kids and the BM before even meeting the person you would be dating?
This makes no sense.
It doesn't matter how much
It doesn't matter how much vetting you do before hand, it's your own damn fault if you choose to say with a person who refuses to put you first in the relationship.
Realistically.... how do you
Realistically.... how do you date the kids and X of a potential partner if you have not met that potential partner?
Nope, actually rather than hypothetically... this is a huge waste of time.
This has the makings of a bad reality show... PIMP YOUR DADDY/MOMMY AND PIMP YOUR X!
Not something I would do or anything that I would watch. Screaming at the TV over idiots is not something I would invest my time in.
My only suggestion would be
My only suggestion would be to ditch the "can't meet the kids until you know it is a serious/long-term thing between you" rule because at that point you are professing deep and abiding love to someone when you really don[t know their living situation. You may love THEM but living on a day to day basis with them may prove to be impossible once you meet their baggage. Yet you have boxed yourself in with hearts and flowers and promises. How is that even remotely reasonable or fair? We are supposed to disclose all relevant issues about health and finances or we are bad people. Yet they can hide the fact that, if we end up living a life with them, we are also living a life with out of control children. That should be disclosed way before any sort of commitment is made.
Exactly. That was kind of my
Exactly. That was kind of my point with the question. Since the kids and ex have such a huge influence on their life, more so than any in laws, I was thinking if you met the ex and kids first and didn't get along/like them you wouldn't even waste your time with that potential partner.
I see no point in doing so.
I see no point in doing so. The issue is almost never skids or BM. The issue is almost always the husband. Didn't make you (new wife) a priority, didn't put you first, was still not over his ex wife, was a terrible parent to his kids or honestly just wasnt that into you or even married you on false pretenses (for your finances or place to live).
So when women say they got divorced because of horrible skids or BM, it's not true. They got divorced because of a horrible husband or a husband wasn't into them that much so they were never a priority
Also if meeting BM means finding some kind of truth about your date, then how is that going to work. BM might be crazy and a liar so what's the point in meeting her. Are you assuming every ex wife says the truth about her ex? Lol
instead of meeting ex and the kids, I suggest watching for red flags because people alwats reveal themselves. We just have to pay attention.