I want a baby, but now I'm not sure about marriage
I've always known that I wanted children, but I never fantasized about being married in the same way. I never planned my dream wedding, never spent much imagination on a husband figure. I always just assumed I'd somehow have kids, even if a father wasn't in the picture.
But when you love someone, you get married, right? I thought that with my ex-fiance. I still think it when I look at FDH and I know that despite his divorce, FDH still very much wants to be married and have more children. But lately, I've been thinking that we could maybe have a baby before getting married.
I think these things because marriage -- especially with an skid involved -- seems needlessly complicated. I don't want his ex to get a hand on my hard-earned money if she goes for CS (currently, there is no CS because they have joint custody). I don't want my relationship with FDH to suffer because he's so afraid of "another divorce" that he won't bring up or work through problems with me when we're married. Because I know damn well marriage doesn't "fix" anything -- we'll fight, we'll argue, we'll have make-up sex just as much married as we do pre-marriage. I also don't want my children stuck with some antiquated notion that you HAVE to be married to have babies and that the nuclear family is the BEST family because that just ain't true.
But FDH has said he doesn't want children before marriage. He's like my father in that regard -- no bastards allowed. At the same time, though, we did have to make the discussion post-birth-control-fail about whether or not to get Plan B. We decided not to do that and "just let what happens happen" because we're both at a point in our lives where a child between us would be well cared for.
But nothing happened. And I was... disappointed. I've got babies on the brain and I get jealous sometimes when I see him with FSD3, because what they have is what I want for myself with my OWN kid. I also secretly want to give FSD3 her first sibling -- which I know is petty as reproduction is NOT a race.
Relax, I will not do something crazy and inappropriate like "trapping" him in a relationship by "accidentally" forgetting contraception. But I am wondering if it's worth bringing up my feelings with FDH -- or if it will just freak him out. I think he might misinterpret "we don't need to get married" as "I will never marry you." I'm afraid if I bring up a possible impending custody and/or CS fight with his ex, that HE'LL start rethinking both marriage AND more children with any woman, let alone me.
And he still has to sell that @#$%*!%$#@&ing house.
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"Working professional woman
"Working professional woman in relationship with newly-divorced dad. Neither of us know what we're doing, but we're in it for the adventure."
If you don't want the BM in the picture, if you don't want any of your hard earned money going to the BM...then you need to get out of this relationship right now!
I guarantee you. As long as your man and BM are alive, she's going to always be in the picture. There's always going to be drama. She's going to always want to be the important one in the daughter's life.
Plan on it. Get use to it being a family of 4. You have a child...a family of 5.
It's not going to be fun.
Sadly, I agree. I think the
Sadly, I agree. I think the whole marriage thing is stupid too...heck, most women w/kids are divorced anyway, so what's the big deal...at least you'll still be with the daddy...but I have to say, that if you have no kids, I would run for the hills. These women and cray skids never leave your life. I thought it would get better as time passed, and it hasn't. I feel my whole darn life will revolve around their mistakes and greed...and if you read here, it seems that's actually true...If they skids come over, they will either not talk to you, and you will be expected to put up with it...or, they will and constantly ask for money...and guess what? You'll be expected to do without and so will your child so that they can get whatever they want...there are VERY FEW cases where these kids and crazy BMs are decent...very few...and if you area worried about this, and are here already, it's because you don't have a nice and respectful BM in your life...otherwise, you would not have already found this site.
Many of us who have ended up here did so after years of hell...not after one or two years of it...
I have to say, I will never encourage any woman to marry a man with kids...ever...it is the biggest mistake I have made in my life. I was naive to think that it would get better and that love conquers all...it does not. If I could go back, I would.
So, if you want to have kids, I don't see the issue with you being married to your DH...I think you should be with the baby's father, and not alone because I child does better with two parents in their daily lives...not because society thinks it should be that way because as a woman you should be married or your kid will be a bastard...which by the way, that is very pathetic your DH thinks that way of those kids...funny, he would never want anyone talking about his kids because his parents divorced and they are from a BROKEN MESSED UP family, but it's ok for him to refer to kids whose parents are not married as bastards? Wow...
I don't care about marriage
I don't care about marriage either, but want a baby
If your SO is set on being married first, then I'm not sure what the solution would be except you have to marry him or not have a baby right now.
Talk to him more, maybe he'll come around.
Ladies, I thank you. I know
Ladies, I thank you. I know most Step Talkers came here to vent out the bad stuff, but I'm always encouraged whenever I see some of the good stuff. Let's me know that there IS a chance I won't regret this if I choose to pursue my step situation. Also let's me know there's a welcoming community for me if I somehow DO wind up regretting it.
And to clarify on "bastards" -- those are my father's words, not my FDH's. Dad was the traditional kind and Mom was definitely NOT; she wanted babies only and he didn't want babies without marriage. I realize some people may view that as sexist or perhaps antiquated, but it was a different time and I've dated enough men to know that everyone has a different comfort level when it comes to "I love you, so I'm staying with you" guarantees. For me, it used to mean a promise. But I got that, and the ex-fiance left anyway. For my FDH, it used to mean a ring. He got that, and she left anyway. AND they had a baby, so clearly that's not it, either.
Further proof that maybe marriage ain't where it's at anymore.
I can totally understand your
I can totally understand your perspective. I really wanted marriage with my bf, and kids and everything, until i started doing some research and realized how that would tie me up financially with his ex and child. His daughter is a sweetheart right now, but she's little. Who knows how she will turn out especially with a BM who is so controlling. His ex isn't asking for more money, but who knows as time goes on and expenses come up if "our money" (mine and his) ends up going to her "extra expenses". Plus, knowing that I would feel really upset if any of my money was going to her I can see how that would only add drama and problems to our relationship. So, from that perspective marriage doesn't really sound like such a good idea afterall.
My family is definately a marriage first, then kids type and I always felt like I wanted that extra level of committment before i thought about having children. With the legal situation as it is these days though I'm definately tempted to re-think my standpoint on marriage. So, you're not alone in what you're thinking and feeling.