Guess Who's Coming to Dinner! (or Ex-Wife Invited to Thanksgiving... AGAIN)

Hi everyone,

First, a little background, since I haven't posted in a while. My fiancé has been divorced twice. The first divorce was after fourteen years of marriage (basically arranged by his parents when he was twenty-one). He left the marriage twice before finally divorcing her for good. The second divorce was a three-year horrendous and abusive shotgun marriage.

Even after his second marriage and divorce (there are kids from both divorces), his parents claim his first EX wife as family. It is now EIGHT years after his divorce from BM1. She takes precedence over HIM in the family, gets invited to Christmas, birthdays, everything... despite living in another city, hours away. His parents have done everything in their power to get him back together with BM1, and the rest of the family has corroborated. As you might have guessed, this behavior was part of the reason for divorce number 2... though not ALL of the reason.

The same thing happens for every family gathering and every holiday: someone in charge (usually SO's mother or aunt) asks him if we're coming for the holiday. It's usually more than a month out and we respond with something like, "we're not exactly sure yet, but we'll let you know." Then, when he calls in a few weeks to tell them we're coming, we're told BM1 has been invited. Then we decline.

His mother says, "I don't know why you can't just come and be with the family. You have to understand that BM is family to us," and "we never get to see the kids unless they're with BM1" This is not true at all. It's just that they never want to see the kids when WE have them. So, his parents have an unhealthy and dishonest attachment to BM1, and although this hurts us, we accept it after five years of trying to fight it.

For some reason, it still hurts when this happens, despite being totally predictable. I don't even want to see these people... they have been so awful and deceptive to me over the years. But the fact is that it still hurts. It's a reminder that the fantasy of having a FAMILY (in the traditional sense) will never be real.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you've coped with anything similar.

As for us, we plan on spending Thanksgiving with friends. It's too lovely a time to be wasted on these emotional neanderthals.

TryingSoHard's blog
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My parents still love my ex

My parents still love my ex and are in denial about everything that happened between us. They refuse to get to know my husband and were a constant strain on my marriage. Believe me, with my PITA SS I have enough drama without my family adding to it. I have disowned my family at this point.

That must be really hard.

That must be really hard. Sometimes I wonder if completely cutting ties with them would be less painful than this.

It has been easier for me. I

It has been easier for me. I am not rude if they call but I make 0 effort and I just won't make any plans with them. Christmas should be interesting since I usually host but am not this year and an not going anywhere either...

Yes. I would not be going to

Yes. I would not be going to that event or any event that included BM. They will figure it out and if they want to see your fDH enough, they will stop inviting BM to events. Also, does BM not have a life? Why is she still spending holidays with her ex's family? That's the last place I'd want to spend precious holiday time.

I concluded long ago that BM1

I concluded long ago that BM1 does not have a social life. Not only does she spend holidays with his family, but she goes on vacations with them and spends the weekends with them.

Part of the reason, honestly, is that with his parents' encouragement, she's been unable to accept that he's never coming back to her. There's been a long history of her using underhanded methods to try and get him back in her life. When he separated from his marriage to her at age 22, she intentionally got pregnant so he'd come back to her. I blame him in part for this, of course... but a premeditated pregnancy to save a marriage to a guy who doesn't want to be with you?

Four years later he left again, and she moved into a house ACROSS THE STREET. So, you might say the woman has pretty poor self esteem.

Exactly

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it is still going on after all these years. My husband's parents invited BM over for Christmas last year. It was our first Christmas as a couple and DH said we weren't going to show up if she was going to be there. I was extremely hurt...for him as much as for myself. Knowing what that woman did to him during their divorce and then still acting like she is part of the family? Betrayal. No other words to describe it.

I can relate to that. It's

I can relate to that. It's really been hard for me to begin to see this as the death of the dream. That's really what it is.

I don't know if you experienced this, but when he and I first got together, his whole family made a point of acting really happy for us... deceptively inclusive. That's why accepting this cold behavior has been rough for me. If they'd just shown their true colors from the start, I think I would have had an easier time with it.

Yes. I did feel duped. His

Yes. I did feel duped. His parents were so friendly, warm, and accepting. I thought they really did think of me as their new daughter but as it turns out, they were still telling the ex that she would always be their daughter too. Looking back on it, I can't believe I was so stupid to not see the sappy sweet fakeness of it all. They are from the south (I'm not) so maybe it is a cultural nuance I wasn't picking up on?

SO and his family are from

SO and his family are from the South as well... and I've often wondered if it was some type of cultural communication difference. Where I'm originally from, things were not sugarcoated in the same way they are here. I feel dumb, like I was tricked, too.

I think part of it is that I

I think part of it is that I WANTED so much to believe what they were saying. I'm normally not easily manipulated, and probably should have known better. Sometimes when you want something SO BAD, you overlook obvious warning signs.

oh my gosh i could have

oh my gosh i could have written that word for word too!!!

i was "the angel God himself sent from heaven for my son." i was "such a blessing to have in this family." i was thanked "for all the wonderful things you do for the boys." this was for 4 years.

then she screamed in DH's face that Dumbass "IS MY FAMILY AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE PART OF MY FAMILY" while she called around to extended relatives and complained about what a bitch i am.

i'm catching on to the cultural nuances... SHE's the mf'ng, gd bitch, bless her heart... she can rot in hell, god love her!!! }:)

i havent interacted with her in well over a year. she doesnt take up much space in my head irl, but i do vent about it here.

what the hell is up with people like that? i just dont get it...

That is awful! I am so sorry

That is awful! I am so sorry to hear they did that to you!

Yeah, it's hard to accept when it all comes crashing down, isn't it? I know they're snakes, but I've just had the hardest time accepting it.

It's not as bad as it was, but it still takes me by surprise each time it happens, and still hurts.

I think normal human beings are just not wired for that kind of treatment. It's shocking.

Stay the hell away from them. If you have to, visit them in a controlled setting and put a cap on the time you have (we're leaving by 2pm and it's not negotiable).

My best friend gave me some wonderful advice: when you have to be around them, repeat this mantra: "don't give a shit."

When I started doing this, I watched SO's father slowly lose it. He's used to people hanging on his every word. When I stopped listening, it was hilarious. Good luck. Hopefully you don't have to see them at all, or hardly ever.

I agree that it's not right

I agree that it's not right for them to continue inviting her to family events. If they want to keep being friends with her they should do so on their own time.

That's kind of what I

That's kind of what I thought... considering the kids are involved. If he wants to see his kids on Christmas, for example, he has to spend it with his ex wife? Gross, right?

But I've come to this agreement with myself, since I can't change anyone's behavior: if they want to spend time together... let them HAVE each other. I don't want them anyway. As far as I'm concerned, we're off the hook. Why force them to have to spend time with me... when they really want to see BM? Screw em.

What they REALLY want is for SO to come (alone) spend Christmas with them and BM! Just like old times!

Not happening.

I'm willing to marry SO

I'm willing to marry SO despite the troubles we've had with his extended family and kids. He's worth it to me. I won't lie though... I wish he didn't have kids.

Wow, that takes the cake.

Wow, that takes the cake. Kind of the same story with SO and me. He's quit drinking the kool-aid and I'm so very proud of him for how far he's come. Fortunately, we don't have kids together.

I think you're better off spending your holidays together with your husband, with grace and sanity.

Question: Are your in-laws

Question: Are your in-laws and BM1 from the same cultural/religious background? Because I had to deal with something similar with my ex-in-laws. Oh how heartbroken they must have been when my ex-wife decided to break off with her boyfriend and started dating me. My ex-wife and her ex-BF were from the same neighborhood, same cultural background, etc. They each knew each other's families, so there was a great deal of familiarity and comfort. Then I come into the picture. My family hails from Europe and Asia. But I may as well have come from Mars because that is how strange I was to them.

YES, I'm from the midwest,

YES, I'm from the midwest, they're from the South, but we're all from within the United States. It's not like I'm from Mars or something. I'm certainly capable to communicating with them in the same language.

However, I can't go to a family gathering without hearing SO's father use the "Yankee" word. He thinks this describes me even though I'm from nowhere near the Northeast. His mistake is probably due to the fact that he probably couldn't locate my state on a map.

It tells me that they see me as a cultural outsider. It's his attempt at alienating me and putting up a wall. He's a small man with an inferiority complex.

BM1, on the other hand, is from another small town fewer than fifty miles away... so yes, they're all from the same vernacular. And they have a giant heaping dose of SPECIAL-NESS to prove it. Nobody is as special as they are because they are from such a special place on the map and from such a special family.

Barf.

Ah. That explains a lot right

Ah. That explains a lot right there. I honestly wish I had some good advice on how to deal with "in-law ignorance". My ex-FIL started to warm up to me and my side of the family slowly but surely. My ex-MIL OTOH, treated anything and everything outside her culture as "wrong". It was a tough nut to crack.

Geez, I just got the chills at remembering some of the crap they used to tell/ask me. "So Drac0, do you people celebrate Thanksgiving?". Urm...Considering Thankskiving is unique to North American culture, I would have to say no....and since when did I become a spokesperson for "my people"?

I'm also from the Midwest

I'm also from the Midwest (read as: not a Yankee even though I often get called one ) and they are all from the South. BM and the in-laws are very religious people. DH and I are not. I understand what is going on, but I still don't "get it". He is their son. This is so sad to me.

Many years ago when DH and I

Many years ago when DH and I were dating, his mother tried this crap. Passive agressive comment on how she was sure I wouldn't mind and would understand that she invited BM to Thanksgiving Dinner.

I looked at DH (then BF) and saw his face start turning red (angry and embarrassed) and I flat told his mother: No, I am not understanding why you would want to spend a day of thanks with a woman who continually cheated on your son, cussed him, threw stuff at him and who to this day goes out of her way to hurt him. Are you really THANKFUL to have that woman in your life/ your sons life? What message does this send to your son?

My now FIL handed me his newly opened beer and welcomed me to the family as MIL choked for a minute then decided that yeah BM was not coming.

Sometimes it takes being BLUNT to get people to understand. Freezing them out doesnt always work. Asking nicely doesnt always work, lord knows political correctness doesn't.

Dumbass' family has extended us an invite this year. i AM actually seriously considering it.